


The Taryon Darrington Queer Society

by wibbelkind



Series: A Critical Queer Society AU [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (I feel like that didn't need to be pointed out but okay...), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Asexual Characters, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone is Queer, F/F, F/M, Families of Choice, Friendship, Gen, Genderqueer Characters, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Open Relationships, Polyamory, Queer Culture, Queerplatonic Relationships, Slow Burn, Trans Characters, University
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2019-06-25 23:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 89,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15651261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wibbelkind/pseuds/wibbelkind
Summary: Beau studies History and Politics at the Solstryce Academy's branch in Zadash and lives with her friends Fjord and Jester who are both from outside the Empire. She may be gay but the university's Queer Society has always been Jester's thing. Until they finally move back into the freshly renovated student society building and start off the summer semester with a grand party.Yasha's only been living in the Empire for six years. A refugee from Xhorhas, studying Cultural Studies at the university in Zadash is her one chance at higher education. She's come to Zadash with her very best and very queer friend Mollymauk, who's been a part of the Queer Society ever since he's started studying. And now that they've moved back into their old meeting space, Molly's dragging Yasha along to their weekly meetings.Beau and Yasha meet at Zadash University's Queer Society, while trying to figure out their orientations and relationships with the people surrounding them.





	1. und überall konfetti [Beau]

**Author's Note:**

> So this has been in the works for a while... I had a small idea that turned into a giant AU and the planning doc now has 23 pages. This AU is heavily influenced by my own experiences at university in Germany (and also regarding other things) so if something sounds odd or unusual to you... that might be it. ;) Relationships and Tags will be added as the story continues, for now they just serve an overview of what you might expect eventually. Since, you know. Slow burn.
> 
> Many thanks to my friend and enabler [Scarecrowlover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarecrowlover/pseuds/Scarecrowlover), whose fic inspires me constantly and who's been supportive and kind-of-beta-reading in the background for the past few weeks. Thanks, buddy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the Queer Society's Reinstatement Party and Beau is a disaster. What else is new?

The Queer Society’s big Reopening Party is essentially a room full of glitter, disco balls and catchy pop music. They have rented out the student club on the Social Science Campus and decorated it in rainbow colours and flags representing all the different sexualities and gender identities.

People are drinking, talking, dancing or a combination of the above. A guy in shorts with rainbow suspenders is making out with a person in a unicorn-onesie in the corner and nobody is paying them any mind.

It’s essentially a wild night.

  


Beau is leaning against the wall watching her friend and flatmate chatter excitedly to a girl on green glitter crutches with long dark hair that has rainbow-coloured ribbons woven into it. The girl seems a bit flustered but smiling and nodding along, probably not being able to get a word in anyway.

Jester has always been better at the social stuff than Beau. She’s also been a part of the Academy’s Queer Society since the beginning of their studies, not caring about the fact that the university building that contains the group’s meeting space had been under renovations during their first semester and the group had been forced to meet elsewhere.

Adding to that, core members of the group had just graduated and for the first time in Zadash’s Academy history, the Queer Society was without a committee. Beau had been to a meeting in a café during her first month at the Academy, dragged along by Jester. But as it turns out, rebuilding the Queer Society just seemed to be a lot of responsibility that Beau wasn’t ready for.

She has a scholarship to fulfil, after all. At least that’s what she tells herself. Her studies for her Bachelor of Arts in History have been fairly easy so far and she’s been taking additional classes with the PoliSci students as well as participating in university sports. She’s been steering clear of any Student Politic groups and keeping to herself most of the time.

  


Which turns out to be a problem just about now.

  


Her eyes scan the room to see if there’s anyone she might know and could talk to as to not make it seem to Jester like she doesn’t have any friends.

Fjord is helping out at the bar, serving drinks to guests because the student club underestimated the amount of people that would show up and only supplied one bartender. Fjord, who’s worked in a bar before and who would never say no to Jester’s pleas for help, quickly jumped in when the problem became evident about one hour into the party.

But him helping out means Beau can’t exactly hang with him because he’s working and Beau is a grown-up who should be able to meet new people on her own.

  


Something sparkly catches her eye, which is something to say in a room full of glitter and disco balls. It’s probably the tackiest piece of clothing Beau has ever seen, a rainbow-coloured sequined blazer that actually looks more like a ringmaster coat on second glance. The person wearing it has their back to her but she recognises the purple hair.

God she absolutely definitely does not want to talk to Mollymauk.

Mollymauk, who’s good friends with Jester, who sometimes shows up at their flat to hang out with Jes and craft posters for the Queer Society to hang up in the Academy’s hallways because where else would they work since they don’t have a space yet?

Mollymauk, who she constantly gets into arguments with over stupid political stuff when he’s sticking around for dinner.

Mollymauk who is so blatantly queer that you should get your eyes checked if you can’t see it.

Mollymauk, who is currently talking to a very tall, very pale and very buff girl that Beau might have seen around martial arts class a few times but has been too awkward to talk to. And who she definitely won’t talk to tonight because fuck no, she’s not gonna make a fool of herself in front of Mollymauk Tealeaf.

  


“How’s it going?”

A familiar voice pulls her out of her thoughts and she looks to her left, wondering how Keg has managed to sneak up on her. She’s usually not very stealthy.

“Eh,” Beau just shrugs and doesn’t really know what else to say.

Things have been kind of awkward with Keg since that house party at the beginning of their first semester. That party where they both got drunk and then fucked in an empty bathtub. It was good but they had both agreed that it had been a one-time-thing.

And that would’ve been all, if Keg hadn’t shown up at same elective class on social justice the next week and turned out to be just as socially awkward as Beau when not completely drunk.

“I got some booze if you want some,” Keg offers and Beau finally turns back to look at her. “Y’know, since the stuff here is way too overpriced.”

“Fuck, yeah, okay.”

Keg hands her a flask and Beau quickly looks over at the bar to see if Fjord is looking before taking a swig. It burns on the way down and Beau can’t tell exactly what it is but it’s definitely something hard.

“Thanks,” she mutters, handing the flask back. “Didn’t exactly pick you to be the person to show up at this kind of party.”

“Come on, I’m bi as fuck, why wouldn’t I?” Keg tags a swig from her flask as well before slipping it back in one of her cargo pants pockets.

“Don’t know, just seems like glitter and unicorns and rainbows isn’t exactly your thing.”

“It’s not yours either, is it?”

“That’s fair.”

  


The abrupt stopping of the music and the crackling of sound distract both Keg and Beau from their barely-existent conversation. Across the room, Jester has climbed up on one of the speaker boxes, microphone in hand.

“Hi everyone!”, she shouts, waving excitedly and completely forgetting that she’s holding a microphone. The speakers deliver her voice way too loud, making a few people wince and cover their ears.

“Thank you all for coming to our party tonight to celebrate the Grand Reinstatement of the Queer Society at the Soltryce Academy in Zadash! We’re so excited to have you all here celebrating with us and we hope that this means there’s gonna be more people joining us in the future because we’ll be having weekly meetings in our newly renovated space in the student society building here on campus again and it’s gonna be more organised and everything.”

There’s cheers and wolf-whistles from the crowd but Jester doesn’t let that faze her in her speech.

“For those of you who don’t know us, we are an official student group for all kinds of marginalised sexual orientations and gender identities, everyone is welcome, even if you’re just an ally or still questioning, it doesn’t matter. Everyone is welcome! You can find info flyers lying around at the bar and on the info table next to the entrance! We have meetings every week on Thursdays at 7PM and we talk about queer stuff and the queer agenda and how we’re gonna take over the world – I’m kidding. I’m KIDDING!”

Beau chuckles because as much as Jester tries to be all representative and official, she’s still quirky Jester who doesn’t think a whole lot before she speaks and sometimes just says what comes to her mind. Which also contains-

“There’s gonna be DOUGHNUTS next week!”

Which causes more whoops and cheers from the crowd and Jester is about to climb down from her improvised pedestal when the girl with the crutches, who is standing close by, says something to her and Jester gets back up again.

“One last thing, Cali just reminded me to mention that the renovation of the student society building wouldn’t have been possible without the generous donation from our very own queer Academy Alumni Taryon Darrington, who unfortunately couldn’t be here today but sent us a signed copy of his novel, _The Daring Trials and Tribulations of Sir Taryon Darrington_ , for our open library. Thank you!”

  


The music resumes and Beau turns to say something to Keg but she’s already gone, vanished into the crowd. _Fuck_.

She could just bail now, she’s stuck around long enough and Jester is probably distracted enough that she won’t notice. Maybe she can check some supermarkets on the way home, go dumpster diving and save them some money they would spend on food. Beau isn’t scared of walking home alone in the dark, she knows her self defence and she’s faster and more agile than a lot of people.

But before she can make a decision, Jester herself is standing in front of her, grinning at her, her blue curls a halo around her face.

“Come dance with me”, she says, pulling on Beau’s arm. Beau whines.

“Jester, nooooo...”

The thing is, Jester has these big dark blue eyes, the same colour she’s dyed her hair, and when she looks at Beau long enough with just a hint of a pout, Beau can’t help but cave most of the time. And Jester knows that. She cocks her head a little to the side and-

“Fine.”

“Yay!”

Beau gets pulled onto the dance floor and Jester doesn’t let go of her until they’re standing in front of the girl she’s been chatting to before.

“Beau, this is Calianna”, she introduces, almost shouting over the music. “Cali, this is Beau, my flatmate, remember?”

“Jester has told me so much about you!”

“Oh.” Beau doesn’t know how to respond to that because she knows _nothing_ about Calianna except for the fact that she’s apparently friends with Jester and she uses crutches. “What happened to your legs?”

“Oh, you know, they just didn’t want to cooperate today.”

Calianna laughs like she just made a joke but Beau is still kind of confused. Before she can ask any questions though, Jester interrupts her.

“MOLLY!”

It takes a lot of effort for Beauregard not to groan and she refuses to turn around to face Molly who has apparently appeared somewhere behind her.

“Jester, darling, your speech was amazing!”

He swoops in, kisses first a beaming Jester and then a blushing Calianna on the cheek. They seem to all know each other, so Beau deducts that Cali must be part of the Queer Society as well. Finally, Molly turns towards her.

“Hello Beauregard”, he says, cocking an eyebrow.

“Hi Asshole”, she replies because she’s still not over the last time he had to one-up her in an argument.

“Beau!” Jester sounds less offended and more reprimanding, because she knows that her two friends just can’t seem to get along for some reason.

Beau couldn’t tell her if her life depended on it, something about Mollymauk just doesn’t sit right with her and it’s not even a love-hate thing (Beau has had those and they usually end in super hot sex, something she would never ever pursue with Molly because ew), it’s just constant disagreement and pretending not to care about what the other person thinks. They’re definitely _not_ friends, despite what other people think.

“Charming”, Molly replies with a cocked eyebrow. “This is my friend Yasha.”

He gestures behind himself where the tall, pale woman Beau has seen him with earlier has followed him through the crowd. Her dark hair looks almost unnatural against her light skin and she seems to be a bit uncomfortable in the crowd, giving a short and awkward wave when Mollymauk introduces her.

But holy shit she’s _hot_.

The few times Beauregard has seen Yasha before was from across the room, never this close, and she’s doubling down on the fact that she can’t talk to this goddess of a woman in front of Mollymauk because she would just say something embarrassing.

Like how beautiful her eyes are, heterochromatic, one a more dark blue and the other tending towards a blue-green colouring. Beau tries not to stare and fails but thankfully Jester distracts everyone by turning towards the newcomer with an excited smile.

“Hi Yasha, it’s so nice to meet you!”

She stretches out her arms but Mollymauk stops her before she can reach his friend. “Remember what we talked about?”

“Oh, sorry. Is it okay if I hug you, Yasha?”

“Uh- yes?”

Yasha still looks slightly uncomfortable when Jester wraps her arms around her, grinning up at her, but manages to return the smile.

“Come meet my friends!” Jester tugs Yasha into the circle that they are forming now. “This is Calianna, she’s in the Queer Society with Molly and me-” “Hello...” “-and this is Beau, my flatmate!”

“’Sup.”

Beau crosses her arms in front of her chest, trying to look cool but failing miserably because she fumbles for a second before finding a way to comfortably fit her limbs together. Molly is chuckling next to her and she glares at him.

“So what do you study, Yasha?”, Jester asks, delighted by the simple fact of meeting a new person.

“Cultural Studies?”, Yasha replies like she’s not quite sure about it herself.

“History”, Beau interjects quickly before Jester can take over the conversation. “That is- I study. History. Maybe we have some classes in common.”

Everybody is looking at her now and she can feel her face heating up from embarrassment. She did exactly what she promised herself she wouldn’t do – put her foot in her mouth in front of Mollymauk Tealeaf. And a beautiful and hot girl that he brought along.

“Yes”, Yasha says, looking at her curiously. “Maybe.”

“Anyway, gotta go”, Beau blurts out and turns around, beelining directly towards the bar where Fjord is still handing out soda and beer.

“I need my stuff”, she shouts over the music.

Fjord looks confused. “Just come ‘round the back, it’s open.”

They have left their bags in the back room behind the bar, before the party had started and Beau quickly slinks through the door, grabbing her sackpack from the table where she has left it when she’d arrived, mutters an excuse towards Fjord who pops his head in from the bar area and leaves the building without looking back.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


The flat’s front door opens roughly an hour after Beau has come home but she doesn’t move from her place, face down on her bed in her room, wallowing in self-pity.

She can hear the muffled sounds of Fjord and Jester talking, Jester’s excited squeal when she (presumably) finds the box of very squashed but still very much edible doughnuts that Beau has saved from the supermarket bin on her way home. Among other things, like fruits and vegetables, but Jester couldn’t care less about those.

It’s amazing sometimes how much the Zadash supermarkets throw away that is still perfectly fine for eating. And for someone like Beau who has no quarrel climbing fences and sneaking around security cameras, dumpster diving is not just a cheap and easy food source, it’s a political statement.

She’s been trying to convince her friends to come with but Fjord’s been too chicken and Jester doesn’t like to get her hands dirty, not even wearing gloves. Her martial arts instructor Dairon had accompanied her on one occasion when they’d run into each other a few weeks ago, but they’re not really friends and Beau knows enough about social norms that it would be weird to ask her again after one of their classes.

  


There’s a quick knock on her door and it carefully inches open just a second later.

“Beau? Are you okaaaaay?”

Beau groans in reply.

The door opens and closes and the bed dips under Jester’s weight.

“What’s wrong, grumpyface?”, she asks and flops down onto Beau whose groan is now one of discomfort rather than self-pity.

“Nothing.”

Jester hums and and nuzzles into Beau’s neck. “You smell nice.”

“Took a shower. Didn’t wanna smell like rubbish.”

“Thanks for the doughnuts. Even though technically you had to rummage through rubbish for it, technically.”

“You’re welcome. At least they’re- Ow, Jester, what the fuck?!”

Jester has sunken her teeth into her neck and Beau has never turned around so quickly, shoving the other girl halfway off her. Jester grins and Beau glares back.

“Tell me what’s wrong”, Jester repeats. “You left. Like in the middle of the party. Was it because of Molly?”

“No, it wasn’t ‘cause of Molly. Mollymauk can go fuck himself.”

“Oh! Was it because of his friend? Yashaaaaa?”

Beau doesn’t answer but that’s answer enough for Jester. Her grin turns even more devilish.

“You like her!”

“Shhhh!” Beau presses her hand against Jester’s mouth to stop her from proclaiming any more of her secrets so loud their neighbours can hear them. “Yeah, she’s hot, okay?”, she hisses. “Did you see her arms? She could fuck me against a wall and I would say thank you.”

“I could fuck you against a wall”, Jester says after she’s forcefully dragged Beau’s hand away from her mouth. “You just have to ask...”

Beau sighs and sinks back onto her pillow, fumbling around for another one to suffocate herself with.

  


Jester and her have this thing, a thing that can’t really be described as a relationship but also isn’t really just a friends with benefits deal. They had started out as simply flatmates, when Jester’s mum helped her rent a four-room-flat in one of the nicer parts of Zadash under the condition of getting some students to move in with her and share a small part of the costs with. They had met online, chatted back and forth even before the moving date and had become friends almost instantly when they had started living together.

Jester was an easy person to become friends with, with no boundary issues and always being honest about her feelings. After learning that her mother was _The Ruby of the Sea_ , it had made perfect sense to Beau why Jester had no problems talking openly about sex and sexuality. And while Fjord often excused himself, a bit red-faced, when the sex talk in the kitchen got too much, Beau enjoyed her new friend’s openness.

They’d been lounging on the sofa in the living room, watching a movie, when Jester had turned to her with a curious look on her face. “Do you wanna kiss?”, she’d asked her, like it fell into the same category as “Do you wanna get take-out?” or “Do you wanna go to that party on Saturday?”. Beau had been confused for a moment. “Why?” “I just like kissing people.” “Okay.” They had ignored the TV the rest of the evening, making out on the sofa instead. And then things had just progressed from there.

  


“Beau?” Jester’s soft voice pulls her back into the present.

“Yeah?”

“You know it’s okay if you like her, right?” She’s rolled completely off of Beau now, lying next to her and resting her head in her hands. “This is just fun, right? If you wanna have a girlfriend, you can get yourself a girlfriend. I’m gonna be fine.”

“I know, Jes...” Beau lets out a sigh and rolls onto her side, facing the other girl. “That’s not the problem.”

Jes rolls onto her side, mimicking her. “What’s the problem, then?”

“I don’t know how to talk to girls-”

“You know how to talk to me.”

“Yeah, well, you’re Jester.”

“Thank you”, Jester says primly. “That is a very nice way of you to say you don’t have romantic feelings for me.”

“Hey, I still care, okay? I care- like- a lot.”

“I know. I’m just teasing.”

“And hey- you did really well on your speech tonight. Just wanted to say that.”

“Thanks.”

They both fall quiet for a moment, which is a rarity for Jester, smiling at each other. Finally, Beau is the one who breaks first, closing the distance and giving Jester a quick peck on the mouth. Jester makes a face.

“You smell like alcohol.”

“Shit, sorry.” Beau sits up immediately. “Forgot to brush my teeth.”

Jester rolls off the bed and brushes down her blue-and-white floral skirt. “Time for bed then.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


They get ready for bed in the bathroom, standing next to each other in front of the mirror, Jester taking off her make-up and taking out her contact lenses while Beau brushes her teeth. Fjord drops in, cleaning his retainer and putting it in for the night before vanishing back into his bedroom and it’s just like any other night in their little shared flat.

Nobody says anything about Beau running off in the middle of a party any more and Jester leaves her to her own thoughts after kissing her goodnight for several minutes against Beau’s bedroom door and then vanishing into her own bedroom.

  


Beau lies awake in her own room for a long time, staring at the ceiling. How likely is it that she’ll run into Yasha again anyway? Martial Arts Class, maybe, but she’s been showing up irregularly (not that Beau pays attention). Some shared classes if she was actually right about that. Nothing where they would have to actually interact. And if so, Beau is gonna be totally cool next time. Just act like she doesn’t have an absolutely embarrassing crush.

Maybe she should ask Fjord. He’s helped her with social situations before. Despite the fact that he can get hopelessly flustered by Jester and her innuendos sometimes, he knows how to talk to people. He keeps her in check, reminds her when she’s being rude.

With a huff, Beau turns around onto her belly, burrowing her face into her pillow. She wouldn’t be Beauregard if she weren’t a disaster on occasion.


	2. clearly I don't see myself upon that list [Yasha]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Enter Beau stage right. Beau attends the grand reopening party for the Academy's Queer Society, run by her friend Jester. Socially awkward, Beau doesn't make a lot of friends, especially not with Mollymauk Tealeaf. His friend Yasha is another matter entirely. In a panic of 'oh shit she's hot', Beau puts her foot in her mouth and flees the scene. Back home, Jester comforts her - with kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely kudos and comments! Some of you writers out there might know me - when I don't write fanfic myself, I write comments on fanfics to encourage writers. ;) So I am particularly fond of comments. ;) ;) ;)
> 
> Anyhow, here's a quick second chapter. So soon? Yes. Maybe not the best one but I usually need some time to delve into the story. More shall come soon!

Yasha watches, slightly confused, as the girl, all dressed in blue pants and a sleeveless crop top, storms off. She tries to wrack her brain where she has seen her before but maybe she’s just making that memory up in her head. It’s happened before.

“Did I do something wrong?”, she asks Molly, who’s grinning and looking after the girl as well.

“Nah”, he says. “That’s just Beau. She’s a disaster lesbian.”

“Molly!” Jester, the girl with the blue hair, the one that Molly has told her about quite a lot, the one that apparently has no quarrel hugging people she doesn’t know, smacks her friend on the arm. “Don’t talk like that about Beau!”

“What, she called me an asshole and I can’t call her a disaster lesbian? We all know it’s true.”

  


Yasha is still looking into the direction where Beau ran off to. Because of her height she easily towers over most of the crowd. Good for finding people. Bad for blending in.

Blending in had been a problem for Yasha ever since she came to the Empire, an unaccompanied minor and refugee from Xhorhas. She’d been the only girl in the group home and the other kids mostly ignored her because of that. Her common didn’t really improve until she met Molly.

Molly, who was just as much of a social outcast as her, living in a foster home and having never known his parents. Molly, who would patiently explain Empire culture and Common idioms to her. He became her family, waited patiently for her to finish school two years after him just so they could move to Zadash together to attend university. That had been almost a year ago.

University isn’t so bad. Molly had convinced her that Cultural Studies might be a good subject to study, what with her interest not just in the Empire but also the Menagerie Coast and even other continents like Tal’dorei and Marquet. He’d helped her apply for financial aid and they’d found themselves a tiny two-room flat in the Outerstead of Zadash to live in. Her part-time job at a Xhorhasian restaurant helps cover the costs for rent and food as well as the semester contribution for the Academy. Considering she probably would’ve never gotten the chance to go to university in Xhorhas, the semester contribution seemed like nothing. It certainly wasn’t as bad as in Tal’dorei, where, according to Mollymauk, you could spend the rest of your life paying off your student debts.

  


“Yasha? You still with us?”, she hears Molly ask over the constant noise of the music. She quickly turns back to him and his friends.

“Sorry, I just-”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about Beau”, Jester interrupts her. “She’s not a baby, she can take care of herself.”

Yasha nods along, not sure what to say.

“So, how are you liking the party, Yasha?”, the girl in the crutches asks. Yasha has already forgotten her name amidst all the chaos of meeting new people.

“Good”, she says. “There’s a lot of glitter.”

“There can never be too much glitter, darling.” Molly drapes his arm over her shoulder and leaning into her. She’s gotten used to it, the closeness, the comfort. Molly doesn’t need to ask any more.

“Are you gonna come on Thursday?”, Jester asks, rolling back and forth on her heels, her hands clasped behind her back.

“I don’t… I am not like you.”

“Oh, you mean queer? Don’t worry about it.”

“But I thought… this… this club was for queer people?”

Her statements often sound like questions. Molly had pointed this out to her once. Despite having lived in the Empire for almost six years now, there are still so many words and expressions that she is unsure about.

Jester laughs. “No silly, Queer Society is for everyone!”

“Including Questioning and Allies”, crutches-girl adds.

“What does that mean?”

“Questioning means you still haven’t found out what label applies to you, if you are gay or bi or pan or trans or whatever. Ally just means that you’re not queer but there to support queer people.”

“You’re definitely an Ally”, Molly supplies helpfully. “You’re my best friend and you support me all the time and I am _super queer_.”

“I thought it was genderqueer.” Yasha looks at her best friend, a little bit confused.

They have talked about this a lot, “queer stuff” as Molly calls it, and she’s tried to learn all the labels but it is still a bit foreign to her. She knows that Molly has breasts, like her, but that doesn’t make him a girl, like her. Most of the time he wears a binder that makes his breasts disappear and he takes medicine that has made his voice go down. Sometimes he wears dresses and puts on bright lipstick and the metal bracelet with the engravings that Yasha got him for his birthday two years ago to remind her that his pronouns are they/them for the day. It’s very helpful.

“That too, thank you darling.” Molly squeezes her biceps and she gives him a relieved smile.

“You should totally come!”; Jester enthuses. “You’re so big and strong, you will scare away aaaaall the homophobes and transphobes.”

Yasha just nods and doesn’t point out the fact that she will probably attract just as many bad people who dislike her for being a refugee from Xhorhas.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


She stays until the end of the party because she doesn’t want Molly to have to take the tram home alone in the middle of the night. While helping with some of the cleaning, she ends up meeting Jester’s flatmate Fjord who has been dutifully tending the bar the entire evening. His accent is a strange drawl to her ears and he tells her he’s spent a few years travelling and working abroad in Tal’dorei before returning to his home in the Menagerie Coast.

“And you can just come… and study here? In the Empire?”, she asks, a bit confused.

“Well, the Menagerie Coast an’ the Empire have an accord. We don’t need a visa or anythin’ t’ live an’ work here. An’ it’s cheaper in the Empire, so a lot o’ kids from the Coast come here t’ study.”

Yasha just nods numbly, folding garlands and trying not to think about the things she had to endure to get into the Empire and then be able to stay there, permanently.

“Jester’s from the Coast too”, Fjord adds. “Said she wanted t’ see the world so she went t’ study in the Empire. I’m just here for the cheap education.” He chuckles to himself. “Kinda ironic, if you think about it, travelling hundreds of kilometres away from the Coast t’ study marine biology in the middle o’ the country.”

“Can you not study it in the Menagerie Coast?”

“Too expensive. Y’ need t’ be real good at school an’ have a lot o’ money. And I am happy t’ have spent my money on travels. So Zadash it is.”

He packs up the last of the boxes they have been stuffing the garlands and decorations into.

“Miss the coast though”, he adds, his voice expressing the way Yasha often feels about her family.

“I have never seen the sea”, she admits, quietly.

“Really?”

“There’s wetlands and river and lakes where I come from but no ocean. I can imagine what it looks like-”

“Oh man, y’ gotta come t’ the Coast sometime. It’s beautiful.”

Yasha is too polite to tell him that she probably can’t afford a trip to the Menagerie Coast. She’s not even sure if she is allowed to leave the country yet, since her refugee travel document is still being processed. Bureaucracy in the Empire takes forever and she has long gotten used to it.

  


Jester comes skipping over to them and in the one hour that Yasha has known her, she’s quickly realised that the small, slightly chubby girl with the tan skin and the blue curls can never stand still.

“Thank you so much for helping, you guys!”, she says and Mollymauk clears his throat from behind her. “Sorry. You people.” She turns around with a frown to Molly. “It just doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

“That’s no excuse to use gendered terms, Jester.”

“Fiiiiine.” She swings back around and goes for the boxes. “I’ll just take these to the back room, I talked to Matt, we can leave them over the weekend and get them on Monday.”

She stocks three boxes of decorations and leftover snacks onto each other and easily carries them into the back room. Yasha follows her example and grabs the other two boxes, leaving Molly and Fjord standing in the middle of the club without anything to do. She doesn’t even think about it until they get back to the two men looking at them slightly.

“What?”, Yasha asks, confused.

“Guess the women are the muscle in this group”, Molly says with a wink. “The future is female, after all.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


“So, you think you’re gonna come with on Thursday?”, he asks later on their way home, twisting around one of the poles in the tram. He takes pole dancing lessons once a week, has even tried to convince Yasha to come but she doesn’t feel nearly as comfortable in her body to try it.

She’s staring out the tram window, watching the city pass by, before turning back to her friend, shrugging. “If you want me to?”

“Of course I want you to! You’re my best friend! I want you to meet all the amazing and queer people that the Academy has to offer. You’re gonna make some friends!”

“I’m not sure I’m that good at meeting people. I always scare them off.”

“Yashaaa...” Molly sighs and looks her directly in the eyes. “Look at tonight! You didn’t scare off Jester or Cali. And Beau- well, she’s Beau.”

Yasha watches Molly for a moment, twirling back around the pole.

“I’ll see if I can get work off”, is her final response.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Her boss lets her have Thursday night off if she works the delivery on Tuesday. She’d rather do an extra shift of washing dishes in the kitchen, but on this short notice, there’s really no choice. Besides, it is kind of fun to zoom around on an electric scooter through the narrow alleys of Zadash, back and forth between Outer- and Innerstead. Never the Tri-Spire, though, nobody in the Tri-Spire would ever think of ordering from a tiny restaurant in the Outerstead, let alone a Xhorhasian one.

People look at her strangely because she’s so pale and tall. Back when she was still living in a group home with the other Xhorhasian refugees, kids would call her names on occasion. _Crick_ was one that was often used, one that Yasha never understood. Now that her Common has become more fluent and she lives with Molly in a normal flat and she’s moved cities, people don’t recognise her as Xhorhasian and therefore foreign as often.

But she still works at a Xhorhasian restaurant because the owner reminds her of her grandfather, her grandfather who died in a riot when the Krynn Dynasty took over the land. Gods, she misses her family sometimes.

  


She stops the scooter in front of a three-story house in the Innerstead, double checking the address and the order before taking the brown paper bag out of the delivery box and walking up to the door. It takes a moment after she rings the bell and finally the intercom crackles.

“Delivery”, she simply calls and there’s no reply except for the buzzer and the front door opening. Yasha sighs, checking the nameplate and deducts that she has to go up to the second floor.

Taking two stairs at a time, she gets there just as the door opens to-

Beau.

In boxers and a sports bra.

She’s turned away, talking to someone behind her but Yasha recognises that haircut easily and takes the moment to gather herself, putting on her professional face.

“That’s two portions of pelmeni, extra cucumbers on the side, five pirozhki and a portion of blini with butter”, she rattles down the order. “That’ll be one silver and three copper.”

Yasha looks back up and Beau is facing her now, seemingly frozen with a panicked look on her face.

“Hello, Beau”, Yasha says. “Good to, uhm, see you again?”

“Ahhhhhh”, Beau replies and looks at Yasha, then the delivery bag in her hand, and back up at Yasha.

“You’re not the usual delivery”, she finally says, the first proper uttered sentence.

Yasha nods. “I don’t usually do delivery but I had to take an extra shift.”

There’s a door slamming in the flat behind Beau and a voice calling: “Beau, where’s my blini, hurry up!”

“Jester”, Beau says, as an explanation, still making no move of taking out the correct amount of money from the purse she’s holding “She really likes her baked goods.”

“Ah, yes. Blini are- they are very good.”

Beau looks like she’s about to say something, when some familiar blue curls pop up behind her.

“YASHA!”, Jester squeals excitedly, jumping up and down behind her flatmate. “You brought our food!”

“Yes, well, that is my job.”

“I didn’t know you worked at the Xhorhasian place.” Jester squeezes herself between the door frame and Beau, who has now begun to search for money in her purse.

“I am usually in the kitchen”, Yasha offers, handing Jester the food since Beau has made no move to take it from her.

“You need to teach me how to make blini. And pirozhki!”

Before Yasha can answer to that, Beau shoves two silver pieces in her direction.

“Keep the change.”

“Ah- okay?” She’s never been tipped more than a copper or two, but this is over half a silver. Yasha is very confused. Maybe Beau doesn’t know how to tip? Or she just has a lot of money. Yasha doesn’t dare question it, just nods at her and then turns to leave.

“See you on Thursday!”, Jester calls after her.

Yasha just waves.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


The meeting space for the Queer Society is in a small, half-timbered building on campus that, according to Molly, houses several of the Academy’s student societies. While the outside of the house looks old, the inside is freshly renovated.

The Queer Society is on the first floor, the room still barely decorated but furnished with three sofas and some chairs arranged roughly in a circle. On the table in the middle there’s two big boxes with doughnuts, a tower of reusable plastic cups and several bottles of water and soda.

When Yasha arrives a few minutes before 7PM, there’s already a sizeable group of people in the room, some lounging on the sofas, some standing to the side and chatting. Jester is bouncing around excitedly in a turquoise crop top and neon pink shorts, a half-eaten doughnut in one hand and seemingly welcoming people. Yasha spots Beau and Fjord having a conversation on one of the sofas, their arms crossed in similar fashion.

“Yasha, you came!” Jester pops up directly in front of her, a wide grin on her face.

“Yes, well, I am here”, Yasha confirms. “To be an ally.”

Jester cocks her head, watching her as if she’s about to say something and then doesn’t.

“Come, sit”, she says instead, dragging her over to the sofas. “You can talk to Fjord and Beau since you already know them!”

Fjord smiles at Yasha while Beau’s facial expression is still unreadable to her.

“Hello again”, she says and before she can even think of where to sit, Beau has pushed Fjord over to one side of the sofa and shuffles over as well to make room for her. “Thank you.”

She gingerly sits down, an appropriate distance away from someone she doesn’t really know that well. Personal space is important, as Molly has taught her.

“How’s it going?”, Beau asks, leaning back against the sofa and kicking her feet up on the coffee table.

“Good, good.”

Fjord is still grinning, keeping quiet, his arm thrown over the back of the couch. There’s significantly less space between him and Beau. Yasha wonders if that means anything.

“You’re not, uhm, coming to martial arts training any more?”, Beau continues.

Yasha’s surprised at that. How did- “You do martial arts? At the Academy?”

“I mean, yeah, it’s the only university sports class that’s actually decent and I do need to blow of some steam on occasion. Can’t just sit around all day learning about Exandria History.”

“I’m sorry, I had- I didn’t know you were in the martial arts class.”

Beau shrugs. “It’s fine. There’s loads of people in that class. Can’t meet everyone.”

Except Beau had remembered her despite the fact that Yasha had gone to that martial arts class maybe two or three times last semester. Work was more important than extracurricular activities, sometimes she even skipped normal classes for it. Just the boring ones though.

“Yes. Of course.”

Fjord leans forward, maybe to get a better look at her. “So, did Molly drag y’ here?”

“No, he just asked and I came.”

“That easy, huh? See, Beau, some people‘re jus’ real nice an’ appreciate the work their friends’re volunteerin’ outside of classes.”

“I’m just sayin’, Jester doesn’t care if I come or not-” Fjord chuckles at that, maybe an inside joke that Yasha doesn’t get. “-and besides, I am shit at this volunteer stuff. I suck at arts and craft, all I am good at its learning stuff and kicking people’s ass.”

“I’m sorry, are you not-?”, Yasha starts, still trying to figure out what is going on here.

“What?”

“Queer?”

She’s not really sure why she’s asking. This is the Queer Society after all. But maybe on the off chance that there are other people like her, people who are not queer, people who are just here because their friends asked them to.

“Oh, no! I mean, yes!” Beau’s eyes widen almost comically. “I’m gay. Queer. Whatever you wanna call it. Me. Super gay. I just don’t like the- the stuff that comes with joinin’ a student society- you know?”

Yasha nods. She doesn’t know. She’s never joined a student societies before. “Cool.”

  


The meeting is called to order by Cali, who’s sitting in a wheelchair today.

“All right everyone, gather round!” She claps against the plastic covering on her wheels which gets everyone’s attention and they all sit down. “Thank you so much for coming, it is so lovely to see so many new faces. My name is Calianna but you can call me Cali. I am one of the officers of the Queer Society, mostly responsible for finances and all that fun stuff. My pronouns are she/her and I am gay!”

She beams at everyone and for the first time Yasha actually realises that she is definitely the odd one out here. It’s a feeling she’s kind of gotten used to, but it’s still strange.

“I was thinking maybe we could go around and introduce ourselves, with pronouns if you’d like and tell us a little bit about why you are here.”

“Can I-” Mollymauk, who’s sitting on one of the other sofas next to Jester, interrupts her. “Hi, I’m Mollymauk, Molly to my friends, I’m also kind of responsible here and stuff. I just wanted to say before anyone feels pressured to say anything, this is a safe space. If you want to out yourself within the group, it stays within the group. Also, there is no need to out yourself or conform to any labels _at all_. You can reveal as much as you are comfortable with. You can be here as an ally, you can be out and proud, you can be questioning, you are all welcome. Go ahead, Cali.”

“Thank you, Molly.” Calianna smiles at him, totally unfazed by the small speech. “Which reminds me, sorry, I am very easily distracted and forget things sometimes- Since this is a safe space, we do not tolerate homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, racism, sexism or any kind of exclusionism. Okay?”

She looks around the room and a lot of people snap their fingers in agreement instead of nodding or murmuring their assent. Yasha, who has never learned how to snap her fingers, is ever so slightly confused and just nods absent-mindedly.

  


“Right then, why don’t we start the introduction round?” She turns to the person on her right, who is a bit heavier built with short, firetruck red hair and a heavy undercut.

“Alright”, the person says. “Fuck, this feels like group therapy, doesn’t it?” A few people chuckle. “’Kay. My name’s Keg. Like powder or booze.” A few more chuckles. “My pronouns are she/her and I am bi. And trans. And I guess that’s why I’m here, right?”

She looks at Cali, who smiles and nods, and then turns to the person on her left.

“Hello, my name is Nila and my pronouns are she and her.” Nila has the softest voice and the most gentle smile and it reminds Yasha just a little bit of her mother in better days, before the war began.

“I am here because- well, I am not queer but I have a son, who is three years old now. He’s with my partner tonight but I might bring him around sometime if that’s okay. He’s a very curious child and we try and raise him as openly as possible and… he’s always wanted to wear his cousins’ dresses when they were around. And last week he came up to me and said ‘Mami, I want to put lipstick on my mouth like you do’ and when I asked him why, he said ‘because I’m a girl, like you’.” Her smile turns a little sad. “I do not know a lot about different gender identities and that’s why I am here, because I thought some of you might be able to teach me about it and maybe teach Asar about it too.”

Everyone falls quiet, unsure what to say. Finally, Molly clears his throat.

“Thank you, Nila, for being so open about this”, he says and Jester beside him nods excitedly. “I think maybe the weekly meetings might be a bit overwhelming for your son, I would suggest just having a casual meet-up with some of the trans and gender-nonconforming people of the group. This place is always open to the group. Obviously we only have a limited amount of keys so you’d have to check with Cali or Jester or me, but I’d probably be around anyway, so it’s fine.”

“I wanna meet your kid too!”, Jester pipes up excitedly. “I love children!”

Nila nods, the soft smile back on her face. “Thank you.”

  


Yasha doesn’t know a lot of people in the group, there’s almost twenty of them sitting in the circle. Some people that introduce themselves she has heard about through Molly, like Bryce (who is a Master's degree student and gives seminars in the Gender Studies department) or Caduceus (who runs the university community garden and supplies Molly with ‘the good stuff’).

Then there’s Jester, Beau and Fjord, who she’s actually met, at the party last weekend and then when delivering food to their flat. Jester proudly introduces herself as bisexual with “she/her” pronouns, while Fjord keeps quiet about about his sexuality, merely mentions that he appreciates the work the Queer Society does and that he would like to help out as much as his studies permit. Beau is short and to the point (“she/her, gay”), turning to Yasha when she’s finished.

Yasha clears her throat, a bit uncomfortable now that all eyes are on her. She twists her hands together and stares at them while starting to talk. “My name is Yasha, my pronouns are she and her and I am just here because my friend Molly is a very good person and I always have his back.”

Her eyes flicker over at Mollymauk whose smile is wide and happy. He winks at her and she blushes.

“That’s all.”, she concludes, turning to her right.

  


The person next to her is sitting on one of the chairs, has been shifting back and forth, fiddling with the strings on their dark grey sweater, the hood of which is pulled over their head. They exude nervousness and it’s relatable for Yasha, being in a room full of people you might not know and having to speak up.

“Hi, my name is Nott”, the person says, their voice a bit croaky and hoarse like they have a cold. “Nott with two T’s. And- and I- My- my pronouns are she and her.”

Nott turns to the person sitting next to her who has shaggy red-brown hair and is wearing a brown cardigan, a brown shirt, just brown everything. They take her hand and it seems to encourage Nott to continue.

“I’m aromantic and ace and- and I’m out about that, it’s- that’s fine. I don’t really give a fuck-”

Her friend chuckles and she turns to them again. “What’s-”

“You made a wordplay, you know, what do you call it, a pun? You don’t give a fuck.” The accent is foreign to Yasha.

“Oh, right”, Nott says, laughing nervously. “Yes, well, that- Anyway. I- I also- No. No, that’s enough.” She nods, pulling one of the strings of her hoodie to her mouth, and starts to chew. Yasha wonders what she doesn’t feel brave enough to tell them but then again, she herself has omitted a lot of things. No need to be an open book. She understands this too well.

“Right then, my turn?”

Nott’s friend is still holding her hand, quickly scanning the round but not really looking anyone in the eye.

“My name is Caleb. Caleb Widogast.” Caleb runs a hand over his slightly scruffy looking facial hair. “I guess my pronouns are he and… him? Is that right?” Several people in the round nod and it seems to encourage him to continue. “I have been at the Academy for a while now but I never- I never really thought about coming here, you know? My friend Nott here convinced me to come tonight, because- because-”

His hands start shaking and Nott quickly grabs them in hers.

“You don’t need to say it, Caleb, it’s fine”, she whispers. “You don’t have to-”

“ _Nein_ , it is- I want to.”

Caleb looks up at the group who is still patiently waiting for him to continue his introduction.

“I am gay”, he says. “And I have not told anyone that before, except Nott.”

Silence fills the room. Yasha sees a few people smiling supportively but also some appear just as lost as she is about how to react properly. This is seemingly a big thing for Caleb, who currently looks like he wishes the ground would open up and swallow him whole. But what do you do on such an occasion? Congratulate him? Applaud? Move on and act like nothing happened?

And just as the thought crosses her mind, someone slowly starts clapping right next to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another post so soon, you think? I am in the current lucky situation that I won't be working for another 7 weeks and won't be moving until mid-September. I have some free time on my hand and I'll try and get a lot written. I have stuff on the back-burner, yes, but I won't post a new chapter until the first draft of the next one in line is finished. That's the deal you get. ;) I might (due to circumstance) end up with bigger time spacings between chapters. For now, enjoy this headstart into this little universe.


	3. lookin' at the mess I am [Beau]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Enter Yasha stage left. Yasha meets Molly's friends of the Queer Society, including Jester's friends and roommates Beau and Fjord. Fjord is nice but Beau acts kind of strange, especially when Yasha shows up at their flat to deliver food (it's her job) and later at the first meeting of the Queer Society (Molly asked her to come). Yasha might not be queer but she sure tries to be a good ally...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I am stealing my chapter summary style from my friend [Scarecrowlover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarecrowlover/pseuds/Scarecrowlover). They're the only person who get to complain about it. ;)

If it weren’t for Jester’s very convincing argument (“It’ll make me happy and then I will make you happy afterwards!”), Beau would’ve probably stayed at home to watch MMA and eat frozen pizza while her flatmates are attending the first weekly meeting of the Queer Alliance after it’s grand reopening party on Saturday.

She has to admit, she’s getting a bit vulnerable towards Jester’s charm, considering the fact that she is still convinced that Fjord is the one wrapped around Jester’s finger – and those two aren’t even sleeping together. So just this ONE time Beau is coming to the meeting.

How bad could it be?

  


She’s doing fine, talking to Fjord and ignoring most of the people around her that she doesn’t know. It’s not that she doesn’t WANT to meet new people, it’s just- Beau is not good with people. She says the wrong things too often, comes across as rude or insensitive. And usually it’s just easier to pretend like she doesn’t care. She’s doing just fine on her own.

They’re comparing education systems between the Menagerie Coast and the Empire, which is one of Beau’s favourite things to do with Fjord, when she looks over and there’s Yasha, walking into the room. _Fuck._

Before Beauregard can say or do anything, Jester skipping over to the newcomer from her place next to Calianna, a big grin on her face. She’s definitely up to no good and in the blink of an eye she’s engaged Yasha in conversation and drags her over to the sofa where Beau and Fjord are chilling.

_Oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT._

  


To everyone around her it might seem totally unintentional that Jester’s bringing Yasha over to sit with them. But Jester knows. Jester KNOWS and she’s pushing Beau into this before she’s even prepared herself mentally to be cool. Shoving Fjord over to one side is an emergency move but he doesn’t seem to take it too personal.

In all honesty it can’t get much worse than the party. Or when Yasha showed up at their flat as their delivery person. Beau doesn’t care that she was merely wearing a sports bra and shorts (because she knows she looks hot like that) or that she totally over-tipped Yasha, she’s more concerned about the fact that Yasha might think she’s trying to pay her off or something. For WHAT even though? _Here, take my money, please like me and let’s not talk about how awkward I am?_ Beau almost cringes at the memory.

But Yasha seems totally chill, even when Beau does a slightly embarrassing coming-out-bit she just nods and smiles. It would’ve been a perfect moment for a “Oh hey, me too!”, but it doesn’t come. Instead, Beauregard is still left wondering whether she might even have a chance with Yasha. Her motto has long been “gay unless proven otherwise” and it’s been working pretty good for her up to this point. She’s pretty sure she’s made out with quite a few girls in high school who would probably label themselves as straight and usually she doesn’t care. But THIS with Yasha is different. It’s not just sexual attraction.

  


Beau has been sure about her sexuality for as long as she can remember, always liked girls, out and proud as a lesbian as soon as she found the words for it. Her parents hadn’t been happy but Beau had been born a girl, so the goal of making her mother and father truly proud was practically unreachable anyway. They sent her to boarding school when she was twelve. All-girl boarding school. Beau sometimes thinks about how thick her parents must be to think that sending their lesbian daughter to an all-girl boarding school would fix anything.

Sexual attraction was easy. Romantic stuff… not so much. For a long time Beau thought that finding a girl hot was the same thing as having a crush or falling in love. Everyone around her was talking about girls and boys in the simple terms of whether they found them attractive or not. It took her a while to figure out that there were other feelings involved, feelings that she didn’t necessarily share. Feelings that made things messy because feelings meant that you could get hurt.

The strange thing for Beau was that these feelings would show up totally random and they could ruin EVERYTHING. If a girl was hot, Beau could fairly easily chat her up. If Beau was in love, she was a disaster. Greyromanticism was an evil bitch, randomly stealing her mojo and giving her romantic feelings instead. And that bitch had snuck up on her when Mollymauk Tealeaf had introduced her to his best friend Yasha.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


She tries not to look at Yasha too much while they’re going around introducing themselves. It’s not the easiest thing. Yasha is kind of distracting and beautiful, her dark hair braided and woven with white leather strings and the occasional beads to decorate it. Most of them are metal or wooden but there’s one silver with purple details which Beau can only guess who gave it to her.

As someone who wears her hair in the most simple way – with a heavy undercut and the rest up in a top knot – she wonders how long it takes Yasha to do her hair and how often she does it. The brief notion of touching it crosses her mind, to try if it feels as soft as it looks.

It’s a stupid daydream and that’s never going to happen.

  


Begrudgingly Beauregard turns her attention back to the group. They’re doing an introduction round, pronouns and all that shit. Beau isn’t super fond of it, she thought they’d gotten rid of such childish things in university. (There are rumours that the social ed students still do morning circles like this and do their lectures on the campus lawn during nice summer days. Beau hasn’t met any social ed students in Zadash yet to confirm these rumours.)

Jester is just finishing off her bit with a smile, excitedly and with lots of hand-movements. She’s followed by somebody whose looks immediately catch Beau’s eye, although sitting next to Jester and Mollymauk with their vibrant hair colours, the soft pastel pink mohawk with the shaved sides seems almost tame.

“I’m Caduceus, they/them pronouns”, the new person says with a languid voice, leaning forward into the round, a relaxed smile curling on their lips. “I’m non-binary and bisexual and I help run the Academy’s Community Garden Project.”

“Don’t steal our members, Clay”, Mollymauk interrupts, but he has a teasing grin on his face.

“Wouldn’t mind some joint projects on occasion”, Caduceus replies, smile not even faltering for a minute. “I think these lovely people can all benefit from some nice organic tomatoes and kale. Plant some rainbow beet to stay with the theme... We just started working on a new vertical herb garden as well. Yeah, it’s nice. Anyway.”

They nod and look over to the other sofa that is occupied by Fjord, Beauregard and Yasha, seemingly satisfied with their introduction and waiting for the next person to continue. And the three of them deliver: Fjord’s introduction is evasive (as per usual), Beau keeps hers short (“Beau, she/her pronouns, I’m gay”) and Yasha still offers no insight into her sexual or romantic preferences.

  


Finally, the attention shifts to the last two attendees of their round.

Nott seems slightly shifty and Beau can’t quite tell what’s off about her. The voice and the pronouns catch her off-guard, she wouldn’t have pitched Nott as a girl on first sight. _You really shouldn’t gender people based on their looks._ The voice inside her head sounds unsurprisingly like Molly and she barely stops herself from glaring at him across the coffee table.

Caleb on the other hand looks visibly uncomfortable. _Another person who’s just been dragged here by their friend_ , she thinks. But he steps up and delivers, braver than Fjord, outing himself as gay in a shaky Zemnian accent.

It’s painfully quiet for moment and Caleb seems to be shrinking in on himself.

Beau, who hates the quiet and who doesn’t want this poor fella to wither under the attention of a dozen or so people he doesn’t know, just slowly starts clapping. Coming out is a hard thing to do sometimes, after all, so this deserves some recognition. Everybody turns to look at her, either looking confused, perturbed or exasperate.

Before she can embarrass herself any further, Fjord grabs her hands to stop her clapping, throwing her a look that she can’t quite interpret.

“That’s mighty brave, comin’ out t’ us like that”, he says, addressing Caleb. “Much appreciated.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, Cay-leb!”, Jester pipes up. “We’re all suuuuuuper gay here, you’re not the only one.”

“Thank you”, Caleb mutters, not looking at them but at his hands instead.

  


Calianna picks up the moderation of the meeting again but Beau can’t help but glance over at Caleb who has retracted back into his shell, staring at his feet. She feels bad in a way, because it seems like she only made his situation worse and that sucks. Logically, Beau knows she’s bad with people and social cues, but she really thought she had this one.

Nott looks up, catches her watching Caleb and gives her the stink-eye. Beau keeps staring purely because she never backs down from a fight and they have a staring contests that probably lasts well over a minute, before Nott gives up and turns to Caleb, patting his arm.

Beauregard turns her attention back to the group, were Mollymauk and a lanky guy with sky blue hair are discussing options for social media presence of the group, throwing around terms like ‘Facebook’, ‘Cloud’, ‘Mailinglist’ and ‘Server’, half of which Beau doesn’t really understand and doesn’t care about.

“Okay, I think this is getting too much into”, Molly says eventually. “Do you have some time to chat after this meeting, Gunnar?”

“Yeah, sure, no problem.”

Molly nods and then turns to Jester. “Jes, you had another thing?”

Jester who’s been sitting slumped on the sofa next to Molly perks up. “Yes, okay, sooooo- Cali and I did all the beautiful posters you’ve seen around campus for the party and stuff, so like that was a loooooot of work but you know, it’s really fun and we thought that maybe we could like, have an arts and crafts group in the Alliance. So we can make lots of pretty posters and other stuff and-”

“We wanna make pride bracelets!”, Calianna interrupts her excitedly. “And then maybe sell them on Etsy- because Molly has a shop- and donate some of the money to charity.”

“Yes, and also, you know, we just want to make this place really pretty because it’s so booooooring.”

Beau looks around the freshly renovated room that is painted in a generic grey-and-white. She doesn’t care much about decorating but she’s seen Jester’s room so if it comes down to her, this space will probably look like a rainbow glitter explosion in a few weeks.

The girl sitting next to Gunnar raises her hand. “I can knit?”

“Oh, that’s nice, what do you knit?”, Calianna asks instantly.

“Socks!” The girl pulls up her harem pants to show off a pair of pastel rainbow-striped socks and Gunnar next to her does the same, wearing pink-white-and-blue socks.

“That is so cooooool”, Jester enthuses. “Can you teach us???”

“I can try? I was thinking maybe if we have enough people who like to knit or crochet we could make hats and scarves for winter to donate to shelters.”

“Ohhhh, yes, that’s a good idea.” Jester nods excitedly. “Anyone else? Oh, I know, there’s also some people in my arts classes that couldn’t come today so I’m gonna text them. Molly?”

“Yes dear?”

“Will you help us?”

She makes the big puppy eyes at him that she does for anyone and everyone whenever she wants something. Molly just looks at her, eyebrows raised.

“I mean, you’re apparently using my Etsy shop to sell stuff now-”

“Just if you say yes, it was an ideeeea Molly!”

“I’m just teasing, you know you’re not gonna do pride bracelets without me”, Mollymauk says, grinning. “I’m gonna bring my crafting box.”

  


Beau detaches herself from the discussion again, pulling out her phone to check the time, and promptly gets distracted by discourse on Twitter. There’s a lot of xenophobia going around lately, even in the circles of people that Beau would normally think forward-thinking enough to not pull that shit. The influx of Xhorhasian refugees fleeing from the civil war within their country and the increasing conflict at the Xhorhasian border contribute to that. It’s a load of bullshit people are saying like “Xhorhasian culture is going to take over the country” and “There’s gonna be idol worshippers”. Sometimes it seems like they completely forget that the Empire wasn’t this big once, that places like the Zemni Fields or the Marrow Valley used to be independent states with their own rules and culture and that they now contribute to the multiculturalism of the Empire.

Beau tweets out as much before Fjord can elbow her again to remind her to pay attention. There’s a clipboard going around now where everyone can put down their contact information if they want to partake in group activities. Beau skips it. No reason to if she’s gonna hear all about it anyway from Jester. Yasha on the other hand dutifully puts in her details.

“You don’t want to?”, she asks Beau after she hands off the clipboard to Nott.

“Nah. I get enough spam already”, Beau replies. “And I don’t even know if I have the time...”

“That’s too bad.”

_WHAT?_

“This seems like a fun group.”

_Oh._

“And there’s nice food.” She gestures to the coffee table and the almost-empty boxes of doughnuts.

“Well if you like doughnuts, you should come by our flat sometimes.” Smooth, Beau, smooth!

“I think Jester actually wanted to invite you guys over for dinner this weekend”, Fjord butts in.

“Of course she did”, Beau mutters to herself.

“That is, uhm, very nice of her.” It’s an almost-smile on Yasha’s face. “I will bring her pirozhki.”

  


As the group breaks up, Beau catches a glimpse of Caleb and Nott getting their stuff together, apparently deciding not to stick around for much longer. She still feels a bit bad of making his coming-out moment maybe more uncomfortable than necessary but before she can drift over, the sock-knitting girl has approached them, asking Caleb something and upon his reply begins to talk excitedly. As Beau comes closer, she realises it’s a language she doesn’t speak.

“ _...mein Bruder und ich sind aus_ _Nordhaven_ _aber bei uns gehen fast alle zum studieren nach Rexxentrum. Voll schön,_ _in Zadash_ _noch jemensch anders aus dem Zemnischen Land zu treffen!_ ”

She sounds very enthusiastic but the only word that Beau catches is _Zemnischen Land_ which is the Zemnian term for the Zemni Fields.

“ _Jemensch?_ ” Caleb sounds slightly confused but not like he didn’t understand everything the girl just said.

The girl bites her lip, knitting her eyebrows in thought before replying. “ _Mein Bruder hat- ach verdammt, ich kriegs auch nicht mehr auf Zemnisch hin_ _-_ he coined the term _jemensch_. _‘S ist die gender-neutrale Form von jemand._ ”

“Okay...”

“ _Sorry, ich will euch nicht weiter aufhalten, wollte nur kurz hallo sagen. Ich bin Viveka._ ” She holds out her hand and Caleb shakes it.

“Caleb.”

“ _Nett, dich kennen zu lernen_ ”, the girl says and then switches back into fluent and accent-less Common, turning to Nott. “Sorry about that, I just get really excited about meeting other Zemnian people, I never really talk Zemnian any more except with my brother.” She jabs her finger over her shoulder at Gunnar, the IT guy who’s talking with Mollymauk.

“That’s okay”, Nott croaks.

“I’m Viveka.”

“Nott.”

“Well, I’m gonna leave you to it, but nice to meet you.” Viveka gives them both a quick wave. “Hope you’ll be back!”

  


Beau gives them a moment as Viveka retreats and Caleb and Nott gather themselves before stepping forward.

“Hey”, she says, probably a bit gruff. “Sorry ‘bout earlier.”

“What?” Caleb looks up at her in surprise, recognises her and immediately his face hardens. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Yeah.” Beau shrugs. “I can be a bit of an asshole, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“You did not- I was already uncomfortable, so...”

“Listen, I made it worse, okay? Just wanted to apologise for that.”

“Okay...”

“Like- I know how shitty coming out can be”, Beau continues because she’s on a roll now. “My parents didn’t believe me when I came out as gay and basically just sent me off to boarding school-”

“But you are a woman.”

“Yeah?”

“I thought if you are a woman it is lesbian.”

This throws Beau a little bit because for the first time in a long time somebody is questioning their label. But not even for the fact that she likes girls but because it is just technically _the wrong term_ , by the definition that a lot of people are accustomed to.

“I mean… Yeah? But I prefer the word gay? It’s the same thing.”

“It is- never mind. I think you know more about gay things than I do.” Caleb finishes pulling his brown coat on.

“So we’re cool?”, Beau asks.

“ _Ja._ ”

“Sweet.” Beau holds out her fist and after some hesitancy, Caleb bumps his with hers. “See you ‘round.”

Nott still glares at her every so slightly but Beau doesn’t give a fuck when she turns around, heading back to join her friends and hopefully drag them home soon. Fjord made lasagna that’s waiting for them in the oven.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Fridays are both the best and the worst day of the week for Beauregard. They’re the best because it’s almost the weekend and she only has 2 classes. They’re the worst, because it’s the only day in the week where she has an 8AM class.

Dragging herself out of Jester’s bed makes it even harder because the bed is warm and Jester is comfortably wrapped around her back. She whines a little when Beau extracts herself from her grip and then rolls into the empty space, spreading out like a starfish. There’s a small spark of fondness that settles itself somewhere in Beau’s chest and she quickly sneaks out of the room.

“Good night?”

She nearly jumps when Fjord’s voice reaches her. When she turns around she spots him through the open kitchen door, leaning against the counter and sipping from a cup of coffee.

They’ve never really talked about it, but even though Fjord is not super perceptive (proven by the fact that he’s totally oblivious to Jester’s crush on him) he knows there’s _something_ going on. Her and Jester never make out openly in public spaces of the flat unless they can be sure they are alone. To be perfectly honest, Beau wouldn’t care if Fjord walked in on them but she also doesn’t want to shove it in his face. She has _some_ human decency after all. And he usually doesn’t ask questions so there’s that.

“Yeah”, she huffs, trudging off into her own room to grab her clothes and then take a quick shower. She rather not smell like sweat and sex when Fjord is literally right there waiting in the kitchen.

  


Fjord, being the good buddy that he is, hands her a cup of coffee as she comes back, in the process of putting her hair up into the usual top knot. She needs to shave her sides again soon. Maybe Jester will do it for her.

“Thanks.” She takes a sip, then puts two slices of toast into the toaster and gets the peanut butter and jam out of the fridge. Dairon would scold her for her sloppy diet but honestly, her body runs just fine on the crap she feeds it, so she really doesn’t care.

They orbit around each other in the kitchen, Fjord settling down with cereal at the small table they have in front of the window that seats exactly three people. Beau joins him with her toast a few minutes later.

“So...”, she says.

“So...”, Fjord echoes.

“Interesting meeting yesterday, huh?”

“Y’ weren’t even payin’ attention half the time.”

“Were you?”

“Yeah?”

“Look I’m just not that involved in the queer community. Never have been. If we’d just hang out and eat crappy take-out and play Mario Kart, it’d totally be my jam.” She raises her toast. “Hah, jam! Get it?”

“It was only the first meeting. Once they get the whole thing runnin’ there’s goin’ t’ be more fun activities.”

“I don’t even have time to show up to meetings every week-”

“Beau, for fucks sake, you’re doin’ soft science-”

“I’m on a scholarship!”

“So ‘m I, and I’m doin’ actual science! You’re spendin’ way too much of your free time startin’ shitstorms online or watching MMA fights when you could be makin’ actual friends out there.”

“Hey, I have friends!”

“’side from Jester and me.”

“Keg is my friend.”

“You really tryin’ to convince me that awkward-one-night-stand-Keg is y’ friend?”

Beau doesn’t answer that, instead shoving the rest of her toast in her mouth and downing her coffee. They silently stare at each other for a moment, before Beau burps, grabs her plate and cup and puts them into the dishwasher.

“Fuckin’ hell, y’re disgustin’.”

“Fuck you too”, Beau retorts and grabs her bag from where she left it last night in the hallway, dropping her phone into it. “I’ll be back for lunch-”

“We’re havin’ lunch at the caf with a few people if y’re on campus anyway.”

“Fine.”

“C’mon Beau, y’know I only want what’s best for y’.”

“That’s what my parents said too, when they sent me off to boarding school.”

She grabs her keys, slips into her running shoes and leaves the flat. Of course Fjord doesn’t mean to criticise her and of course he’s right – Beau doesn’t care much about people outside of the flatshare, she has everything she needs right here. But it still stings.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Contrary to what some people believe, Beau actually loves learning stuff and as long as the topics they are talking about in class are interesting she loves attending university. She gets herself a second cup of coffee as she arrives on campus because the caffeine only really kicks in after the third cup.

Prof. Zeenoth, who holds the seminar on the Expansion of the Dwendalian Empire on Friday mornings, absolutely hates her. Maybe it’s because she constantly asks questions and starts class discussions when she really shouldn’t. Maybe it’s because she keeps putting up “Refugees Welcome” and “Smash Fascism” stickers on the tables in the lecture hall. He’s never caught her though and there is no such thing as detention at university any more. So the only thing he really could do would be to mark her badly, which he can’t do because class participation only counts twenty percent and Beau is smart enough to do well on seminar papers.

She’s mostly keeping quiet today, half paying attention and half doodling in her notebook. She’s horrible at it, clearly, but she’s not the one studying Fine Arts so who cares. Jester’s always doodling and sketching and has done a few very caricature-esque sketches of Beau’s descriptions of Zeenoth that have made her laugh a lot. Her doodles are more swirls and stars and- hearts? Fuck, where did that come from?

“Ms Lionett-”

God she hates that name.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve been surprisingly quiet this morning”, Zeenoth taunts her. “No opinion on how the Dwendalian Empire has dealt with incorporating the Julous Dominion into the Empire?”

Opinions? Oh does she have opinions alright. Beau’s face turns into a mischievous smirk.

“Sure.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


She gets a text from Jester halfway through her second lecture this morning that they’re planning on having lunch at the Arts & Social Studies campus cafeteria. Jester doesn’t mention who else is gonna come but Beau’s hungry enough to not give a fuck any more. Besides, if Fjord wants her to make some friends, this might be just the opportunity.

Approaching the cafeteria it’s easy to spot the group of colourful people out front on the grass under a big oak tree. Dyed hair is almost a given among the Arts students but the array of colours that Jester and her friends present are uncanny. There’s the royal blue of Jester, the blue-and-purple of Molly, Caduceus’ soft pastel pink and a vibrant turquoise of a person that Beau does not recognise. Fjord with his natural black fauxhawk and a girl with a light brown bobcut almost stand out more than anyone in the group.

“’Sup”, she greets as she approaches.

Fjord offers her a fist bump which means they’re fine and he hasn’t taken any serious offence from their disagreement this morning. Jester squeals in typical Jester-fashion and wiggles her hands at her from where she’s lying with her head in Molly’s lap. Beau slumps down next to them despite the proximity to Mollymauk and takes Jester’s hand, giving it a quick squeeze.

“What’s good today?”, she asks, inspecting the array of trays and the half-empty plates of lunch they carry. “I’m starving.”

“The curry’s pretty tasty”, Caduceus offers. “Or there’s oven veggies with falafel and sour cream dip.”

Beau nods along to his reply. “Sounds good. I’ll just leave my stuff here and get back.” She takes her purse from her sackpack and heads into the direction of the cafeteria.

“Bring me some dessert!”, Jester shouts after her, as if her tray isn’t a mountain of pastries and dessert, her actual lunch portion probably consumed by Fjord.

  


Since it’s Friday, the cafeteria isn’t as busy as usual and Beau quickly gets herself some oven veggies, choosing a chocolate pudding for dessert. She’ll probably have to defend it against Jester, but if she’s being honest with herself, she’ll leave it to her after a few half-hearted attempts anyway.

Everyone’s still there when she gets back, lounging around the grass in some way. Caduceus has become the pillow for both Jester and Mollymauk while the two people who Beau hasn’t met before are chatting with Jester. Fjord is sitting on the side, a bit left out, so Beau plops down next to him.

“How’s classes?”, he asks as she starts dipping her oven veggies into the sour cream and shoving them into her mouth.

Beau holds up a finger, signalling him to wait, takes a few more bites, swallows and then finally turns to him. “Nothing new. Zeenoth’s still trying to feed us government propaganda on how imperialism is totally fine and how it was such a great move to take over the Julous Dominion.”

“What do you study?”, the girl with the light brown bobcut asks.

“History”, Beau replies. “With some Politics thrown in there just for fun.”

“Beau is my other flatmate”, Jester comments from her comfortable position on Caduceus’ chest in lieu of an introduction. “Beau, that’s Moira and Finley, they study Fine Arts with me.”

“I’m Moira”, the girl with the bob says, to clarify things further.

“Pleasure”, Beau mutters and almost turns back to her lunch before she remembers the conversation from this morning with Fjord. “So where are you guys from?”

That’s what you’re supposed to ask, right? Smalltalk. _What do you study? Where are you from?_ _Nice_ _weather, right?_

“Menagerie Coast”, Moira replies easily. “Port Dimali.”

“Oh hey, me too!”, Fjord enthuses. And they’re off.

“Miss the sea?”

“Absolutely.”

“Which part of Port Dimali are you from?”

From what Beau knows about the Menagerie Coast, it consists majorly of city states, with Port Dimali and Nicodranas being the biggest. There’s smaller, more provincial towns as well but everyone that Beau has met who’s from the Menagerie Coast is usually from one of the big cities.

“Uhm… Harbourside? My- uhm- my uncle works on the docks.” Fjord has been always cagey with information about his childhood but because neither Beau nor Jester have dug very deep, this is news even to Beau. “How ‘bout you?”

“Upper Terrace”, Moira replies, and they both look a bit uneasy by this exchange. “My step-dad owns a shipping company.”

Beau really feels like she’s missing something in there, a societal norm or something but neither of the two offers any additional information, so it must be local to Port Dimali. She has her guesses though.

“How ‘bout you, uhm...”

Shit. She’s forgotten the other girl’s name.

“Finley”, the girl with the turquoise hair replies, her voice a bit deeper than expected. Okay. Maybe not a girl. Maybe non-binary. Beau doesn’t know how to ask these things without offending the other person, so she just drops it for the moment.

“Right. Finley. Where’bouts are you from?”

“The Empire”, Finley replies with a shrug. “Grew up here in Zadash. I’m a third generation Xhorhasian immigrant though.”

“Ah, okay.” Beau quickly calculates the dates back in her mind. History’s her expertise after all. “So your grandparents probably fled during the famine in the 50s.”

The guarded look on Finley’s face turns into a pleasantly surprised one.

“History student. You weren’t kidding.”

Beau grins. “Glad my useless knowledge is useful after all.”

“Does your family own the Xhorhasian restaurant on Felderwin Street, Fin?”, Jester pipes up and Beau almost rolls her eyes at the naive and prejudiced question.

But Finley only laughs and shakes her head. “Nah, but I know the place. They do some damn good pirozhki, right?”

“Yes, and blini!” Jester looks even more excited now that the conversation resolves around food, pastries in particular. “Our friend Yasha works there!”

“Sorry, I don’t know her.”

“Don’t worry, you will meet her at the Queer Alliance sometime.”

“Yeah, sorry we missed that”, Moira adds. “We already had plans for the night, but we’ll try and keep the Thursday free now.”

“Yayyyy!” Jester wiggles and claps excitedly until Caduceus coughs from getting a shoulder jammed into his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some "Zemnian" translations for everyone who's not fluent in German. ;)
> 
>  _“...mein Bruder und ich sind aus Nordhaven aber bei uns gehen fast alle zum studieren nach Rexxentrum. Voll schön, noch jemensch anders aus dem Zemnischen Land zu treffen!”_  
>  "...my brother and I are from Nordhaven but over there everyone goes to study in Rexxentrum. So nice to meet someone (German invented non-gendered term) from the Zemni Fields!"
> 
>  _“Mein Bruder hat- ach verdammt, ich kriegs auch nicht mehr auf Zemnisch hin- he coined the term jemensch. ‘S ist die gender-neutrale Form von jemand.”_  
>  "My brother has- ah, damn it, I don't know how to explain it in Zemnian- he coined the term jemensch, it's the gender neutral form of jemand (someone)."
> 
>  _“Sorry, ich will euch nicht weiter aufhalten, wollte nur kurz hallo sagen. Ich bin Viveka.”_  
>  "Sorry, I don't want to hold you up, just wanted to quickly say hello. I'm Viveka."
> 
>  _“Nett, dich kennen zu lernen”_  
>  "Nice to meet you"


	4. no matter where it was I always stood out [Yasha]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Beau gets dragged to the Queer Society's first meeting by Jester despite having no interest in additional extracurricular duties. She manages to embarrass not only herself but also Caleb, who comes out to the group as gay. Fjord tries to give her some advice on being social and making friends but Beau has never played well by anyone else's rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content warning:** There is an argument in this chapter that circles around transphobia and misgendering, it is however resolved fairly quickly.

„Yash, you ready?“

Molly’s voice carries easily through the small 2-bedroom flat as Yasha shrugs on a fresh t-shirt over her sports bra. It’s still fairly chill outside since it’s only Dualahel but Yasha doesn’t mind the cold much. She’s thick-skinned in more than one way.

Her favourite dark-grey hoodie is hanging over the back of her chair and she pulls it over because Molly will be concerned if she doesn’t wear at least something long-sleeved. A last look around her messy bedroom and she grabs her backpack, stepping into the hallway where Molly is leaning against the front door.

“Still with the monochromatic look?”, they ask with an eyebrow. “You could wear so many beautiful colours, darling.”

In comparison, Molly is a colour explosion as per usual, wearing one of their favourite dresses with sunflower-print, leggings and red ballet flats that would clash with their purple hair if it weren’t so intrinsically Mollymauk to match any and all colours. Around their left wrist dangles the engraved metal bracelet with their pronouns and they’re holding their favourite patchwork-coat in their hands.

“I like these colours”, Yasha says, tugging on the seam of her hoodie and looking down to her black pants and black combat boots. She’s had the boots since she came to the Empire, they’d been handed to her from a bag of donated clothes that were dropped off at the initial registration facility in Trostenwald. She absolutely loves them.

“Black, white and grey aren’t technically colours”, Molly points out. “Ask Jester.”

Yasha isn’t exactly sure what they mean, so she just shrugs and grabs her backpack that contains, among other things, a box of leftover pirozhki from the restaurant.

“I’m ready.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Their flat is a tiny shoebox with two bedrooms and a kitchen/living room just above a tattoo shop in the Outerstead. It’s definitely one of the more shabby parts of town as they can’t afford much more, but they both love it because it’s _theirs_. Yasha has long gotten used to the trains rattling along behind the building day and night and the weird smells from the various take-out places wafting down the street.

Jester, Fjord and Beau on the other hand live in the Innerstead. It’s nice, a residential area with trees lining the streets and some kids still swinging on a playground next to the row of buildings. As Yasha and Molly get off the tram and walk down the street, Yasha takes in the drastic difference between their neighbourhoods. Last time she was delivering food, this time she actually knows who lives in one of these buildings. It’s just a little bit intimidating.

“Second floor”, she says as Molly is looking for the right doorbell on the panel next to the entrance.

“How do you know that?”, they ask, turning around to eye her suspiciously.

“I delivered food last week.”

“So that’s why Jester was insisting you bring pirozhki!”

“Maybe.”

Yasha reaches past Molly to actually ring the bell. This time the intercom crackles and a voice actually comes through.

“Hello?”

“We’re here, we’re queer, let us in!”, Molly replies with a grin.

“Molly!!!” The buzzer goes off and they get to step into the building.

Jester is already waiting for them at the front door of the flat, wiggling her fingers at Molly who hugs her in greeting.

“You’re enby Molly today!”, she exclaims excitedly. “Your dress looks so pretty! I love your shoes. Hi Yasha!”

“Hello, Jester.”

“Hugs?”

Yasha hesitates for a moment but then leans down so Jester can hug her as well. She’s just wearing a simple red-and-white striped t-shirt and jeans today, but it doesn’t hide any of her cheerful personality.

“Come in, come in, dinner is aaaalmost ready!”

“Says the person who ain’t done nothing for dinner!”, Fjord’s voice echoes from what Yasha assumes to be the kitchen as they step into the flat.

“Hey, I made dessert!”

“Oh.” Yasha pulls off her backpack. “I brought some leftover pirozhki from work.”

“Yayyyy!” Jester claps excitedly and takes the box from Yasha. “It’ll go perfectly with what Fjord’s making!”

She skips off into the next room where Fjord’s voice and the smell of something delicious cooking seem to have come from.

“Come on”, Molly says and then shouts after Jester: “Jes, shoes on or off?”

“Off!”, comes a voice that is distinctly not Jester’s from the next room.

Molly sighs and Yasha can tell they are thinking of a response to the voice that is probably Beau’s but then give up and slip out of their ballet flats. They throw their coat at the coat rack and drifted off further into the flat. The coat drapes over the jackets for a moment before slipping down, so Yasha picks it up and hangs it up properly before taking off her boots as well.

  


The entryway is a mess of shoes, bags, jackets and coats with a full-length mirror next to the coat rack. Directly off to the right is a closed door marked with a glittering and bedazzled nameplate that simply say ‘Fjord’. On the left a halfway-closed door reveals a small bathroom.

Yasha, who isn’t quite sure what to do, follows into the direction where Jester and Molly disappeared to. The next room is a living room with a big L-shaped couch and a TV set as well as a dining table with four chairs. Beau is lounging on the couch in loose pants and a tank top, playing some kind of video game that takes too much of her concentration to acknowledge her.

Through an open door that seems to lead to the kitchen, Yasha spots Fjord in an apron, stirring something on the stove. Jester’s and Molly’s excited chatter and laughter is unmistakable.

Unsure about whether to join them, Yasha awkwardly hangs around the kitchen door until Beau curses behind her, apparently having made mistake in the game. Yasha turns around and sees her chucks her controller in the couch corner. It brings an amused smile to Yasha’s face and just in that moment Beau looks around at her.

“Oh. Hey”, she says. “Sorry, I heard you coming in but-” She gestures at the TV.

Yasha just shrugs and takes a step forward into the living room.

“What are you playing?”, she asks for conversational measures. She can do this, she tells herself, Molly taught her how to make small-talk for a reason.

“Mario Kart.”

“Okay.”

“You ever played before?”

“No...”

“Wanna try?”

Yasha takes another step towards the couch, inspecting the TV screen where a couple of cartoon characters are racing through a village that looks like it’s made of mushrooms. The screen still flashes with ‘3rd place’.

“Yes?”, she says cautiously.

“Okay, hold on, let me set up the second controller.”

Beau goes over to the TV set and starts rummaging through a drawer while Yasha settles down on the couch.

“Here we go...” Beau has gotten a second controller and sets up the game with it before handing it to Yasha.

“What do I do?”

“Okay, so...” Beau dutifully explains to her how to accelerate, brake and steer as well as use items she can gather on the tracks, which Yasha has no idea how that is supposed to work. “Don’t worry too much, you’ll figure it out. I’ll put the difficulty back on lowest so you don’t constantly go off-road.”

“Okay.”

Yasha gets to pick a character (she likes the little mushroom guy) and a vehicle (she gives him a big motorbike just for good measure) and then Beau chooses a track.

It’s not as easy as it looks. Yasha drives off track, constantly bumping into things and falling way behind. But it’s also fun once she starts to get the hang of it during the second round, driving through collectables on the road, dropping banana peels and throwing turtle shells at other drivers.

  


While Beauregard is loud, shouting and cursing at the screen, Yasha keeps quiet except for the occasional chuckle. The game pulls her in to the point that she only realises they’re being watched when the race is over, with her miraculously not in last place but second-to last. Beau has placed first seemingly without effort, but she’s obviously been playing longer.

There’s a tingle at the back of her neck and Yasha looks around to Molly leaning in the door frame with a glass of wine, smirking as if they know something she doesn’t.

“Enjoying yourself?”, they ask with a wink.

“It’s fun”, Yasha confesses.

“You wanna play too, Mollymauk?”, Beau asks with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re asking me to play video games with you?”, Molly replies with a devilish grin. “Are you feeling okay? What is wrong with you?”

“Shut up, asshole, I’m just being nice!”

“Hah! Just give me a controller, I’m gonna kick your ass at Mario Kart!”

Yasha has watched enough silly romcoms with Molly to know that if this were any other people, this would’ve probably long evolved from snarky bickering and shouting into heavy making-out and hot sex. But Beau is gay and Molly is… definitely not interested in Beau. And knowing Molly as well as she does, she can tell there’s not really any bite behind those words, at least no anger or hatred.

Mollymauk puts their wine glass onto the dining table and plops down onto the couch between the girls. Yasha hands them her controller.

“Oh, no, Yasha, you don’t need to- I can get another controller”, Beau says, already getting up.

“No, it’s fine, I will watch.” Yasha nods as if to underline her words. “I don’t want to get in between whatever this is.”

Both Molly and Beauregard give her a weird look that she can’t quite interpret.

“O-kay…” Beau settles back down on the couch, starting up a new race. “Ready to loose, Molly?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

  


Molly is way better than Yasha at Mario Kart but somehow ends up in the middle of the pack halfway through the second round and ends up finishing in ninth place while Beau places first, cheering loudly.

“I haven’t played this shit in ages”, they argue but Beau just cackles madly, arms raised up in the air, basking in her glory of victory over Mollymauk Tealeaf in Mario Kart.

In the middle of all this chaos, Jester steps in front of the TV where the result screen is still displayed. On her shoulder sits a black bird with an orange beak and yellow head ornaments, a species that Yasha has never seen before.

“Can someone help me set the table?”, she says, a little bit louder to drown out Beau’s laughter and Molly’s complaints.

“Go _fuck_ yourself!”, the bird chirps in a voice that sounds very much like Jester.

Yasha freezes next to Molly, looking at the bird with big eyes. Theoretically she knows there are birds that can mimic human speech, one of Molly’s favourite thrift shops in Trostenwald had a grey parrot that could say hello of you talked to it. But she’s never seen a bird that can actually talk in full sentences.

“Oh hi Kiri”, Molly says, not even mildly taken aback. They drop their controller on the coffee table and get up. “It’s fine, I’ll help.”

“I am Kiri!”, the bird exclaims, flapping its wings excitedly, almost hitting Jester in her face.

“Kiri, you stay here with Beau and Yasha”, Jester says, taking the bird from her shoulder to sit on her hand and petting it lovingly.

“Beau and Yasha”, Kiri repeats in Jester’s voice.

“Here, Yasha, put out your arm.”

Yasha does as she’s told, a bit confused and then taken aback when Kiri flutters and hops over onto Yasha’s arm, her feet digging slightly into the sleeve of her hoodie. Yasha stares at Kiri and Kiri stares back, cocking their head and making bird noises that seem more natural than the weird mimicry of Jester’s voice.

“Okay”, Yasha says. “Hello… Kiri?”

“I am Kiri!”

“Have fun!” Jester takes Molly’s arm and drags them off into the kitchen.

“She basically mimics all the shit we say”, Beau explains, gathering the controllers and turning off the game console and TV.

“Fuck!”, Kiri says. It sounds suspiciously like Beau herself.

“That is… very curious. I have never seen a bird like this before.”

“Yeah, Jester brought her with her from Nicodranas”, Beau says. “Amazing that she got her through customs and everything.”

Kiri chirps and starts hopping up and down Yasha’s arm before exclaiming loudly in Jester’s voice: “THAT’S GAAAAAAAY!”

Yasha chuckles and carefully pets Kiri. She’s a funny one.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


They have dinner around an actual dinner table in the living room as opposed to sitting on the floor leaning at the kitchen cabinets like they do in their own flat. Jester, Beau and Mollymauk carry the conversation, with Fjord occasionally throwing in a comment or two. Yasha just sits, eats and listens. She can’t warm up to new people as easily as Molly but she’s already decided that she likes these people.

Jester is pouring more wine for Fjord, Molly and Beau, looking at Yasha. “Do you want some?”

“No, thank you”, Yasha replies. “I don’t really drink… alcohol.”

“You religious?”, Beau asks, cocking her head.

“That’s rude, Beau”, Jester interjects. “The Traveller lets me drink alcohol!”

Yasha is confused. “Who’s the Traveller?”

“A trickster god”, Molly explains. “Jester worships him.”

“He’s basically the BEST”, Jester says, grinning.

“He’s also not government-approved, so I don’t understand why you still go around crowing all about him.” Beau gestures around with her free hand. “You could be getting into some serious trouble in the Empire. I don’t think the ‘I’m from the Coast’ card works in that case.”

Jester groans. “The Empire is so boooooring.”

“Do you all worship government-approved gods?”, Yasha asks. She knows from what Molly has taught her that religion might not be an ideal conversation topic for first meetings but it’s on the table anyway.

“Nah”, Fjord replies at the same time as Beau and Molly go “Yeah”.

That’s not quite true and Yasha knows from being Molly’s friend for five years now that the whole worshipping the Platinum Dragon is just a front and he’s actually obsessed with the Moonweaver.

“I don’t care ‘bout gods that much”, Fjord explains. “Not really my style.”

“What about you?”, Beau turns to her again.

Yasha hesitates for a moment but then decides that she can trust these people enough. After all, two of them worship other gods as well.

“The Stormlord”, she says. “And no, I don’t refuse alcohol because of him. I just don’t like it.”

“Cool. That’s cool.” Beau nods at her.

“So you want juice instead?”, Jester asks. “I can pour you grape juice in a wine glass, it’ll look juuuuust like the real deal.”

“Yeah, okay.”

  


The conversation shifts to different topics after that, mainly to the Queer Society and what plans Jester and Molly have for it. Yasha still doesn’t feel like she has quite grasped the concept of the Queer Society but it seems that it involves throwing parties and fundraisers and painting posters.

“I meeeeean, I can ask my mum if she will come and perform”, Jester says, taking apart a pirozhki and dipping it into her bean chilli.

“I know a few drag queens here in Zadash, so we could totally put on a show”, Molly says. “I’d probably do a performance myself.”

“Oh my god REALLY?” Jester squeals, drops her pirozhki into her chilli and claps excitedly. “Molly, that would be AMAAAAAZING! You’re so much better at this than I am.”

“Thanks, darling.” Molly winks and takes a sip from their wine glass.

“So wait, are you gonna dress up as a drag queen or king?”, Beau asks.

Everyone turns and looks at her, then back at Molly who is chewing on a pirozhki and squinting at Beau, looking a bit confused as if they’re not quite sure of what she’s asking. Yasha, who doesn’t even know what a drag queen or king is, is completely lost on the conversation now.

She catches Jester looking nervously back at Beauregard. “Beau...”

“What? I feel like it’s a legitimate question, I mean-” She turns back to look at Molly and gestures at them. “-usually you dress like a boy, today you’re dressed like a girl-”

Molly’s face shifts from confusion to irritation in a split-second. “I am dressed like me”, they say, their voice sharp and angry. “Not like a girl. Not like a boy. Like me. Clothing has no gender.”

Yasha’s sitting there, not sure what to do, slowly lowering her spoon back to her plate. She’s very rarely seen Molly angry, but she knows their gender can still be a sensitive topic.

Glancing over at Fjord, he seems to be assessing the argument at the table just like her. Their eyes meet and she wishes she could telepathically communicate to him that they need to defuse this situation before it blows over. He turns to Molly, opening his mouth to speak but Molly is faster.

“Are you really gonna be that bitch?”, they ask with a grin that definitely isn’t friendly. “Questioning whether I’m a ‘real man’-” they make air-quote to underline their statement “-or just putting on a face?”

“No!” Beau looks taken aback by the turn her question has taken in the conversation at the table. “I get it, you’re trans and sometimes you’re male and sometimes you’re non-binary. I’m just saying, some trans people do drag in their own gender-”

“What Beau means to say is she’s sorry for the misunderstanding”, Fjord intervenes, looking intently at Beauregard. “Sometimes we don’t think about how our words might be hurtful or misinterpreted as such.”

Silence passes on and Yasha looks back and forth between Beau and Molly. Finally she puts her hand on Molly’s arm to placate them and they huff out a breath before sagging back into their chair.

“Drag queen”, they say, their eyes still lingering on Beau with a distrustful look. “And it doesn’t look like this. At all.” They gesture at themselves, their dress, their light make-up, their braided hair.”

“I didn’t think so”, Beau replies, crossing her arms and scowling back.

Jester, has turned from looking nervous to distraught now.

“You guys, please don’t fight”, she says, her voice shaking. “I don’t wanna pick a side.”

Molly and Beau are still staring at each other, glaring, not sure whether this argument has just been resolved or this has just been the first round.

“Fine”, Molly finally says. “I misunderstood what you were trying to ask and I’m sorry for overreacting.”

Beau remains silent until Fjord elbows her in her side. “Sorry I offended you. I didn’t mean it.”

Jester sniffles. “Now hug.”

Beau and Molly both simultaneously raise their eyebrows, looking at Jester whose face immediately shifts into a wide grin, then at each other.

“No.” “Nope.”

“Hrmph. You’re being stupid.” Jester drops her smile and gets up, walking off into the kitchen. Everybody’s looking after her a bit confused.

“Jester, what-”

“I’M GETTING DESSERT!”, she shouts, sounding a bit annoyed but not angry. She comes back a moment later with a big bowl filled with something white and topped with lots of fruit. “This is rice pudding from Nicodranas, I hope none of you are allergic to cinnamon because there’s LOTS in this.”

  


Somehow, despite the argument and the still lingering tension between Beau and Molly, the evening turns to a more delightful mood fairly quickly. They do the dishes and play a card game called “Sushi Go!” that Jester gets from her room, simply picked for the cuteness of its design. Beau puts on the radio in the background, some obscure station with a DJ that plays a strange mix of Alternative Rock, Pop and Rap.

The decide at the end of the night, Jester and Molly cuddling on the sofa, Fjord cleaning up their glasses, Beau stretched out on the rug in front of the TV and Yasha leaning against the sofa, that this, this dinner party on Saturday night should become a regular thing.

“Unless we have a party”, Jester declares. “Then we should have brunch the morning after.”

“Excellent idea”, Molly replies, pressing a kiss to the top of her head like they usually do with Yasha.

And so they come back the week after.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Yasha finds herself more often than not hanging out at the student society building in the Queer Society’s room in between lectures. It’s mostly because that’s where Molly hangs out but after a while it just becomes a familiar space where people know her and she can sit and just listen.

Before coming to the Empire and meeting Mollymauk, Yasha had never heard of the term queer before and hadn’t known any people that might consider themselves as such. When Molly had told her about his sexuality, she’d assumed that this was just how things were in the Empire – and she accepted it without question.

The gender thing has taken a bit longer, a lot more trust and talking. Yasha still doesn’t fully understand how Molly can feel like a man one day and non-binary on another. She still asks questions on occasion, and Molly encourages her to, but as he had told her many times before, understanding isn’t necessary for acceptance.

In meeting other people from the group, there is a diversity of gender identities and sexual orientations. Yasha listens and Yasha learns. She helps Calianna put up posters that her and Jester have made, displaying the variety of identities and orientations. People can take a pin and put it around the terms they identify with. It’s kinda neat.

  


One Thursday afternoon she comes into the Queer Space an hour before the weekly meeting starts and she finds Jester and Mollymauk pouring over Jester’s sticker-covered laptop at one of the tables on one side of the room. The only other person around is, to her surprise, Caleb.

Caleb, who is sitting on one of the sofas, pouring over a book and having several others spread out on the coffee table. He’s been around a few times before but always just to official meetings, talking in a quiet voice and more or less fading in the background. He is quiet and slightly awkward in a way that is familiar to Yasha, so she nods a quick hello to her friends before sitting down on the sofa across from Caleb.

He doesn’t even look up.

Yasha tries to decipher what he is reading. It looks very much like physics, a subject that she never really liked at school.

“You study physics?”, she asks.

“ _Was?_ ” Caleb looks up at her, pushing some strands of ginger hair out of his face, clearly surprised but not annoyed at being disturbed. “Oh, _ja, äh_ \- I study theoretical physics- for my Master’s degree.”

“Is it- hard?”

“I guess it depends on how you look at it. It is complex, yes, but also, you know, I am very good at this?”

Yasha cocks her head slightly in question. “This?”

“Learning things?” Caleb points at the books. “I am a fast reader, I can read books very quickly and memorise things.”

Yasha contemplates this for a moment. “That is- very helpful.”

“Well, it- yes.” Caleb looks like he wants to add something else there but then doesn’t. “What do you study?”, he asks instead.

“Cultural Studies.”

“Is that in the Social Sciences?”

“Yes, I think so?”

“I do not know a lot about the Social Sciences”, Caleb says. “I am mostly on the Science and Engineering Campus.”

The Science campus is actually closer to Yasha’s and Molly’s flat but she’s never been there before, not having any reason to. Some of the tram lines she takes go by it and obviously she knows people who are in the Science and Engineering field, but she’s mostly bound to the Arts and Social Sciences campus.

“Do you like it?”, Caleb asks her. “Cultural Studies...”

She nods, smiling, and then adds: “I like learning about things like holidays and what the flowers look like?”

“The flowers?”

“Well, you know, there are a lot of different flowers that grow here. We don’t have so many flowers where I come from.”

“Oh. Where do- where do you come from?”

“Xhorhas.”

“Oh.”

Yasha knows that “oh”. It is the realisation that she is different, that she came here from a country that the Empire is currently at war with. It is the immediately categorising her as foreigner, a refugee, someone who might start trouble, someone who doesn’t belong. She pulls back a little from the conversation, lowers her gaze.

“Did you run from the war?”

“Yes.”

“With your family?”

“No.”

“They are still in Xhorhas?”

“Yes.”

“I am sorry.”

Yasha looks back up at Caleb. He doesn’t carry the usual judgemental or scared look in his eyes that so many people have when they discover her heritage. If anything he looks sad and maybe a little bit tired.

“Why?”

“Because you can not be with your family.”

Yasha contemplates on what to say, staring at her bitten fingernails and then looking over at where Molly and Jester are still having a conversation in surprisingly low voices. She turns back to Caleb.

“I have a new family now.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


She runs into Beauregard one night after a late shift.

Well, on first sight she thinks she’s just caught a burglar on their way to a break-in. She doesn’t recognise the hooded figure that slinks around the back of the supermarket two roads down from where her and Molly live. It looks kinda sketchy and Yasha can’t help but follow carefully.

Her own clothing is mostly dark which is good in the shadows, but then her foot hits something that sounds like an empty bottle just lying on the pavement and it clinks down onto the street, not very loud but the hooded figure whips around immediately, sees her and curses in a low voice.

Yasha freezes.

She’s not entirely sure what she was trying to do here. Maybe just see what the person was up to?

_Act casual._

“Evening”, she says, voice shaking and almost ready to turn around and leave. She has no business here, she is a fucking refugee, if the police catch her there’s always trouble waiting. Even if she actually did catch a burglar in the act.

“Yasha?”, the hooded person replies.

_Wait what?_

The figure approaches, squinting at her. “What’re you doing here, Yasha?”

And that’s when she recognises her, somehow it’s the pants that do it, the grey-and-blue leggings with the mesh on the side that she’s seen Beau wear a few times before. She puts it together with the voice and she looks up and-

“I thought you were a burglar or something”, she blurts out.

Beau chuckles quietly and shakes her head, hood still up but Yasha can see her face now, grinning at her.

“Fuck, you scared me there for a mo’”, she says. “Don’t worry, I’m not breaking into people’s houses. Just- you know. Some dumpster diving?”

“What?”

“I’m rescuing food from supermarket dumpsters. You wanna come with? There’s no CCTV or climbing fences at this one, they just leave their wheelie bins out in the back. It’s technically not illegal.”

“Technically?” Yasha looks at Beau sceptically.

“We’re taking rubbish out of wheelie bins. Nobody cares much about their rubbish unless they’re stickler. I haven’t had any problem the past six months so… your choice.”

Yasha takes in Beau’s body language for a moment. She doesn’t seem nervous in the slightest, rather relaxed, her hands burrowed in the front pocket of her hoodie. Her eyes scan their surroundings, not scared but attentive.

“Okay.” Yasha huffs out a breath. “But if we get into trouble-”

“We won’t. And if we do, no running. Keep your cool. I will do the talking. Okay?” Beau raises an eyebrow at her in question.

“Okay.” Yasha nods, then adds: “I trust you.”

She thinks she might’ve seen a blush on Beau’s cheeks before she turns around, walking back into the direction she was heading before Yasha surprised her. It’s hard to tell with so little light around. Yasha follows, quietly, watching her path for any more bottles or things that could make a noise if she were to stumble into them.

Just like Beau said, the wheelie bins are around the back of the supermarket, no security camera in sight and no cage around them. Beau approaches quickly and pulls a couple of plastic bags as well as disposable gloves out of her backpack.

“Put these on”, she says, handing Yasha a pair of gloves. “This might get messy. Not as bad as in summer but still…”

And then she opens the first bin.

Yasha carefully steps closer as Beau just begins rummaging through the contents of the bin, occasionally pulling things out and stuffing them in one of the plastic bags. Most of it is fruits and vegetables.

“Take a bag, check the other bins.” Beau talks quickly while she works. “Pack anything that looks good. We clean it later and we can cut off stuff that has gone bad. So even if there’s a bag with five peaches and one of them is squashed, still take it. Brown bananas are still good. Don’t take any meat, I wouldn’t try that. Grapes are a pain to clean but take them anyway if they still look good overall.”

It’s a lot of information at once and Yasha’s not sure she can remember it all but she still nods. “Got it.”

The bin Yasha opens isn’t nearly as full as Beau’s. She pulls out several cabbages and zucchinis easily, as well as bell peppers and some tomato bundles, although some of those are mashed. As she starts to dig deeper, the food becomes slushier and the chances of finding anything worth taking grow thinner.

“Don’t worry, I usually just skim the top.”

She almost flinches as Beau steps up next to her, then nods. “Okay.”

“Last one.”

There’s only three wheelie bins behind this supermarket, it’s not a very big one. Yasha follows Beau after shutting her bin but before she can even look, she notices Beau’s eyes go wide.

“Whoa, okay”, Beau gasps. “I think we just hit a jackpot.”

“What?”

Yasha steps up next to her and looks into the bin. Beau has already grabbed another plastic bag and pulls out two bars of chocolate. And another. And another. And a box of pralines. And more chocolate.

“Why did they throw it away?”, Yasha asks, confused. The chocolate looks perfectly fine to her, it’s not fresh produce like the fruits and vegetables.

“Shelf life ran out”, Beau replies. “They can’t sell it any more. But honestly, chocolate lasts a long time, it doesn’t really matter. Just legal stuff, you know?” She’s probably pulled out a good dozen or so chocolate bars out by now. “I can’t believe they throw this stuff out either.”

Yasha shakes her head in disbelief, holding another plastic bag ready.

“Oh good, there’s our dinner plans for Saturday.”

“What?”

“ _Kloßmasse_ _._ ”

“What?”

“It’s a Zemnian thing. They make these dumplings from potatoes and breadcrumbs and since no-one ever makes them from scratch any more, they sell this mixture instead.”

Beau hefts a bulk bag of thick yellow dough onto the side of the bin. “Shit, that’s heavy.”

There’s a picture on the bag of a smiling motherly woman in traditional Zemnian clothes, holding a big pot filled with round yellow dumplings. Yasha has learned about some aspects of Zemnian culture in her studies but not much about the traditional foods.

“How do you make the dumplings?”

“Shit I don’t know.” Beau turns the bag around. “Oh, there’s instructions on the back. Okay...”

“We should invite Caleb to dinner”, Yasha says. The thought comes to her in a split-second and is out of her mouth before she can even consider it further. Caleb’s heritage only came up in a comment on the side of their conversation last week, but it pops up when she looks at the words on the package. _Zemnian Traditional Food_.

Beau looks up, a bit confused.

“He’s from the Zemni Fields”, Yasha explains hastily. “He will know what to do with this.”

“Yeah… Yeah, okay. We can do that, I guess.” Beau nods. “Come on, let’s get this into a bag and I think we’re done here.”

“No more chocolate?”

Beau shakes her head and pulls off her disposable gloves. “Nah, I think I got it all. And if there is, maybe it’ll make someone else happy.” She drops the gloves off into the yellow recycling bin and motions Yasha over to do the same.

They get their stuff together, closing the lids on all the wheelie bins and Yasha looks at Beau for direction. “Okay, so now what?”

“We need to get home and clean all this stuff...”

“I live two streets away from here.”

“Okay, yeah, we can do that.” Beau casually starts walking around the back of the supermarket as if nothing has happened, then turns back around to grin at Yasha. “We’ll split up the treasure, too. Come on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those interested in "Zemnian" culture: _Kloßmasse_ is a thing that I've encountered quite frequently while living and dumpster diving in Thuringia (which is a state in Germany) and which is particularly a local Thuringian thing. I personally am a big fan of Thüringer Klöße because I love potatoes. Sometimes they even fill them with breadcrumbs...


	5. heard the whispers, now let's see what all the talk's about [Beau]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Molly and Yasha join Fjord, Beau and Jester for dinner, Yasha learns how to play Mario Kart and Molly and Beau get into an argument. A few days later, Yasha runs into Beau while she's out and about for some dumpster diving. The two join forces and come upon a dumpster diving jackpot: Chocolate.

Of all the people to run into while on a dumpster-diving trip, Yasha would’ve been the last one she’d have expected. Then again, she does apparently work at a restaurant that has late shifts, but still. Beau doesn’t even know where she lives, her and Molly always come over to Jester’s, Fjord’s and her shared flat.

And now she understands why.

They walk up a narrow staircase to the flat which is on the first floor above a tattoo shop and Yasha puts down one of the plastic bags she is carrying to unlock the door.

“I’m home”, she calls into the flat, which quite frankly is tiny. “I brought food and company.”

“Company?”, comes the response from one of the rooms further away from the entry and a moment later Mollymauk steps out, wrapped in what looks like a silk robe.

Beau bites her tongue so she doesn’t comment on it. This is Yasha’s place and Molly is Yasha’s friend and flatmate and if she wants to spend time here with Yasha, she has to be nice to Molly too. In her mind she can judge him all he wants but there’s no space for her opinion here. Besides, if she would look at it rationally, it’s probably not much better than getting the door in a sports bra and boxers.

Molly spots her and grins. “Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.”

Beau just pulls a face.

“We’re just gonna use your kitchen to clean some stuff and then I’ll be out of your hair”, she says in lieu of a greeting.

“Beau showed me how to dive in a dumpster”, Yasha adds and then turns into the room directly on the right. “Kitchen’s this way.”

“She WHAT?”

Beau just shrugs at Molly’s confused and horrified face and follows Yasha, setting down the plastic bags with rescued food on the floor. Yasha’s already clearing the sink area, putting away washed dishes and pushing dirty dishes to the side.

“Now what?” She turns back to Beau.

“Hot water, no dish soap”, Beau explain. “That’s usually fine. Jus’ start with the fruits and vegetables, I wash and you dry off, yeah? D’you have a bio-waste and a knife?”

“Yes, hold on.”

Yasha gets a paper bin bag from under the kitchen sink and a small sharp knife from one of the drawers while Beau sorts through the bags. Two of them are purely fresh produce while one is just the dumpling mixture, one contains chocolate and some potatoes and the last one is a mix of puddings, yoghurt and apples.

Beau starts cutting off bad parts of the fruits and vegetables and then dropping them into the kitchen sink while Yasha dries off whatever gets dropped onto the drainboard. After a while, Molly joins in with a resigned sigh, grabbing another tea towel and helping Yasha with the drying off goods.

“You’re kinda weird, you know?”, he says and Beau knows he means her. “Dumpster diving...”

“Yeah”, she replies. “But I got you free food, didn’t I?”

“Some people barely get any food at all.”

Beau sighs. She’s had this conversation before, so many times. “And yet it still gets thrown away. It’s fucking capitalism, Molly, we can’t really do much about it except protest excessive consumer culture.”

“I’m just saying, you could do things with this”, he insists. “Donate the food to a shelter or-”

“I’ve tried. It’s legally not possible because it’s past the expiration date.” She stops with the cleaning and turns around to look at Molly. “Shelters are still an institution under the law. Nobody can guarantee this food is good – even though most of the times it is. It’s how the fucking system works. And as much as I hate the system-” Mollymauk rolls his eyes at that “-I don’t know how to change it.”

She returns to her work and to her surprise, Molly leaves her alone after that. He only speaks up again once they start pulling out the chocolate bars to clean the packaging.

“You can’t be serious.”

“What?”

“You found all this? In a dumpster?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s insane!”

“That’s a dumpster-diving jackpot.” Beau grins at him and rinses off every packaging.

They divide the food equally for both households, Beau taking the dumpling mixture since they are going to use it for their Saturday dinner at their flat anyway.

“So, who’s going to tell Caleb?”, she says as she drops the bag into her backpack. “I don’t have his number...”

Molly looks at her a bit strangely. “Tell Caleb what?”

“That he’s invited to help us make traditional Zemnian dinner? Because we got this 3kg bag of Zemnian dumpling mixture?”

“That’s remarkably thoughtful of you, Beauregard, are you sure you didn’t hit your head while diving into a dumpster?” Molly waggles his eyebrows at her and she glares back. “Just kidding. I mean- I got Caleb’s number, I can ask him.”

“Cool.” Beau stuffs the heavy produce into her backpack and the rest in one of the plastic bags she brought along for dumpster-diving. “I’ll be on my way then.” She gives Yasha and Molly a short salute. “See you later.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


She doesn’t hear anything else about their spontaneous changes to the Saturday dinner plans until two days when Jester comes into her room while she is doing push-ups on the floor.

“Nott and Caleb are coming to dinner on Saturday”, she announces. “Our table is not big enough for seven people!”

Beau sighs and drops down onto her yoga mat.

“We’ll just squish together”, she says, grabbing a top that is lying around on the floor to wipe her face.

Jester pulls a face at her. “Ew, you’re gross.”

“You’re the one who interrupted my workout.” Beau shifts into stretches, folding over her leg and touching her toes with ease.

Jester sighs and drops down on the floor in front of her. “Why did you have to go and invite two more people?”

“Technically I invited nobody. Yasha suggested it and since Molly had his number, he invited Caleb and apparently there’s no Caleb without Nott. You like Nott!”

“That is true.” Jester nods, fiddling with the bracelets around her arm. “She is fun to have around, even if she gets nervous sometimes. I gave her one of my fidgety toys, did you know she never had one before? She collects things though, like she has these chestnuts that she keeps in her jacket for her hands. I think she’s really poor because she always wears the same clothes. Do you think she would fit my clothes? I could give her some of my clothes, I-”

“Jester?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re talking really fast.”

“Oh.”

Her excited face drops into a frown.

Beau sits up and pulls her legs into a cross-legged position. “’Kay, now what do you need? Did you take your meds?”

“Yes.”

“Can I take a quick shower and then I’m all here for you?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then.” Beau pulls off her jade bracelet and hands it to Jester who starts fidgeting with it. “I’ll be right back for whatever you want to do.”

She drops the top she’s used as a makeshift towel into her laundry basket and quickly just cleans the rest of her dirty clothes off the floor as well. Normally she doesn’t mind it but Jester does and if she’s in a bad mindset anyway, Beau can at least make this space a bit more comfortable to be in.

  


Beauregard has perfected the three-minute shower, especially if she doesn’t wash her hair. She dries off, gets dressed in fresh clothes and slips back into her room where Jester is waiting, leaning against the foot of her bed.

It’s rare to see Jester so vulnerable and she’s pretty good at hiding it to a lot of people but not to Beau. Not after they have become so intimately close that they know each other’s tics.

“Do you want tea, to calm you?”, Beau asks. Jester just shakes her head. “A massage? Cuddles? I’m not really in the mood for-”

“It’s fine, I can go-”

“Jester, no.” Beau grabs her wrist. “Stay. I’ll give you a head massage.”

She gets up onto her bed, sitting cross-legged behind Jester where she’s leaning against the bed and starts burrowing her fingers into her hair, gently scratching her scalp. It takes a moment but the tension drops from Jester’s shoulders. She’s still fiddling with Beau’s bracelet but in the quiet of the room, there’s a relieved sigh.

“Everything’s just a lot right now”, Jester eventually says quietly. “I had to take Kiri to the Vet today because she hasn’t been eating as much, everyone keeps asking me things about Queer Society that I don’t know the answer to, we still don’t have a committee...”

“Why do you need a committee?”

“So people stop asking me questions!”

“I thought you liked running the Queer Society.”

“Not if I have to do EVERYTHING!”

“Hm, yeah...” Beau digs her fingers into Jester’s neck now and her friend lets out another sigh. “Maybe you should address it at the meeting tomorrow. You need to look after yourself too, Jes.”

“Will you come?” Jester turns around and looks at her. “You haven’t been to any meetings since the first one.”

The easy lie is already on Beau’s tongue but she swallows it back down. This is Jester, her friend, maybe even her best one. This is not about the Queer Society, this is about being a good fucking person and a supportive friend.

“Sure.”

Jester’s face lights up and the regret of promising something that’s not fun in Beau’s eyes shrinks to a minimum.

“I feel all better now”, Jester declares. “Do you wanna watch Netflix and eat lots of ice cream?”

“No Netflix and chill?”, Beau responds with a smirk.

“Maybe later.” Jester runs a hand through her hair and winks at Beau. “I’m gonna go get the ice cream. Meet you in the living room.”

She gets up, leans down to give Beau a quick peck on the lips and then leaves the room.

Beauregard sits there for a moment, not quite sure if she’s just imagining things or if something’s changing between them. The casual affection wasn’t always a part of their deal, it was just either friendship or sex. But the closer they become as friends, the more the lines get blurred and Beau finds that she doesn’t really mind

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Nobody argues about it at the Queer Society’s weekly meeting the next day. When Jester voices her concerns about them still not having a committee, Molly is the first one to speak up.

“So we’ll form one”, he says. “I mean, legally, in the eyes of the Academy I’m the committee right now.”

“Why?”, Fjord asks. “Who elected you?”

“Nobody. It was more a necessity than a choice. We didn’t have enough members to hold an election last semester and nobody else wanted to do it. I volunteered to keep the group running.” Molly shrugs and gets up and gets a chalkboard on wheels that Beau hasn’t seen the last time she was here.

“First off, we need a president and a vice president”, Molly says, writing down the positions on the board. “Secretary and Treasury, I know they’ve had people in those positions share the vice presidency before. Any other suggestions?”

“Publicity”, Jester says immediately.

The Zemnian girl, Viveka raises her hand. “Event Coordination, maybe Campaigns if we get to that point.”

“Excellent.” Molly notes down all positions and puts Campaigns in brackets. “I was also thinking IT, that would be a position for your brother, Viv, someone to run the Facebook page and mailing list.”

“I can ask him, he had a doctor’s appointment today.”

Molly writes down IT and puts Gunnar’s name in brackets behind it. Then puts “Social/Welfare” as an additional point and turns back to the group.

“Ideally, if we were more people, we would also have representatives, you know?”, he says. “There’s been a Women’s Rep, Trans Rep, Bi and Pan Rep before but at this stage with a group this small I think everyone still has the space to represent their issues individually.”

Beau raises her hand. ”So what now?”

“Now we nominate people”; Molly explains. “And then we’ll send out an email on the mailing list and have elections next week.”

“I nominate you for president!”, Jester calls before Molly can even say anything else.

Mollymauk looks surprised for a second, followed by a pleased smile. “Thank you, Jester. Anyone else?”

“I nominate Jester”, Fjord offers. Jester turns to look at him confusedly, as if she’s misheard him.

“No”, she says and it’s an unexpected tone coming from Jester, one that does not tolerate any objection. “That’s the whole reason why we’re doing this. I don’t _wanna_ be president.”

Fjord seems to be as surprised by her tone as their other friends. Finally, he simply nods and the attention shifts back to Mollymauk.

“Okay then”, Molly continues. “If there are no more nominations I’d continue with Secretary. Yes, Jester?”

“Do we have to do the stupid nomination stuff? Can’t we not all just say what we wanna do and then you put us down for that?”

“You can certainly nominate yourself if that’s what you want.”

“Fine.” Jester looks over at Calianna who’s lounging on the sofa next to her. “I nominate Cali for Secretary.”

Calianna squeaks and then wraps her arms around Jester, wiggling excitedly. “Thank you, Jester!”

“Calianna for Secretary, alright.” Molly makes a note. “Who’s next? Treasury?”

Nott, who has kept to her usual quiet self during the meeting, speaks up. “I would like to nominate Caleb. He’s really good with money and numbers.”

Caleb looks as surprised by this as everyone else, staring at his smaller friend. He mutters something that Beau can’t really hear but before Nott and him can delve into a quiet argument, Molly intervenes.

“The treasury position is very much a background job”, he quickly explains. “It’s not much work, you just keep track of our spendings and incomes and hand in a report at the end of the semester.”

Caleb still looks a bit scared.

“You said the treasurer is also vice president”, he points out.

Molly shrugs. “You don’t have to. It doesn’t have to be the treasurer. The secretary could be vice president on her own if Calianna would be up for it.”

Calianna’s eyes go wide and she looks equally scared now.

“Oh no”, she mutters. “I’m not good at public speaking.”

“I will do it with you, Cali”, Jester jumps in. “You can do the planning and I can do the speeches.”

She links arms with Cali and smiles at her reassuringly, then turns to Caleb.

“If we do the vice president stuff, will you do all the money stuff?”, she asks. “Because I’m _really_ bad at money stuff.”

“O-okay.” Caleb nods and Mollymauk writes down his name on the chalkboard with a big smile.

“Thank you, Caleb. Now, we don’t need the other positions but-”

“I wanna do publicity!”, Jester calls, raising her free hand high up, grinning.

“Good, so we got Jester in Publicity, Viv can you ask your brother about the IT position? Just a formality, I feel like he’s basically already doing it.”

Viveka nods and pulls out her smartphone, probably to text her brother. Molly glances back at the blackboard and then turns to the group again.

“Okay, so if anybody wants to volunteer for Welfare or Events, feel free, otherwise we’ll wait on those. We can still do event planning on this small scale in a group but if we get bigger I’d definitely like a separate event planner. And a welfare officer would obviously be good but-”

“I can do that.” It’s Caduceus who has been keeping quiet most of the meeting, looking up from their cup of freshly brewed tea. During the past few weeks where Beau hasn’t been at the Queer Society, their meeting space has gotten a small kitchenette with an electric kettle and a coffee machine and someone has brought in an array of teas. Probably Deuces, who is the only person drinking tea.

“I mean, if you’d rather have someone from the social studies, I can understand that”, they add, the lazy smile never leaving their face. “But I’ve been told I’m a pretty good listener.”

“I can attest to that”, Viveka says, shooting a smile to Deuces. “I would’ve nominated you otherwise.”

“Oh, that’s nice.” Caduceus is still smiling and Beau has long gotten the feeling that nothing can disturb their peace, they just smile at everything.

“Good, so I’ll put down Caduceus as welfare officer”, Mollymauk announces. “I’ll send out the email, we’ll have a vote next week- Yes, Viveka?”

“Next Thursday is Harvest Rise Festival”, Viveka says. “You sure you wanna do elections then?”

“We’ll move the meeting and elections to Wednesday, simple as”, Molly retorts. “I’ll also allow absentee voting for people who can’t be there on Wednesday. So you can all go to the festival on Thursday and then we’ll be officially back up and running with a committee in two weeks.”

Someone starts clapping and everybody joins in and then they have doughnuts and vegan chocolate muffins that Viveka made and talk about the latest news at university. Beau almost forgets for a moment how much she does not like participating in student societies because this feels nothing like responsibility and every bit like a fun, relaxed chat with some friends.

  


Caleb approaches her after the meeting is over.

“You- _ähm_ \- invited us to dinner”, he says. “Thank you.”

“Oh. Sure. No problem.” Beau doesn’t exactly know what to say because she didn’t actually invite him, she agreed to Yasha’s idea to invite him and then handed over the actual inviting job to Mollymauk.

“Why?”

“Sorry?”

“Why did you invite us?”

“Uhhhhmm”, Beauregard says. “We randomly came into possession of three kilograms of _Kloßmasse_?”

“What?”

“Look, don’t shout it from the rooftops but I go dumpster diving on occasion. We found a big bag of that dough that you guys make your potato dumplings in the Zemni Fields from, so I took it with me. It’s still fine to eat...”

“Okay… How do you know-”

“That it’s a Zemnian thing? It says so on the package.”

“Oh, okay.” Caleb nods, still looking very confused.

“We want you to help us cook them like you would in the Zemni Fields”, Beau explains. “We have these dinners at our flatshare every Saturday and we wanted to try something new.”

“ _Ja_ , okay, I understand… What else will you cook?”

“Wait- we need more stuff?” Beauregard looks at Caleb, trying not to panic. She didn’t even consider the fact that the dumplings might just be part of a whole meal.

“ _Äh, ja_ , you need- _ähm_ \- _Rotkohl_?” Caleb snaps his fingers, trying to remember the word. “The... red cabbage?”

“Yes, we can get that.”

“ _Und- ähm_ \- meat, you know?”

“What kind of meat? Beef? Pork? Chicken?”

“Maybe from a wild deer, probably. You make it in the oven, a big piece.”

“A roast.”

“ _Ja_ \- yes, that’s it. A roast.”

“Sounds fancy.”

Caleb pulls a face as if he’s hurt. “It might be a bit- cost a lot of money.”

“Don’t worry about it”, Beau reassures him. “I can get the red cabbage no issue, if I don’t find any more while dumpster diving we can buy some cheap at the market, I think. And I think we can put some money together to buy a decent piece of meat to roast. Just have to try ‘n figure out where to find some venison.”

“Venison is...”

“...deer meat.”

“Good, good, okay- I can give you some money if you need-”

“Nah, man, it’s fine.” Beauregard demurs. “You just show up and help us cook the most traditional Zemnian dinner. We kinda pulled you in there without asking.”

“Are you sure?”

“If you want you can buy spices?”, Beau suggests. “I don’t know what kind of spices you need, so...”

“ _Ja_ , I can do that.” Caleb thinks as if he wants to add something, then chuckles. “I do not know the names of the spices anyway. Only parsley and black pepper.”

“Okay then, do you want my number in case anything happens or you can’t find the flat?”

Caleb nods and they exchange phone numbers. Nott shows up just as they have reached the awkward goodbye stage and thankfully pulls Caleb off and out of the room. Almost immediately in her footstep follows Jester, grinning her impish little grin.

“Soooooooo”, she starts. “How’d it gooooo?”

“We’re engaged and getting married in two weeks”, Beau says deadpan. “No, but we do need more red cabbage and a venison roast. At least we have a cook.”

“Sounds fancy.”

“It probably is. I’m kinda curious.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Their kitchen is cramped with seven people all trying to help prepare what seems to be a Zemnian feast. Yasha and Beau are making dumplings under Caleb’s instructions, Fjord is grating the red cabbage and apples into a pot together and Mollymauk is staring at the roast that’s been in the oven for a good twenty minutes now.

Jester and Nott are flitting back and forth between the different foods and Jester is chattering so excitedly that it’s ringing in Beau’s ears.

“Jes, maybe you an’ Nott should go outside o’ the kitchen for a bit”, Fjord says eventually. “We’re fine here.”

“But-”

“You should show Kiri to Nott… or something”, Beau suggests because she knows that Jester loves showing off her talking bird and Nott seems like she might me interested too.

“Oh, yes!” Jester claps excitedly. “Come on Nott!”

She pulls Nott out of the room and Fjord is quick to kick the kitchen door shut behind them, letting out a deep sigh.

“C’mon sailor boy, don’t act like you hate it”, Molly teases him, adjusting the oven temperature. Fjord must’ve told him about his time with the navy and Beau is almost surprised. He doesn’t usually open up that quickly. She’s pretty sure he hasn’t told anyone except Jester and her that he’s asexual.

“It’s just the noise”, Fjord mutters. “And she wasn’t really helping much.”

“Fjord always kicks us out when he’s cooking”, Beau adds with a grin, dropping another dumpling onto the pile of dumplings they’ve already formed.

“Y’all fuckin’ nosy an’ don’t help me with anythin’.”

“Hey, I’m a great help! Look, I’m helping right now!”

“You’re making dumplings out of pre-prepared dough”, Molly say, his usual teasing lilt to his voice.

Beau snorts. “And you’re doing nothing, waiting for the roast to be done. Go play with Jester and Nott.”

There’s a deep, long sigh from Caleb and everyone turns to look at him. He’s finishing the dumpling he’s making and leans on the kitchen counter, his head hanging down.

“Y’alrigh’ there, Caleb?”, Fjord asks.

“ _Ja_ \- yes.” He turns around, not really making eye contact. “You all seem to be good friends...”

“Don’t let that intimidate y’”, Fjord assures him. “Jester an’ Beau an’ I’ve been living together since the start o’ last semester. An’ Molly’s been ‘round a lot too.

“You do this every weekend? Dinner?”

“Well, we’ve been doing it for the past few weeks”, Molly says, leaning against the kitchen sink. “It kinda just happened.”

“Jester invited us”, Yasha adds with a smile. “She is very nice.”

There’s the sting. Beau closes her eyes for a moment, trying not to let it get to her. Jester’s always more popular with people, that’s just the way it is. She can’t help it, she’s cute, bubbly and outspoken. Beau likes it too and she has to agree with Yasha that yes, Jester is very nice.

But she also wishes that Yasha would talk about her that way and smile when thinking about her. Of course Beau isn’t nice. She’s never been and she never will be. She falls more into the sarcastic bitch category.

“Yes, I suppose”, Caleb says, sounding a bit unsure.

“You’ll find your place, don’t worry”, Molly says. “Now how do we cook those dumplings?”

  


The dinner is delicious. They are a bit squished around the dinner table, which is technically only meant for four people, but somehow they manage. And it’s fun too, Caleb is slowly coming out of his shell, Jester is flirting shamelessly with Fjord to everyone’s amusement and they all seem to get along. Beau even holds back her snarky comments towards Molly in favour of the hospitality.

“We should do this every week!”, Jester declares and Nott, who has probably had at least two glasses of red wine, cheers.

“We already DO this every week, Jester”, Molly corrects her with a grin.

“No but like with Caleb and Nott, you know?” Jester turns to Nott. “You should come by every week. We’re gonna be the BESTEST of friends!”

Beau doesn’t think she’s ever seen a person blush as profusely as Nott in this moment. To be fair, Jester’s sole attention and adoration is a lot for someone who isn’t used to this yet.

“You too, Caleb”, Jester adds, more as an afterthought. “Even though you should definitely update your wardrobe, you know? You look like a homeless person.”

“Now, Jester, that’s not very nice-”, Fjord chides her. “Caleb can wear whatever he wants.”

“I’m just saying-”, Jester continues. “No guy is gonna pick you up if you dress like a hobo. Maybe Molly should take you shopping.”

Caleb, who has been staring blankly at Jester as if trying to figure out if she’s messing with him, shoots a panicked look at Molly, who grins back at him excitedly. “No- no thank you. I like this sweater.”

“If we promise to not nag you about your clothes any more, will you promise to come back for dinner next week?”, Molly asks. “You don’t even have to cook, you just show up and there’s gonna be food.”

If Beau didn’t know any better she’d say there’s a flirty undertone, but Molly flirts with pretty much everyone, that’s just how he is. He’s made Fjord blush way too many times and Beau had to double check with Jester to see if there wasn’t something going on between her and Molly when she’d first met him.

“Okay”, Caleb says. “I will think about it.”

Jester looks back at Nott. “What about you, Nott?”

“If Caleb’s coming...” The girl seems a bit overwhelmed with all the attention on her. “Sure.”

“Ohhh, wonderful!”, Jester squeals and claps excitedly. “I have so many ideas- I never had this many friends before you know? We could do other things too, like movie nights and going out together and...”

Fjord and Beau share a look over the table. This is very much like Jester, who’s grown up sheltered and with a private tutor instead of going to school due to her mother’s celebrity status. Unlike Beau, who doesn’t really need many friends, Jester is a social butterfly who flourishes under attention of others. She loves gathering people around herself, people to call her friends.

She does it so effortless despite often being a bit naive and missing social cues- kind of like Beau but in a different way. Beau _knows_ that she’s just straight up rude most of the time while Jester is… nice, even if she might be embarrassing someone without intention.

  


“...or we could go to the bath house, Beau goes there to swim sometimes which is fine I guess but did you know they have a spa and hot springs and a sauna?”

Beauregard just raises her eyebrow at Jester but Molly’s already chiming in.

“Ohhh, I haven’t had a good massage in ages!”

“They do have student specials”, Beau points out. “And their pools aren’t too bad either.”

“Ugh, Beau, we’ll go to relax, not train or whatever you do...” Jester rolls her eyes.

“I don’t-” Nott almost freezes up as all eyes shift to her again. “I don’t really like bath houses. Sorry...”

“What?” Jester looks surprised now. “Why not?”

“I- I just don’t...” Nott glances over at Caleb who nods at her reassuringly. “Promise you won’t tell anyone.” She’s shaking visibly now.

“Of course!”, Jester rushes to assure her. “Pinky promise.”

She holds her pinky out to Nott and Nott links her trembling pinky with Jester’s.

“What is it?”, Beau asks a bit impatiently, immediately wincing at the harshness of her own voice. She’s not good at the being gentle thing.

Nott takes a deep breath and then looks around the table before focusing back on her plate.

“I’m trans.”

“Oh”, is the reaction from several people.

It’s not the kind of secret Beau was expecting. But it clicks with her instantly, her first impressions of Nott coming to mind, about how something was maybe a bit off. The croaky voice, the hiding her body in baggy clothes, it all suddenly makes sense. It just baffles her why she wouldn’t feel safe to come out in a space like this, when there are several trans people in the Queer Society that are widely loved and accepted.

“It’s alright, we’re all a bit weird here”, Molly says. “I mean, I’m trans too...”

“I’m asexual, jus’ like you are”, Fjord reveals. “I don’t tell a lot of people. I mean… it doesn’t matter most o’ the time, right? But these people here, you can trust them t’ keep a secret alright.”

Nott’s eyes go big and for a moment Beau thinks that the waterworks are about to start but then Nott just blinks, sniffs and nods. “Okay. I- Okay.”

“Here.” Jester hands her one of her super fancy embroidered handkerchiefs.

Everybody’s watching Nott curiously, unsure what to do.

Beau spots Caleb reach over and take Nott’s hand. It takes her back to that first meeting of the Queer Society where it had been the other way around, Nott holding Caleb’s hand. She’s ruined his moment then. She tries not to do it again for Nott.

Nott wipes her eyes and smiles shyly at them. “Thank you.”

“Oh Nott, you’re WELCOME”, Jester blurts out. “Can I hug you?”

“Yeah, okay- oomph!” It’s a typical full-body Jester hug that nearly knocks them both off their chairs. When Jester finally lets Nott go, Nott is blushing even harder. “Thanks.”

“And if you ever need someone to talk to...”, Molly says. “I’m here. Even if my situation is a bit different. But you know.” He shrugs. “Similar process.”

“We’re all here”, Fjord says. “And we’ll keep this in the group, if you wish. No talkin’ ’bout it a’ the Queer Society or anythin’.”

“I didn’t- I really don’t know-” Nott sighs. “It’s just, I already got cut off by my family. I don’t wanna lose this too...”

 _Well shit._ Getting shipped off to boarding school, keeping contact to a minimum and wanting financial independence is one thing. Getting cut off is just brutal.

“Oh Shit, Nott, do you need help?”, Jester asks, her voice slightly panicked.

“I’m- I get full financial aid from the government and I work part-time”; Nott explains. “But I had some shit luck with doctors in Zadash so far and- I never got any help back home either. The only thing I have is- I trained my voice.”

“You haven’t started medically transitioning yet?”, Beau guesses.

Nott nods, lowering her head in shame.

“I can help you with that”, Molly says. “Or- shit do we have any trans-women in the group?”

“Keg”, Beau offers.

“I like Keg.” There’s a hopeful look in Nott’s eyes and she turns to Molly. “But I don’t know about the money-”

“Fuck, have you never had anyone to talk to you about this?” Molly sounds almost flabbergasted.

Nott shakes her head. “Just the internet.”

“You’re from the Empire, right?”

“Felderwin.”

“Sure, okay. So you got statutory health insurance, right?”

“Yes but...”

“They cover it”, Molly says. “You might have to jump a few hurdles but they will cover it. They don’t publicly say it but I swear to you, they do.”

“Really?”

Now there’s the waterworks Beau was expecting moments ago.

Nott starts sobbing and Caleb quickly scoops her up into his arms and Jester is frowning and fussing. Beau looks over at Fjord, unsure what to do, then glances at Yasha who just looks confused and Molly who’s got his head in his hands.

“I’m okay, I’m okay”, Nott hiccups. “It’s fine.”

Caleb lets her go and she sits back up, wiping her face with the back of her hand.

“Use the handkerchief”, Jester stage-whispers.

“But I don’t wanna ruin it!”

“It’s fine, we have a washing machine.”

And somehow, that does it. Caleb starts chuckling and then Fjord joins in and in a split second they’re all laughing over something that wasn’t even meant as a joke, something so mundane yet in the moment it’s the comic relief they all need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, another chapter! I already can't guarantee to post as punctual next week because Saturday next week is moving day! Chapter might be coming a day early or late, depending on how editing goes... Other than that, thank you so much to everyone who's subscribed and left comments or kudos. Comments feed the writer. ;)
> 
> If you like this fic and you want to spread the love on Tumblr, I made a post to promote it [HERE](http://wibbelkind.tumblr.com/post/177629117617/wibbelkind-the-taryon-darrington-queer-society)!


	6. cause it's a long road to wisdom [Yasha]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Beau and Yasha spontaneously invite Caleb (and Nott) to the weekly Saturday Night Dinner. Jester has a meltdown about the state of the Queer Society, which leads to them finally forming a committee. The group has a Zemnian dinner on Saturday night and Nott comes out as trans. Everyone is very supportive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content warning:** Transphobia (more spoilery details in the end notes)
> 
> Surprise update! I am super stressed and it's only gonna get worse tomorrow and the day after because it's moving time and I haven't packed all my things yet and my perfectionism isn't helping with that so I just had a mental breakdown. BUT I did have this chapter finished and [Ray aka Scarecrowlover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarecrowlover/pseuds/Scarecrowlover) was a dear and checked the last draft this morning so I am posting it now instead of tomorrow (because I'll have helpers/visitors around then) or the day after (because I move that day) or even Sunday (because Idk what is going on then but I'll probably be dead tired).

After that fateful Saturday dinner party, Caleb and Nott become a regular addition to their circle. Nott especially becomes much more open and talkative now that her secret is out, although she seems to prefer some people of the group (like Jester and Molly) over others. Yasha just assumes that it’s her otherness, her being Xhorhasian, that keeps Nott from interacting with her.

She’s gotten used to it, the cautiousness with which people approach her. The fact that Jester, Beau and Fjord have so openly welcomed her into their group has been a bit surprising. She doesn’t mind not having many friends, but it’s a nice feeling to have at least a few more now.

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

It’s mid-Tunsheer and Molly has texted her that they’re at the club house preparing things for pride month which is in Unndilar, so she decides to drop by before her shift at the restaurant. Things have been going great for the Queer Society, they have gained a constant influx of new members over the past month and the establishment of a new committee has brought some sense of organisation into the group.

Yasha can already hear the voices, some familiar and some new, as she trudges up the steep stairs of the building.

“Yashaaaa!” Jester jumps up as soon as she sees her and Yasha willingly accepts her hug.

“Look, we’re making t-shirts and bracelets and flower crowns for the parade next month!” She gestures at the three tables they have pushed together, showcasing an array of glitter shakers, textile markers and glue guns.

Yasha doesn’t recognise everyone but she gives a small wave in greeting to the group and then drifts over to the couch where Molly is lounging with a laptop on their stomach, a flower crown on their head and their familiar silver bracelet glinting in the mid-day sun. They’re twirling a purple strand of hair around their finger which usually means that they’re stressed out.

“Oh hey”, they say, looking up when Yasha drops down onto the sofa next to them.

“Hey.” She glances at their laptop. It just looks like emails. “’Sup?”

“’Sup?”, Molly mockingly repeats. “You start sounding just like Beau.”

“What? No.” Yasha glances over at the table to see if she’d missed her somehow but Beau isn’t here. Of the people the sees, she only recognises Jester, Calianna and- to her surprise- Nott.

She turns back to Molly. “What are you doing?”

“Arguing with the organisers”, they say. “They don’t want us handing out candy during the parade because of health and safety reasons. It’s ridiculous.”

“Hmm”, Yasha hums in reply.

“Are you gonna come?”

“Where?”

“To the parade?”

“To see you?”

“No, silly, to walk with us.” Molly grins and nudges her. “To scare off the evil homophobes.”

“Molly, I-”

“No, don’t give me that ‘ _I’m straight, I don’t belong there_ ’ bullshit.”, they interrupt her. “You’re here constantly, you belong with the group, you’re an amazing ally-”

“I was gonna say I have to see if I can get the day off work”, she says. Molly stares at her in disbelief.

“You just played me”, they mutter. Yasha can’t help the smug grin sneaking onto her face. “I can’t BELIEVE you!”

The people at the crafting table are looking over at them now but Molly just laughs and pulls her into a sideways hug.

“So you will come”, they say. “We need to get you an outfit.”

“What?”

Molly has a lot of ideas for pride day outfits. Yasha tries to argue but eventually just settles on one thing. One top, doesn’t matter what’s on it, as long as it’s black.

They clap excitedly and opens a new tab on their internet browser. “I’m gonna get you the best pride shirt there is.”

“I don’t believe that’s possible”, Yasha says. “I know a few people here who are very invested in their pride parade outfits.”

“That is true, Jester and I actually-”

“Yasha?”

They both look up from their conversation. Nott is standing in front of her, typical oversized hoodie, hands behind her back and looking kind of anxious.

“Oh, hi”, Yasha says, slightly confused. Nott has never directly talked to her before, at least not that she can remember. “Nott. Hi. How are you?”

“I’m good”, Nott replies, eyes flitting back and forth between Molly and Yasha. “I made you this.”

She pulls her hands from behind her back and presents a flower crown with a bunch of different artificial flowers in blues and whites and purples.

It’s absolutely not what Yasha expected.

It’s kind of endearing.

“Oh, okay”, is all she can say at first. “Thank you?”

“You’re welcome!” Nott holds out the flower crown to her and Yasha carefully takes it, inspects it for a moment and then gently puts it on her head. It fits perfectly. Nott just smiles and nods and then turns around and shuffles back over to the craft table.

Yasha immediately turns to Molly, eyes wide, lowering her voice. “What just happened?”

They cackle. “I guess the girls in this group just all have a thing for you.”

“What? Who? Why?” She glances at the wall clock hanging over the door. “Shit, I need to go. We will talk about this later.” Yasha grabs her bag and gets up.

“Oh we will!”, Molly calls after her, still laughing.

She just waves him off, nods to the crafting group and steps out of the room, almost walking straight into Beauregard.

“Whoa, hey!” Beau catches herself on Yasha’s arms, startled by their almost-crash.

“Hi”, Yasha says. Beau is still grabbing onto her biceps and staring at her. Yasha looks from Beau to her hand on her biceps and then back to her, unsure what to do in this situation.

“Uhhhhm...” Beau clears her throat and removes her hand. “Nice flower crown.”

“Thank you.” Yasha doesn’t know why she’s suddenly blushing. “Nott gave it to me.”

“Oh-kay?”

“I have to go”, Yasha explains. “I have work.”

“Yeah, of course.” Beau moves to the side, letting her pass. When Yasha’s almost down the stairs she can hear her call after her. “Hey, Yasha?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you on delivery today?”

Yasha stops at the foot of the stairs, turning around to see Beau still standing in front of the Queer Society’s entry. “No? Why?”

“Just checking, never mind. See ya!”

“Yeah”, Yasha mutters. “See ya.”

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

She spends most of her work hours in the kitchen, making pelmeni while listening to the classic radio station that the owner likes so much. He’s over eighty and even though he owns the place, it’s actually his children who run it. Everyone lovingly calls him grandfather (even the non-related staff) and he just sits on a chair in the kitchen all day, peeling potatoes and humming along to the radio.

Sometimes he tells stories of his youth in Xhorhas, on how they fled the famine to come to the Empire. He talks about the Xhorhasian marshlands with a love that Yasha never developed. He strings tales about hunting ducks and stealing bird eggs from nests. He never asks Yasha about Xhorhas, about what happened to it, what it looks like now.

And the truth is, Yasha doesn’t really want to recall it either.

She rolls out another sheet of pelmeni dough and uses an empty pickle jar to cut out circles from the dough. Her thoughts drift elsewhere.

Back to Molly saying that the girls in the group all have a thing for her.

Yasha isn’t stupid, she knows what they mean by that. She just… doesn’t see it? Jester is excitable and friendly. Beau is awkward in a way that is relatable for Yasha. Nott is just… shy? And besides, Yasha doesn’t even like girls that way.

_But do you like boys that way?_

She starts placing the filling onto the dough and then folding the edges together and press them closed. In all honesty sometimes she thinks she hasn’t really had the time to consider all these things that her friends are so sure about. Who you like, how you identify… Yasha’s biggest concern in life for most of her childhood has been to home before the government-issued curfew, make sure her siblings get enough food and keep low when the rebels take over the neighbourhood.

“Yashenka?”

Yasha flinches at the nickname, dropping the pelmeni she’s holding.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry”, she mutters, quickly cleaning up the now soiled food.

“It’s okay”, grandfather assures her. “Where’s your head today, child? Back in Xhorhas?”

“No, I’m- I’m right here”, Yasha replies, continuing with the pelmeni. “Are the pirozhki done yet?”

“Five more minutes.”

“Okay, good.”

She tries not to get distracted again and it works well for most of the night, her thoughts only on occasion drifting to what her friends might be up top and a strange feeling of missing _something_ settling in her stomach.

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

She returns home shortly before midnight. There’s still light coming from under Molly’s door but Yasha tries not to be too loud when she walks by into her room, putting her bag down next to her bed and pulling out the slightly crushed flower crown. She rights it as best as she can and then puts it down on her bedside table.

Her hand hovers over the handle of the top drawer, then pulls away. No. She’s already feeling bad enough, she’s not going to make this worse.

Instead she grabs her sleepwear and heads off into the bathroom to take a shower. She methodically takes out her braids, her collection of wooden and metal hair beads, chains and leather string, collecting them in a small bowl next to the sink. Grabs a comb and runs it through her hair until all the knots are untangled before jumping under the shower. Washing her hair always is a procedure and she only does it every once in a while since she discovered the magic of dry shampoo.

Molly is waiting in the kitchen when she comes out of the bath.

“I made tea”, they say. “Chamomile and lemon balm.”

_Sleep tea._

“Thanks.” Yasha takes the cup she is offered.

“Come on, sit down.” Molly ushers her onto one of the chairs. “I’ll do your hair.”

Yasha drinks and Mollymauk combs their fingers through her hair before eventually dividing it into two parts and starting to braid.

“How was work?”, they ask.

“Okay”, Yasha replies quietly. “Lot’s of pelmeni. People really love that stuff.”

“No wonder, it’s delicious.”

“Grandfather talked about the marsh birds again...”

“Do you miss it?”

“The marsh?” Yasha huffs. “No. never. It’s way more beautiful here. Outside the city, at least.”

“I mean your home. Your family.”

“I-” She sighs.

“It’s okay.” Molly’s fingers are running through her hair. They have finished off the first braid, working on the second.

“I wish things were different sometimes”, Yasha finally says. “No war. No- no fucking Dynasty. I wish people didn’t treat Xhorhas like some kind of other world where everything is still in the stone ages. I wish- I wish my family were here. Safe.”

She quickly wipes a tear from her face.

“I’m sorry, Yash.” Molly is leaning closer, wrapping their arms around her from behind and pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. “I wish things were different too. Maybe one day.”

“One day.”

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

It’s one of the first warm days of spring when Yasha shows up for the usual Saturday Dinner at the flat. Jester lets her in and she finds Caleb pouring over a book in the living room and Nott helping Fjord cook in the kitchen.

“Hey”, she calls, hanging her jacket on the coat rack before peering around the corner into the kitchen. “How’s it going?”

“We’re making pizza!”, Nott announces. Fjord just gives her a thumbs up from where he’s grating cheese.

“I- uhm- I brought these...” Yasha pulls a jar of pickles out of her bag and gets it immediately snatched out of her hands by Jester.

“PICKLEEEEES!”

“Jester, inside voice”, Fjord says but there’s a fond smile on his face that Yasha has long categorised as reserved for Jester.

Jester just hugs the pickle jar to her chest and beams at Yasha. “Thank you thank you thank you, you’re the best!”

Yasha smiles and puts her bag down next to the pile of shoes and bags that’s already in the hallway. She’s slowly gotten used to Jester’s overenthusiasm and learned to take a compliment.

“Where’s Molly?”, she asks instead.

Her best friend, who’s been switching back and forth in his pronouns this week, should have gotten here before her but he’s not around as far as she can see.

“Balcony”, Fjord replies with a sigh. “Beau and him- well, you’ll see.”

“Oh-kay...”

“Don’t worry, Yashaaaa”, Jester sing-songs. “They’re just getting hiiiigh.”

“High and hungry”, Fjord grumbles. “They’re gonna eat all the pizza.”

“Well, then you should make more.”

Yasha lets them be and steps into the living room past Caleb, sliding open the door to the balcony. Molly must be stressed and if his constant fluid change between gender identities this week isn’t an indicator, the fact that he’s on the balcony smoking weed with Beauregard definitely is. A waft of familiar smell hits Yasha and she steps out, quickly getting the door closed behind her.

The flat’s balcony looks out onto the backyard and is surrounded by a privacy screen on the left and right. Beau and Molly are lounging on the floor on pillows that most definitely need a wash soon, Beau leaning against the building wall and Molly slumped against the balcony railing.

“Ayyyy, Yashaaaaa!”, her best friend cheers as he sees her. “Come join us!”

Molly is a casual smoker, only spending his hard-earned money on weed on occasion. She even knows where he gets it and that it’s been a while. Molly never changes much when he smokes. It just makes him softer, more relaxed, not as manic as he sometimes can be.

Beau on the other hand- Beau is just sitting there, staring at Yasha, unnaturally quiet. It’s kind of disconcerting.

“Is she okay?”, Yasha asks Molly, carefully arranging her limbs so she can sit down on the balcony floor with them. He just shrugs, taking another drag from the joint that him and Beau seem to have been sharing.

“Hey, Beau?”, she says. Beau blinks at her. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeaaaah”, Beau sighs, smiling. “You’re heeeere.”

“Yes. I’m here.”

“But sometimes you’re not here”, Beau says, frowning. “Molly is always here but you’re NEVER here.”

“She’s taking this so well”, Molly comments and promptly starts cackling. Beau frowns at him. “I love you, Beau, but you’re a mess.”

“I knooooow!”, Beau whines and turns back to Yasha. “Why are you not gay?”

“Huh?”

“You’re so pretty.” Beau is reaching out, taking one of Yasha’s braids into her hand, giggling. “Your hair is so soft. You should be gay.”

“Sure”, Yasha says and she can’t help the smile. High Beau is kind of funny.

She glances over at Molly who’s just leaning back, his eyes closed, exhaling a sliver of smoke. He seems to be doing okay, so she turns back to Beau who’s shifted closer, running her fingers through Yasha’s hair with a fascinated look on her face.

“So soft”, she whispers as if it’s a secret.

Yasha chuckles, just lets her be. She’s happy as long as her friends are happy. And Molly and Beau, who’ve been at each other’s throat for way too long- well… This is certainly a welcome change.

There’s a sudden _fa-thud_ and Beau is laying in her lap staring up at her. Yasha blinks down at her confused.

“What are you doing?”, she asks cautiously.

“You’re my pillow now”, Beau says. “Don’t move.”

Yasha snorts but it’s more a defence mechanism than actual amusement. She doesn’t know where to put her hands, now that her lap is occupied.

“Yashaaaaa...”

“Yeah?”

“Is my hair soft too?”

“I don’t know.”

“I can’t touch it, you have to do it.”

“Okay...” Yasha isn’t sure what to do, just looks over helplessly at Molly.

Molly snorts. “Jus’ touch her fucking hair, Yash.”

Yasha very carefully raises her hand and pets Beau’s hair. It’s not easy with the top knot bun, she just slowly brushes over the top of Beau’s head.

“It’s very soft”, she confirms to Beauregard who smiles happily.

“Now try the sides”, Beau whispers. “They feel so good.”

Yasha doesn’t question her any more. This feels wildly inappropriate but Beau is so _happy_ and Yasha thinks of what Molly once told her. It’s not awkward unless you make it awkward.

She brushes her fingers over the shaved sides of Beau’s head, the stubbly hair that grows there. She doesn’t know what she was expecting but despite it being clipped short, it’s still weirdly soft. She brushes into the other direction and it’s very prickly.

Beau giggles. “It’s fun hair.”

“Yeah”, Yasha agrees with a smile. “It’s fun hair.”

She’s lost track of time and she’s not even the one smoking. To be perfectly accurate, the joint is long gone, mostly smoked up by Molly in the end because Beau is still lying in Yasha’s lap, imitating the purr of a cat whenever Yasha pets her hair and giggling when she touches the shaved sides.

“Y’all fuckin’ ridiculous”, Fjord says when he slides the balcony door open to get them for dinner and finds them like that. “Dinner’s ready.”

“Sweet!” Molly moves only a little slower than he normally would, picking himself up and brushing past Fjord into the living room.

Beau isn’t getting up.

“Come on, Beau, there’s Pizza”, Yasha nudges her.

“I don’t wanna.”

“You gotta eat something.” Yasha looks back up at Fjord. “Help?”

“Jester’s eating all the prosciutto pizza”, Fjord says deadpan.

“Fuck!” Beau struggles a bit, then rights herself, turns around and starts crawling into the living room. She leaves Yasha and Fjord looking at each other in confusion.

“Let’s just not… talk about it”, Fjord eventually mutters and Yasha nods in agreement.

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

She can’t get the image out of her head. Beau lying in her lap. Beau dopily smiling up at her as she pets her hair. She’s not quite sure how she feels about it and she tells herself it’s just the drugs. She’s probably right about that because when she runs into Beau on campus the next Tuesday, it’s as awkward as ever.

They both suck at small-talk and Yasha still hasn’t figured out what she can talk to Beau about. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you want to make friends, right? Find something of common interest and talk about that. Except Yasha doesn’t talk much, she listens.

And Beau, Beau who’s always loud and opinionated, Beau seems to struggle with finding any conversation topic.

“You comin’ to Queer Society on Thursday?”, she asks after a brief moment of awkward silence.

Yasha shrugs. “I think so.”

“Good, good.”

A brief moment of silence again that makes Yasha increasingly uncomfortable.

“Any luck with dumpster diving lately?”, she asks because that’s one of maybe two things she knows that Beau does in her free time. Martial arts and dumpster diving.

“Eh. Haven’t been going much.”

“Oh. Why?”

“Not much fun alone.”

“I could go with you...”

It’s out before she’s really thought about it.

“We can- you know, do it on Fridays, if that makes sense?”, Yasha adds hastily. “So we have food for dinner on Saturdays.”

“Wait- really?” Beau looks surprised. “I mean- yeah! Totally!”

“Okay, so...”

“Do you have work on Fridays?” , Beau asks. “Sorry, I feel like a shitty friend, I don’t even know when you work.”

_Oh. Friend._

Beau thinks of her as her friend too. That’s a happy thought bubbling up right there. 

“Mondays and Wednesdays definitely.”, she says. “Sometimes Tuesdays, that’s usually delivery, or Saturdays, that’s when I bring leftovers for dinner.”

“So we should always order Xhorhasian on Tuesday”, Beau replies with a teasing grin.

“If you want the shitty pelmeni that Eren is making, sure”, Yasha retorts. “Mine are way better though.”

“Oh-ho-ho, someone’s got opinions of their cooking skills! Maybe we should do a Xhorhasian dinner next.”

“Maybe.” Yasha smiles. “I still have to teach Jester how to make Blini and Pirozhki.”

“She’s gonna love that.”

Beau’s grin softens into a smile and Yasha can’t look at her for too long because it’ll remind her of Saturday and that still makes her feel weird and conflicted and she hasn’t figured out why yet.

They agree to meet up Friday evening at Beau’s flat because their kitchen is bigger and if they will keep most of the stuff they get for the dinner anyway, they don’t have to carry it any further. Their fist-bump goodbye is maybe the most awkward thing of the whole conversation and as she watches Beau run off to get to her next class, Yasha finds herself wishing that things were a little more like Saturday on occasion.

It’s like there’s two different versions of Beau. There’s Beauregard who’s a mixture of rude and awkward when she talks, who carries herself in a self-assured way and always looks a bit grumpy, ready to pick a fight over anything. And then there’s Beau, who smiles at her, who loves having her hair touched and invades Yasha’s personal space with a carelessness that she would never show otherwise.

Yasha finds that she respects the first version but she likes the second version just a bit better. She feels bad about it because it seems to her like that version only comes out under the influence of drugs and can you really like a person when you only like them in an altered state? Yasha doesn’t know what to do with that, so she just pushes the thoughts away and gets on with her day.

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

The weather in Tunsheer can be changing constantly. It’s pouring rain when Yasha gets on the tram, the hood of her rain jacket pulled over her head yet she still feels wet everywhere. She doesn’t even bother sitting down, just leans against the ticket machine watching the city outside pass by. She has about a three hour time frame before she has to be at work and she’s got a paper that she should get started on, so she’s going home.

There’s not as many people on the tram this time of the day, the low just before rush hour. Yasha’s eyes wander down the tram car where a couple of teenagers are being obnoxiously loud. She sighs, digging for her headphones in her jacket.

“-that’s not a girl!”

Yasha freezes.

“Yo, you a tranny or what?”

It’s a familiar tone.

_You’re from Xhorhas? Get outta here, Crick! You don’t belong here!_

“I’m a lady!”, responds a familiar raspy voice.

Yasha is up in an instant, striding down the tram car towards the teenagers. It’s out of pure restraint and Molly’s warnings ringing in the back of her mind that she doesn’t immediately punch them. She’s still a refugee, she knows better.

“Excuse me, is there a problem?”, she says, stepping up right behind the boys and cracking her knuckles, just for effect. She easily towers over them and when they turn around they are faced with a dripping wet black rain jacket.

For a moment she thinks she might actually have to fight them, she’s been in these situations before. People aren’t as easily intimidated by her size and angry stare any more.

“No-”, one of the guys responds, backing away from her. “What’s your problem?”

She can hear his confidence wavering.

“Oh, I have no problem”, she says, raising her eyebrows. “Except that you’re in my way.”

And she pushes in between the group to sit down next to Nott.

“Hey Nott”, she says in her best conversational voice, ignoring the eyes of the three teenagers on them as best as she can. “How are you doing?”

“Oh”, Nott says, eyes big. “Hi Yasha.”

Yasha’s eyes snap back to the teenagers. She doesn’t even need to say anything, they just scowl and shuffle off into another part of the tram.

Nott is shaking next to her.

“You okay?”, Yasha asks quietly. “Need anything?”

_What would Molly do? What- would- Molly- do?_

“You wanna hold my hand?”

She holds it out for Nott, palm up. A moment passes. Then Nott’s thin hand, her fingers like spider legs, slips into hers. Yasha squeezes it.

“It’s okay”, she says, trying to keep up the conversation on her end as best as she can. “I can tell you about my day if you want. I learned about Ancient Marquesian Societies today. Did you know they invented scripture way before people here in Wildemount did? This was way before the Divergence, you know...”

She never talks this much but this is an emergency situation and it doesn’t really matter what she talks about, so she just repeats what she remembers from the lectures she had today until eventually Nott feels comfortable enough to speak.

It takes a while.

“Thank you”, she says in a very quiet voice. “I- I need to get off at the next stop.”

“Okay”, Yasha says. “Do you mind if I come with you?”

She can see the teenagers still hanging around down the tram car. It doesn’t feel quite safe.

“No, it’s- you can do that if you want.” Nott shuffles off her seat and Yasha follows her to the next exit so they can get off.

She’s never experienced anything to this extent with Molly before. But they have talked about it. Molly has passing privilege and only gets weird looks when they wear clothes that people associate with women, like skirts or dresses. Molly can fend for themselves most of the time but Yasha also knows that they like having her around just to feel a bit safer.

Nott on the other hand seems to be an easy target. Small and scrawny and definitely not passing yet, she looks out of place for a lot of people and is an easy target for the ones who don’t mean well.

It makes Yasha furious that in a country that is so much more open to things than Xhorhas, people are still ignorant and hateful towards queer people.

She’s so distracted by her thoughts that she doesn’t even process where they have gotten of the tram until she looks around.

Ah. The Science Campus. Yasha’s never been there before even though it’s fairly close to their flat. In comparison to the Arts and Social Campus, the buildings look sleek and modern, welcoming students with a huge glass facade and white concrete. It’s been a recent addition, as far as Yasha knows.

The whole Academy used to be in one place and then extended as more and more study fields were added. Despite the fact that it’s one of the oldest universities in the Dwendalian Empire, on this campus everything looks brand new.

“I just have to go to the library really quick.”, Nott says.

Yasha follows her along through the rain and now that they’re off the tram, Nott is much more talkative.

“I can show you around campus if you want”, she continues. “I figure, since you don’t actually go to this campus- it’s super cool. See the building over there?” Nott points at a red brick high rise towering over the rest of the building. “That’s where Caleb and I live. Dorm rooms.” She gestures to her left. “This is the Mathematics Faculty and the CompSci Labs. They have the FASTEST internet!”

Yasha just nods and follows. Down the stairs between two building and crossing a plaza, stopping in front of a big cubic building.

“The Science Campus library”, Nott explains. “We’re just gonna say hi to Caleb really quick.”

“Okay.”

They step inside and are immediately greeted by a wave of warm air. Nott shows her where to hang her wet jacket and they drop their bags into lockers before actually entering the interior of the library.

They step into what seems like an inner courtyard that is brightly lit. There’s lounge areas and tables where people are working or talking quietly and in the middle of it all is a help desk, indicated by a glowing green question mark above it.

Nott walks straight up to the help desk, barely leaning over the counter.

“Hi Caleb!”

Ah. Caleb _works_ in the library.

He’s sitting at a computer, staring at the screen and holding a book in his free hand, his face a deep frown. He looks up when Nott greets him, his smile a bit tired, and then his expression turns immediately to surprised when he spots Yasha.

“Hello Nott, Yasha...”, he says, putting the book down. “What are you doing here?”

“Yasha saved me”, Nott declares. “Some people on the tram weren’t nice-”

“What- What happened?”

“Oh, you know… One of them called me a-” Nott gestures at herself and pulls a face.

“Ah, _ja_ , I get it. I’m sorry.” Caleb sighs. “Did they do anything?”

“No, Yasha came over and sat down with me and they left.” Nott looks up at Yasha and beams and it makes Yasha feel very warm inside.

Caleb turns to her as well. “Thank you.”

“It was no problem”, Yasha assures him. “I wish I’d seen Nott sooner, maybe it wouldn’t have even happened then.”

Caleb looks at her curiously.

“Not many people from the Empire would do that- _äh..._ ”, he says. “People are cowards- like me. Or they turn away so they don’t have to see it. Which is cowardly too, you know? You are a- a very brave person, standing up for my friend.” He reaches a hand over the counter to shake hers. “This means we are friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content warning:** Transphobia, from a couple of teenagers on the tram, aimed towards Nott, use of the t-word.
> 
> The original chapter title should've been from "She's So High" by Tal Bachman. Because- you know- Beau is high. But I didn't do that. Sorry.


	7. I'm just curious - is it serious? [Beau]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Yasha slowly finds her place in the group and starts questioning whether she likes girls or boys. Molly and Beau get high on the flatshare's balcony and Beau is a very affectionate stoner. Yasha runs into Nott on the tram and protects he from some transphobes. They meet Caleb at the Science Library afterwards and he declares them friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back! But also not quite on regular schedule. I moved, like two weeks ago, and I've since been busy with organising a whole lot of stuff that comes with moving into a new city and starting a new job in one week. It's been hectic and last week I didn't really get around writing much, so I had to postpone this chapter. Then this week came around and on Wednesday our Internet provider cut off our WiFi because our contract had run out without my flatmate realising it. So now I'm sitting in a lovely café using their free WiFi to get some work done and post this slightly earlier than I originally planned. (Normal updating time should be Saturday night in my time zone which is Central European or something...)
> 
> Without further ado, here's Chapter No. 7 for you! Let's hope the WiFi is back next week for a regularly scheduled update.

Smoking weed with Mollymauk on their tiny balcony might’ve been both the best and worst decision she’s made at the time. She has had a few drags before but never enough to actually get properly stoned. (And never any of the really good stuff either- her classmates always mixed weed and tobacco, it was crappy.)

Molly- Molly is a good friend. She doesn’t want to face this fact when he cuts her off shortly after her high kicks in but looking back at it later, it was probably a smart decision. She doesn’t really remember much of their conversation except that they talk about their childhoods and Beau tells Molly that she should’ve been a boy and he ask why she wasn’t and her (at the time logical) response is: “Because I fucking love girls so much!”

She’s in a state off happy bliss when Yasha shows up and for a moment she just has this vision that Yasha is an angel come down from heaven to save her. Beau doesn’t even believe in gods. But Yasha looks so good with the evening sun casting her in a golden light, and her hair is so soft and- _shit_.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

Beau groans and presses the heels of her hands to her eyes. It’s fucking embarrassing but her brain keeps playing the same scene over and over. Lying in Yasha’s lap, Yasha running her fingers over her undercut, telling her she has fun hair and smiling that amused little smile.

“Are you thinking about Yasha again?”, Jester grumbles into the pillow next to her.

“Sorry.” Beau rolls over onto her side, throwing an arm over Jester and presses a kiss to her shoulder. “This is...”

“Complicated?”, Jester helps out. “Maybe you should just stop being such a baby and tell her.”

Beau huffs and lets go of Jester to fully roll onto her stomach and prop herself up on her arms.

“I feel like I’m cheating on you”, she confesses. “And I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Because you have romantic feelings for Yasha?”, Jester snorts. “That’s not cheating. You’re can’t cheat on me if we’re not together.”

“Aren’t we though?”, Beau prods.

This has been on her mind for a few weeks now. Their undefined casual whatever-this-is. And what it means for her and her stupid crush on Yasha. Which is not even ANYTHING. They barely talk, they see each other a few times a week at group hangouts, Beau pines from a distance. That’s all it is right now.

Jester on the other hand…

“I mean, we’re not stupid in love”, Beau say, dropping her head onto her crossed arms. “But I care about you because you’re my best friend. That’s some pretty deep shit.”

“Awww, Beau!” Jester rolls around, smiling at her. “You’re getting soft.”

“Shut up”, Beau mutters.

Jester reaches over and cards her fingers through Beau’s long and messy hair. “What do you want, Beau?”, she asks. “A relationship? Holding hands and going on dates?”

“Ugh, no.”

“But you want that with Yasha”, Jester says.

“Maybe?” Beau huffs, sliding one of her legs between Jester’s. “I’m just saying, this is not just about sex, you and me. You make me talk about my shit. I help you with your problems.”

“That’s because we’re friends”, Jester points out. “We’re just friends who kiss and have sex on occasion.”

“I know, that’s what we always say. But sometimes...” Beau sighs. “Sometimes I think I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Jester stops with her brushing, her hand lingering on Beau’s shoulder, looking at her curiously.

“You think I’m gonna fall in love with you?”, she says and Beau, who knows her best friend and flatmate so well, can hear the insecurity in her voice.

“Or me with you”, Beauregard points out. “I don’t know.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Who knows. But that shit’s scary.”

“Falling in love?”, Jester asks laughing. “Oh Beau...”

Beau pouts which works well if you’re already resting your chin on your crossed arms. “Well, for me it is.”

“I think it’s the most beauuuuutiful thing after friendship”, Jester declares, rolling onto her back and stretching her arms into the air. “I LOVE being in love. It makes me feel all bubbly inside and happy all the time.”

“Sounds like drinking soda and getting high”, Beau mutters. Jester shoots her a glare.

“Don’t be such a party-pooper”, she reprimands her. “And don’t act like being in love with Yasha is such a bad thing. You don’t have to be all badass all the time.”

“What?”

“You put up your walls for people all the time”, Jester says, sitting up. “You act all though but you’re actually soft on the inside.”

“That’s-” Beau sighs, reaching over and grabbing a hair tie from her bedside table.

The thing is, Jester is right. Beau protects herself from the outside world but she really doesn’t want to get into why. That’s too many deep psychological problems to unpack when you’re half-naked in bed with your best friend.

She sits up on her heels and puts her tangled hair back up into a top knot. Jester is giving her a curious look but she ignores it, reaching for her shirt instead.

“Are you kicking me out?”, Jester asks.

Beau glances over at her in confusion. “No. I just have to go pee. Don’t wanna give Fjord the full view if he’s still up.”

“Oh, okay.” Jester pulls the duvet up to her chest and plops back down into her pillow. Something about it doesn’t seem quite right but Beau also doesn’t want to talk about her feelings anymore so she does what she usually does and runs. Even if it’s just to the bathroom.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

She doesn’t realise that something’s definitely off until she comes home from uni on Tuesday night with a box of fresh doughnuts, feeling elated about the fact that her and Yasha are actually going to hang out on Friday. Even if it’s just dumpster diving.

Jester and Fjord are in the kitchen and to her surprise, Jester is actually helping with preparing dinner, cutting sweet potato into chunks. Fjord is cutting onions and he’s not even crying, which Beau thinks is witchcraft.

“Hey”, she says since there’s no reaction from them to the front door closing. “I’m home.”

“Hi Beau”, Fjord says, looking over at her where she’s leaning in the doorway.

Jester remains silent, intently focused on the sweet potato.

“I brought doughnuts”, Beau offers. “Fresh ones, not from the dumpster.”

Jester drops the cutting knife onto the kitchen counter.

“I gotta feed Kiri”, she says and brushes past Beau, down the hallway and slamming her bedroom door behind her.

Beau looks after her in confusion, then back to Fjord whose eyebrows are raised.

“What did you do?”, he asks.

“What did _I_ do?”, Beau repeats, irritated, dropping the box of doughnuts onto the kitchen table. “Why is everything always _my_ fault?”

“I don’t know”, Fjord replies and he definitely sounds angry now. He never gets super loud but when Fjord raises his voice, something is definitely wrong. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on with you two behind closed doors and honestly I don’t think I want to know but whatever is wrong you gotta fix it. You fucked this up, Beau.”

Her first instinct is to protest but if Jester is giving her the cold shoulder, something is definitely wrong.

 

She huffs, drops her bag in the hallway and walks over to Jester’s room, knocking on the door.

No answer.

She knocks again. “Jester? It’s me. Can we talk?”

There’s the distinct sound of Kiri crowing and mimicking something that sounds like gibberish through the door. A moment later the door opens and Jester is glaring at her. Beau immediately spots the unshed tears in her eyes.

She’s fucked up indeed.

“Will you tell me what I did wrong?”, she says. “Because I feel like an idiot.”

“You _are_ an idiot”, Jester replies but she lets Beau into her room and then settles down on her bed, pulling her giant hamster-unicorn stuffed toy close and hugging it to her chest.

Beau is left standing in the middle of the room, unsure where to sit. She pulls out Jester’s desk chair eventually and takes a seat across from Jester.

With a croak, Kiri jumps down from her favourite perch on Jester’s bookcase and settles on Beau’s head.

“What’s wrong?”, she asks in Jester’s voice.

Beau sighs, then gestures to the bird on her head. “The bird’s right. What’s wrong?”

Jester just huffs and buries her face in her stuffed toy. Beau doesn’t know what to do, so she begins guessing.

“You’re mad because I… didn’t do the dishes.”

 _No_.

“You’re mad because I didn’t wanna watch that documentary about the Royal Family of Whitestone with you on Sunday.”

“For someone who’s so smart, you’re really dumb, you know?”

“You’re really dumb”, Kiri repeats.

“Thanks, Kiri”, Beau mutters.

“I just wanted to talk with you on Sunday”, Jester say. “And you shut down and walked away instead.”

“Oh”, Beau says.

“Fuck”, Kiri says.

“You always shut down when it gets personal”, Jester continues. “You say I’m your best friend but you don’t even trust me enough to tell me what’s going on with you.”

“I tell you stuff!”, Beau protests.

“Then why don’t I even know what your parents do?”, Jester snaps back. “You know about my mum, you know about my childhood, you know about my shitty anxiety and when I have to take my meds-”

“Because my parents are assholes, okay?!”

 

Kiri screeches and flutters off of Beau’s head over to her cage. Jester’s mouth opens and closes before she hides her face in her hamster-unicorn.

Beau sighs and runs a hand over the shaved side of her head. “I’m sorry, Jes”, she says. “I didn’t mean to shout.”

She gets up and sits down next to Jester on the bed, not daring to touch her but wanting to offer some closeness if she wants it.

“You always talk about your mum like she’s your hero”, she continues. “You love your home and you’re proud of where you come from and- I didn’t want to-”

“You think I’m naive”, Jester interrupts her. “You think I don’t know that not everyone grows up as happy as I did.”

“I just don’t want you to feel bad for me. My childhood is kind of shitty.”

“Yeah, I know!” Jester puts her hamster-unicorn to the side, glaring at Beau. “You wanna know how I know? Because Molly asked me about it! Because you got high with Molly and told HIM about it, but not ME!”

There’s clearly tears in her eyes now and Beau’s heart just drops. She didn’t think it would be this bad. She bites down her initial reaction to blame Molly but she’s the one who chose to smoke weed, got high and overshared. That’s her own fault.

“Is that what it takes?”, Jester asks, wiping at her cheeks. “STUPID drugs so you drop your STUPID walls and tell someone who isn’t your STUPID best friend what’s going on?”

“You’re not stupid!”, Beau shouts back. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I- I’m a shitty person, okay? If I have a problem, I ignore it until it goes away or I stuff it far far away in my brain to where I don’t have to think about it any more. I don’t have the guts to go to therapy like you do, okay? It’s better this way, I… I think that if I dug it all up, everything that ever hurt me, I’m just gonna break.”

And that’s the whole point isn’t it? If Beauregard breaks, what’s going to be left?

 

They’re sitting on the bed, next to each other, not really sure what to say any more. Kiri is hopping up and down in her cage, cooing and asking “What’s wrong?” in Jester’s voice but getting no answer.

“I don’t want to fight about this any more”, Jester says. “I’m sorry I pushed you.”

“No, it’s- you were right to feel disappointed”, Beau admits. “I’ve been an asshole. I’m sorry I made you feel like I don’t trust you enough.”

She cautiously wraps an arm around Jester, giving her space to pull away, but she doesn’t, just falls right into her embrace and hides her face in Beau’s neck. Jester needs comfort when she’s distressed. Beau usually just shuts down emotionally and ignores everyone around her.

Eventually, Jester pulls back, wiping her cheeks. “We should be getting back to Fjord”, she says.

“Are you feeling up for that?”, Beau asks in response.

Jester hesitates, then shakes her head. Beau reaches over to the bedside table to grab the tissue box that’s always there.

“In a moment then”, she says, handing Jester the tissues. “Do you want me to-”

She gestures at the door but Jester shakes her head again.

“Okay.”

Beau sits cross-legged on the bed, watching Jester wipe away her tears and blow her nose.

She hates being the cause for Jester’s tears, she still isn’t quite used to seeing her upset. The fact that Jester has ADHD was a no-brainer, from the beginning. Her collection of stim toys is proudly displayed on her bookshelf and she doesn’t hide that she’s taking meds either.

Her anxiety on the other hand took Beau a while to discover. Looking back now, she should’ve seen it earlier. The amount of times Jester would just slip out of bed in the middle of the night to go to her own room when usually she’s a very cuddly person, should’ve tipped her off.

She’s started going to therapy in the beginning of the year and Beau can definitely see the changes. She’s happy for Jester and she’s learned how to be there for her when it gets rough just as much as she’s there for the fun parts.

“I’m ready now”, Jester says, pulling her out of her thoughts.

She’s getting up, throwing the used tissues away and straightening her shirt. Beau just recognises it now, it’s the one with the three human icons, two of them wearing dresses, coloured in pink, purple and blue and underlined by the simple word “multitasking”. It makes Beau grin instantly.

She gets up and follows Jester back into the kitchen.

 

Later when they lie in bed she whispers her secrets to Jester. That her parents wanted a boy but got a girl. A girl that didn’t want to wear dresses, that was running around in their designer garden and ruining all the floral arrangements. A disappointment.

“They didn’t believe me when I came out”, she says quietly, trying to keep her voice level. “They thought I was making it up, that I just wanted attention. So they sent me off to boarding school.”

“I’m so sorry, Beau...”

“Honestly? It was the best thing that could happen to me. It was an all-girl boarding school.”

She grins into the darkness and after a second Jester’s giggles fills the space between them.

“Was it like everyone always says it’s like?”, she asks. “You knooooow...”

Beau chuckles. “You mean if an all-girl boarding school was the ultimate gay experience?”

“Yeah.”

“Where do you think I learned all the stuff about female orgasms?”

Jester bursts out into full-on delighted laughter and Beau grins, rolling over to nuzzle at her neck. Laughter means she’s doing something right, they’re leaving the seriousness of this night behind and turning to more delightful things. She presses her lips along Jester’s jawline until eventually, Jester rolls over to kiss her back, her laughter swallowed by Beau’s lips and quickly turning into moans.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

Beau tries to come to the weekly meetings of the Queer Society more regularly now. She has classes on Thursday afternoons anyway, so she usually sticks around for the time in between, either in the library or just somewhere on campus, depending on the weather.

She has to admit, the lawn in front of the student society building might be one of her favourite spaces to hang out at. There’s not a lot of foot traffic going past it, it’s kind of hidden away and it’s a quiet space most of the time.

There are currently four residing student societies in the building: The Student Rep and the Student Newspaper on the ground floor and the Queer Society and the Feminist Society on the first floor. A few of her fellow students from Politics classes are in the Student Rep and there is definitely some overlap between the Queer and the Feminist Society, so when Beau sits on the front lawn, studying, she always recognises some of the people going in and out of the building.

 

It’s a good weather day and she has her headphones in, leaning against the tree in front of the student society building, a book on the historical conflicts of Wildemount in her lap. She’s not really reading, more skimming to see of she can find anything interesting pertaining to a paper she has to write.

A backpack drops down next to her, followed by a gangly, tall figure with familiar pink hair that’s kept together in a side-braid today.

“Hi”, Caduceus says, their typical big lazy smile greeting her.

“Uhm, hi?”, Beau replies, pulling one of her headphones out. “What’s up?”

“Oh, I just wanted to see what you were doing”, Caduceus says in their very sincere way. “Don’t let me disturb you.”

Beau glances at her book, then back at Caduceus, closing the book. “Nah, it’s fine.”

“Ah, that’s nice.” They grab their backpack, rummaging through it. It sounds like they’ve got an entire collection of pots and pans in there. “Would you like some kombucha? I just bottled a fresh batch.”

“What’s kombucha?”

Caduceus pulls out a couple of enamel camping cups out of their backpack, as well as a brown bottle.

“Wait, is this a home-brew?” Beau’s eyes light up.

“Yes!” Caduceus seems taken by her enthusiasm, filling both cups with a strange brown liquid. It certainly doesn’t look like what Beau would’ve expected, but she takes the cup she’s offered with a nod.

“Cheers.” They clink cups and Caduceus immediately takes a big sip, smiling at her.

She’s a bit more cautious, raising the cup to her lips and sniffing. It doesn’t smell like home-brew, which usually means two things: Either there’s no actual alcohol- or the alcohol is EXTREMELY pure.

Beauregard decides to just go for it and take a sip.

Just to almost spit it out again.

Nope, definitely no alcohol.

It’s almost tastes like drinking vinegar. And Beau should know- she grew up on a vineyard. Vinegar is definitely not something you should drink loads of.

She swallows the sip she’s taken, then coughs.

“What the fuck _is_ this?”

“Kombucha”, Caduceus repeats with a pleased smile as if that explains everything. “Infused with some ginger.”

“It tastes like vinegar!”, Beau says as if that wasn’t clear. Caduceus just drinks theirs like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“Well, yes, some people say that, I guess”, they contemplate, examining the contents of their camping cup.. “It’s both fermented...”

Beau still stares at them, waiting for the explanation.

“Oh, you’ve never had kombucha before?” Caduceus’ face brightens back up. “It’s fermented black tea.”

“Why???”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why would you ferment black tea?”

“To make kombucha, of course.”

Beau quickly figures that she’s not really getting any of her questions answered here, so she decides not to be a killjoy and slowly starts sipping on her vinegar-tea, much to Caduceus’ delight.

“It’s certainly much better than the weird carbonated mate stuff all the computer science students are drinking”, they say. “And you can brew this at home, you just need black tea and a SCOBY.”

“A what now?” Beau has understood absolutely nothing of what they just said and usually, she’s the smart one.

“A SCOBY”, Caduceus repeats. “It’s the kombucha mother… I can’t remember what the acronym stands for but it’s a yeast and bacteria culture for the fermentation process.”

“Ohhh, gotcha.” Now this is something Beau kind of understands, having grown up in the environment she did. She knows how wine and vinegar is made- but the process seems way more complicated in comparison to that of kombucha, if someone like Caduceus can just do that at home.

“So I take it kombucha is not really your cup of tea?”

Beau chuckles at the pun because how can she not? “Well-played, my friend”, she says, pointing at them.

“Oh, we’re friends now?”, they say, looking delighted. “That’s nice.”

“It’s just a- you know what, never mind.” If Caduceus Clay wants to be her friend, she’s certainly not going to stop them.

She finishes her kombucha while Caduceus starts pulling out several tupperware boxes and cutlery out of their backpack.

“Do you just have your entire kitchen with you?”, Beau asks, slightly perturbed by the amount of things that fit into that backpack.

“Oh, no”, they assure her. “This is just my lunch. Or dinner. Well, it’s for anyone who’s hungry, really. You want some quinoa salad with tomatoes and rocket?”

“Nah, thanks, I’m good.”

“Well, that’s okay too. If you get hungry, you know who to ask.”

“Do you usually give away your food to other people?”

“If someone’s hungry, I always carry something extra”, they say. “You know, in the summer my garden always produces more than I can eat and in winter, the supermarket dumpsters are overflowing with thrown-away food.”

“Wait, you dumpster dive too???”

Beau did definitely not expect this of cheerful, kind-hearted Caduceus Clay. To be fair, she didn’t really know what to expect from them at all, so the fact that they’re a dumpster diver like her is a pleasant surprise.

“Well, there’s just so much food that gets thrown away”, Caduceus explains. “It’s just really a shame-”

“Yeah, I know! Dude!”

“Not a dude.”

“Sorry.” Beau is so caught up in the moment that she’s completely forgotten that Caduceus is non-binary. “We could be dumpster diving buddies!”, she continues. “I always have to go alone- well, now Yasha’s coming with- but STILL!”

“Oh!” Caduceus’ face lights up again. “You go dumpster diving too! Well, that’s- that’s just great. I don’t mind sharing my knowledge with you, I usually go alone...”

They talk about dumpster diving and their experience with different supermarkets in Zadash for a while. Caduceus has a slightly different approach than her, often talking to shop owners to see if they will offer them their throwaway food without having to go through their wheelie bins at night, either for free or at least at a reduced price.

“If we had a open fridge on campus somewhere, we could store food there for everyone to take as they need it”, they say thoughtfully. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

“Deuces, that’s genius!”, Beau exclaims. “You should talk to Molly, maybe we can get one in the Queer Society’s space.”

“Oh”, Caduceus says with a smile. “Why don’t you ask him? You’re friends, aren’t you?”

“Ehhhhh.” Beauregard pulls a face as if she’s just tasted some more of their kombucha. Molly might be sharing his weed with her and they hang out regularly but she doesn’t think they’re anywhere in that stage of their so-called friendship where she would ask him to set up an open fridge in the Queer Society’s meeting space.

Caduceus doesn’t push the issue much further but it lingers in the back of her mind as their conversation turns to other things. She said she wouldn’t get too involved with the Queer Society but she finds herself slowly growing attached to these people. Not just Fjord and Jester, she thinks she might even care about Molly now. It’s very disturbing.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

Something that Beau also discovers, now that she comes to the Queer Society’s meetings more regularly is that once the official part of the meeting is over, things go wildly off the rails. There’s cuddle puddles, massage circles, gossip and ever so often, someone brings booze. It’s happened more than twice that they’ve just ordered pizza or kebab or some other form of takeaway food to the building and this usually keeps some people around longer.

It’s one of these Thursday nights after a meeting that someone suggests Truth or Dare. A few people groan but they still all come sit around in a circle, some on the floor and some on the sofas.

“Rules?”, Jester asked into the round, sipping on her chocolate milk.

“No forcing people to do something they might not want to do”, Calianna suggests.

“Or answer somethin’ that’s too private”, Fjord adds.

Jester frowns. “But that takes the whole fun out of Truth or Dare!”

“It’s no fun for anyone if they’re embarrassed by it”, Molly replies. “Unless they’re into that kinda stuff. Then it’s kinky.”

There’s a few laughs from the group but when Beau looks over at Caleb and Nott, especially Caleb still looks unconvinced. It’s too late to back out though.

“Molly!”, Jester calls over the murmur of the group still settling down. “Truth or Dare?”

“Dare me, darling”, Molly replies with a wink.

“I dare you to post a childhood picture of you on your Instagram.”

“Sucks for you- I don’t have any evidence of my childhood.”

“Teenage years then.”

“Okay, fine.” Molly pulls out his phone and starts scrolling through his gallery. “This might take a while. Hold on, let me just-” He looks around the group, then focuses on Caduceus. “Clay, Truth or Dare?”

Caduceus grins their typical lazy smile. “Truth.”

“What is the weirdest stuff you’ve ever taken. You know what I’m talking about.”

“Oh...” Caduceus laughs softly. “You know I’m not much for those… chemical drugs. I’m a natural person. But I did have some pretty trippy mushrooms a few years ago.” The nod to themselves. “Met a lot of ghosts that night.”

Beau’s eyes widen immediately. “Where did you get-”

“Oh no, that’s a trade secret.”

“Damn it!”

Caduceus still smiles at her. “Truth or Dare, Beau?”

“Dare”, Beau says, clicking her tongue.

“I dare you to do ten push-ups.”

“Easy!” Beau pulls off her hoodie because even if she’s good at this she’ll still probably break a sweat and she’ll also never miss a chance to show off her guns.

The group counts along loudly as she does her push-ups, doing the last two one-armed just for show. They cheer for her and she takes a bow before sitting back down between Jester and Cali.

She lets her eyes sweep over the group for a moment, acting like she’s not quite sure who to pick when really- “Yasha. Truth or Dare?”

“Uhm… Truth?”

“First person you kissed.”

Yasha blushes slightly and looks at her hands as if they’re currently very interesting. “I’ve never kissed anyone”, she confesses.

“And that’s okay”, Molly quickly interjects, throwing a glare at Beau, who pulls a face right back at him. He ignores it and turns to Yasha. “Your turn, darling.”

Yasha looks around the group.

“Jester.”

Jester immediately sits up straight, grinning.

“Truth or Dare?”

“Daaaaare!”, she crows.

“I dare you to sing us a song.”

“Ohhhh!” Jester claps excitedly. “Let me think for a sec- oh, I know!”

 

What Yasha probably hasn’t fully grasped yet is that Jester has grown up with a mother who makes a living from performing. Jester had shown Beau a video of the Ruby of the Sea performing when they’d just moved in, and she wasn’t exaggerating when she would gush about her mother’s voice. Of course, being her daughter meant that Jester had inherited at least some of that talent. Which means-

“Wheeeeenever I see someone less fortunate than I-”, Jester starts, full of confidence. “And- let’s face it- who isn’t less fortunate than I?” She presses her hands to her heart dramatically. “My tender heart tends to start to bleeeeed. And when someone needs a makeover-” She turns to Caleb, stage-whispering “That’s you, Caleb” before returning to singing. “I simply have to take over- I know, I know exactly what they neeeed...”

Jester continues with a full-on performance of Wicked’s “Popular”, basically serenading Caleb who is hiding behind his hands but can’t conceal his smile. It’s kind of endearing.

The whole group applauds when she finally finishes on a high note, stretching her arms out dramatically.

“Thank you, thank you”, she says, smiling and taking a bow before turning to her victim. “Cay-leeeeeb.”

“Yes?”, he sighs.

“Truth or Daaaaaare?”

Caleb contemplates this for a moment, then says: “Dare.”

“Yay!” Jester jumps up and runs over to her bag in the corner, pulling out something that Beau can’t distinguish.

“I dare you to put this on.”

She holds out a t-shirt to Caleb. It’s black with a giant rainbow on it and the sentence “No one told me life was gonna be this gay!” in big white letters.

The group cheers and Caleb sighs defeatedly, taking the shirt from Jester.

“This is a size S”, he reads the label. “This is too small for me, Jester.”

“No it isn’t”, she replies. “Get changing.”

“Fine.” Caleb gets up, leaving the room, presumably to get changed in the bathroom.

While they wait, the conversation picks back up. Molly has, following Jester’s first dare, posted a picture of him in his teenage years on his Instagram with the title ‘@leetlebluejester made me do it #TBT’. It shows a grim-looking Molly with shoulder-length brown hair, visibly pre-Testosterone, wearing almost all-black.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear that much black before”, Beau says.

“Why wear black when you can be fun?”, Molly replies. “That was my cishet phase.”

She looks at him with a curious expression, not sure if he’s mocking her or teasing her or they are actually just having a decent conversation for once, sharing in his origin story.

 

Caleb comes back, the t-shirt fitting him just fine, if maybe a little bit snug. But Beau wouldn’t put it past Jester for that to be intentional. There’s certainly a few raised eyebrows and interested looks from some people in the group.

“Cay-leb, your turn”, Jester says with a grin.

Caleb, who’s still fussing with his t-shirt looks around the room.

“Viveka”, he finally chooses. “ _Wahrheit oder Pflicht?_ ”

The Zemnian girl grins at him. “ _Pflicht._ ”

“No Zemnian talk in the group!”, Jester calls them out.

“She- she picked dare”, Caleb explains. “ _Wahrheit_ is truth, _Pflicht_ is dare.” He looks back at Viveka. “I dare you to take off a piece of clothing of your choice.”

Beau doesn’t quite know where to place Viveka yet so she doesn’t really know how to predict the outcome of this dare. She knows that Viv is ace and panromantic, that she’s from the Zemni Fields and occasionally chats to Caleb or her brother Gunnar in Zemnian. Meanwhile, her Common is fluent with a slight lilt but definitely unlike the heavy accent that Caleb usually displays. She normally stays in the background, knitting during meetings and occasionally throwing in comments or ideas.

Beauregard wouldn’t have thought her particularly daring, which is why her jaw drops when Viveka reaches around her back in a practised motion, contorts for a moment and then pulls her bra out of her t-shirt sleeve. She throws it at Caleb under the cheers and catcalls of the group and Caleb turns absolutely beet-red.

“About time this turned a bit more interesting”, she says with a grin. “Cali- truth or dare?”

“Oh my gosh”, Calianna says, blushing and putting her hands to her cheeks. “Now I’m scared. Dare?”

“I dare you to kiss the person to your right.”

The room erupts into noise while Cali turns to her right. To Beauregard. Beau looks over at Viveka, who’s grinning and waggling her eyebrows at her. Beau just grins and shakes her head, then faces Calianna.

“C’mon, lay one on me”, she says. “I won’t bite.”

Cali seems slightly nervous but there’s also a smile playing around her lips when she leans in and kisses her. Beau, who would never say no to kissing a pretty girl, eagerly kisses back until Cali pulls away again. She even gives her a wink, just for good measure. Calianna blushes and then turns back to the group.

“Okay then”, she says with a slightly higher voice than normal. “Who’s next?”

 

They play a few more rounds, a few more people are dared to kiss, first crushes are revealed, someone orders pizza and Molly does his drag performance, without costume but with music blaring out of the Bluetooth speakers that Gunnar has set up.

“Beauregard”, he says with an evil grin as he sits back down. “Truth or Dare?”

Beau rolls her eyes. “Truth.”

“Last person you had sex with.”, Molly demands.

She sucks in a sharp breath of air, trying not to look in Jester’s direction. They haven’t really talked about how open they want to be about it but she’d rather play it safe than face Jester’s wrath.

“I’m not inclined to say”, she replies with a suave grin. “But let’s just say, she’s a feisty one.”

Molly cocks his head in confusion and the expression that says that he’s not quite sure if he actually wants to hear the details of Beau’s sex life. But hey- he asked for it.

“Oh my god, is it someone from this group???”, Jester exclaims dramatically and it takes Beau a whole lot of willpower not to burst out laughing. There’s some excited chatter around the group, people already suggesting who Beau might’ve slept with.

She just lets it wash over her, here eyes catching Fjord’s who looks at her suspiciously, his eyes shifting to Jester and then back to her.

_Well shit._

“Fjord”, she says quickly to distract him from his train of thought. “Truth or Dare?”

They haven’t managed to get a single grain of truth out of Fjord this night. He’s always chosen dare, resulting in him having to strip his t-shirt and sing a sea shanty. He doesn’t disappoint this time either.

“Dare.”

Beau grins.

“I dare you to kiss someone in this group, who has their hair dyed.”

“What’s the hair got to do with the kissin’?” He raises an eyebrow at her. She just shrugs. She’s given him options but she obviously has someone special in mind. If he wants to call her out on her thing with Jester, she can also call him out on _his_ crush on their flatmate.

“Nope”, Finley says loudly, pushing back their turquoise hair. “I’m out. Sorry Fjord, you’re just not my type.”

“No offence taken”, Fjord replies, his eyes scanning the group. “Mollymauk?”

Mollymauk’s grin is absolutely dirty. “Of course, darling.” He shuffles over to where Fjord is leaning against the sofa.

Beau dares to look over at Jester now, to gauge her reaction. To her surprise, Jester doesn’t look disappointed at all but rather… intrigued.

There’s some cheers and when Beau turns back to Fjord and Molly they’re already making out, Molly’s arms winding around Fjord’s neck. He’s clearly enjoying himself way too much but Beau decides to let him have this.

It’s only fun after all.

She’s slowly starting to come to the realisation that’s that what Queer Society is about: Enjoying just being yourself without other people looking at you weirdly. There’s acceptance without judgement in this group that she hasn’t felt in a long time and she understands now why Jester wants her to let down her walls now. Because it brings this:

A group of mismatched university students of all kind of gender and sexual orientations, happily cheering on two people shamelessly making out while some eccentric mix of pop music is playing in the background.


	8. when it feels like the world's gone mad (and there's nothing you can do about it) [Yasha]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Beauregard has regrets about smoking weed and problems with opening up to Jester. When Jester gives her the cold shoulder about this, they have an argument and Beau finally starts revealing her shitty childhood stories to her best friend. Caduceus introduces Beau to Vinegar-Tea (Kombucha) and the Queer Society enjoys an entertaining night of Truth or Dare in Which Beau gets to kiss Cali and Fjord chooses to kiss Molly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop! Back on track! I've been writing a lot before I finally start working on Monday and won't have nearly as much time... We'll see if I have to switch to bi-weekly updates then or can keep my shedule. In the meantime, enjoy!

Yasha isn‘t a particularly big fan of Truth or Dare but she joins in to not ruin the fun. Luckily, after revealing on her first truth that she has never kissed anyone before, both truths and dares directed at her stay fairly harmless and she doesn’t have to make out with anyone. Jester _does_ however ask her if she likes girls and because it’s Truth or Dare, Yasha answers honestly.

“I’m not sure. I am… questioning at the moment.”

There’s some cheers from the group and Jester stage-whispers: “It’s the Gay Agenda! We turn all the straight allies gay!”

Yasha smiles, kind of amused. “We’ll see.”

The game continues and she notices how even the people more reluctant to join in the beginning seem to enjoy themselves now. It could also just be that a lot of them have started drinking beer that somebody brought along and alcohol makes everyone a bit more loose-lipped. Yasha just leans back and lets them have their fun, not really retreating from the game but taking a back seat.

“I dare you to kiss someone in this group who has their hair dyed.”

Her eyes flick over to Beau. It’s an odd choice of words but maybe not the oddest dare they’ve had so far tonight.

The bigger surprise is the choice that Fjord makes.

“Mollymauk?”

“Of course, darling.”

Molly has no quarrel making out with a variety of people, Yasha knows this. He’s pansexual after all and he loves any kind of physical contact. The only thing she knows about Fjord is that he’s asexual, which tells her absolutely nothing about the kind of people he might be into. Cali has explained the asexual and aromantic spectrum to her before briefly, but Yasha hasn’t really had a lot more insight into it.

_I guess asexual people like kissing._

The thoughts crosses her mind as she quickly turns her eyes away from Molly and Fjord who are straying from just a short kiss to prolonged making out. She feels weird watching them kiss and she doesn’t quite know why. Probably because Molly and her are so close or some other silly reason.

She instead observes the other people in the group, some cheering and hollering while others pay the kissing pair no mind, and catches Nott and Caleb looking equally weirded out by this display. Nott looks over, their eyes meet and Nott mimes a gagging motion that has Yasha smile, nodding in agreement. Caleb on the other hand is fixated on Fjord and Molly and he looks like he’s _actually_ going to be sick.

  


Luckily it’s in this moment that someone calls out “Pizza’s here!”, holding up their phone with the notification of the delivery service. Fjord and Molly break apart and the room jumps back into action.

A few people go downstairs to get the pizza or have a smoke outside, the music cuts out momentarily and then a new phone gets connected to the Bluetooth speakers.

“Enjoying yourself?”

Molly walks over to her with a grin, stretching. His shirt rises up and Yasha immediately reaches out to tickle the revealed strip of belly. The squeak Molly lets out has some people look over from their conversations but when they realise it’s just playful teasing they turn right back.

“You’re evil”, Molly says, dropping down next to her on the sofa, his head in her lap. “But I love you anyway.”

“Thanks”, Yasha replies. She still has some inhibitions to say it back casually like that. As far as she knows, the closest translation in Xhorhasian is an expression only exchanged between lovers, which her and Molly are definitely not, despite all the physical affection.

“So?” Molly looks up at her expectantly.

“What?”

“Enjoying yourself?”, he repeats his question from before.

“Yeah.”

“Sure you don’t want to kiss someone?”

“Yeah.”

If a first kiss will ever happen, she wants it to be special. A person she cares about, not someone random picked out by another person. In a private space, too, not with so many people watching.

“Are _you_ enjoying yourself?”, Yasha throws the question back at Molly.

“Oh yeah”, he says with a grin. “Have you _looked_ at Fjord?”

Yasha looks over at where Fjord is chatting to Jester. Of all the people in the group, his skin is probably the darkest, his black hair cropped short at the sides and longer in tight curls at the top. He’s certainly bigger built than Molly, who is fairly lean, but from looking at his arms, Yasha can tell that it’s not just fat but also muscle mass.

“He’s basically Prince Charming, if the whole Cinderella story weren’t so wonderfully racist and white”, Molly adds.

Yasha cocks her head to the side. Yes, Fjord looks nice and she has developed a certain fondness for him because he’s always friendly towards her, but _Prince Charming_? She doesn’t really get that.

“I don’t think he’s my type”, she admits.

“Fair enough”, Molly says, sitting back up again because the pizza’s coming and everyone’s gathering back around the coffee table to get a piece.

  


The group doesn’t go back to Truth or Dare that night, instead just lounging around with pizza and drinks, chatting. It feels a bit like their Saturday night dinners except with more people that Yasha doesn’t know as well. In this bigger group she usually stays close to Molly but finds she doesn’t mind if one of her other friends sits close.

That’s what they are now. _Friends_. That’s what Caleb said.

She looks over to him, he seems better now, drinking a cup of coffee and nibbling on a slice of pizza while Nott next to him simply devours hers. Molly, who’s been skipping from conversation to conversation, sits down next to them. He leans into Caleb for a second, a grin on his face, before pulling back again. Yasha can’t quite tell the expression on Caleb’s face but it shifts into a smile as well after a hesitant moment.

“Yashaaaa!”

She looks up at Jester who’s flopping down next to her with a piece of pizza in her hand.

“Who’re you looking at?”, she asks with a grin.

“What?”, Yasha replies, slightly confused. “Nobody.”

“You were staring...” Jester leans into her, following her previous line of sight. “At Caleb? You know he’s gay, right?”

Yasha splutters, fumbling with her words. “I- what- no- he’s- I know that.”

“Molly then?”, Jester prods. “Are you secretly in love with your best friend and flatmate and you just can’t say anything because it would ruin the dynamic and even if you would both agree it wouldn’t change anything, you know it still would, so you just keep quiet and pine from afar?”

“Huh?”

“Nothing, never mind”, Jester quickly adds, followed by a sigh. “It wouldn’t work out anyway.”

“Are you okay?”, Yasha asks, kind of concerned by the lack of Jester’s normally cheery nature now.

“Yes, of course!” It’s like a switch flipped and the smile is back. Jester takes another bite of her piece of pizza and Yasha, not quite sure what just happened, follows her lead.

There’s a moment of silence where they both just eat and, without any forewarning, Beau chooses this moment to vault over the back of the sofa next to them. It’s so unexpected that Yasha curses under her breath but Beauregard doesn’t seem to see anything wrong, just slips into the space on Yasha’s other side so she’s sandwiched between the two girls.

“What’re you guys talking about?”, Beau asks.

“Molly and Caleb”, Jester declares in a hushed voice.

Beau frowns, looking over at the two of them, sitting next to each other and having a quiet conversation that mostly consists of Molly talking and Caleb listening.

“What about them?”

“Are you blind?”, Jester retorts. “They’re in LOVE.”

Beau squints at the two of them, then turns back to Jester and Yasha.

“Aren’t you over-exaggerating a bit?”, she asks. “I mean, we all know Molly flirts with anything that breathes- no offence. They’re just talking.”

“I think Molly’s just being nice”, Yasha agrees, resulting in Beau making a covert fist pump. “He’s the president of this group, he talks to everyone.”

Jester stares at them with an unimpressed look on her face. “You two are unbelievable and terribly unromantic. You wouldn’t recognise love if it sat right in front of you waving their hands. I’m gonna… go.”

She gets up, marching over to where Calianna is sitting in her wheelchair, talking to Caduceus and Fjord.

“She’s very dramatic”, Yasha notes.

“She’s a sucker for romance”, Beau explains. “Kinda funny because… you know, never mind.” She leans forward to take another slice of pizza from the box closest to them. “Want one too?”

“Sure.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Pride Month in Trostenwald was never much of an affair. In Zadash however, it’s a whole thing. There’s whole streets decorated with bunting, garlands and streamers in rainbow colours, especially in the shopping districts, and a light show installation on the Pentamarket. Several clubs and bars have a special program for Unndilar, including drag shows, concerts and comedy. It all results in the final weekend of the month with a big pride parade that has floats, foot groups, confetti and music.

Yasha doesn’t quite know what to think of it all.

  


Over the past few weeks she’s become more and more at home in the Queer Society. She feels welcome in the group most of the time, although sometimes there are conversation topics where she’s clearly out of her depths. She’s pretty comfortable in her gender identity and listening to Molly and Nott talk about their experiences only confirms that. Her sexuality however is a whole different topic.

“What did you know first?”, she asks Molly one night when it’s just the two of them, chilling on his bed. “Your gender identity or your sexuality?”

Molly, who’s currently in the process of painting their nails in a lovely gold glitter, looks up from their project. For a moment they look as if they want to ask something but then they just say: “Sexuality.”

Yasha nods and waits for them to continue because she knows this isn’t just a one-word-answer.

“I thought I was a lesbian first”, they say after finishing off with the last coat of nail polish. “Then I realised I was transgender and I actually liked boys too, so I identified as bisexual for a while. That label never quite fit me… I’d just started calling myself pansexual when we met. And you know the rest...”

The rest being that Molly had just gone off of testosterone when they first met and started identifying as genderfluid.

“Why the sudden interest?”, they ask.

Yasha fiddles with her leather bracelet while trying to figure out a way to formulate an answer to this question.

“Is this about what you said last week about questioning things?”, Molly prods helpfully.

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay to question, you know? Nobody has it all figured out from the beginning. I mean, that’s literally my life story- I’m still trying to find myself constantly.”

Yasha nods even though Molly’s reassurance doesn’t help her at all.

They remain silent for a while, knowing when to give her space to figure out what to say next. It’s not as much a language problem any more, but that’s where their routine stems from, Yasha taking her time to find words while Molly would wait patiently.

“I’m not sure if I like boys or girls”, she says eventually. “Or both. I just… don’t know how to go figure it out.”

Molly chuckles softly, putting their nail polish bottles back into the box where they keep them. “I mean, my suggestion would be to just kiss some people and see what makes you feel good”, they say. “But I have a feeling that’s not your style.”

“I’d like there to be feelings before the kissing happens, yes”, Yasha confirms.

“Of the romantic kind?”

“Yes.”

“There’s no shame in that”, Molly says, shrugging. “So you’re trying to figure out who you like enough to kiss.”

“I guess...”

Yasha pulls one of the pillows lining the wall into her lap, hugging it to her chest for comfort. Molly flops down onto their belly, resting their chin in their folded hands.

“Have you ever had a crush?”, they ask. “Or someone you just liked a lot?”

And that’s the crux, isn’t it? “I don’t think so. I mean, I like people like friends. Or family. Like you.”

“Awww, Yash...” Molly gives her a wide smile. “But you don’t want to kiss me?”

“No”, she says, immediately. “No offence, but… no.”

“None taken.” They wink at her.

“I mean, I like hugging you”, she explains. “And I don’t mind when you kiss my hair sometimes…”

“I am very affectionate, I know.”

Yasha just shrugs helplessly. “I just don’t know how to tell who I like in a- you know.”

“Why is this so important to you all of the sudden?”, Molly asks, sitting up. “I don’t want to discourage your questioning but I also don’t want you to feel pressured to label yourself just because your friends are all out and proud- more or less.”

Yasha lets out a deep sigh.

She doesn’t know how to explain it.

She doesn’t know how to name the random periods of loneliness that hit her sometimes, the fact that sometimes she still feels lost on this country like nobody can really understand her. She just wants something, _anything_ , to connect her to this place, these people, instead of everything leading back to Xhorhas.

“It’s nothing”, she says. “I was just wondering.” She puts the pillow back on the bed and gets up. “We should go to sleep. You have an early class tomorrow.”

Molly looks as if they can tell that something’s off but don’t quite know what.

“Okay”, they say. “You know you can always come talk to me, right?”

Yasha just nods and leaves Molly with a soft “Night”, padding over to her own tiny room. Maybe a good night’s sleep will fix the mess in her head. It has to. She won’t fall asleep crying again, like she did in the beginning.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Yasha likes studying but a lot of the time her mind drifts off when the lecturers keep rattling on about the cultural significance of different marriage rituals and she starts browsing through the books she got from the library instead, looking at the pictures of traditional clothing from Vasselheim, showing fancy headwear and detailed needlework on the trim.

But it’s not the clothing that interests her. It’s the detailed little flowers decorating the fabric. Yasha has an obsession that some might find strange: She likes flowers. Native wildflowers, specifically.

Walking by a flower shop is one thing, they hold potted orchids and buckets full of cut roses, tulips, chrysanthemums and carnations. They’re all beautiful, cultivated delicacies but they’re not what Yasha likes.

As much as living in a big city like Zadash is advantageous most of the time, she misses Trostenwald on occasion. There, you could just easily walk off along the lake to find wildflowers with small buds hiding along the tramping tracks. The excitement of coming upon an unusual flower in the wild that she doesn’t know yet is incomparable to seeing flowers in books or flower shops.

She finds herself looking at ways to escape the city life. Unfortunately most ways would have to include overnight stays, as Yasha has no driving licence and has to rely on public transport to take her where she needs to go. Plus, she doesn’t own the full gear to go camping in the wild and hut passes will cost a fortune in the approaching summer.

So she longs for summer holidays, saving up money for a tent and buying field guides for flowers of the Empire in the second hand book store down the road.

  


In hindsight it should’ve been the obvious person to run into in a second hand book store. But when she looks up from browsing the non-fiction shelves and catches Caleb skimming over book titles across the room, she’s still surprised. For all the people she’s gotten to know now what with joining the Queer Society, she rarely runs into anyone off-campus.

Caleb skims way more quickly than she ever could, his finger running over the backs of the books, occasionally pulling out a title and then slipping it back in. Yasha catches herself watching, slightly fascinated, a book on the flora and fauna of the Dunrock Mountains still in her hand.

_Maybe you_ do _like boys._

The thought slips through her mind before she can stop it. It’s irrational. She doesn’t even like Caleb that way, she’s pretty sure. The knowledge that he’s gay and _definitely_ not interested is almost reassuring.

Nevertheless she likes watching him, in his element, still wearing his typical long brown coat and a scarf despite the sunny day out. He is kind of nice-looking, although very thin and unshaven with visible rings under his eyes.

Yasha cocks her head and tries to imagine herself kissing Caleb. It feels weird. Not just because he’s right _there_ and he could catch her looking and would probably be able to tell that she’s thinking weird things. The stubble would certainly feel weird. Plus, Caleb is shorter than her which means she would have to lean down which… also weird.

As if he can tell that she’s thinking about him, Caleb looks up and catches her staring.

She immediately starts sweating nervously, turning back to the bookshelf she’s been browsing through and puts away the book she’s been holding on to.

If she’d leave now, he’d think something was wrong. So she tries to act like nothing happened, intently staring at the backs of the books but not really reading, praying to the Stormlord that she doesn’t embarrass herself further.

“ _Ähm_ … hello, Yasha.”

_Shit._

She looks up. “Caleb.” An awkward pause. “I didn’t want to disturb you. You looked very busy.”

“Oh, _ähm…_ _nein_. I was just looking if they have anything new that might be interesting.”

He’s holding a small stack of maybe three or four books but the cover of the one on top doesn’t show a title, just some very nice ornamental detailing.

“You come here often?”, she asks.

“From time to time”, Caleb replies. “I have been living in Zadash for almost four years now, I know all the good book shops.” He pats the books in his hand awkwardly. “I like books.”

“What kind of books?”

“All kinds.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“What- _ähm_ , what are you looking for?” He gestures at the bookshelf they are standing in front of. “Maybe I can help. I am very good at finding books.”

“Oh”, Yasha says, scratching her neck. “Books about flowers.”

“Ah. Okay...”

“You don’t need to-”

“What kind of flowers?”

“Just… wildflowers. I like looking at the pictures.” She blushes at that, turning her face to the ground.

“Oh!” Caleb perks up. “I know. Come with me.”

He dashes off into another room and Yasha follows him cautiously, throwing a glance at the shop owner who doesn’t pay them any mind. Caleb makes his way through the maze of bookshelves and eventually stops in front of one, pulling out a few tome-like books, pushing them back in and eventually presenting her with a bigger book that has some illustrated pictures on the cover.

“It’s technically in the wrong section”, he explains.

“Technicallyyyyyy...”, Yasha repeats quietly, mimicking the lilt of Jester’s accent.

Caleb looks up at her in surprise, then lets out a low chuckle as if she’d just made a funny joke. Maybe it is. An inside joke, just between them.

“It is a field guide for flowers of the countryside”, Caleb continues his explanation. “But since it’s illustrated so beautifully, I guess the owner must’ve thought it was an art book and put it down here.”

Yasha looks over his shoulder easily as he flips through the pages, occasionally stopping on detailed illustrations of alpine flowers, colourful things that some people might call weeds, a page covered in different types of poppies.

“Harebell”, he points out. “Red Campion. Bindweed- they used to grow all over my family’s house.” He sighs.

“Do you-” Yasha hesitates for a moment in asking the question but they have talked on the matter of family before so she guesses it’s only okay to ask as well. “Do you miss them?”

Caleb freezes and she immediately knows her guess wasn’t right. The book snaps shut in his grasp and he hands it to her.

“I’m sorry...”, she starts but he just shakes his head.

“It’s fine”, he mutters. “I- I rather not talk about it.”

“Okay”, she says, nodding reassuringly. “Okay. Thank you. For- for this.”

“You’re welcome.”

It’s like a wall has gone back up. Caleb, who’s opened up for a moment, excited by books and the prospect of showing her something she might like, has shut down again. His typical frown is back up on his face and he’s scanning the room as if he’s looking for a way out.

“I am- I’m just gonna-” She gestures to the general direction of the cash register.

Caleb nods and she leaves him standing there, feeling bad about causing whatever bad feelings just came up again for him. She doesn’t know how to help him, so she just leaves, hoping he doesn’t hate her for it.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Caleb doesn’t show up to Queer Society that Thursday. It’s normal for people to occasionally miss a meeting and Nott is there to make his excuses, so nobody seems to think much of it.

Yasha, however, does.

She approaches Nott after the official part is over, when they’re all just sitting around, eating brownies that someone brought along.

“Is Caleb okay?”, she asks.

Nott looks at her suspiciously. “He’s just got a bit of a cold.”

“I just- I met him at the second hand book shop a few days ago”, Yasha explains. “And I asked him something about his family and I think he did not like that.”

“Oh”, Nott says.

“Is he- is he mad at me?”, Yasha asks. “He said he did not want to talk about- his family.”

“Oh, yeah.” Nott scratches her head, looking anywhere but at Yasha. “He’s just in his head sometimes, you know? It’s not a fun place to be. Not your fault.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Yasha knows when Molly feels sad he usually needs comfort, maybe a movie night to distract him and lots of chocolate. But she doesn’t know Caleb well enough to determine whether he actually likes any of these things.

“I don’t think so.” Nott looks almost apologetic. “He’ll come around eventually.”

Yasha decides to not prod any further but she still has a bad feeling about the whole situation. Unsure of how to proceed, she lets Nott get back to mingling with the rest of the group and sits down by herself at one of the tables to the side of the room, pulling out her phone to pretend like she’s busy when really, she’s just thinking and not ready to socialise right now.

She could leave, but her and Molly always go home together, partially for safety reasons and partially just because it’s only the two of them. Theoretically she could also try to convince him to leave but he enjoys Queer Society too much for her to feel comfortable to pull him away from that.

Her phone display fades to black and she quickly wipes it again to keep up the pretence of doing something important when really all she’s looking at is an article on the National Parks of the Empire.

She reaches up to twist one of the beads in her hair, back and forth, tugging on it. Then goes to check Facebook. With a few swipes and taps she’s on her brother’s page. He hasn’t updated in three months but that’s nothing new. She knows it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

In her heart she believes that her family is still safe, hiding somewhere, waiting for the war to be over. She prays to the Stormlord every night and hopes he might give her a sign, even just a small one, to tell her that they’re okay.

But she also knows the harsh reality of it, sees the news reports on the war in Xhorhas and at the border region. In the war, the life or death of a single person becomes irrelevant. In the war, people become collateral damage.

  


The chair across the table scrapes on the floor and when Yasha looks up, it’s Beau sitting down.

“Sorry”, she says. “Am I-”

“No, it’s fine”, Yasha replies hastily. “I’m just-” She gestures at her phone. “Family.”

“Oh.” Beau nods. “They okay?”

“Yeah.”

It’s an easy lie. Maybe easier than it should be. Pretend everything is alright, hopefully nobody asks further questions. Being in the Empire for six years now, Yasha has learned that sometimes it’s safer to just pretend everything’s fine instead of annoying people with your constant thoughts about your family that’s trapped in a warzone. People in the Empire don’t want to think about the Xhorhasian conflict too much.

“Good”, Beau says. She pulls out her own phone. “Are we still on for tomorrow?”

“What? Oh, yeah.” Dumpster diving. Of course. She’s completely forgotten about that. “Yeah, when do you want to start?”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


In the early morning hours she makes a split decision. She knows it’s irrational but she needs to do it. Her head’s buzzing, her mind going all kinds of different places and there’s no other way to go but away.

She picks a route that is fairly easily accessible by public transportation but not in one of the major National Parks, only a few hours away from Zadash in one of the bigger beech forests. The huts are still fairly cheap in the approaching summer season and she’ll be able to pick up the tickets at the department of conservation before she leaves, which means she won’t have to worry about getting a tent on short notice.

She packs her second-hand army backpack with her sleeping bag, extra clothing and a flashlight. She’ll gather food and supplies in the morning. For a moment she hesitates but then slips the field guide that Caleb found for her in the back of her pack as well. Maybe she’ll actually find some good samples.

  


Molly leaves early in the morning for his classes and she’s glad he’s gone because it’ll make sneaking away so much easier. She feels just a bit bad about leaving like that. But she’s sure if she told him he’d try and convince her to stay. So she takes the easy way out.

The woman at the department of conservation is very friendly, handing her two hut passes for a silver piece and four copper.

“It’s supposed to be fairly good weather this weekend”, she says. “Not as chilly any more. Maybe some showers- do you have a rain jacket?”

Yasha nods.

“Good. Don’t think you should have too many tick problems this early in the year but you might want to take a tick remover just in case. We have some good ones here...”

She sells Yasha a tick remover, some insect repellent and a proper map of the area before Yasha manages to weasel her way out of the building.

He backpack is heavy on her shoulders as she walks to the train station, but that’s mostly the two litres of water she carries because there’s no fresh water at the huts. She’s also packed a random assortment of food, nothing to cook because she doesn’t have a camping stove yet. A big jar of peanut butter and a bag full of carrot sticks. Two bars of the chocolate that Beau and her found in the supermarket bins a few weeks ago. Muesli bars, dried fruits and nuts. A fresh loaf of bread.

It’ll hold her over. Yasha’s survived on less food before.

  


The train takes her to a small village at the edge of the forest and it’s another five kilometres to the start of the trail but she doesn’t care. A smile slips on her face as she walks along the main road.

It feels good. Right. Being on the move again. She’s missed this.

The sun is still hiding behind the clouds but she finds she doesn’t mind. Cars are passing her by but she marches on on the side of the road, following the instructions of her phone. She’s got a small power bank for emergencies but she’ll have to turn her phone off soon enough to conserve energy.

She’s not even paying attention when suddenly a car slows down next to her.

“Hey, you okay?”

She looks up to find a woman, maybe in her late thirties, looking at her, the window of the passenger side rolled down. She’s got light brown skin and her dark frizzy hair pulled back into a bun.

“Huh?”, Yasha responds, confused.

“Where you headed?”, the woman asks. The way she talks, a bit abrupt and harsh, it reminds Yasha of Beau.

“The Brendalwin Forest”, she replies. “To the trail.”

“It’s not safe to walk along the road like this”, the woman says. “Come on, hop in, I’ll give you a lift.”

“Oh.”

It’s a split-second where Yasha has to decide whether she trusts this woman enough to hitch a ride with her. She scans the inside of the car, it’s a bit messy but fairly modern. On the back seat a toddler with a mop of dark curls is staring back at her.

Yasha opens the passenger side door.

“Thank you”, she says, putting her backpack in the footwell and getting in as well, pulling the door shut after herself.

“No problem”, the woman says. “I’m Janna, that’s Quen.”

“Yasha”, Yasha introduces herself while putting on her seatbelt.

Janna takes off driving again. “So what’re you up to in the Brendalwin Forest, Yasha?”

“Hiking?”

“Good weather for it”, Janna remarks. “Where are you from?”

“Zadash. I’m at the Academy.”

“Ah, university.” For the first time since Janna pulled up for her, there’s a smile on her face. “I remember those days. Met my wife at the Academy actually.”

Yasha immediately perks up. She already decided she could trust this person when she saw the kid in the back but now she’s sure of it. She just doesn’t know what to say- she’s not queer herself so she can’t really relate with that.

“Do you...” Yasha considers her words for a moment. “Was there a Queer Society back then?”

“Queer Society?”, Janna repeats. “Nah, it was the Gay and Lesbian Union back then. You’re in the- what’d you call it?”

“Queer Society. My friends run it, I- I’m just a member.”

Janna’s eyes flit over to her for a moment and Yasha doesn’t know if she’s scrutinising her or just mildly curious.

“You kids having fun this month?”, she asks instead, eyes back on the road. “Pride never was this big when I was at uni...”

“Oh, yes. There is… a lot. Lots of parties, concerts… what do you call it- the dressing up?”

“Drag shows?”

“Yeah. That.”

Another curious glance. “You’re not from the Empire, are you?”

“No”, Yasha says quietly. “But it’s my home now.”

“I don’t mean to pry”, Janna clarifies. “You just seem very fluent and then some words...”

“I’ve been here for six years now. My application for asylum was granted last year.”

“Damn, that’s a long time to wait for someone saying you can stay.”

“I was an unaccompanied minor when I first got here”, Yasha explains, a little more sure that Janna is genuinely just curious about her situation and not taken aback by the fact that she’s a refugee. “I was granted a residency permit until I turned eighteen and then I was able to apply for asylum.”

“Wow.”

Yasha hasn’t even noticed where they were going when the car slows down and comes to a stop. They’re on an almost empty car park at the edge of the forest.

“Not much going on this weekend I guess”, Janna says.

Yasha grabs her backpack. “Thank you. For the ride.”

“No problem.” Janna reaches into the back of the car. “Listen, you be safe out there, okay? If you can’t get a ride back to the station, give me call alright? We don’t live too far off.” She hands Yasha a business card that declares her as a lawyer.

“Thank you”, Yasha repeats, pocketing the card and getting out of the card. “Have a nice weekend.”

“You too. Enjoy your time out here. And Erathis be with you.”

Yasha doesn’t really know how to respond to that so she just nods, closes the door and gives a wave as the car pulls back onto the road. One last honk and then it vanishes around the corner, leaving Yasha alone at the edge of the forest.

  


She calls Molly, leaning against the information board at the entrance of the trail. She’s almost sure he won’t pick up but just when she’s ready to just send him a voice message on Telegram, the line opens.

“Hey, Yash, what’s up?”

“Uhm...” She should’ve planned this better.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I kind of… I did a thing.”

“Okay...”

“I’ll be gone for the weekend.”

There’s just silence in response.

“Molly?”

“Yeah, sorry, I think I didn’t catch you there- you’re gone?”

“I took a train to Brendalwin”, she says. “And I’m gonna be hiking around the forest. I’ll be back on Sunday.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes”, she says instinctively but that’s a lie and she corrects herself after a pause. “No.” Another pause. “Maybe... I don’t know.”

“You’re not making a lot of sense right now, Yasha.” There’s a sound of panic in Molly’s voice and Yasha scolds herself for not doing this better.

“Molly, breathe”, she says. “You need to breathe.”

“Okay.” Very high-pitched, definitely panicked now.

“I needed a change of scenery, that’s all. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Yasha’s trying not to freak out too. “It was very spontaneous, I didn’t think I would actually do it. I’m safe, I’ll be staying at the huts, I have enough food...”

“Please don’t leave me.”

A sob.

_Oh._

Yasha is speechless for a moment.

“I- Molly, I would never- I am not leaving okay?” She takes a deep breath. “I will be back on Sunday. You will not be alone. You have Jester and Fjord and Beau, even if you don’t like her, and Nott and Caleb, if he’ll be there on Saturday. You will have dinner together. Maybe you can sleep over so you are not alone.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay...”

“This is nothing personal, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You know I love outdoors.”

“You hate the city.”

“The city has its advantages. I just needed to get out. There’s a lot on my mind right now.”

“Family stuff?”

“Family stuff. And other stuff.”

“Okay.”

Molly seems to have calmed down somewhat, which is a relief. She’s been there for him during a few panic attacks before and she would never want to be the cause of one.

“Molly?”, she asks.

“Yeah?”

“You are very important to me.”

Molly sniffs but she can almost hear his smile. “I love you too.”

“I will bring you some flowers.”

“I don’t need flowers”, Molly says, sounding almost indignant. “I just need you.”

“You’ll be fine. I will text Jester.”

“You also need to tell Beau you’re not helping her with dumpster diving”, Molly reminds her.

“Oh shit, yes. Thank you.” Yasha lets out a soft sigh. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in advance.”

“It’s okay. Next time you will.”

“Promise.”

“Go enjoy nature.”

“I will.” She smiles. “Say hi to the others. I’ll be back on Sunday before nightfall.”

They say their goodbyes and before she can overthink it too much she shoots a quick message to Beau, letting her know that she’s sorry but she won’t be around for dumpster diving today like she promised. Then she texts Jester too to tell her that she’s gone for the weekend and Molly might need some cheering up. Before any of them can text her back, she turns off her phone and slides it into her backpack. No need for that on the trail.

  


The sun comes out as the day nears noon and Yasha makes her way along the trail, just breathing and listening to the sounds of birds singing, insects buzzing along, a woodpecker drumming to attract mates.

The leftover leaves of last autumn are covering the path and as she walks, her boots kick up the material, attracting a curious bird that’s looking for food, probably seeds or insects on the newly stirred path. It follows her for quite a while but eventually flies off again. She thinks of Kiri and how curious and intelligent some birds can be.

It takes a while for her to get hungry and it catches her off-guard. She hasn’t felt truly hungry in a long time, not with her stomach rumbling and a deep yearning for food. It reminds her how truly lucky she is to have made it into the Dwendalian Empire.

  


She takes a break when she first breaks through the treeline. It’s not a mountainous area but there are certainly hills, and when the trail comes out of the forest and leads her onto a rocky outcropping she decides that this will be a good spot for lunchtime.

She hasn’t met a single person on the trail so far and it encourages her to just relax with the feeling that she most likely has the forest to herself, animals and insects not included. She pulls out a muesli bar and one of her water bottles, drinking a third of it, keeping in mind that the water has to last her for three days.

The thoughts in her head have quieted. She still thinks of her family but not with as much worry. Their situation is out of her control and worrying will get her absolutely nowhere. They sent her over the border so she could be safe, so she could have a future. They didn’t risk their lives so she would worry.

_Mother would want me to see the flowers. Father would want me to be happy. They would want me to be free._

Looking out over the valley, covered in treetops, Yasha smiles. She wishes, just for a second, that she could share this moment with someone. Molly, most likely.

Molly is the most important person in her life in the Empire and that is something that Yasha is just slowly beginning to realise. The phone call, a few hours ago now, is a reminder of that. She doesn’t really know what else to call him other than her best friend and her family but even those words don’t quite click with her.

If she were in love with him, it would be an easy choice of words. But she’s not and she doubts that after being such close friends for five years, she ever will be. And that’s okay. She loves Molly, just not romantically. And she finds it hard to express that sometimes.

It’s all a bit of a mess.

  


She takes another bite of her muesli bar, crumbling the packaging and stuffing it into the side pouch of her backpack. Then she pulls out her field guide.

There’s a small cluster of flowers with white petals and yellow dots on them and a reddish pink bud in the middle. She’s never seen them before, used to forest and lake flowers but not to anything that might be growing on more rocky terrain. Browsing through her book she finds it with the alpine flowers.

 _Starry Saxifrage_.

It takes her a second to connect the dots in her brain. Starry. Like a star. Her fingers carefully brush over the small petals. Hesitating for a moment, she pulls out her phone one more time, turning it back on. To her surprise she actually has signal up here and she’s immediately bombarded with messages. She very decisively swipes them all away without looking. Instead she takes a picture, as clear as she can get it with her crappy phone camera and sends it to Caleb.

‘ _Thank you for the book_ ’, she writes. ‘ _I_ _f_ _ound a starry saxifrage._ ’

The picture sent, her phone turned back off, she takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh of relief.

“Enough”, she says to herself. “Let’s go see some flowers.”


	9. and I will never see your interior whole [Beau]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Yasha is confused about a lot of things, including her own sexuality. Talking to Molly doesn't help much. She also misses the outdoors and while browsing for field guides in a second hand book store, she comes across Caleb. When she touches a seemingly sensitive subject, Caleb shuts down and doesn't show up at Queer Society the same week. Yasha decides to spontaneously go on an adventure and makes her way out into the wild on a hiking trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better late than never, right? I spent all day at a Permaculture seminar and I am just so tired but I promised myself I'd still update today so hopefully you'll all be happy to see this chapter. ;)

Something is off with Yasha. Beau can tell a nervous person when she sees one. But she still doesn’t know Yasha well enough to figure out what exactly is wrong. She’s trying to learn from her recent experience with Jester, but unlike Jes and very much like Beau herself, Yasha is great at putting up walls when she doesn’t want to talk about her feelings.

What Beau doesn’t expect is for Yasha to skip town spontaneously. It’s true that Yasha’s generally not around as much as Molly is, but she’s still a part of their friendship group and she’s at least always there for Saturday night plans, whether it’s dinner or movie night or something else.

So when Beau gets a cryptic message on Friday morning in which Yasha apologises for her absence and excuses herself from their dumpster diving plans, she gets suspicious.

_Beau: Wait what_

_Beau: What happened_

_Beau: Why are u not here_

_Beau: Are u okay_

_Beau: Yasha???_

Yasha doesn’t answer.

So Beau calls the one person who would most definitely know what’s going on with Yasha. But the call gets declined after a few rings, much to Beau’s irritation.

‘ _Whats going on w Yasha?’_ , she texts Molly, giving him the benefit of doubt which is that he could well be in class right now, like she should be; except she skipped her second one of the day and holed up in the library instead to work on a paper for said class.

‘ _Shes away fr zthe weeknd’_ , Molly replies.

Beau lets out a huff of breath. Well then. There’s a million questions on her mind in regard to that new tidbit of information but she decides to not pester Molly about it because he would ultimately realise that she’s got a major crush on Yasha and tease her relentlessly. It’s enough to have Jester on her back about that.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Since Yasha isn’t there, Beau does what she would probably never: She gets Caduceus’ number from Jester and calls him up. She _really_ doesn’t want to go dumpster diving alone

“Yes, hello?”

“Um, hi, it’s Beau from Queer Society.”

“Oh, hello Beauregard.” She can hear the smile in their voice, which is just for them. “What can I do for you?”

“What are you doing tonight?”, she asks. Only to cringe a moment later when she realises that she probably sounds like she’s propositioning them.

“Nothing much”, Deuces admits. “I was going to have a nice cup of tea and enjoy a good novel, but I imagine you have something else planned?”

“I was gonna go dumpster diving but my-” She hesitates for a second, unsure what to call Yasha. “-my friend bailed on me. So I was gonna ask if you wanted to come.”

“Oh, that’s nice.” Everything is always nice with Caduceus, Beau has learned over the past few weeks at Queer Society. “I certainly wouldn’t mind that. Where do you want to go?”

“Uhm...”, she says. “I’m not gonna discuss that over the phone. Y’know… For safety reasons?”

“Oh.” They sound surprised, as if they never considered the fact that someone could listen in on their conversation on the phone, discussing doing illegal stuff. Come to think of it, it’s a very Caduceus thing to do. They’re just _chill_.

“Do you wanna meet up around half nine at my flatshare and make plans?”, she suggests. “Do you even know where I live?”

“No, but I assumed you were going to tell me.” Beau can hear soft laughter.

“I’m gonna text you, okay?”

“Of course. And I will see you tonight, Beauregard. Thank you for inviting me along.”

“No problem, dude-” She flinches, catching her mishap. “Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Ah, it’s fine. Maybe you’ll remember next time.”

Beau’s tense shoulder sag. “Thanks, I- will do that. I’ll see you later then.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

She hangs up before she makes any more missteps and texts Caduceus her address. True to their form, they send back a peace sign emoji.

She’s not exactly sure what to think of them yet. They seem chill, kind of alternative but in a hippie way. Beau doesn’t necessarily go for that whole ‘grow your own food and love everyone’ shit, but Deuces has earned her respect by sharing a common interest that is kind of anti-establishment.

  


They end up going to two supermarkets that Beau hasn’t been, hauling the typical load of mostly fruits and vegetables home in their backpacks, trying not to look suspicious on the tram. Of course a two metre tall skinny person with a pastel pink mohawk isn’t exactly what you would call low-profile.

When they get to her flatshare, Molly, Calianna and Jester are in the living room watching some kitschy romance movie that Beau would probably never go for. They are spread out all over the sofa with Jester in the middle. Molly is lying down, head in Jester’s lap and their silver pronoun bracelet clearly visible on their arm. Their eyes are closed and Jester’s running her fingers absent-mindedly through their hair, hitting Beau with a surprising pang of jealousy. Calianna is curled up at the other end of the sofa, her crutches leaning on the coffee table and a blanket covering her. She looks like she might be sleeping.

“You’re back!” Jester smiles up at her and the jealousy evaporates.

“Yeah, uh- we’re gonna be in the kitchen for a while.” Beau jabs a thumb at her backpack and Caduceus, who’s following behind her.

“Hello Jester, Molly, Cali”, Caduceus greets them with their lazy smile. “You having a nice night in? What’re you watching?”

Beau continues on into the kitchen and leaves Caduceus with the pleasantries, instead unpacking the stuff that they got and filling the kitchen sink with warm water. The familiar voice of Jester and the slow lazy drawl of Caduceus filter into background noise. After a while, Molly joins in, sounding a bit hoarse.

She doesn’t really listen, just starts to clean, hoping Caduceus will join her without needing additional prompting. She starts off with a big bulk of apples, scrubbing them clean and stacking them on the drying rack.

There’s the creaking of wood floors behind her before- “Successful night?”

“Oh, you’re still up?” She turns to briefly glance at Fjord, wearing a tank top and sweatpants, barefoot as per usual. “Wanna help out?”

“Sure.” Fjord grabs a tea towel and starts drying off apples.

They work alongside each other quietly for a while, joined by Caduceus eventually who unpacks their backpack as well. The spoils get spread out on the kitchen counter and they divide it up, Caduceus taking as much as they need and the rest staying in the flat.

“I should get going”, they say, packing up their share in their slightly worn canvas backpack. “Thank you for inviting me along, Beau.”

“No problem- uhm- thanks for showing me some new spots. Let me know if you wanna do this again sometime.” She holds out a fist for them to bump but they just look at it very bewildered and then shake it. Beau is so confused that she forgets what to do next.

“Well, good night then”, Caduceus says with a smile, nodding at Fjord as well and then turning around to make their way through the living room, saying their goodbyes to the three people there as well before finding their way out.

“They’re kinda weird”, she says, then turns to look at Fjord. “Did you think that was weird?”

“Not beyond the usual awkward interactions you have with people”, Fjord replies with a shrug. “You’re gettin’ better at it. Makin’ friends and stuff.”

Beau groans, leaning against the fridge. “Not your stupid social analysis again.”

“I’m jus’ sayin’, you’re doin’ okay.” Fjord grins, popping a grape into his mouth. “Don’t even need to coach you any more.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

He gives her an unimpressed look.

“I’m gonna go take a shower”, she announces, shouldering her now empty backpack and wandering off into the back of the flatshare. “Night!”

“Sleep well!”, Jester calls after her but Beau just waves and disappears into her bedroom.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Saturdays are for sleeping in. At least for normal People. Beau is up with the sun, tying up her running shoes and stretching in the hallway. She likes these occasional mornings when her body decides that it’s totally fine to get up early and just _do_ stuff. She doesn’t even have to force it to put one foot in front of the other when she starts running down the street.

When the city walls of Zadash became useless as the city grew bigger and bigger, spreading out where it couldn’t go up any more, parts of it were torn down, and in a desperate attempt to bring more green into the city, they were turned into a green belt that ran through the entire city. It’s the best place to run uninterrupted in the city without constantly stopping for traffic.

There are a few joggers up this early but not many. Beau passes most of them easily, only stopping at the drinking fountain near the Northern Gate to get some water. She doesn’t run the whole circle, cutting off halfway through and making her way back through the Tri Spire.

It’s still fairly quiet in the financial district of the city and Beau enjoys doing a bit of parkour in this part of town as long as there’s no security around the shopping centres yet. They usually ruin all the fun, trying to keep her from back-flipping off of the building walls, sliding down the handrails of staircases leading down to the metro and doing barrel rolls over benches. The smooth walls of the buildings here aren’t as easy to scale as the brick buildings in the Innerstead area but sometimes there are ledges she can just reach when she jumps high enough, pulling herself up to the chin, slapping a sticker to the wall and then jumping back down again. And she runs. And flips. And leaps.

In a way she does it as a silent _fuck you_ to the wealthy people of Zadash. Disrupting their orderly ways, defiling public property- she always carries a few stickers. If she were a bit more artistic she would do stencil graffiti, but that’s more up Jester’s alley. In fact, she is pretty sure that Jester actually does have some Traveler stencils somewhere, she’s just not spotted them before.

From the Tri Spire it’s not too far of a jog back into the Innerstead area, the architecture changing from sleek and modern concrete and marble to old brick and half-timbered buildings. On the Pentamarket vendors are setting up their stalls and it smells of fresh baked goods. If she weren’t so sweaty from her run and had actual money on her, Beau would probably get some bread rolls for breakfast. Jester would love that.

  


Instead she returns home, pulling out the key to the front door from her running belt pack, taking the stairs up to the second floor easily and unlocking the door to the flat. There’s conversation floating out from the kitchen and Fjord’s bedroom door is slightly ajar, so he must already be up. She toes off her running shoes and slips into the living room.

The voices from the kitchen are definitely the low drawl of Fjord, but also- to her surprise- the teasing lilt of Mollymauk. When she peeks into the half-opened door she can spot him leaning against the kitchen counter, wearing boxers and a t-shirt, no bracelet in sight.

“C’mon, Fjord, you gotta be at least a little bit bi”, he says with a grin. “We had fun last week...”

“I honestly don’t mind kissin’ people, it’s all the same to me. But the romantic feelings- only women.” Fjord sounds amused rather than annoyed by the conversation topic. “You know I’m not interested in sex anyway, so what’s your point?”

Beau gags, not wanting to hear any more of the two of them having this weirdly flirty conversation in the kitchen, and quickly moves on to the bathroom to take a shower.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Molly and Fjord have started preparing what looks like breakfast or brunch in the living room when she comes back, freshly dressed in dark blue harem pants and a grey crop-top.

“Mornin’”, she says, brushing past them into the kitchen. “We havin’ breakfast together?”

“Thought so”, Fjord replies. “Jes is off to get fresh baked goods.”

“Figures.”

Beau fills herself a glass full of orange juice and downs it, fills it back up with water and downs that too. Eventually she turns around to face both Fjord and Molly.

“You and Jes had a sleepover?”, she asks, looking at Molly to see if she can see any hickeys. Jester is under no obligation to tell her what she might or might not be doing with other people and if she’s honest, Beau doesn’t care much. Except for when it’s Molly. Molly is… he’s her polar opposite. She doesn’t want to be put in one category with Molly. Ever. Not even if that category is ‘Occasionally making out and having sex with Jester Lavorre’.

Molly shrugs in reply. “Didn’t want to go home. There’s no-one there.”

Oh. Right. Yasha.

Yasha is gone for the weekend.

Molly lives with Yasha.

In a crappy tiny shoebox apartment in the shitty part of town.

“Fair enough”, Beau replies and, trying to stay casual, continues on: “Where’s Yasha anyway?”

“Camping trip.”

“In Unndilar?”

“She’s used to the cold. It’s good weather for hiking.” He shrugs again as if he’s not quite sure what to think of it. “She needs this.”

Looking closer, he looks tired, as if he’s had a bad night, and not in a sexual way. Just in a generally mental way. Fjord gets those occasionally, with nightmares that keep him up, that he won’t talk about.

He must really take this whole Yasha-being-away thing hard, so Beau resists teasing him about it, instead trying to think of something nice to say, something uplifting.

“Well, she’ll be back by Sunday”, she offers.

“Yeah”, Molly huffs, turning around and wandering back into the living room.

Fjord sends her a wordless glare and gesture that seem to say ‘ _What are you doing?_ ’ but she just pulls a face right back at him. She’s _trying_. At least she’s not being outright rude.

  


Jester comes back with a box full of doughnuts and a bag of various bread rolls and croissants soon after. Beauregard is pretty sure that Jester would not have a baked goods budget even if she knew how budgeting worked. Not that Beau herself is any better at it.

In a rare moment of having a free morning, they sit around the dining table, the conversation flowing around the current events happening around Zadash for pride month, a concert later that day which Molly and Jester want to attend.

“What about dinner tonight?”, Beau asks before stuffing her mouth with the rest of her croissant.

“Oh, Nott texted me last night”, Jester says as if it were common knowledge. “Caleb’s still not feeling well, so they’re not coming tonight. We’re probably just going to have something small and then go to the concert.”

Beauregard’s eyebrows raise up.

“Did you know about this?”, she asks Fjord.

“Yeah?”, he says, shrugging. “We talked about it briefly yesterday.”

“Why did no-one tell me?” She turns back to Jester. “Are you just gonna make decisions without me now, if I’m not around?”

“I figured you wouldn’t care either way”, Jester replies, pouting. “You’re always grumpy when we have people over.”

“I am not- you know what? Fine.” Beau grabs a doughnut. “Cancel group dinner. Go to your concert. I’m just gonna… make other plans.”

“You can come with us”, Jester offers. “Fjord is coming too.”

Beau just grumbles in return but it’s neither a yes or no. She doesn’t really want to go out to a concert, stand in line for a really long time and then be in a room filled with people that are pushing together towards a stage where a band is playing songs that you don’t actually know way too loud. On the other hand she does not want to stay at home and be boring.

She needs an alternative plan.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Luckily, the plan comes to her without any effort from her. In fact, it comes in form of a text from Caleb.

_Caleb: Good morning, Beauregard. Do you get free access to the historical archives of the Cobalt Soul?’_

_Beau: Yeah why?_

_Beau: Whats up? Thought u were sick?_

_Caleb: I am not feeling up for much socialising, that is all._

_Caleb: I need access to the archives, though._

_Beau: Ah gotcha. Yknow u can get access lk a normal person?_

_Caleb: They won’t let me browse and getting the information I need will take weeks at their speed._

_Beau: Nothing you can just google?_

_Caleb: Believe me, if this were google-able I would’ve not texted you._

Beau snorts at the term. _Google-able_. Only Caleb would invent such a term for his convenience in expression.

_Beau: So u just need me as a way in?_

_Caleb: Can you bring people in?_

_Beau: Can you be quiet and not touch anything with sticky fingers?_

_Caleb: Of course._

_Beau: Then I can get u in._

_Beau: When do u need to do this?_

_Caleb: Uhm._

_Caleb: Today?_

Beau almost wants to curse at him because it’s the fucking weekend and she really has better stuff to do than hang around the archives for most of her day. But then again, she doesn’t have any plans. And she’s kind of curious as to what Caleb needs to get from the archives so urgently.

_Beau: Sure._

_Caleb: Thank you._

_Beau: One condition._

_Caleb: Yes?_

_Beau: You buy me lunch._

_Beau: Knowing youre gonna be in there for a long time._

_Caleb: Deal._

They agree on a time and place to meet, not too far away, and Beau starts packing her drawstring bag with the essentials. She doesn’t know where Jester and Molly have gone off to but when she crouches down in the hallway to tie her shoes, Fjord spots her through the open door of his bedroom.

“You’re off too?”, he asks.

“Yeah”, she says. “Study group.”

He gives her a look that says that he doesn’t quite believe her but he doesn’t comment on it.

“Well, have fun I guess.”

“Only nerds enjoy studying”, she replies, pulls on her bomber jacket and opens the front door. “Bye!”

  


Caleb is already waiting for her in front of the Historical Museum that is run by the Cobalt Soul, the same organisation that runs Beauregard’s scholarship program.

They used to be an actual order of monks that followed Ioun, the goddess of knowledge and skill. Nowadays they are merely an organisation that specialises in historical research and education, sponsoring promising students with an interest in historical and political pursuits. Their former temple and library now acts as a museum and archive where people of the general public can learn about the Empire’s history and Academy students pursuing a degree in history can access original documents from years long gone by.

“’Sup”, Beau greets Caleb, hands stuffed in the pockets of her jacket.

“Hello”, he says, awkwardly shuffling in place as if he’s unsure about how exactly to greet her. “Thank you, _ähm_ \- for doing this on such short notice.”

“Ah, not like I had anything better to do with my day”, Beau says and shrugs. “So what’s this about. Not that I’m doin’ anything illegal by getting you in there, just expediting the process, but… yeah. What’re you looking for?”

“I- _ähm…_ There are some original notebooks of quantum physicists...”

Beau raises her eyebrows. “Okay, you know what, that sounds fine, I don’t need to know more.” No need to hear the life story of some boring physicists.

“Good”, Caleb mutters, letting out a breath he seems to have held in.

“C’mon.”

Beau bumps his shoulder with hers and proceeds on into the museum, hearing his hasty steps behind her.

  


Entry into the History Museum of Zadash is free. There are several donation boxes at the entry and an information desk that Beau bypasses, taking her by now well-known route through several exhibition rooms to the back of the building.

They do these “workshop days” for scholarship holders of the Cobalt Soul every month or so. It’s a requirement to participate, which is the only reason why Beau ever goes, and it’s mostly organising files and learning the system of the archives.

Luckily, this means that Beau knows the archives fairly well by now. She approaches the smaller help desk in the back of the museum and flashes her student ID.

“I’m looking for some documents in the archives”, she says. “Writing a group paper with this one, wanna get my facts right.” She jabs her thumb at Caleb behind her.

Caleb quickly fumbles for his student ID as well but the girl behind the desk barely pays him any mind.

“You’re one of the scholarship students, right?”, she asks Beau instead, looking at her curiously. “I’ve only ever seen you on workshop days.”

“Yeah, well, lots of other stuff going on, can’t exactly hang around the archives all the time.” Beau tries hard not to roll her eyes, instead covertly scans the girl’s nameplate. _Jennah_.

“Alright, so you know the drill. I need you to sign in here, does your friend need any instructions?”

“Nah, he’s cool.”

“I- _ähm_ \- I work at a library”, Caleb offers. “I would assume- similar rules?”

“No food, no touching original documents unless you use the provided gloves, no photographs, copies need to be made by an archivist only and yes, your typical library rules would also apply- no running, no shouting, no phonecalls.”

Jennah has taken out a clipboard with a sign-in sheet and hands it to Beau.

“Do I need to- to sign in, too?”, Caleb asks and Beau can sense a brief hesitation in his voice.

Luckily, Jennah doesn’t seem as perceptive, already turning back to her computer.

“No, one signature is fine”, she says, sounding almost bored. “I saw your ID, she’s vouching for you.”

Beau quickly scribbles down her signature on the sheet and hands it back over the counter. “Done.”

“Okay, enjoy your time down there.”

Jennah presses some kind of buzzer behind the counter and the door at the far side of the room unlocks with a click. Beau quickly strides over, holding it open for Caleb who follows her. When the door falls shut behind them, he lets out a deep breath.

“Whoa, you nervous?”, Beau aks. “Everything’s cool, man.”

“ _J-ja_. I’m good.”

“Alright then, let’s go.”

And they descend the stairs, down into the archives of the Cobalt Soul.

  


Beau navigates the Archives fairly easily but Caleb surprises her by picking up on the organisational system way quicker than she ever did, finding things before she can even point out where they might be and browsing through documents with a rapid speed.

He has an old notebook with him that is practically falling apart at the bindings, in which he occasionally jots down a few things, but most of the time he’s just reading.

Beau leaves him alone after she’s realised she’s of absolutely no help to him other than the fact that she’s gotten him into the archives, and starts digging through the archives for documents on the Lionett family to keep her from getting bored.

  


Her family’s ancestry dates back centuries. She knows this because whenever her father would dictate her into his office because she’d gotten into trouble again, the tapestry with the family tree would hang on the wall behind him, looming over them.

She absolutely hated it.

Still does, actually. But she’s not living with them any more, so she doesn’t really have to think about it too much. The last time she talked to her mother was when she called Beau on her birthday back in Horisal. She hasn’t been back home in Kamordah since she left to attend the Academy with nothing but her backpack full of things. Everything in Zadash is her own life, no strings attached.

  


There’s not a lot of Lionett history in the Cobalt Soul archives but the one thing she finds is a collection of letters between one J. Lionett and the Monks of the Cobalt Soul concerning his “troublesome daughter”, asking them to take her in for “disciplinary actions and reformation”. Later letters from the monks describe the girl to be “disregarding authority” and “not paying attention in lectures” but “showing promising progress in her training in the Way of the Cobalt Soul”.

Beau can’t help but smirk at this titbit of information she’s gleaming from a few letters on a girl that very much sounds like her. Knowing that there was a young Lionett woman years who seemed to be just as rebellious and thick-headed as her almost makes her proud.

  


She returns to Caleb after an hour, almost like she left him, pouring over ancient tomes and very old notebooks that look eerily similar to the one he’s writing in.

“Find anything interesting?”, she asks.

Caleb almost jumps out of his chair, his pencil dropping to the floor and his hands shaking.

“ _Himmelherrgottverdammt!_ ”, he curses. “You- you are very quiet.”

“Sorry”, Beau says, not really feeling sorry at all. “Just wanted to check how things are going. You hungry yet?”

Caleb glances at his wrist watch, something that Beau doesn’t even own.

“We can come back after lunch”, she adds. “Because I’m starving and you look like you could use a decent meal too.”

“I’m not hungry”, Caleb mutters.

“Well you’re paying for my lunch so you kinda have to come with. Also it’s not healthy to stay down here with the smells and the artificial light for too long. C’mon, nerd brain.”

  


They go to a small café not too far from the museum, Caleb ordering a tea while Beau chooses a sandwich, chips and orange juice.

“So what’re you working on?”, she asks after taking a first sip from her juice.

Caleb carefully stirs sugar and milk into his tea and finally replies: “My PhD.”

“You’re still in your master’s programme.”

“ _Ja_ , I know. It is a side project. For after I finish my master’s.”

“How?”

“Sorry, what?”

“How can you think about stuff like that when you’re still- listen, I’ll probably never understand so just...”

“I like studying”, Caleb says, briefly raising the cup of tea to his lips, only to put it back down. “It is the one thing I am good at so I will probably just keep doing that.”

“So you’ll do your master’s. And then your PhD. And then...”

“Become a professor. Teach. Maybe another PhD.”

“Damn”, Beau mutters, playing with the jade bracelet around her wrist. “Is it just physics or…?”

“Or what?”

“Are you good at studying in general or are you good at studying physics?”, she specifies.

“ _Ähm…_ the first I think?”, Caleb replies, still looking kind of confused. “I chose physics because- well, it was my favourite subject at school. But languages are also interesting.”

“Ah, right.” Beau nods. “Zemnian. And Common.”

“A little bit Xhorhasian too. Oh, and Sylvan.”

“Sylvan? Isn’t that a dead language?”

“ _Äh- ja._ ” Caleb nods. “I just learned it for fun.”

Beau just wordlessly blinks at Caleb.

“You can say it”, he offers, finally taking a sip from his tea. “I’m crazy. I know.”

“Noooo”, Beau says, her sarcastic tone very obvious.

She loves learning but Caleb is a whole new level of academic addiction. For a brief moment she wonders if there is anything else in Caleb’s life other than university and learning. Maybe the Queer Society and their Saturday Night dinners really are the only thing outside of that for him. Plus, he apparently works at a library, but that barely counts. Surrounded by books, making sure other students keep quiet- it fits the image that Beau has of Caleb in her mind.

  


Her sandwich and chips arrive at this very moment and she hungrily dives in, the silence stretching between them. Caleb sips his tea and she eats. Halfway through her sandwich she pushes the basket of chips over into the middle of the table.

“Eat”, she says.

Caleb sighs, then puts down his cup. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I-” He sighs again, scratching his head. “I rather not eat greasy food.”

“Why not?”, Beau repeats. She knows she’s a bit of an asshole, not letting it go, but Caleb’s a mystery to her and she wants to figure him out.

He just stares back at her, frowning.

“Anxiety”, he finally says as she finishes her sandwich and pulls the basket of chips back to her side of the table. “It’s… weird.”

Oh.

Of course.

“No, yeah, I get that”, she replies quickly. “Is it just greasy foods or…?”

“Greasy, creamy… There is a lot. I usually eat fresh fruit and dry bread.” Caleb runs his finger along the rim of his teacup now. Round and round and round.

“Is that why you didn’t want to come to dinner tonight?”

“It is- a part of it. There’s also just a lot of people. It is very overwhelming sometimes.”

“Gotcha.”

They fall silent again, Beau finishing off her chips.

“You know you can tell us these things, right?”, she says when the basket is empty, wiping her fingers on a napkin. “Anxiety is not a thing to be ashamed about. It sucks and it holds you back but believe me- the others would understand too. Remember your first dinner at our place, when Nott came out to everyone? Nobody will judge you. If you need a break from the group, that’s fine. Just be honest about it.”

“I’d rather- not talk about it”, Caleb blurts out. “At all.”

She looks at him, trying to process what he’s telling her. He very obviously does not like attention and he doesn’t want his anxiety to be a big discussion in the group. She gets that, she wouldn’t want her own issues on display for all their friends to pick apart either. But it’d be nice to know if there was something they could do. Since they are that – friends.

“Okay”, she finally says. “Let’s get back to the archives.”

“Yes, please.”

Caleb pulls out his wallet and flags down the waitress to pay for their lunch. They gather their things and Beau leads the way out, back to the archives. Caleb will talk if he wants to. For now she knows it’s best to just leave him to himself.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


They stay at the archives until one of the people working there ushers them out. Beau is bored out of her mind at this point, while Caleb seems more reluctant to leave. They are back in front of the Historical Museum, Beau with her hands stuffed in the pockets of her jacket, Caleb awkwardly shuffling around.

“We’re gonna go for dinner”, she decides.

It’s not part of their deal but she _wants_ to do this. This Saturday, this whole weekend is already chaotic as it is, she might as well go out to dinner with Caleb. She’s hungry, she’s in a mood and Caleb is the only person who seemingly wants to hang out with her right now, so she’s forcing him into some extra time. He owes her anyway, they spent the entire day at the archives. It’s only fair they spend some time doing stuff that she likes.

“ _Was?_ ”, Caleb replies, sounding appropriately confused. “ _Äh_ \- Nott is- she is waiting for me.”

“Text her. Tell her we’re going for dinner. Maybe she wants to join.”

“I don’t have any-”

“Relax, Widogast. I’m paying. Come on.” She jerks her head into the direction she wants to go and starts walking. After a few seconds, she can hear Caleb’s hasty steps behind her as he catches up with her.

“D’you like sushi?”, she asks, pulling out her phone to text Jester that she’s definitely not coming to the concert because she has plans with friends. She doesn’t say which friends. She knows she’s being kind of petty. “It’s not very greasy. If not, you can just have miso soup, that always works.”

“I- okay?”, Caleb replies. He too has his phone out. “Where are we going? Nott wants to know.”

Beau spells the address out for him and he quickly types on his phone, an old and beaten-up block phone.

“You’re still in the past century, huh?”, she says. “Haven’t seen one of those in ages.” She gestures at his phone.

“It- it is reliable”, is all Caleb replies.

“Sure.” Beau rounds a corner and goes down a staircase to a lower part of town.

There, in the small alleyways, tucked between a laundromat and an apothecary is a sushi restaurant. It’s tiny and dingy and they have to squish into a corner at a table for four, but it’s one of her favourite finds in the city. She’d discovered it while on a run, and it’d smelled so good from the outside.

“I don’t- I have never had sushi before”, Caleb says quietly as they settle down.

“Just get a small maki roll platter”, Beau instructs him. “If raw fish doesn’t sit right with you, try the vegetarian options. Or if you want, you can have miso soup.”

“What’s in it?”

“Vegetables? Noodles? It’s mostly broth.”

“Oh- okay.”

Beau’s phone buzzes and it’s Nott, demanding to see the menu of the place, so she snaps a picture of it and sends it to her via Telegram.

_Nott: Thx_

_Nott: Ill have a big maki roll platter and some tempura_

_Nott: Is Caleb okay_

_Beau: Hes fine, he just hasn eaten all day_

_Beau: Ill try and feed him miso soup_

_Nott: Be there in a few_

The waitress comes and Beau orders two maki roll platters, one for herself and one for Nott, the tempura for Nott and some miso soup.

“I will- I will have some miso soup as well”, Caleb says, still staring at the menu.

“And a small vegetarian maki roll platter”, Beau adds. Caleb throws her a weird look. “I’m paying”, she reminds him.

“All right”, the waitress says, still cheerful despite the fact that she’s probably been working since the restaurant opened. “There’s some fresh green tea if you’d like- on the house?”

“Sure.”

The waitress walks off and Beau leans back in her tiny, wobbly chair, against the wall.

“Why are you doing this?”, Caleb asks her. “I am a- a grown man. I can take care of myself.”

“Too bad”, Beau replies. “I care about you too much now, you can’t back out.” Caleb gives her a blank look. “Don’t tell the others.”

He sighs and folds his hands in front of him.

“You know, this kind of comes with the territory”, she explains. “Especially if you hang out with people like Jester and Molly. They care. A lot. Me? Not so much.”

“Is this your way of telling me I’m special?”, Caleb huffs.

“It’s my way of telling you we’re friends”, she replies and leans back forward because the waitress comes over with two small porcelain bowls and a tea pot.

  


They drink in silence and are still sitting together when Nott comes in, hood over her head as per usual, trying to look inconspicuous. Beau waves her over and she quickly dashes in between the small tables, scrambling onto the chair next to Caleb.

“Hi”, she says, her voice wobbling a bit. “Caleb?”

She reaches over and puts a hand on his arm and they seem to have a silent conversation, just between the two of them.

“I’m fine”, Caleb mutters and she nods, seemingly content with what she sees, before turning to Beau.

“Before you say anything, yes, I am paying”, Beau quickly say. “And yes, I am doing this without any catch, it’s simply because we’re friends and I care.”

“Don’t tell the others”, Caleb adds helpfully and Beau isn’t sure if she’s just seeing things or there’s actually a small smile playing on his lips.

Nott looks very suspicions but still nods.

“So, what’ve you been up to?”, Beau asks her.

“Video games”, Nott replies.

“Cool, what’cha playing?”

Nott needs little probing, launches into a list of her favourite video games and most of what she talks about goes straight over Beau’s head. But she fills the quiet at the table and Caleb doesn’t seem to be bothered by her, in fact he rather loosens up in her presence, smiles a bit more and doesn’t sit as hunched over.

Eventually their food comes and while Beau and Nott quickly devour their maki platters, Caleb carefully sips on his miso soup.

“This is very good”, he finally says. “It is good vegetable soup.”

“It’s the best”, Beau replies. “It’s awesome if you’re sick. You know, with a cold?”

“ _Ah, ja._ ” Caleb nods.

“Do you wanna try your maki rolls too, Caleb?”, Nott asks, hungrily eyeing his small vegetarian platter.

“May- maybe just one.”

He puts down his bowl of soup and takes one of the small rolls with avocado and mushroom, dipping it into soy sauce and eating it. He chews, slowly, carefully, and Nott and Beau both watch him curiously.

“Maybe one more.”

Slowly, one by one, Caleb eats the entirety of his small platter. Beau’s almost proud of herself that she got the guy, who refused to eat anything about six hours ago, to eat a bowl of miso soup and a small sushi platter. Nott doesn’t seem too disappointed either, turning her attention to her tempura instead.

They don’t comment on it. They eat mostly in silence and Beau pays at the front, not letting them see the check, and they walk back to the nearest tram station together and when her tram comes, Caleb turns to her and gives her the probably most awkward hug she’s had in months.

“Thank you”, he mutters, hiding his face behind his scarf, which is slowly becoming too warm for this weather.

“No problem, man”, Beau replies just as awkwardly. “See ya on Thursday, I guess?”

They both nod and she gives them a half-hearted salute before stepping on the tram. It’s weird, but it’s also kind of nice and Beau doesn’t know just when she started to care about people but she has a faint feeling that it’s a repercussion of her and Jester’s argument last week. Maybe she’s finally letting down her walls.

Just a bit.


	10. I'm coming back to you and I won't let go again [Yasha]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Beau feels like everyone's ditching her. Half of their group is MIA, Jester and Molly have other plans for their Saturday night and she goes dumpster diving with Caduceus instead of Yasha. Luckily, Caleb provides the perfect distraction from a boring Saturday, asking for help in his quest to gather some information from the Cobalt Soul Archives. In the end she ends up with Saturday dinner after all- just with Caleb and Nott and Sushi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally back! Our Internet was gone for quite a few weeks and should have been back last week but then our provider messed up but now I'm finally here... Chapter 10 at last, un-beta-ed because the lovely Ray is just as busy as I, if not busier. I'm trusting myself on this chapter though, it's been lying around for quite some time and I didn't want to leave you all hanging around another week.

It’s a good weekend. An escape that she desperately needed, a literal and figurative breath of fresh air. The first night she spends by herself in a small hut on the top of a hill, shaded by some rocks and fir trees. It has four spaces for sleeping, a wood oven and aside from an outhouse not much more.

Despite getting the fire going fairly well in the evening, she wakes up in the cold to a dying hearth. It’s not freezing, but it’s uncomfortable and looking outside she can see the first colours of dawn on the horizon. So she packs up her things, uses the outhouse, drinks a bit of her carefully rationed water and gets going on her second day.

  


Even the cold and the clouds hanging over the forest can’t change her good mood. The sun is slowly rising in her back and she finds herself singing quietly under her breath, a Xhorhasian folk song that her mother had taught her as a child. It’s about the wilderness and the need to wander and see the world and she thinks that when her mother taught her these songs, she never would’ve guessed how far Yasha would actually wander.

And it’s as if a switch has been flipped. There’s tears streaming down her face and she stumbles through the last line and then stops. Stops singing, stops walking, just stands in the middle of the forest and cries.

She doesn’t even know why exactly. It’s not bad but not good either. It’s a relief, as if all that she’s been holding in during these past few months is being washed away. Her worries over her family, her confusing thoughts about liking boys or girls, her complicated but welcome new friendships...

She cries until all her tears are dried out and then she takes a deep breath in, lets it back out, drinks some more water and carries on.

  


She finds wildflowers and collects a few of them to press between the pages of her field guide. She sits at a small stream running down the hill and lets her feet dangle in the cold water. She looks up at the trees and down at the ground, watching birds search for food, squirrels chase each other from branch to branch. She spots a doe several metres away and they stare at each other quietly for a while, before the doe jumps away, into the depths of the forest.

In the afternoon she finally meets another person on the trail, an older man with dark brown skin and his tight curls an eerie white. He introduces himself as Shakäste and turns out to be a retired professor who used to teach religious studies at the Academy. When she asks him about which of the Gods he follows, he just laughs but doesn’t answer.

They stay at the same hut that night, a bigger one that can host up to 14 people and has two rooms for sleeping as well as a common area where Yasha gets a fire going in the oven while Shakäste makes tea on his small camping cooker. He talks about his travels he’s been doing since his retirement, all over Wildemount. Yasha in return tells him about Xhorhas and her experience of the cultural difference coming into the Dwendalian Empire. They share their dinner and Yasha has to admit that something warm to eat in the evening is actually quite nice.

  


Sleeping in a small cot in a hut surrounded by trees, she dreams of her friends. She dreams of Molly kissing her forehead, of Jester teaching Kiri how to say her name, of making Pelmeni in a kitchen with Fjord. She wanders through an endless bookstore, looking for Caleb, but only finds Nott hiding in one of the top shelves. She lies in a meadow at the top of the hill, a soft wind blowing through the high grass and the flowers around her, and there’s Beau, lying next to her, an arm thrown around her, smiling at her. Yasha rolls over to her side, tugs her closer, buries her face in her silky brown hair. And then she wakes up.

She stares at the ceiling, huddled in her sleeping bag and staring at the ceiling. She lets herself think of Beau for a moment, just imagines what hugging her, holding her, would feel like. Maybe she would like that. Maybe Beau would be soft. Maybe Yasha would fall in love with her.

For a moment she lingers in that remembrance of a dream, before she gets up, crawling out of her sleeping bag and pulling on her hoodie. It’s not as cold as the morning before, but it’s still chilly. It’s going to be a good day.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Meeting Shakäste is quite a stroke of luck for her as he gives her a lift right back into Zadash on Sunday afternoon and turns down all her attempts at paying him back. She drags herself up to her and Molly’s tiny flat and is greeted by the smell of food wafting out into the hallway.

When she unlocks the door, she can barely drop her backpack before Molly jumps out of the kitchen and up at her, clinging to her like one of the baby monkeys they’ve seen at the zoo, his legs scrabbling around her waist. She doesn’t quite know how to react but she doesn’t want him to drop to the floor, so she wraps her arms around him in return.

“Missed you”, he mumbles, his voice muffled against her neck.

“I know”, she says in return. “I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t ever leave like that again.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

“Are you two done making out?”, comes a familiar voice from the kitchen and Yasha blushes, as if she’s been caught in the act, and almost drops Molly.

He slips out of her arms by himself, landing back on his feet.

“We’re not making out”, he says indignantly.

Beauregard is leaning in the kitchen door, a smug grin on her face. It’s nothing like the soft smile from Beau in her dream and that’s all it takes to get Yasha back to reality. It was just that- just a dream, and it doesn’t mean anything and it probably won’t happen again.

Beau is immediately shoved to the side by a squealing Jester who doesn’t jump like Molly, but more accurately barrels into Yasha with a hug that almost knocks the wind out of her. She gasps for air and when she’s caught her breath again, she lightly puts her arms around Jester in return.

“Is everyone here?”, she asks, very confused.

“Just those two”, Molly explains. “Fjord had other things to do. And I don’t think Caleb or Nott even know that you were gone.”

“Caleb knows”, Beau and Yasha say almost simultaneously and then look at each other in surprise.

“I messaged him about some flowers”, Yasha explains. “We- we had talked about that. Before. Last week.”

“I helped him study on Saturday”, Beauregard retorts. “Went to the archives.”

Jester and Molly look back and forth between their friends, very confused. A moment of awkward silence fills the hallway and Yasha is the first one to break it. 

“I’m going to go- shower”, she says abruptly, picking her backpack up again. “Thank you- for coming.”

“Dinner will be ready when you’re done!”, Jester calls after her as she slips into her bedroom.

  


It’s strange, coming home after two days of hiking to her friends waiting for her with dinner. She takes a quick shower, her hair bundled up so it doesn’t get wet, and throws on some blessedly fresh clothes.

Molly, Jester and Beau have prepared pasta with vegetable tomato sauce for dinner and they eat like they usually do in their tiny kitchen: On the floor. Molly and Jester talk a whole lot about the concert they seemingly went to the previous night, while Beau remains strangely quiet. 

Yasha catches her staring a few times but she doesn’t really know why. She probably thinks that Yasha is weird, just going on a hiking trip out of the blue without telling her friends.

“I- I’m sorry I-” She looks to Molly for assistance with finding the right word. “How do you say the thing that means ‘didn’t show up’?”

“Bailed?”

“Yes, that.” She nods and turns back to Beau. “I am sorry I bailed on dumpster diving, Beauregard.”

If anything, Beau looks surprised. “Oh.”

“That wasn’t very cool of me”, Yasha adds.

“Uhhhh”, Beau says. “It’s fine. I asked Caduceus instead.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Yasha doesn’t quite know how to feel about that. On the one hand she’s glad Beau isn’t mad at her and actually found someone else to go dumpster diving with. On the other hand she suddenly feels like she missed out, like she could’ve done something cool with Beau but instead decided to go hiking in the woods for two days.

“Do you still want to-”, she starts hesitantly.

“What? Oh- yeah- huh?”

“I mean- I’m not going to go hiking again next weekend.”

Ohhh, yeah, yeah, sure.”

Molly groans. “Gods, you two are still awkward as fuck.”

Beau whips around at him. “Fuck you, Molly!”

Yasha can’t help the chuckle. It’s kind of funny how Beau can go from very awkward to very rude in the blink of an eye or in this case, with a jab from Mollymauk.

And in a weird way, she’s missed this. Molly and Beau’s bickering, Jester’s laughter, just having them all around. She leans back against the fridge and watches them with a soft smile.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


After Beau and Jester have left, Yasha starts cleaning up in the kitchen. They have such a small space that dirty dishes pile up quickly and it always looks messy if you don’t clean up immediately afterwards. Molly grabs a tea towel and helps, so they’re done fairly quickly.

She can tell he wants to say something but can’t convince himself to do so because he falls unusually quiet as they work and when she’s done, she turns around, arms crossed, looking at him.

“What’s wrong?”

Molly glances over from putting away the plates. “Nothing.”

“You’re quiet and thinking”, Yasha observes. “What are you thinking about?”

“You”, he replies quietly. “Me. Us.”

“Oh.”

This is not what she intended to dig up. They’ve talked about this before, Molly freely throwing around the words ‘I love you’ while Yasha struggles with expressing her fondness of her friends. She knows they don’t think about their friendship the same way, gets the feeling that sometimes Molly wants more but she doesn’t know what more there is. She cares about him and they are friends but… that’s all there is to it, right?

“Nothing bad.”

“I just mean… Molly, you know I don’t-”

“-feel that way about me, yeah, I know.”

“Do you-?”

“I don’t know.”

Molly puts away the tea towel and now they’re just standing in the kitchen, awkwardly, having this weird conversation. About them. About what they are. About what this is.

She knows this would happen eventually. They would become closer and closer and eventually things would get weird. Feelings would pop up that would change things between them. And in this ever-changing world, Molly is the one constant she has. She doesn’t want to loose that. She doesn’t want to loose him. She doesn’t want change.

Yasha can feel her hands start to sweat and her body is shaking and she needs to get away and-

“Yasha, breathe!” Molly grabs her by the shoulders. “Come on, breathe in, hold it, breathe out- just like me...”

She mimics him and it helps her calm down a little bit but there’s so many thoughts running through her head and-

“I think I like girls”, she blurts out. She doesn’t even know why she said it. It sounds like she’s trying to defend herself in this situation. She doesn’t want it to come out like that but it does.

“That’s okay”, Molly says.

“Just girls”, she clarifies.

“Good.”

“I’m sorry.” She steps back, her back hitting the fridge, her hands flying up to cover her mouth. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

“Yasha!”, Molly interrupts her string of apologies. “I’m not going to hurt you. I won’t do anything you don’t want. It’s _okay_.” 

She lets the sentences run through her brain, tries to comprehend them.

It’s okay.

It’s _okay_.

“Do you wanna sit down?”, Molly asks. “Maybe in your room?”

Yasha just nods and lets him lead her, through the small hallway and into her bedroom. They sit down together on her twin-size bed, leaning with their backs against the wall, feet dangling off the mattress.

“What are you afraid of?”, Molly asks.

She hesitates with her answer. “I… you...” She shakes her head.

“Will it help if I explain what I was thinking about?”

A nod.

“Okay.” Molly folds his hands in his lap. “You know I always say I love you, right? What I mean is that you are very important to me and I care about you a lot. I am not in love with you. I know what romantic feelings are like for me and this is not it.”

Yasha lets out a breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.

“But I care, Yash. It’s important for me to know what’s going on with you. I want to be close to you, not just cuddling and stuff. I want you to tell me before you run off into the woods.”

His small laugh is more half-hearted and Yasha carefully reaches out, taking his hand from where it’s lying on top of the bed into her still-shaking one.

“You’re my family”, she says. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t- I wanted to do this by myself.”

“Oh Yash.” He looks so sad. “I don’t ever want you to feel like I am holding you back. I want- I want you to feel like you don’t have to hide from me. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Molly’s thumb is brushing over the back of her hand and it’s calming her more than the breathing exercises.

“Were you- were you scared that I was coming on to you?”, he asks quietly.

Yasha shrugs because it’s not really a yes or a no. She’s always scared that one day, Molly will look at her and decide that she’s not enough, that she doesn’t fit all the requirements for a good friend or whatever he needs. But she doesn’t know how to tell him that.

“I was- thinking”, Molly continues. “In the kitchen. About how to ask you this _without_ making you think I was coming on to you. Because I don’t ever want you to think that-” He sighs and runs his free hand through his dark purple hair. “I just wanted to ask if it would be okay if we shared a bed tonight. Maybe cuddle, if you’re okay with that-”

Oh.

_Oh._

“My bed is really small”, she says.

“Mine is bigger. You can take your pillow and blankets if you want. But I get it if you want to sleep in your own bed tonight...”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Like a sleepover.”

Molly’s face lights up. “Yeah, like a sleepover.”

“Alright.”

  


They get changed for bed in the privacy of their own rooms but when Yasha is done, she pads over to Molly’s room, her pillow in hand and her blankets slung around her shoulders like a cape.

“Knock-knock”, she calls to the half-open door because she doesn’t have free hands to actually physically knock.

Molly lets her in, his room a wonderful chaos of trinkets and clothes everywhere.

“Are you okay with the outer side of the bed?”, he asks. “You can get out easily that way if you need to go during the night.”

Yasha just nods and follows Molly to the bed, dropping her pillow and blankets on it.

He gets into bed first, on the side facing the wall, lying on his side and giving her a soft smile. He looks so happy, even tired like this, and Yasha feels a surge of affection for him. They’ve been calling each other best friends for years now but it’s also something else. It’s the familiarity that comes with living with someone, the feeling of home. She doesn’t know any other name to call it than ‘family’.

She slips into her side of the bed and for a moment they look at each other silently. Yasha is the one to break first, lifting her blanket.

“Come here”, she says. “Just for a while.”

Molly shuffles under her blanket and she wraps one arm around him, the other one pillowed under her head.

“Thank you”, he says quietly, cuddling closer, their bodies fitting together after a few shifts. “Missed you.”

“Missed you too”, she replies against the top of his head. His hair smells like lavender.

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I wasn’t really looking for anything. Just wanted to be out of the city.”

“We should do a trip this summer. You and me. Get away for a few weeks.”

“You hate the outdoors, Molly.”

“I prefer the luxuries of a city to the rough wilds, true. But if you’re unhappy here, we should talk about that.”

Yasha huffs, not annoyed but rather resigned. “Not now.”

“When you feel up for it.”

“Yes.”

Molly wiggles around a bit, letting out a small noise of discomfort.

Yasha pulls back a bit to look down at him. “You okay?”

“Yeah”, he says. “Just stupid boobs, getting in the way.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No, not yours darling, mine. Yours are magnificent. Unless you don’t want them, in which case they can form a club with mine. The unwanted boobs club.”

Yasha is glad the only light in the room comes from the bedside lamp, casting them in a soft golden glow. It means that Molly can’t really see her blush.

“Do you want to- uhm...” She knows this word but it doesn’t come to her in that moment. Luckily, Molly is patient with her like most of the time. “What’s the thing with the doctor and the knifes-”

“Surgery? You mean if I want top surgery?”

“Yeah. That.”

Molly pulls away, pushing up onto his forearms, looking down at her.

“I’ve been thinking about it”, he says. “I mean, I wear my binders a lot. And it’s exhausting most of the time and I wish I could just- not have to deal with that, you know? But I also like how my body looks in some of my dresses with my boobs. I like the curves some of the time.”

Yasha hums in what she hopes sounds like a reassuring way because she knows she can’t really help Molly with this decision.

“I’ll probably get it eventually. My health insurance would cover most of it since I did go on HRT for a few years, so it’s not that expensive, but I want to be sure I’m making the right choice.”

“Of course.”

His serious face once again gives way to a smile and he plops back down onto the bed. Yasha reaches out to pet his hair a few times and he gives a content hum, his eyes sliding shut, so she keeps running her fingers through his purple curls.

“Your hair is getting long”, she notes quietly.

“I like it that way.”

“Me too.”

“Hey Yasha?” He doesn’t even open his eyes.

“Yes?”

“You said you think you like girls.”

_Oh._

She stops her petting routine, unsure of how to react.

“Do you want to talk about that?”, Molly asks, rolling back onto his side to face her.

“No”, Yasha replies. “Not yet.”

“Okay.”

  


They fall asleep next to each other, Yasha’s hand somewhere on Molly’s shoulder blades. She doesn’t dream of her friends again and she’s kind of glad because she doesn’t know if she talks in her sleep and might accidentally let a name slip. These thoughts and dreams are still too confusing to say out loud.

Still, when she wakes up in the morning, she’s just a tiny bit disappointed that she didn’t dream of cuddling Beau again. It’s a nice fantasy, but unrealistic. Yasha barely feels comfortable enough to cuddle Molly, and Beau just doesn’t seem like a cuddler. Besides, with their friendship still kind of in the beginning stages, she definitely won’t cuddle Yasha any time soon.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


She doesn’t come out at Queer Society the next week. She’s nowhere near the point where she can confidently call herself a lesbian. She doesn’t even know if that’s the right label for her. It feels kind of strange.

Instead she sits next to Molly on their favourite sofa in the Queer Society’s space, half-listening to them talk about upcoming events for Zadash’s pride month, half-watching Viveka, sitting across from her on one of the chairs, knitting. It’s very captivating. Yasha can’t tell what it’s going to be yet but she’s fascinated by the quick movement of the needles. What’s even more fascinating is that Viveka isn’t even _looking_ at her knitting project, instead paying seemingly full attention to what Molly is saying.

“...and finally there’s an “Introduction to Relationship Anarchy” talk at the Evening Nip tomorrow night, which sounded pretty interesting from the announcements. It’s not just about romantic and sexual relationships, they also talk about poly relationships and platonic relationships and yeah- I’m probably gonna go, if anyone wants to join me.”

“What time is it?”, Calianna asks. She’s in her wheelchair today, wearing a rather nice dark green blouse and long black skirt and writing protocol on the laptop on her knees.

“Uhm, 7pm I think?”, Molly replies. “Hold on, let me check.” They pull out their phone.

Yasha lets her gaze turn back towards the group. Caleb is back this week, even though he looks tired and the dark rings under his eyes are unmistakable. Nott is sitting next to him as per usual, playing with what Jester has told her is a fidget spinner. It’s dark blue with glitter in it and Yasha has a faint idea that it’s probably not Nott’s choice but rather a gift from Jester.

“7:30pm”, Molly corrects his statement. “But I think you can also find all the info on the Evening Nip’s facebook page. Don’t be intimidated by them, they do mostly Antifa stuff and it’s a bit dive-y, but the speaker who’s coming is great, or so I’ve been told.”

Calianna dutifully types down the information and then turns to quietly say something to Jester who’s sitting next to her on the edge of the couch, picking at loose threads from her oversized soft pink sweater.

“Okay, that’s all the announcements I have today”, Molly concludes. “We’re gonna talk about everything to do with the pride parade next week, if that’s okay.”

An assortment of affirming murmurs come from the group, a few people snapping their fingers.

“If nobody else has anything, we can go over to the informal part of the evening.”

  


Yasha has brought along a box of leftover pirozhki and when everyone else starts pulling out their contributions, she follows along.

“Ohh, what are those?”, Caduceus asks when she puts her box next to theirs on the coffee table.

“Pirozhki?”

“They’re filled with meat”, Molly throws in. “Sorry, Caddy.”

“Oh”, Yasha says, turning to Caduceus. “You do not eat meat?”

“Mostly vegetarian, occasionally vegan”, he replies.

“I can- we make vegetable pirozhki too. I can bring some next time if you want.”

“That would be very nice.” They smile at Yasha and then turn to Gunnar, who’s doing something on his phone next to them, relaying the information they just gained.

Yasha turns back to Molly. “What is vegan?”

“Extreme version of vegetarian”, they reply. “No dairy products and no eggs either.”

Dairy. It takes her a moment to remember the meaning. Dairy means milk.

“No cheese?”

“No cheese.”

“Poor vegan people.”

Molly chuckles. “Yeah, don’t ask me how they do it. Viveka and Moira are the only vegans in the group, as far as I know.”

Yasha nods and looks over at Moira. She’d joined the Queer Society somewhere in early Tunsheer, along with her non-binary girlfriend Finley, and as far as Yasha knows, they’re both in the arts department with Jester.

At the moment, she’s talking to Viveka, who has stopped her knitting and is listening intently. Finley’s sitting next to them, holding Moira’s hand, their head on her shoulder. After talking for a while, Moira seemingly absent-mindedly reaches up to scratch Finley’s head for a bit and their eyes slide shut.

It’s an almost intimate moment and Yasha feels very much like she’s intruding. But at the same time it’s so endearing. Unlike when she sees couples kiss, this doesn’t make Yasha uncomfortable but rather wish someone would do that to her- show her unprecedented casual affection.

She sighs and leans back on the sofa, her arms crossed.

“Everything alright?”, Molly asks, looking up at her from their phone.

“Yeah”, she says. “Just tired I guess.”

“We can go home early if you want.”

“No, it’s fine, I can stay a while. Enjoy yourself.”

Molly gives her a strange look, as if they know something’s a bit off, but they don’t comment.

“Do you want to come to the talk with me tomorrow?”, they ask instead.

“The relationship one?”

Molly nods.

“I’ve never been in a relationship”, she says as if that’s an argument against her going.

“Oh darling”, Molly laughs. “Everything is a relationship. We’re in a relationship. You have a relationship with every single one of our friends- that’s what the whole talk is about. Relationships don’t have to fall into strict categories. It’s just a matter of what you agree on doing together.”

“Okay...”

There’s a _thump_ next to them, Jester has jumped onto the sofa, grinning mischievously.

“Mollyyyyyy”, she sing-songs.

“Jesteeeer”, they mimic her. “Are you coming to the talk tomorrow?”

“That’s what I was going to ask!”, she declares, bopping excitedly up and down. “I’m still trying to convince Fjord and Beau...”

  


Yasha pulls away from the conversation and catches eyes with Caleb who’s talking to Nott, a barely-eaten piece of brownie in his hand. She gives him an slightly awkward wave and he waves back just as awkwardly.

Looking over at Molly and Jester, they still seem engrossed in their conversation, so Yasha gets up, slowly making her way over to Caleb and Nott. Nott grins at her when she sits down on the empty chair next to them, Caleb seems a bit more in his shell today.

“How was your weekend trip?”, Nott asks, still fiddling with her spinner toy. “I mean, not that Jester told me anything or..”

“It was good.” Yasha nods. “Very refreshing. The field guide was a big help.” She directs the last statement at Caleb, who looks almost a bit surprised at being spoken to.

“Oh… _ähm_ , you’re welcome?”, he replies. “I got your message on Friday. I did not know you were planning on going out on a field trip so soon.”

“Well, ah, you know, it- it was all very spontaneous. I forgot to tell Molly. They kind of freaked out.”

“Oh, wow.” Nott’s eyes get big.

“I- it’s fine now”, Yasha assures her. “How- how was your weekend?”

“Certainly not as exciting as yours”, Nott replies. “I played a loooot of video games.”

Caleb looks at her rather fondly. “I did some research”, he adds.

“With Beau?”, Yasha remembers. “She told us- her and Jester came over on Sunday night for dinner. Apparently they did not have normal Saturday dinner.”

“Oh… _ja_.” Caleb nods. “Beau said that too.”

“We’ll be back this Saturday, right Caleb?”, Nott says. “We’ve missed you guys.”

“ _Ja_ , I am much better this week”, Caleb assures her. “Are there any plans for dinner?”

“I think Jester wants me to cook Xhorhasian”, Yasha says. “But we’ll see.”

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


Somehow, Molly convinces her to come to the talk the next night, along with Jester, Fjord, Beau and Calianna. The Evening Nip is a small club, not too far from her and Molly’s flat, and it doesn’t look like much from the outside. In fact, it’s a normal, dingy pub on the ground floor, the likes of several in their neighbourhood. However, a staircase next to the bar leads down to the actual club.

“Not very handicap-friendly”, Cali declares. She’s on her crutches today but she still eyes the rather narrow staircase suspiciously.

“Do you want me to carry you?”, Yasha asks without thinking about it.

Molly and Fjord stare at her as if she’d said something bad, Beau let’s out an amused snort, Jester whoops excitedly and Calianna blushes.

“O-okay”, she says. “If you don’t mind...”

Yasha crouches down in front of her so Cali can climb onto her back. She’s luckily wearing leggings today, so no skirt that gets in the way.

“Ready?”, Yasha asks her.

“Yes.” Calianna’s voice sounds unusually high and nervous right next to her ear. “Please don’t drop me.”

“Of course not.”

Jester has taken Cali’s crutches and is carrying them down the staircase and Yasha carefully follows her, watching her step and keeping Calianna secure on her back. She has to duck a bit to not hit her head on some beams, but they safely make it down to the basement, where the actual club is.

A bouncer greets them at the door and gives Yasha, with Calianna on her back, a rather odd look.

“Your club is not very handicap-friendly”, Yasha states, fumbling for her ID while still holding on to Cali on her back.

“You can let me down now, Yasha”, Cali says and Jester’s immediately at her side, handing Cali her crutches. They all get their IDs out of various back pockets and purses and the bouncer eventually lets them through.

“Thank you”, Calianna mutters, still slightly blushing from the whole procedure. “You- you are very strong, Yasha.”

Yasha just nods, because she doesn’t know what to say to that and before she can think of something, Beau pops up next to them.

“What’s it gonna cost me for you to carry me around all night?”, she asks with a cheeky grin.

Yasha chuckles and shakes her head. “You can’t afford me.”

Jester bursts into a fit of giggles and Beau turns a wonderful shade of red. Yasha thinks that if she were more like Molly, this would have probably sounded like flirting and would have definitely been accompanied by a wink. But she’s not Molly and she doesn’t know how to flirt with girls.

When Molly and Fjord join them, Yasha finally takes a look around the club. There’s a small stage at the far end of the room and what apparently seems to be the dance floor has been covered in folding chairs for the night, a lot of which are already taken up by a colourful mix of people.

“Let’s go find some seats”, Jester declares, confidently leading them to the front of the stage. It’s kind of difficult trying to find seating for six people, so they split up into two groups. Yasha sits with Molly and Fjord in the second row, while Jester, Beau and Cali sit in the front. Jester of course immediately turns around in her seat to chat.

“Do you have your outfits for pride ready yet?”, she asks, probably addressing Molly but Yasha still shakes her head.

“I have some options.” In fact, Molly has a full wardrobe full of options and if Yasha were to choose a pride parade for them, she could probably grab stuff blindly and it would have rainbow colours on them. “Definitely a flower crown.”

“Oh, yes, me too!”, Jester enthuses.

“Is it- a typical thing to wear?”, Yasha asks. The flower crown that Nott had gifted to her a few weeks ago is still hanging over her bed, looking delicate and Yasha has been unsure what to do with it really.

“It’s in style right now”, Molly replies.

“And they’re reeeeeally pretty”, Jester adds. “You should wear one. Oh- we all should wear some!”

“Nah”, Beau immediately says next to her, turning into the conversation as well. “I’m not a flower type of girl.”

“I like flowers”, Yasha say quietly. She swears she sees Beau flinch as if she’s been hit by something, but before she can think too much about it, the talk starts.

  


The lecturer is a smiling, brown-skinned woman, her dark hair made up in neat dreads and piled up onto her head in a bun. She starts off her talk by introducing the fairly well-known relationships: Friendships, romantic and sexual relationships and family. After that she starts taking apart those relationships, pointing out different aspects that are part of these relationships: Physical Touch, Emotional Support, Domestic and Financial Sharing, Caregiving.

“Now when you look at relationship anarchy, you basically forget about all these structures. It doesn’t matter what aspects are present as long as you and your partner agree on them. And a partner can be anyone.”

She pulls up a diagram that shows several bubbles that seemingly contain the aspects she just talked about.

“Take for example me and my queerplatonic partner”, she says. “For those of you not aware of the term queerplatonic, it describes a very intimate but platonic relationship-” She points at the terms ‘emotional support’ and ‘emotional intimacy’. “-that is seen as more long-term than a simple friendship.” She points at ‘life partner’.

“My queerplatonic partner and I had been friends for a while but since I am aromantic and demisexual, a typical relationship like society expects me to have it was never in the cards. When we discovered the term ‘queerplatonic’, it was the perfect fit at the time to describe our very close but platonic partnership. We’ve been together for six years now and their boyfriend has been with them for two and a half year now.”

Yasha’s eyebrows shoot up and the woman on stage almost grins.

“When we discovered relationship anarchy, it turned out to be a perfect tool to navigate the complications of establishing something as ‘unconventional’ as a queerplatonic relationship but it also helped us with setting up a poly relationship constellation in which everyone is on the same page. Because overall, relationship anarchy recognises that you don’t simply have to commit to one single person, that love comes in all forms and shapes and can be shared with as many people as you wish to share it with.”

  


Yasha’s brain is overwhelmed with so much new information that by the end of the talk she just follows along the motions, clapping when everyone else is clapping and getting up when her friends around her are getting up.

“I’m gonna go get some info material”, Molly says, immediately followed by Jester and Cali, leaving Fjord, Beau and Yasha standing somewhat awkwardly at the front of the stage while everyone is filing out.

“Well, that was something”, Beau states.

“Definitely”, Fjord agrees. “I always thought, poly relationships were just something for allosexual people...”

“What’s that- allo…?” Yasha looks at him, a bit lost.

“Allosexual”, Fjord repeats. “It’s what we call people that are not on the asexual spectrum. Some also use the term zedsexual.”

“Okay...”

“Allos are people who want to have sex”, Beau says, seemingly trying to make it easier to understand for Yasha.

“Now that’s not quite correct, Beau”, Fjord responds. “Asexual people are not sexually _attracted_ to anyone. It doesn’t mean that we don’t want to have sex. While a lot of asexuals agree on the fact that they don’t want sex, there are certain asexual people who will have sex in their relationships, either to please their partner or because it’s fun. Meanwhile, I am sure there are also allosexual people who are sexually attracted to other people but don’t want to have sex for whatever reason.”

“Wow.” Beau gapes at Fjord. “I’ve never heard you talk this much about your own sexuality before.”

“Well, if there’s still misconceptions about asexuality in the group, maybe someone should speak up about it”, Fjord replies tersely.

“I didn’t know any of this”, Yasha offers. “Thank you, Fjord.”

“See?” Fjord gestures in Yasha’s direction but Beau only pulls a face. He ignores it and turns back to Yasha. “You’re welcome, Yasha.”

  


They part ways with their friends in front of the Evening Nip, since Molly and Yasha only have a short way to walk home. Yasha is usually silent, but for Molly to be so quiet while they walk through the familiar streets is almost strange.

“Are you okay?”, she asks when they reach their building and neither of them has said a word.

“Huh? Yeah.” They wave their hand around, their pronoun bracelet clinking against another bracelet they are wearing. “Just thinking. That was a lot to process.”

“Oh, yes. I thought so too.”

“Interesting though, I hope?” They look curious as if Yasha’s opinion on the talk is very important.

She nods. “Definitely. I liked what she said about her- platonic partner?”

“Queerplatonic partner.”

“Yes, that. It reminded me of you.”

They’re walking up the stairs to their flat now and Molly stops to pull out their keys.

“In what way?”, they ask while trying to unlock the door in the flickering light of the stairway.

“Well, you know… It’s kind of like how we are. Friends, but more. Living together. Emotional things.” She can’t remember all the aspects. She follows Molly into their flat, immediately taking off her boots and putting them into their place on the shoe rack. It’s been warm enough to go out without a jacket now.

Molly leans in the kitchen doorway, still in their leather boots and favourite patchwork coat. They make no move to take any of it off.

“You think-”, they start, then catch themselves. “Ugh, this is stupid.”

“No, please. I’m sure it’s fine.”

“Do you think we could be in a queerplatonic relationship?”

_Oh._

When Yasha looks over at Molly, they seem genuinely nervous, which isn’t often the case.

“I- I thought we already are”, she says. “I just- didn’t know there was a word for that.”

“ _I_ didn’t know there was a word for that”, Molly echoes.

She doesn’t feel like she’s going to panic, like she did the Sunday after she came back from her hiking trip. She’s rather happy, elated even, that she’s found a word that describes her and Molly so accurately.

“Queerplatonic”, she says, more to herself, to remember the word correctly. “Queer-pla-to-nic.”

When she looks up at Molly, their face reflects her happiness, but it’s also tinted with something that Yasha can’t quite place until they speak up again.

“You’re cute”, they say. “You’re cute and amazing and I love you and I want you to be my queerplatonic partner.”

Yasha blushes because she still doesn’t handle compliments very well, even coming from Molly which are so second-nature by now. They hand them out so casually but they always catch her off-guard, like now, making her flounder and trying to find the right words to respond but failing miserably.

“O- okay”, she stutters and then nods to reassure both herself and Molly of this. “Okay.”

Molly steps forward, gesturing for a hug and she reciprocates, their arms wrapped around her torso, hers wrapped around their shoulders. They squeeze her, tighter than they normally do, and she can feel their hands shaking against her back. Carefully she runs her hands over their hair, their shoulder blades, tracing the patterns of their patchwork coat.

“I love you too”, she finally says. It feels right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will probably be every fortnight from now on because I have work and am already behind on writing. ;)


	11. I just wanna hang out with you [Beau]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Yasha returns from a weekend in the wild, only to find that Molly has missed her terribly. Their relationship seems to be at a turning point, but when they attend a talk about Relationship Anarchy at the Evening Nip, they discover the term "Queerplatonic". Together they come to the realisation that this is what their friendship has come to - a queerplatonic relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter! Once again un-betaed since my lovely beta reader Ray aka The Scarecrowlover is even busier than me and I won't subject them to more work than necessary.

Beau is thinking about Fjord. Which- first of all- ew, not like that! And- second of all- she cares about him enough that she occasionally thinks about him. As a friend. A buddy. A flatmate she rather appreciates to have in her life.

The problem is, she’s currently sitting comfortable in Jester’s lap and has been making out with her for a good ten minutes, Hayley Kiyoko playing in the background and hands straying to some places that should definitely not make her think of Fjord.

_Shit_ _._

She pulls back for a moment and Jester whines before attaching her lips to Beau’s neck, instantly finding the spot under her ear that is way too sensitive and makes Beau groan.

“Jester”, she says.

Jester keeps sucking.

“Jester- Jes-”

 _Oh fuck._ That’s gonna be a hickey.

“Jester!”

She pushes her back a bit too rough maybe and Jester frowns at her.

“What?”

Her hair’s a mess, her lips all puffy and red and _oh gods_ , Beau has it bad. She needs to stop this before it gets out of hand.

“You need to tell Fjord”, she blurts out.

“Huh?” Jester looks very confused and to be fair, that came a bit out of nowhere.

“Come on, you’ve had a crush on him since he moved in”, Beau tries to explain. “Don’t you think it’s time to- you know-”, she lowers her voice a bit for the next part, “-just put it out there and maybe tell him how you feel?”

She takes the elastic out of her messed-up bun, brushes through the hair with her fingers and puts it back up in a practised move. Jester gapes at her and she’s pretty sure it’s not because of the way she looks or put up her hair. Beau’s a mess and she knows it, nothing to gawk at.

“Why- why would you say that?”, Jester asks and then her eyes widen. “Oh my Traveler, are you breaking up with me?”

“What- Jes- no!” She sighs, climbs off of Jester’s lap to sit on the bed next to her, cross-legged. “We’re not even actually together”, she adds more quietly.

“Except we kind of are”, Jester retorts. “This is like- like the relationship anarchy thing. We decided together. Friendship and sex. And emotional support, although to be fair that just kind of happened...”

“That’s- that’s what got me thinking”, Beau says. “What if, hypothetically, you wanted to be with Fjord and he wanted to be with you? He could cover parts of the relationship spectrum that I can’t. He could make you happy.”

“Technically, you already make me happy”, Jester replies, still frowning.

“Well, imagine that but doubled.”

“That’s a lot of happy.”

“I know.”

“So would you like- want a poly relationship?”, Jester asks, visibly perking up now. “I thought you don’t like boys.”

“Ew, no”, Beau says because she can’t help herself. “I was thinking less of a triad solution and more of a constellation with you in the middle.”

“Oh.” To her surprise that actually makes Jester blush. Maybe she wasn’t expecting to be the centre of this whole thing. She runs her fingers through her blue curls, biting her lower lip. It looks cute, but Beau can tell she’s contemplating her suggestion.

“Okay”, she says after a moment.

“Okay?”

“I’ll talk to Fjord”, Jester says, then shudders. “Oh, I’m nervous, what if he says no? What if he doesn’t like me?”

“I’m pretty sure he must’ve fallen on his head if he says no to you. You’re like- super cute girlfriend material.”

Jester gives her a look as if she can’t quite tell whether Beau is just pulling her leg or if she’s actually honest.

“Wanna go back to making out?”, Beau offers because she hasn’t exactly thought this through but she’s still super horny and as long as they’re still doing this- and definitely not breaking up- she might as well cash in.

“Sure”, Jester says, a cheeky smirk back on her face. She gives Beau a soft push that shouldn't move her, but she lets herself fall back onto the bed willingly. Jester crawls over her, slotting her legs between Beau’s and leans down to kiss her. Again. And again.

 _So it’s really hard to see_ , Hayley Kiyoko sings in the background. _Yeah, w_ _e just gotta let it be._

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


She gets a string of texts from Jester while she’s in the library, working on a paper.

_Jester: I’m doing this!!!!!_

_Jester: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!_

_Jester: -scream emoji- -see no evil emoji- -panic sweat emoji-_

Beau chuckles to herself. _Good luck_ , she texts back. She’s sure she’ll hear all about it later when she gets home.

But the more she tries to focus on her paper, she’s thinking about Jester and Fjord instead. Are they at home? Out at one of Jester’s favourite bakeries? Is Fjord gentle? Awkward? Surprised? What do they talk about? Does Fjord say yes?

Beau sighs, pressing the on-button of her phone, but it shows no new messages. She checks her message thread with Jester again. Her last message was eight minutes ago. She turns her phone back to sleep again and looks at her laptop screen. The text cursor blinks at her almost mockingly.

She doesn’t get any work done.

  


She comes home at quarter past seven, nothing unusual, but she’s taken a bit more time, walking home from the Academy instead of taking the tram. It’s a nice half-hour walk and it’s been over two hours now since Jester last texted her. _Something_ should’ve happened in these two hours but Jester texting Beau back is apparently not one of those things.

When she unlocks the door, it already smells delicious. Fjord’s cooking. A good sign.

“I’m home!”, she calls into the flat, chucking off her shoes somewhere into the corner and carefully walking out into the living room.

She can see Fjord and Jester through the open kitchen door, working next to each other. There’s music coming from the radio and Beau can’t really hear what Fjord’s saying to Jester but she laughs at it and leans a bit into him and- oh.

They’re flirting.

It’s kinda cute.

Beau pulls a disgusted face and quietly slips off to her bedroom to drop off her backpack. She hesitates, because she doesn’t want to interrupt them but at the same time she wants to _know_. It looks like everything went okay, but it’s also like nothing happened, so Jester could’ve easily chickened out and just said nothing at all.

She finally walks back to the kitchen, not trying to be stealthy any more, closing her bedroom door loudly and knocking into the door frame of the kitchen.

“Hey”, she says. “What’s for dinner?”

Fjord turns to look over at her. “Grilled salmon with cream sauce, potatoes and peas.”

“Cool.” Beau nods. “Uh- need any help?”

“Nah, I think we’re good.”

“’Kay.” She lingers in the doorway for a moment. “Jes, can I talk to you real quick?”

Jester turns around from her task, obviously feigning ignorance. “Sure, what is iiiiit?”

Beau jerks her head in direction of the living room and Jester sighs.

“Be right back”, she says to Fjord and skips over to Beau, who pulls her into the hallway between their bedrooms.

“What?”, she hisses.

Beau raises her eyebrows in question. Jester grins.

“What?”, she repeats cheekily.

“Did you?”, Beau asks in a hushed tone. “Tell him?”

“Mmmmh”, Jester hums but she can’t conceal the grin that’s trying to cover her face.

“And?”

“We’re gooooood.” And then she turns around and skips back into the kitchen, leaving a wordless Beau behind.

  


They have dinner, just the three of them, around the dining table in the living room and after Fjord has distributed all the food, they dig in. It’s unusual for them to eat in silence, usually someone is talking. Usually it’s Jester. But Jester is quiet, picking at her salmon and lining up her peas in what looks to be the shape of a dick.

“Okay”, Beau says, dropping her fork onto her plate. “Can we address the elephant in the room?”

Both Jester and Fjord look at her expectantly.

“I know that you two had a talk because I was the one who convinced Jester to do it, so...” She waves around with her fork, giving them an opportunity to jump in, but nothing. “Seriously? We’re just not gonna talk about it then?”

“Fine”, Fjord says. “In a matter of trust and transparency, Jester and I not only talked about her and me, but she also confirmed to me that you two have somethin’ going on.”

“Yeah”, Beau replies, almost making it sound like ‘duh’. They haven’t been exactly sneaky about it, just courteous enough to not disturb their flatmate. “So?”

“So?”, Fjord echoes her. “How do you wanna do this?”

“I think it’s more of a ‘how does Jester want to do this’ situation.”

They both turn to look at Jester.

“Wellllll”, she says, folding her hands under her chin. “If you’re asking meee...”

“We are”, Fjord says, deadpan, making Jester grin at him happily.

“Well, you knooooow… I wanna do the romance stuff with you and the sex stuff with Beau- oh, and the friendship stuff with both of you. Ob-vious-leeeee.” She contemplates this for a second. “Okay, maybe a little bit of the sex stuff with you toooooo, Fjord. But that’s like totally up to you, you know?”

“Got’cha.” He’s blushing. Heavily. Beau can’t help but be amused by his discomfort at this talk.

“Oh, oh, I know!”, Jester exclaims, jumping up. “Be right back!” And she runs off to her room.

Beau quickly leans over the table to Fjord and hisses: “I’m not gonna do stuff with you, just so we’re clear.”

“Gee, thanks, me neither.”

“Except for like- the friendship thing”, she corrects herself. “You’re a pretty good friend.”

“Compliments, from you?” He raises his eyebrows, feigning surprise but then quickly turning to a grin. “Must be my lucky day.”

“Shut up, Fjord.”

Jester comes running back into the living room with a piece of paper in her hands.

“I did some research”, she declares.

“What?”, Beau says. Jester doing actual academic work is a rarity, out of the three of them she’s probably the laziest and least studious. She enjoys creating things with her hands, drawing and painting, but her actual university papers are usually done haphazardly and last-minute.

“Yes, I knooow. But you know, I really wanted to like know more about this relationship anarchy stuff and I found this very helpful drawing online- make some space.”

They push pots and pans to the side to make room for her paper in the middle between their plates so they can all look at it.

“It’s called a Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord”, she says, presenting a big diagram that looks like an assortment of different plates on a table. “I don’t know what a Smorgasbord is.”

“It’s a Northern thing”, Beau explains. “They got some weird dialects going on up there- I think it’s like a brunch thing or something, like buffet style.”

“Okay, sure, so you got all these areas- this is like what the woman at the talk we went to talked about- and you and your partner- or partners-”, she flashes a smile at them both, “-get to pick together what you wanna do. You can do like a few things or all of the things but you _have_ to agree on picking them together.”

“Got’cha”, Fjord says, taking a drag from his beer.

“So I wanna do this and this with both of you definitely.” Jester points at plates titled ‘Friendship’ and ‘Domestic’. “Technically, we’re already doing that, technically, since we all live together and are friends.” She looks up from the paper and grins even more widely.

  


It’s a rather helpful diagram and they slowly work their way through it while they eat. Jester expresses her need for physical closeness from both of them and her wish for more emotional intimacy and support amongst all of them. Her and Fjord clearly fall into the ‘Romantic’ category while her and Beau have already been settled in the ‘Sex’ category.

“This feels like making a business deal”, Beau says, dipping her potatoes in the cream sauce. “By the way- this is really good dinner, thanks.”

“You’re welcome”, Fjord replies. “Now I don’t quite get this ‘Social Partners’ thing.”

“I think it’s like who people in public see as your partner”, Jester say. “You know, like if I call my mama and like she wants to know how I’m doing and if I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I can be like ‘Fjord’, you know? Or ‘Beau’.”

Beau pulls a face.

“Okay, maybe not Beau”, Jester corrects herself and then grins mischievously. “ Because she’s got her eyes on someone eeeelse”, she sing-songs and waggles her eyebrows.

“Oh really?”, Fjord says with a grin.

Beau scowls. “I swear to Ioun, Jester, if you tell him-”

“Don’t be such a baybeeee!”, Jester scolds her. “I’m not gonna tell your stupid secret- except now that I have talked to Fjord I can toooootally tell you that you should go like talk to that person too because it’s _really_ helpful.”

Nope. That’s definitely not happening in the near future and Beau knows it. Her and Yasha… well, it doesn’t really seem like it’s going anywhere. She’s like ninety percent sure that Yasha likes girls and she’s generally friendly towards Beau, if slightly awkward. But Yasha is friendly and awkward with everyone, so it doesn’t really mean anything.

“So”, Fjord says, bringing them back to the topic at hand. “Social partners. Is that somethin’ that you’d… be interested in?”

It’s clear the question is directed at Jester and Beau pulls back a bit, smirking on the front but actually kind of happy for her friends.

“Who, me?”, Jester replies, voice suddenly unnaturally high. And oh- that’s new. She’s nervous.

“Yeah, you.” Fjord grins at her. “The girl with all the planning and research and the relationship anarchy.”

“Maybeeee...”

“Okay then.” Fjord nods. “I figured we’d probably talk about that once I take you out on a proper date.”

“You’re gonna take me out on a date?”, Jester asks, her eyes big. It’s so cute, Beau could gag.

“Y’know, I figured that’s the proper thing to do. You and Beau kinda got it all figured out already but you and me… we still need to talk about stuff, how we want this to work.”

Beau can almost tell the exact moment where big excited eyes turn into big panicked eyes and she quickly reaches out to grab Jester’s hand.

“Jester, Jester, it’s okay”, she says. “Jester, look at me. Jester, breathe.” Jester turns to her, eyes still wide, lips pressed shut. “Breathe.” They take a deep breath together, holding it and then releasing. Beau absolutely hates meditation but this one thing has stuck with her and has proven helpful before – breathing technique.

“What’s wrong?”, she asks, when Jester’s breathing has calmed down.

“I don’t know”, she whimpers. “I got scared.”

“I know. I saw that.” Beau throws a brief look over at Fjord who’s looking worried but not quite sure what to do. He’s probably never had to deal with anxious Jester before. “Was it something Fjord said?”

Jester hides her face in her hands and that’s answer enough.

“Jes, I’m so sorry-”, Fjord starts, even though he probably doesn’t know what exactly he’s apologising for and apologies don’t really help them right now.

“What did he say that made you scared?”, Beau asks, her hand still lying on the table where Jester has left it. “Was it the date?” A headshake. “Was it- shit, Fjord, what did you say?”

“I said- fuck- I said…” He scratches his head. “That we had stuff to talk about?”

“Yes, that.” Beau snaps her fingers. “Thanks. Was it that, Jes?”

Jester is still hiding her face but nodding. She doesn’t normally let herself get kicked by anxiety for small things like that, so this means that it’s probably serious or at least a deeper underlying issue that is troubling her.

“Are you worried that I’m gonna say somethin’ bad?”, Fjord suggests. “Or- or not want something you might want? I mean- we already talked about the asexual things...”

Jester mumbles something into her hands that neither of them catch.

“What’cha sayin’?”

Jester moves her hands from her mouth. “I just really want you to be my boyfriend”, she says and then glimpses through her fingers. “Like in public and stuff. But I don’t want you to feel like I’m making you do this, I… I want you to _want_ to be my boyfriend.”

“Okay”, Fjord says.

Beau is almost as surprised as Jester but she doesn’t say anything because this is out of her hands now and a Fjord-and-Jester issue.

“Really?”, Jester says, pulling her hands away from her face.

“Sure”, Fjord replies. “You wanna walk around in public, holding hands and calling me your boyfriend? Jester, I just want you to be happy. If it takes something as easy as that to do so, I’ll do it. I still wanna take you on that date though- because that would make _me_ happy.”

“Of course!” Jester immediately sits up straight, wiping her face. “You know, as your friend I have like sooooo many suggestions on where you should take me but as your girlfriend I am totally just going to let you decide.”

“As you wish.” Fjord reaches out, takes Jester’s hand and presses a kiss to her fingertips and this time Beau _doesn’t_ hold back the gagging noises.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


It takes some getting used to. Beau can tell that Fjord is still holding back on the public displays of affection, even in the safety of their shared flat, and Jester- probably for his sake- is not jumping into heavy make-out sessions with Beau in the living room either. They’re all kind of skirting around each other, but Jester is grinning even more than she usually would. Her constant good mood is kind of infectuous.

  


Fjord and Jester go on their first date a few days later and Beau feels kind of like she’s missing out on something. She sits at home, eating Marquesian takeaway and watching Netflix, but the show she’s watching isn’t really grabbing her attention. Her phone buzzes and she lunges for it but it’s just someone tagging her on Twitter in some random discussion about citizen’s participation in the government process. She groans, letting it slip back onto the sofa and slouching slightly lower on the sofa herself.

She could text one of her friends, but she never just randomly texts them, so starting now would seem weird. On the other hand, it’s Wednesday night and she’s bored and Jester’s teasing about her crush on Yasha is kind of in a small corner of her mind so she pulls her phone back over. She starts Telegram and pulls up her chat with Yasha.

Their ever so rare conversation usually circles around stuff like where they want to go dumpster diving or when they are actually going to meet. Dumpster diving is their one time in the week where they hang out alone, although if you asked Jester it’s probably terribly unromantic. And it’s probably true, they don’t talk about much except sharing what they find, discussing what to do with it and awkward chit-chat about how their studies are going.

Neither of them are big sharers and sometimes Beau regrets that because she’s curious. She wants to know stuff about Yasha, like why she keeps her hair the way she does, why she mostly wears black, what kind of music she listens to, what her experience was fleeing Xhorhas. But she doesn’t ask because- again- they’re not exactly close. They’re just sort of friends by happenstance, because all their friends are friends.

Her fingers hover over the chat and eventually she types out a message and hits send before she can overthink it.

_Beau: Hey -upside down smile emoji-_

She immediately facepalms at her use of unnecessary emojis, sliding down onto the sofa, letting her phone hit the ground with a dull _thud_.

Usually she’s good at these things. Hitting on girls. Flirting. But that’s because mostly it’s just about sex. And this thing with Yasha isn’t just about sex. It’s about- fuck, it’s been long enough so she can admit it, even just to herself- it’s romantic.

And Beau doesn’t do romantic.

She shuffles around on the sofa until she’s lying with her face hanging upside-down and her feet up on the back. Only when the rush of blood to her head is getting too much, she comes back up. It’s no fun doing stupid stuff like this when there’s no audience. Jester would laugh at her for being silly and then follow her example. Fjord would tell her off for putting her feet against the wall even though she’s not wearing shoes. Molly would call her a useless lesbian who can’t sit straight and she would return the jab with one of her own, telling him she’s never been straight in her life. She doesn’t know enough about Caleb and Nott- although the former would probably be just as unamused as Fjord. Nott wouldn’t mind, maybe even try it herself. But Yasha…

In her mind, Yasha would smile fondly at her antics and then lean down to kiss her upside-down, you know, like in Spider Man. She doesn’t know about reality because Yasha is fucking unpredictable and remains kind of a mystery to everyone except Molly.

Her phone buzzes and she flails, reaching down to pick it up from the carpet. Telegram shows her that she’s got one new message and she quickly flips through and opens up to…

_Yasha: Hello Beauregard -upside down smile emoji-_

Oh no. _Oh no._ Beauregard is _fucked_.

_Beau: supp_

Hah. Eloquent. She almost kicks herself again when the app indicates that Yasha is typing.

_Yasha: Slow night at work. -sleeping face emoji-_

_Beau: oh shit sorry forgot you work on wednesdays -facepalm emoji-_

_Yasha: It’s fine. I’m on break rn._

_Beau: -praise emoji- -party popper emoji-_

_Yasha: What are you doing?_

With any other girl, Beau would’ve taken this as an opportunity to do some casual sexting but Yasha, who hasn’t even _kissed_ anyone yet, would probably not appreciate that. So instead she answers truthfully.

_Beau: home alone_

_Beau: bored_

_Beau: -sleeping face emoji-_

_Yasha: We can be bored together._

Oh. Oh! Maybe, in the back of her mind, Beau was hoping for exactly something like this, because she does a triumphant fistpump that thankfully nobody can see.

_Beau: what do u usually do at work?_

_Yasha: Make food? Serve food? It’s not a big place._

_Beau: i’ve never been_

_Yasha: You should come by sometime. It’s very cosy. And the food is good._

Oh, that’s tempting. So tempting. Beau checks the time on her phone. It’s almost half past eight, probably to late to suggest coming out to the Xhorhasian restaurant and see Yasha. Besides, what would they do? Awkwardly sit around and eat pelmeni? This is easier. This is the conversation she never has with Yasha face-to-face because they’re both too awkward.

_Beau: I know we order from ur place all the time remember_

_Beau: how long till u can go home_

_Yasha: We close at 10. So probably two more hours._

_Beau: ouch_

_Yasha: I don’t mind._

_Beau: do u at least get to sleep in tomorrow_

_Yasha: Well, 10AM class_

_Yasha: But I take 30 mins to class with the tram._

_Yasha: And I’m usually up at 6 anyway._

_Beau: -dizzy face emoji- ur crazy_

_Yasha: Idk, I just always wake up then. More time in the day to do things._

_Beau: to do WHAT?_

_Beau: sleep is the best -sleeping face emoji-_

There’s a lull in the conversation where Yasha doesn’t reply but Beau figures it’s probably because she’s at work after all and maybe there’s some actual work to do. She gets up, starts cleaning up the takeaway boxes and her empty bottle of ice tea. When she comes back after a few minutes, Yasha still hasn’t replied.

  


Beau finally turns off the show on Netflix that she wasn’t watching anyway, turns off the entire TV set but leaving on the sound system, connecting her phone via Bluetooth and selecting her favourite online radio station. The DJ’s currently playing some chill mix of alternative rock and folk and it’s as good as anything.

She pulls open the balcony door and let’s in the cold evening air. A quick trip to her bedroom, digging around in her bedside table and she finds what she’s looking for. She pulls on her oversized Cobalt Soul hoodie that’s lying around on her bed and then returns to the balcony.

Because fuck it, she hasn’t got anything better to do and Molly got this for her after weeks of her begging and him not letting up his ‘special contact’, so she might as well enjoy it.

Just a little bit.

She sits with her back to the building wall, getting one of the seating pillows to be more comfortable on the ground, pulling her knees tight and dragging the hoodie over them. Her phone lying next to her, the music drifting out onto the balcony from the living room, the sun slowly setting over Zadash, Beauregard lights a joint.

  


She knows to take it slow this time. When she got high with Molly’s stuff the first time, she was way too overexcited and took too much too quick. Now she takes one drag and just lets it rest. Checks her phone again. No message.

Twitter isn’t interesting enough tonight so she just leans back, watches the sky change colours as one song shifts to the next. She wonders briefly when Fjord and Jester are coming back. Fjord wouldn’t even tell _her_ what he had planned. Which is fair, because Jester would have probably pried it out of her without issue.

She takes another drag, lets the joint rest on the metal lid off an old pickle jar that they have out here instead of an ashtray because none of them actually smoke.

Her phone buzzes and she pulls it close, taps at the new message that’s displayed.

_Yasha: Sorry, had to work for a bit. -slightly frowning face emoji-_

_Beau: its fine I shouldnt distract u_

It takes a moment for a response to come.

_Yasha: You’re a good distraction. -upside down smile emoji-_

Oh. Oh shit. Beau’s heartbeat picks up and it’s definitely not the drugs- they’re supposed to be relaxing if anything.

_Beau: thanks -upside down smile emoji-_

_Beau: got mollys gift to distract me_

_Beau: and u_

_Yasha: Molly’s Gift? Did I miss your birthday?_

Oh Yasha. So adorable. So clueless.

Beau snaps a blurry picture of the joint lying on the metal lid and sends it. Recreational drugs like this are actually legalised in parts of the Empire, so she doesn’t worry too much about sharing a picture of it via messenger.

_Yasha: Oh, okay._

_Yasha: When did he get you that?_

_Beau: after lots of begging_

_Beau: he wont tell me where he gets it and its good stuff_

_Yasha: Do you use it often?_

_Beau: on occasion_

_Yasha: Why?_

And that’s a question she didn’t expect. Not from Yasha, who never seems to care what any of them do, just goes along with almost anything, even her dumpster diving.

_Beau: to get some quiet I guess_

_Beau: sometimes I just wanna shut my brain off_

_Yasha: I get that._

_Yasha: I wish I could do that sometime._

Without realising it, they have suddenly landed themselves in a space that is much more personal than just talking about their papers and their friends and what they’re cooking for dinner next Saturday.

_Beau: so why dont u?_

_Yasha: I’m not a big fan of drugs. I don’t want to loose control of myself. I do other stuff._

_Beau: like spontaneous hiking trips_

_Yasha: Like that. Or kickboxing._

Fuck. Beau closes her eyes for a minute, just letting herself revel in that image of Yasha in tights and a sports bra, relentlessly attacking a punching bag. Yasha wrestling her to the ground, sweat all over her face. Yasha straddling her, holding her hands over her head.

She pulls herself out of that fantasy before she can drift down that spiral too far.

_Beau: why dont u do martial arts any more_

_Yasha: The times don’t work for me. I have classes and work. I can train at the gym down the road whenever I want._

_Beau: u know I have a punching bag in my room_

She doesn’t know why she writes that. But before she can overthink, Yasha has replied.

_Yasha: Lucky you. My room is a shoebox._

_Beau: I know ur flat is tiny how you can live there?_

_Yasha: Money._

Of course. Of course not everyone is lucky like Jester to have a rich mom or like her and Fjord to be on a scholarship in addition to the regular financial aid from the government. Beau curses her own ignorance and picks up the joint again, re-lighting it and taking another drag.

_Beau: im sorry_

_Yasha: What for?_

_Beau: ur shoebox_

_Yasha: I like my shoebox. It’s mine alone._

_Beau: did u have to share before?_

_Yasha: In Xhorhas, yes. Six siblings._

Beau pulls a sharp breath through her teeth. That’s a lot. She doesn’t even have one sibling and she’s kind of glad she doesn’t. Maybe she would hate her hypothetical sibling too. Or she wouldn’t and would want to keep them safe from her parents’ control. Which would be exhausting.

_Beau: all in one room?_

_Yasha: Just me and my younger sisters. Two of them._

_Beau: they still in Xhorhas?_

_Yasha: Yeah._

_Beau: what are their names?_

_Yasha: Ylva and Lilya._

_Beau: you the oldest?_

_Yasha: My brother Kirill. We don’t know where he is._

Oh. Oh shit. Beau knows enough about what’s happening in the conflict between the Empire and Xhorhas to guess what has happened to Kirill. Older than Yasha means old enough to fight in a war. Which in this war means he could be as good as dead. She’s pretty sure she crossed a line somewhere when she started asking about Yasha’s family and the uncomfortable feeling of regret settles somewhere in her chest.

_Beau: sorry I shouldn’t be asking these things_

_Yasha: I don’t mind talking about it. Some days are better, some are worse._

Beau is still thinking about what to say when her phone buzzes again but instead of a message she’s received a picture of a group of children all huddled on a sofa. There’s three girls and two boys and Beau immediately recognises a much younger Yasha, tall and lanky and oh so thin, her arms around two girls on her left and her right, one with similar black and the other with reddish brown hair. The boys are framing them, one with a black buzzcut and the other one with curls and a cheeky grin.

_Yasha: That’s Kirill, Lilya, me, Ylva and Fyodor. Dima was still a baby and Mosey wasn’t born yet._

Beau sucks in a sharp breath. Without writing much, Yasha is showing how much she cares about her siblings. She’s opening up about something that’s dear to her heart and Beau is sure this wouldn’t happen if they were talking in real life.

_Beau: thank you_

_Beau: for sharing_

Because here’s the thing about texting: Beau sometimes feels it’s easier to be honest when writing, just as easy as it is to lie. She might be impulsive in what she’s saying most of the time, but it’s easier to think when you’re writing.

_Yasha: Do you have any siblings_

Of course. The dreaded return-question.

_Beau: no_

_Beau: parents had enough trouble with one child -smirking face emoji-_

_Yasha: Did you like it? Being an only child?_

_Beau: no_

_Beau: too much attention_

_Beau: but I wouldnt wish my parents on anyone -squinty face with tongue out emoji-_

That’s more than anything Beau has ever told anyone this early into a friendship. But it doesn’t feel bad, opening up to Yasha. She doesn’t feel vulnerable. They both share their vulnerability, which is their families and she doesn’t panic about it. Part of it might be the effects of the weed but mostly it’s just that she wants to give something back for Yasha’s story. Even if it’s a shitty childhood story like hers.

_Yasha: Did they not treat you well?_

_Beau: its complex_

_Beau: they wanted a boy and they got me_

_Beau: and I wasnt like the girl they wanted me to be_

_Beau: they sent me to boarding school when I was 11_

_Yasha: What is boarding school?_

_Beau: its a school away from home, you live at the school all the time_

_Beau: mine was all girls_

_Beau: thats why I am gay -winky face emoji-_

_Yasha: -laughing face emoji-_

Beau smiles at her phone. She’s glad she at least got a emoji laugh out of Yasha for her shitty childhood story.

Looking up she realises that the sun has already set and it’s getting dark. She shoves her phone into the front pocket of her hoodie, picks up the not even half-smoked joint and carefully places it back in the plastic container it came in for later enjoyment. Maybe another night. She shuffles inside, closes the balcony door behind her and turns down the music slightly.

Curling up on the sofa, she pulls her phone back out.

_Yasha: Did you know you liked girls back then?_

_Beau: definitely_

_Beau: don’t think I ever had a real straight phase_

_Beau: too much of a rebel -winky face emoji-_

There’s no immediate response from Yasha and maybe she’s waiting for her to continue the conversation.

_Beau: u still questioning stuff?_

_Yasha: Yes._

_Beau: come to any revelations so far?_

She’s kind of just asking to see if Yasha feels ready to share. Of course she hopes that Yasha actually _does_ turn out gay, even just to give herself a chance at actually… Well, she doesn’t really know what she wants with Yasha. The usual is her good guess but the usual for Beau is just casual making out and sex.

There’s the sound of a key turning in the lock of the front door and then the excited chatter of Jester and the low rumbling laughter of Fjord. Beau sinks further into the cushions of the sofa as if hoping to disappear. But the music is still obviously playing and the standing lamp next to the TV is lit and so when the two of them come into the living room, they immediately spot her, her phone lighting up her face and her knees almost pulled to her chest.

“What are you doing?”, Jester giggles, pulling Fjord after her and dropping onto the couch next to Beau.

“Chilling”, Beau replies, glancing at her phone to see if Yasha has replied yet. Nothing. She shoves it into her hoodie pouch. “How was your date?”

“Oh, it was soooo much fun!” Jester’s grinning and turning to Fjord who’s sat down next to her at the other end of the sofa. “We had dinner-”

“A small place that has food from the Coast.”

“-and then we went to a fancy-schmancy art gallery opening and made fun at all the rich people and the ridiculous artwork.”

“We got kicked out because Jester was laughin’ too loudly”, Fjord adds and he doesn’t even look a bit disappointed that his probably carefully-planned-out date ended early.

They seem rather comfortable around each other. Jester’s always been casual with her physical affection, hugging people she barely knows and touching her friends at any given moment. But to see Fjord, stoic and restrained Fjord, smile and slip his hand around Jester’s waist like it’s nothing- that’s new.

Beau’s phone buzzes in her hoodie pouch and her hand immediately flies to it, but she thinks better of it and doesn’t pull it out.

“Who are you talking to?”, Jester asks, immediately picking up on it.

“Just- ah- a friend”, Beau replies hastily.

Luckily, Jester’s too distracted by Fjord pulling her closer to lean against his side to question her any further. Instead she turns around, sharing a brief kiss with him.

It’s strange, Beau feels like she should look away, but she doesn’t. The feeling of jealousy never comes, instead she feels- happy? Happy because Jester is her best friends and she’s been dreaming of romance ever since Beau has known her. And now she has a shot at it- with Fjord, who’s one of her best friends.

“You guys are adorable”, she says.

“Awwww”, Jester replies, turning back to her. “Are you getting soft?”

“Pfshhh- nah.”

“Maybe just a little bit”, Jester teases.

Maybe she’s right. But Beau would never admit that.

“Hey Fjooooord?” Jester turns back to her boyfriend.

“Yes, Jester?”

“Do you mind if I kiss Beau right now?”

“Not at all.”

“Cool!”

Jester clambers over to Beau’s end of the sofa, holding herself up over Beau with her hands on the back rest, grinning at her. And then she leans down, kissing her softly, a brief peck to her lips first and then a longer one.

They rarely kiss like this. Just soft and sweet with no intention to take it further. It’s a kiss full of love that Beau always feels from Jester in a way but they’ve never really talked about. They pull apart and Jester smiles at her, that small, mischievous Jester-smile and Beau just… stares.

Before she can even process what’s going on or figure out whether the tingly feeling in her stomach is the drugs or something else entirely, Jester has already pulled away, taking back her place next to Fjord.

“You okay there, Beau?”, he asks, smirking.

“Wha- huh- me? Yeah, sure.” Smooth, very smooth. She fumbles a bit when she sits up straighter, her legs tangling with Jester’s on the sofa between them. “I’m good.”

Jester giggles, leans against Fjord and pulls his arm around her waist again.

“I like this”, she declares and both Fjord and Beau hum in agreement.

  


\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

  


She doesn’t look back at her phone until later that night, after they’ve watched a few episodes of that baking show that Jester loves so much and eaten an entire bowl of crisps with fusaka flavour. They all go to sleep in their own rooms and Jester kisses each of them goodnight and it feels kind of normal and domestic.

Beau stumbles into bed, facedown, groaning into her pillows. She can handle this. Just because things are changing around the flatshare, around their relationships, doesn’t mean her feelings suddenly have to change.

She picks up her phone, the small LED at the top still blinking to remind her that she has a new message. In fact, when she checks there are two new messages waiting for her in her and Yasha’s chat. The first is from earlier in the evening, the second from just a few minutes ago.

_Yasha: I think I like girls._

_Yasha: I’m going home now, thank you for keeping me company for a while._

Beau curses under her breath and immediately starts typing.

_Beau: sorry got distracted_

_Beau: welcome to the club I guess_

_Beau: and thanks for hanging out with me too_

_Beau: maybe ill come by to see you at work next time your bored_

_Beau: if thats okay_

She’s too tired to care any more if she’s embarrassing herself. Maybe Yasha will be fine with it. They’ve been getting along well so far, and Beau has done some pretty dumb shit in front of her. It takes a few minutes and she’s almost drifted off to sleep when her phone buzzes again.

_Yasha: It’s okay. We all have things going on. Good Night, Beau. -crescent moon emoji- -night with stars emoji-_

Beau grins to herself, tiredly and in a practised motion replies the way she usually replies to Jester before letting the phone slip onto her mattress and drift off to sleep.

_Beau: night -blue heart emoji-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No guarantee that I can even keep up the 14-day-shedule. I haven't gotten much writing done, so you might have to wait a while longer for the next chapter. Unfortunately my full-time-job pays me - my fanfic writing doesn't. ;) Nevertheless, comments and kudos encourage me to keep going.


	12. all of this wrong, but I'm still right here [Yasha]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: Beau pushes Jester to talk to Fjord about her feelings, and - to her surprise - ends up in a polycule. Fjord an Jester go on a date, leaving her alone at the flat where Beau distracts herself by smoking weed and texting Yasha. It's nothing serious, even if Yasha does tell her she likes girls, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter? From me??? Who would have thought. My deepest apologies for I have ended up with a full-time job that is taking a lot out of me. I haven't been writing much, the next chapter is still in the writing-stage but I have two weeks off over Christmas and New Years, so anything can happen! Thank you for staying subscribed, coming back, all the lovely and encouraging comments on my Tumblr while I wasn't posting updates... (Since Tumblr is dying, you can find me on Pillowfort under literally the same username as everywhere.)

It‘s a slow night at work. Those happen on occasion and Yasha doesn’t mind them much. Megan, who’s waitressing tonight, has already wiped down the few tables they have in the small restaurant several times and Yasha has pulled out a small, second-hand paperback novel out of her backpack, sitting on a small stool in the corner of the kitchen to read.

Beau’s texts definitely comes as a welcome distraction. Yasha briefly wonders why she picked her to talk to, out of all their friends. She knows she’s not a great conversationalist in person, so why would Beau want to text her? The only person who regularly texts Yasha is Molly.

It turns out, texting Beau is easier than talking to her face-to-face. Yasha can think about what she’s trying to say, avoiding jumbling together words and pausing in the middle of a sentence. And Beau- Beau actually seems interested in what she has to say.

 

They hold casual small-talk for a while, if that’s what you can call it, but when Beau mentions that she’s currently getting high, Yasha is hit by an uncomfortable creeping sensation. It throws her back to that time Beau and Molly got high together and Beau was way more affectionate and soft than she would ever be without drugs. So of course Yasha wonders why, whether Beau is just talking to her _because_ she’s getting high and it… it stings.

Beau’s reveal that her brain is seemingly just as noisy as Yasha’s sometimes is almost a relief. Plus, aside from the fact that they’re talking for once, there doesn’t seem to be anything off with Beau. Their conversation drifts to family and Yasha, after some hesitation, decides to share when Beau asks. First names, then the picture of her siblings she keeps on her phone. She tries not to hard to think about Kirill, but the fact that Beauregard actually seems to care is kind of nice. Beau, in return, shares some of her childhood after Yasha asks, although she doesn’t seem to like her parents as much.

 

She takes a moment to consider whether to tell Beau or not. So far, the only person she’s kinda out to is Molly. Molly, who she trusts more than anyone. Molly, who is her queerplatonic partner. She’s still getting used to that particular recent change, but in reality it hasn’t changed much.

Beau however… Beau would probably understand. She likes girls and girls only, so if anyone could relate to Yasha, it would be her. She quickly sends the message before she can regret it.

_I think I like girls._

 

It’s not immediate regret but after a few minutes with no response, slow dread settles in. Maybe she did something wrong. Maybe she offended Beau in a way she doesn’t know.

Maybe Beau is just busy.

For all she knows, Beau could probably just be very high, chilling on the balcony and having forgotten all about her. Although, with a glance outside the restaurant windows, it’s getting kind of dark and since it’s not summer yet, kind of cold as well.

Yasha tries to return her attention back to the restaurant, working on a few orders that trickle in, checking her phone in-between to no avail. She considers texting Molly just to let them know what’s going on but then decides against it. Molly is smart, they’d probably put two and two together and deduce that Yasha likes Beau which… maybe? She hasn’t really directly considered that idea.

 

_I’m going home now, thank you for keeping me company for a while._

She decides that one last text isn’t too much and sends it while making her way to the tram to ride home. She’s not expecting a response, at this point Beau has probably forgotten about their conversation, maybe she’s even asleep. But just as she steps on the tram, her phone starts buzzing repetitively.

_Beau: sorry got distracted_

_Beau: welcome to the club I guess_

_Beau: and thanks for hanging out with me too_

_Beau: maybe ill come by to see you at work next time your bored_

_Beau: if thats okay_

There’s a soft smile creeping on her face and she doesn’t bother hiding it because it’s late at night and there’s barely any people on the tram car and they don’t know what Yasha’s smiling at anyway. They don’t know that the idea of Beau showing up at her workplace, sitting on one of the empty crates in the kitchen while she’s making pelmeni and just talking to her… it’s kind of nice.

‘ _It’s okay.’,_ she types. _‘We all have things going on. Good Night, Beau.’_ She adds a crescent moon emoji and a night with stars emoji. She kind of likes these. They express her feelings better than words could. Or in this case, just add a nice touch.

Beau’s response is quicker now. Quick and short and completely throwing Yasha off.

_Beau: night -blue heart emoji-_

She knows the heart emoji, Molly’s favourite is always the purple one. She’s carefully started sending some back to them but to get a heart emoji from Beau…

_It means nothing._

It means _everything_.

She stares at it and doesn’t know what to do and almost misses her stop because of it, quickly jumping to the doors and stepping out onto the street. Pocketing her phone, she walks the short distance home.

 

Her brain is completely occupied with the blue heart, she gives an absent-minded greeting to Molly who’s lounging on their bed in their pyjamas, looking up from their laptop.

“Everything okay, Yash?” Of course they would notice.

She hums and nods, dropping off her bag in her room, putting her phone down on her nightstand and staring at it as if it might explode and minute.

“Tired?”, Molly prods from the other room. Their rooms lie across from each other and they can basically look from one bed to the other when both doors are open.

“Yeah”, Yasha says. It’s not quite a lie.

“Wanna cuddle?”

It’s become a more regular part of their days, occasionally cuddling together, Molly being more open about their affectionate tendencies. They’ve tried holding hands when out and about but that still feels weird to Yasha, so most of the things happen in the safety of their little flat.

She hesitates, still staring at her phone.

“Yes”, she says. “Let’s… let’s do that.”

“Okay.”

She can hear Molly rummaging around behind her back, presumably clearing their bed to make room and she pulls off her sweater first and then her dark grey jeans to slip into some more comfortable sweat pants.

When she returns to Molly’s room in her comfortable clothes, they are sitting in the middle of the bed, the fairy lights the only source of light in the room, some incense burning on the window sill. The big tapestry with the image of the Platinum Dragon covers the wall at the head of the bed and the small figurine of the Moonweaver stands on their bedside table.

“C’mere”, Molly beckons and she climbs onto the bed next to them and then, with a small huff, curls into a ball, resting her head in their lap.

They slowly comb their fingers through her hair, scratching her head between her braids just the way she likes it. Neither of them speak for a while but when she has enough, she simply takes their hand and just holds it, resting against her neck, their thumb brushing back and forth in a comforting way.

“I got something for you in the mail today”, they finally say.

“Oh… okay?”

“Remember when we talked about going to the parade and you said you would come and I promised to get you the best outfit?”

Yasha pulls herself up to sit next to them. “Yeah?”

Molly grabs a box from the end of the bed. “I got you a few.”

They pull out three shirts in total, two black and one a dark grey. The dark grey one simply says “I find your lack of pride disturbing”, topped by a rainbow. The first black one has the words “equality” printed repeatedly in rainbow colours. The final one that Molly holds up says in big white letters “I support trans rights because I’m not an idiot”.

“That one”, Yasha says and reaches for it.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” She’s already pulling off her t-shirt, just in her sports bra for a moment before putting on the new shirt. It fits perfectly.

Molly stares. And then they fling their arms around her, almost tackling her onto the bed if she weren’t as solid as a rock.

“Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you-”

Yasha just hugs them close, letting them mumble their gratitude into her chest for something she doesn’t quite understand. Eventually they pull back, running a hand through their tangled hair and looking at her in her new shirt.

“You look great.”

“Thank you.” Yasha carefully reaches over to take their hand. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m… I’m good.” Their eyes meet and Molly smiles. “I’m just so happy because you- the shirt-”

“Good. I want you to be happy.”

Molly makes some indistinguishable noise and cuddles back into her side. She lifts her arm and lets them.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

She arrives at the student society building around the same time as Calianna the next day. Usually she’s running late but her last lecture got cut short and she has some time to spare. She gives Cali a short wave and heads for the door but then remembers that Cali’s in her wheelchair and can’t use the stairs.

Calianna seems to notice her hesitancy.

“Oh, no, I’m taking the elevator”, she says and rolls past the entrance along the building. “You wanna come for a ride?”

“This building has an elevator?”, Yasha replies but follows her nonetheless.

They make their way around to the back of the building where what looks like a glass-tower has been added to the building. Cali pulls out a key and fits it into the lock next to the elevator doors, setting the elevator into motion by turning the key.

“Are you having a good pride month? I’m really enjoying it here in Zadash, it’s so much better than back home. And we get to walk in the parade, it’s going to be so awesome, don’t you think?”, she starts chattering.

Yasha just nods along and then the elevator doors open, Calianna expertly moves her wheelchair inside and Yasha follows.

“Is it your first pride parade?”, Calianna continues. “Do you even have pride in Xhorhas? Oh, shit, sorry, I shouldn’t be asking-”

“No, it’s fine”, Yasha manages to throw in. “We- we don’t have pride month in Xhorhas. We don’t celebrate… queer people like you do here.”

Cali nods hastily.

“But… I like it”, Yasha concludes. “It seems fun.”

“You’re coming to the parade, right?”

“Yes. Molly got me a t-shirt for it.”

“Oh, did they? That’s so sweet!”

Yasha nods and smiles a little to herself and then they arrive at the first floor and the elevator doors open and Cali rolls out.

“Thank you for joining me”, she says. “I always feel so silly rolling around the back of the building all by myself and to be the only person to take an elevator...”

“It’s no problem”, Yasha says and then in a moment of awkwardness pats her on the shoulder.

She could swear she sees Calianna blush before rolling down the hallway and into the Queer Society’s room.

 

A few people are already there and Yasha quickly scans the room for Molly but there’s no sign of purple hair yet. Instead she spots the excitedly bouncing blue curls of Jester, who’s kneeling on the sofa next to Fjord, talking animatedly. Fjord smiles at her with a fond smile and it’s almost like always, except they’re holding hands. Yasha cocks her head sideways a bit in mild confusion but then decides to ignore it, hangs up her jacket at one of the hooks next to the door and walks towards the sofa.

“Hello Yasha”, Fjord says, because he spots her approaching first. Jester whirls around and grins at her.

“Hi Yashaaaaa!”

“Uhm… hi”, Yasha replies, slightly taken aback. “Can I sit here?”

“Of course, of course!”, Jester says. “I’ll make some room.”

“Oh, uhm, it’s fine, there’s enough-”

Jester has already taken a seat on Fjord’s lap, beaming at him and then grinning back up at Yasha.

Something is definitely going on.

Yasha drops her bag under the coffee table and then takes a seat on the sofa, a comfortable distance away from the two of them. She looks at Fjord for an explanation because she probably won’t get one from Jester at this point, but he’s just smiling at Jester, his arms wrapped around her waist.

“Oh my gosh!”, Calianna squeals. Yasha hasn’t even noticed her rolling up to the sofa. “You two!”

Jester just grins and nods in response which is even more strange for her.

“You need to tell me everything!”

“Well, technicallyyyyy I said I would wait for Molly to be here too, technically.”

“I’m here”, Molly’s voice comes from the door like he’d just been waiting for his cue, his hair in a messy top-bun and dressed in skinny jeans and a colourful patterned shirt he found at a charity shop back in Trostenwald. “What’s going on? Why are you in Fjord’s lap? Oh my Moonweaver, are you two…?”

Jester wiggles out of Fjord’s grasp and skips over to her friends, joining them in a hushed but obviously excited conversation that presumably explains exactly what’s going on and the lead-up to it in much detail.

“So, you and Jester?”, Yasha says to Fjord.

He nods. “Yeah. Me and Jester...”

“Ah, that is… good to know.”

And that’s all that is said on the matter between them.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

The lead-up to the pride parade is stressful for the whole Queer Society. Their banner that is going to be carried at the front of the group, still isn’t decided on, mainly because they can’t agree on one title for the group.

“The Soltryce Academy’s Queer Society sounds so booooring!”, Jester declares, lounging on one of the sofas.

It’s Monday morning and it’s less than a week until the parade. Yasha has two free hours between lectures and has come to see Molly, Jester and Cali who are throwing around idea’s in the student society building.

“It’s kind of our title though, darling”, Molly replies, jotting down some notes in their planner. “What do you suggest?”

“The Sparkly Queer Uni Group!”

“No.”

“Queeeeeer… I have nothing.”

“What about The Taryon Darrington Queer Society?”, Cali suggests.

Molly rolls his eyes. “I’m pretty sure Tary wrote that as a joke on the check-”

“I like it!”, Jester declares. “People will see it and they will think, oh, they’re so cool, they’re in the society that famous Taryon Darrington founded!”

“Except he didn’t found the Queer Society here”, Molly corrects her. “He is an alumni who used to be part of the Gay and Lesbian Union, the predecessor of this society. He donated a few hundred gold so we can keep doing this without having to rely too much on the University’s funds.”

“So the least we can do is walk during the pride parade in his name”, Jester retorts.

“Isn’t that like misuse of a name or something?”

“Technicallyyyyy we’re just using his suggestion, technically.”

“That’s true”, Calianna agrees. “He did write it on the check. Even if it was only the check for the photo.”

“Who is this Taryon person?”, Yasha interjects. “Should I know him?”

“Yes”, Molly and Jester say simultaneously.

“He’s a gay YouTuber, originally from Deastok but he started travelling and vlogging after he finished university- here in Zadash”, Calianna explains. “He’s better-known in Tal’dorei, he lives there most of the time.”

“A few years ago he got a book deal and he published a bunch of short stories about him and his friends”, Molly continues. “Kind of egocentric but some of them are hilarious. Made a bunch of money off of it and donated some of it to our society.”

“Okay...”, Yasha says because she’s not quiet sure what else. It all seems kind of irrelevant to her, what matters is that apparently they got money from this person for the Queer Society and now they’re putting his name on a banner.

“I think we should do it”, Jester decides. “It’s good publicity.”

Molly taps his knee with his pen for a moment and then lets out a sigh. “Fine. Put it on the banner. And write ‘Queer Society of the Soltryce Academy’ under it, in smaller letters. Just for clarification.”

“Okay okay okay.” Jester makes some notes in her pink journal. “But just so you knooooow, nobody really cares anyway. It’s pride, we’re all there for the party.”

“Is it… really a party?”, Yasha asks. “I thought it was a parade?”

“It is a parade”, Molly confirms. “Just very celebratory. It used to be a form of protest- and it still kind of is. But these days it’s more about celebrating our queerness rather than fighting for our existence.”

“There is a lot of music and it can be very loud”, Cali says. “But I usually wear earplugs- it makes it easier to enjoy everything.”

“Oh and there’s real parties afterwards”, Jester adds. “We could go to one of those-”

“They’re super crowded, Jester”, Molly interrupts her.

“Well I think we should at least have an after-party or something, you know? Like I don’t want to just go home after the parade, I wanna like hang out with all of you and have fun and celebrate...”

“So host an after-party. You have some space in your flatshare...”

“We can’t fit the whole Queer Society!”

“You don’t have to invite everyone-”

“Yes I do! People will be mad at me if I don’t invite them!”

“Jester-”

“It’s fine, it’s fine, I will figure it out.” Jester huffs, scribbles something into her notebook and then slams it shut. “But it was your idea!”

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

The night before the parade, Molly barely sleeps. Yasha can tell because she can hear him puttering around in his bedroom at 3am, occasionally wandering off into the kitchen. She wishes she could help him but this is the kind of anxious energy that she just can’t fix. She drifts off to the sounds of Molly’s sewing machine and wakes up at 6:30am to find him asleep hunched over a finished projects that she can distinguish.

She picks him up easily and carries him over to his bed but when she puts him down he whines, wrapping his arms around her like a vice, so she comes with him. Lies down next to him and pulls the blanket over them both, yawns and easily falls back asleep for another few hours.

 

They wake up to the alarm on Molly’s phone, Yasha yawning and Molly groaning. He turns off his phone first and then grabs the silver bracelet from the bedside table, slipping it onto their arm.

“Non-binary day?”, Yasha asks quietly.

“I think so. I also don’t wanna wear my binder all day, there won’t be time in between to take it off.”

“Okay.”

She runs her hand through their tangled mess of a hair and they roll over to properly look at her.

“Thank you for doing this with me”, they say.

“This?”

“The parade”, Molly clarifies. “But also this.” They gesture between the two of them. “I’m really glad we’re doing this.”

Yasha nods, still trying to untangle Molly’s hair.

“Did you know that some people call their queerplatonic partner their zucchini?”, Molly continues.

“What?”

“Their zucchini. You know- like courgettes?”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” Molly shrugs.

Yasha pulls a face. “I don’t really like courgettes, they barely taste like anything. I like pumpkins better.”

“Oh that’s cute.”

She looks at them questioningly and they smile back at her.

“I’m your pumpkin”, they say.

She chuckles. “That’s what I should tell people? ‘This is Molly, they’re my pumpkin’?”

“Yes!”

“Okay then, pumpkin. What am I?”

Molly seems to contemplate this. “I don’t know, what fits with pumpkin?”

“All I can think of is pumpkin-and-ginger soup with coconut milk”, Yasha admits. “It’s spring, we shouldn’t even be thinking about cold-days food.”

“You’re my ginger then”, Molly declares. “Pumpkin and ginger.”

“That won’t be confusing at all.”

“You got a better suggestion?”

Yasha finally sits up, fiddling with the duvet cover for a moment before saying quietly: “You’re my Molly.”

“Oh”, Molly says. “Oh… I like that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on then, my pumpkin-Molly, we gotta get dressed for a parade.”

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

The parade starts at the Pentamarket at noon and when Molly and Yasha get off the tram, the station is already packed and it takes them a while to get out onto the marketplace.

“We’re meeting over on that side!”, Molly says, striding off to the left side of the square with a certain sense of direction that Yasha doesn’t posses.

She simply follows, or tries to at least. The mass of people makes it hard and when she catches up to Molly, she grabs their arm to have something to hold onto. They look back at her and then take her hand in theirs, just for her to hold on. It’s a relief in this chaos.

 

It’s a warm, early summer day and Yasha has put her jacket in her backpack, simply donning her dark grey jeans and her pride shirt along with her combat boots. She looks casual, as opposed to Molly who’s gone all out, wearing shorts with pride patches on the back pockets, a rainbow-coloured crop top that says ‘My gender is none of your fucking business’ and a big flower crown with pink, blue and yellow flowers. Their huge rainbow coloured belly dance wings are currently folded up and strapped to their backpack, otherwise they wouldn’t have fit on the tram. At least they were sensible enough to wear sneakers instead of their originally planned high heels.

Looking around the marketplace, there’s a variety of flags and colour combinations that Yasha recognises from having been with the Queer Society for a few months now. Most predominant is the rainbow flag and a lot of people are dressed in rainbow colours. She also spots the pink-purple-blue of the bisexual flag and the pink-blue-white combination of the trans flag. It’s a lot of colours and people and noise and Yasha is glad she’s holding on to Molly.

They finally reach the edge of the marketplace and suddenly, there’s familiar faces. Most of their friends have already gathered around a handcart that seems to be holding everyone’s bags as well as refreshments and flyers, some of them are holding drinks that might be alcoholic or not- Yasha can’t really tell.

“Mollyyyyyy!” Jester’s voice is louder than all the background noise of the surroundings and she skips towards them, face covered in glitter, a flower crown on her head and shirt that shows what looks like a hamster unicorn. The print reads ‘Bisexuals do exist’ and smaller at the bottom ‘and so do hamster unicorns’.

“You look so cute!”, she declares, excitedly throwing her arms around Molly.

“So do you, darling”, Molly replies with a grin. “Love the flowers.”

Jester laughs, doing a twirl, her pink tulle skirt flowing around her knees. “Thank you! Oh, and look at you, Yasha!” She claps excitedly. “Welcome to the club!”

“I… I thought I was part of the club already?”, Yasha replies confusedly.

“She means the flower crown, dear”, Molly explains with a smile and then turns to greet some of the other people of the group.

Yasha carefully sidles up to the group, not quite sure what’s going on or what she’s supposed to do. She’s not really the kind of person to greet everyone individually, she just gives an awkward wave and stands on the sidelines while Molly makes their round.

“’Sup.”

She turns to look at Beau who has come up next to her, a bottle of something in her hand, her hair in the usual top-bun.

“Uhm… hi”, Yasha says.

“Nice shirt.” Beau nods at her in acknowledgement.

Yasha looks down at her shirt and then over at Beau’s black tank-top, which simply shows a rainbow-coloured hand giving the middle finger. It’s absolutely fitting for her.

“Yours too”, she says.

Under the rainbow flags painted on her tan cheeks like warrior paint, Beau turns a lovely shade of red.

“Uhhhhhhh”, she says. “Beer. You- you want some?” She raises her bottle.

“I don’t drink alcohol”, Yasha reminds her.

“Shit, uh... yeah, sorry… Hold on.” She turns around.

“FJORD!”, she shouts over the noise and the music. “Hey, Fjord, do we have anything non-alcoholic!?”

Fjord, who’s standing next to the handcart gives her a thumbs up and starts digging through one of the bags before looking back up.

“Cola or lemonade!?”, he shouts back.

“Cola”, Yasha says and she must’ve been loud enough because Fjord nods, pulls out a bottle and walks over to them.

“Here ya go”, he says, offering the bottle to Yasha.

She digs around in her jeans pockets and finds her pocket multi tool, folding up the bottle opener and then opening the bottle of cola with a practised flick of her wrist.

“Thanks”, she says, slipping the bottle cap and her multi tool back into her jeans pocket.

“Cheers.” Fjord holds out his bottle of beer and they clink their bottlenecks in a toast. Yasha turns to Beau to toast her as well and catches her staring.

“Uhhh, fuck...” Beau fumbles with her bottle, almost drops it but manages to clink it with Yasha’s after all.

They all take a sip from their respective bottles and Fjord chuckles, shaking his head, probably at Beau. Maybe she’s already a little drunk, Yasha doesn’t quite know what’s going on.

 

She cranes her neck to see where Molly has gone off to and spots them chatting with Jester and Calianna, whose wheelchair has a rainbow flag attached to it like a cape, high enough so it doesn’t drag on the ground.

Someone clears their throat behind them and when she turns around, she’s looking at Caleb and Nott, both of them dressed fairly inconspicuous for such an event as the annual Zadash Pride Parade. Caleb’s wearing his typical dark skinny jeans and long brown coat, a light scarf wrapped around his neck. Nott’s in all black, something Yasha finds very relatable, the hood of her sweater pulled over her head.

“Where’s your sense of pride?”, Beau asks. “This is a parade, you know that right?”

Nott wordlessly unzips her hoodie and presents a black t-shirts that has the word ‘NOPE’ written on it in big letters, a gradient from dark green to light green to white and then grey.

“Fair enough”, Beau says, nodding and then turning to Caleb. “You?”

“I- I have no pride things”, he says, looking slightly confused.

“Hold this.” Beau pushes her beer in Fjords hand and drags Caleb off towards Jester and Molly.

Nott looks after him, nervously twiddling with the strings of her hoodie. “Should I be worried?”, she asks.

“Nah”, Fjord says. “I’m sure he’ll be fine, they’ll just fix him up with a few buttons or a spare flag. We all know Caleb isn’t exactly… out and proud.”

“Yeah”, Nott croaks. “It took me a while to convince him to even come here.”

“Well, we’re glad you’re both here. You want a drink?”

“Oh, no thank you, I’m fine.” Nott takes off her backpack and pulls out a slightly scrunched up flower crown that she rightens and puts on her head before digging out what looks like a flask.

“Damn”, Fjord mutters as she takes a long swig. “You do know this is gonna go for a while, right?”

“Yeah, I know. This is liquid courage.” Nott raises her flask as a cheer and takes another swig.

 

Eventually the parade starts to assemble from the mass of people, a big mixture of foot groups, marching bands, huge floats with confetti cannons, dancers and vans with huge speakers strapped on top, blasting music across the marketplace.

The Taryon Darrington Queer Society marches proudly behind a samba drum line, even if their group is fairly small with only fifty or so people, two handcarts and one big banner that is being carried by five people in the front. Yasha volunteers since it seems to be an easy job and at least she will feel like she is of some use to the group. Fjord takes the other end and a few students, whose names Yasha still forgets because they haven’t been around for long, walk in the middle.

It’s loud.

It’s loud and people are cheering and dancing and blowing whistles and party horns. It’s an infectuous feel-good-mood and when Molly comes running up to her, pressing a glittery kiss to her cheek, Yasha can’t help but smile too.

The parade moves slowly, from the Pentamarket through the Innerstead Sprawl, through streets that Yasha’s never been through and past places she’s delivered food to before. People standing on the sidelines smile and cheer and hold out their hands for high fives and Yasha wonders if they are just infected by the celebratory nature of this event or if they actually care, if they are the relatives or friends or neighbours of people walking in the parade, if they are queer themselves, out and proud or still unsure about it.

She knows there is hate, that there are some people who are homophobic or transphobic and simply believe that queer people don’t deserve the same life as they do. She’s seen it, back in Trostenwald, on occasion when out and about with Molly. She’s seen it here in Zadash, that day she met Nott on the tram, or when her and Molly walk through one of the Academy’s hallways, seeing one of the posters advertising the Queer Society vandalised, even torn down.

But all she sees today is the overwhelming love and support for these people, the attention that is on them _in a positive way_.

She looks over at the people walking next to her, all dressed in colourful clothing, the paint on their cheeks representing their sexuality and gender identity. Fjord on the other end is smiling, not his usual tight-lipped smile, but actually showing teeth, wearing a dark grey t-shirt that seems to be of a similar design of the ones Molly got her, reading ‘EQUALITY’ in rainbow colours. Not necessarily out, but so proud.

And then there’s her.

Confused about her sexuality, cis-gender, here as an ally. It’s strange, being in this parade, because as much as she appreciates all this for her friends, she still has this nagging feeling in the back of her brain that this is not her place.

 

While they are stopping at an intersection, the parade slowing for the floats to move around corners carefully, she turns around to look for the rest of her friends. She spots Molly and Jester easily, laughing about something Yasha can’t hear. It takes her a moment to find Caleb and Nott, fairly inconspicuous within the colourful crowd, walking next to Beau who’s got her hands in her pockets, apparently having a conversation with them.

“You need a break?”, a familiar voice interrupts her though process. “I can take over holding the banner for a while if you like.”

It’s Caduceus, their pastel pink hair lined with streaks of equally pastel yellow, green and blue and purple. They’re wearing harem pants and a rainbow tie-dyed t-shirt. Yasha doesn’t recognise the symbol on the shirt, but given what she knows about Caduceus and other gender symbols, she thinks it’s that the circle with the line ending in a star on top represents non-binary gender identity.

“Yes”, she says after a hesitant moment. “Thank you.”

They smile and take the banner from her. “Enjoy yourself”, they suggest. “Dance with your friends.”

Yasha just nods at them, not mentioning that she’s really not much of a dancer, and makes her way over to Molly and Jester who are a little off to the side. They are indeed dancing, mostly on the spot right now, to the rhythms coming from the samba drum line that’s also stopped in front of their group.

“Hey!” Molly grins when they spot her, stopping their twirling with their rainbow wings blowing in the wind. They easily lift one of their soft fabric wings and brush them over Yasha’s face. “You’re having fun?”

Yasha splutters at her face full of fabric for a moment but then nods instead of lying outright because she does like the atmosphere and the happiness of people but she also feels strangely distant from it all. Molly squints at her as if they can tell she’s not being completely honest but they don’t say anything about it.

“Stick with us for a while?”, they suggest and Jester skips over to the two of them.

“Hi Yasha!”, she grins. “Are you gonna dance with us?”

“I don’t dance.”

“That’s what Chad from High School Musical said and then he did it anyway.”

Yasha looks at her, very confused even though she knows it’s probably just another pop culture reference that she doesn’t get because… well, she grew up in a different culture.

“I can show you”, Jester offers it. “It’s very easy.”

Yasha looks to Molly for help but they just smile, as if to encourage her to actually dance. She shakes her head, almost apologetic. “No, thank you.”

Jester pouts for a moment, then returns to her own little world, dancing off towards the samba drum line and joined immediately by Viveka and Moira. Molly looks after them, then back at Yasha.

“Go”, she says. “Have fun.”

“I want you to enjoy yourself, too”, they say, their wings now hanging limply to their sides. “I want you to feel good and safe and happy.” They reach for their neck, unsnapping where the wings are attached to it, taking them off. Not what Yasha had in mind.

“Molly, you don’t...”

“Shut up.” They roll their wings together and walk over to the nearest handcart, stuffing them into the side and then march back to Yasha. “Talk to me. What’s wrong? What’s going through your head right now?”

“I don’t belong here.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m not… I’m not proud, like you.”

“And?”

Yasha looks at Molly and it hits her in that moment. That Molly will probably try and try again to understand her, to ‘get’ her, but they never will. Not fully. They won’t understand that she’ll always feel a bit out-of-place because she’s a refugee in a country that’s at war with her motherland. No matter how hard she tries to fit in with her friends, there’s always that disconnect, a pun or a figure of speech she misses, a reference she doesn’t get, something she doesn’t know about.

“It doesn’t matter”, she says. “Let’s not talk about it here.”

Molly frowns at her but before they can say anything, the parade starts moving around them again.

Without thinking to much about it, Yasha reaches for their hand. Their initial look of surprise turns into a smile and they lace their fingers with hers, following her along. Someone bumps into her on her other side and when she looks over, she sees Nott stumbling a bit over her own feet, pressed forward by the group.

“Here”, Yasha says, holding her other hand out to Nott. She notices Caleb, who’s walking on Nott’s other side, doing the same and suddenly it doesn’t feel so strange any more. Nott looks up at her with big eyes, quickly wipes her hands on her pants and then grabs both Caleb’s and Yasha’s hands.

It takes the group like a storm, people holding each other’s hands, and when Yasha looks around the group, almost everyone holding on to someone else, she doesn’t feel so alienated any more.

 

The parade ends in front of the King’s Hall, where people that Yasha doesn’t know hold speeches on a big stage. It doesn’t seem to matter much, most of the Queer Society lounges around the two handcarts, having a sit-in in the middle of the crowd, eating cookies that someone brought along and just resting their feet from the march.

Yasha’s sitting cross-legged next to Caleb and Nott and just like her, they seem much more comfortable than at the beginning of the parade. To be fair, Nott also seems a lot more drunk, but at least she’s happy, grinning widely at the people around her, the flower crown on her head slightly askew.

“You’re wearing my flower crown!”, she suddenly exclaims, looking at Yasha.

“Yes?”

“Caleb, she’s wearing my flower crown!”

“ _Was?_ ”

“Yasha! I made her a flower crown! She’s wearing it!”

“It looks very nice”, Caleb acknowledges, looking at Yasha and then back at Nott.

“I knew girls liked flowers”, Nott mutters, more to herself and then takes another drag from her flask.

Yasha looks helplessly to Caleb for another explanation but he just seems as clueless as her about what’s going on with Nott right now.

It’s in this moment that Molly comes running up to the group, calling her name. They’ve been out exploring with Jester, checking out other groups, floats and probably collecting bags full of goodies as well as distributing their own flyers amongst the mass of people.

“Yash, Yasha!”, they call. “Come on, I gotta show you something!”

They pull on her arm until she gets up, nodding to Caleb and Nott before following her queerplatonic partner through the mass of people. Unlike the floats, that have driven off to who-knows-where, most foot groups are still gathered on the square with their signs and banners. One of which Molly and her are approaching now.

She knows they’re approaching that particular one because she spots a sign that says ‘Queer Refugees Welcome’ in rainbow colours. Before she can say anything, Molly has dragged her right in.

“This is my friend Yasha”, they say to someone. “She’s been in the Empire for six years now.”

A man with dark brown hair and startling blue eyes looks up at her. He’s wearing a white t-shirt with the same logo as the sign she saw, so it must be an organisation.

“Hi”, she says, raising her hand in greeting.

“Xaver”, the man says and offers her a hand to shake. She takes it, giving it a quick squeeze, still trying to gather her thoughts.

“You fled Xhorhas because of… your sexuality?”, Xaver asks. His accent is stronger than hers, maybe he didn’t take to speaking Common as easily as she did- or maybe he still speaks Xhorhasian a lot.

She knits her brows. “No, I… I fled because of the regime.” As if there could be any matter more pressing to leave the country than the constant threat of starvation and the nearing war.

“Yes, of course. But… excuse my asking- are you queer?”

Yasha hesitates for a moment. She’s not ready to out herself, Molly and Beau are the few exceptions she has made so far. She still hasn’t put a label on herself so… “I guess? I mean, I didn’t know about it when I was in Xhorhas.”

“Oh”, Xaver says, almost sounding disappointed. “Well, if you’re interested in connecting with other queer Xhorhasian refugees, you’re welcome to join us.” He hands her a flyer. “We meet every Wednesday at the Leaky Tap.”

“Oh, I know that place!”, Molly chimes in. “That’s not too far off from where we live.”

“I will think about it”, Yasha says, taking the flyer. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Xaver’s mouth twitches in a barely-there smile and Yasha sees it as their cue to leave.

So she turns around and does so, faintly hearing Molly’s goodbyes behind her. She doesn’t want to disappoint them but it kind of happened. Another group of people she doesn’t fit in with. People who, unlike her, did know about their gender identity and sexuality before they fled Xhorhas, who might have even fled _because_ of it.

 

She doesn’t quite see where she’s going when she bumps into someone.

“Sorry, sorry”, she mutters, rubbing her temple because she’s kind of getting a headache and the music is loud and she _doesn’t belong here_.

“Oh hey, are you okay?”, a low and calm voice asks. She knows that voice. Caduceus.

“Yeah”, she says. Lying comes so easy at this point.

“We’re gonna go take a break in a café I know, a street over from here”, they say and she notices Viveka standing behind them. They’re are clearly on their way off the square. “It’s been a bit much, I’d like some tea. If you wanna join me...”

“Yeah, okay.”

“We’ll be back in an hour or so”, Caduceus says, and she realises that they’re talking to Molly who’s pushed through the crowd and has wound up standing next to them. “Text me if you leave before that.”

“Okay...”, Molly says, frowning. They put their hand on Yasha’s elbow. “I’m sorry, Yash...”

“It’s not your fault”, she replies. That much is true. Molly has tried their hardest, over and over again, to make her feel welcome and included, but it’s no help when everything in her brain is telling her otherwise. She leans down, the short distance to them, and kisses their forehead. “We’ll be back.”

The small sign of affection seems to give them some reassurance as they visibly perk up and smile a little. “Okay. Love you.”

She simply blinks at them, giving a small smile back, and then follows Caduceus and Viveka.

 

They make their way to a small café hidden away in one of the alleys just off the square. As soon as they enter with a small bell announcing their arrival, a sense of calm washes over Yasha. Maybe it’s the quiet instrumental music playing in the background, maybe the soft smell of incense.

Caduceus obviously seems to know the owner, introducing him as Pumat Sol to the girls. They take a seat in a corner, Caduceus and Viveka on an ancient-looking sofa and Yasha in an armchair that is surprisingly comfortable and upholstered in velvet, which reminds her of Mollymauk.

She lets out a deep sigh and catches Viveka smiling.

“It’s a lot, isn’t it?”, the other girl says, taking out a pair of purple earplugs that she’d seemingly been wearing during the parade. “I always get overstimulated from these kinds of things. You just gotta know your limits, you know?”

Yasha nods mutely and glances at the small, two-sided menu that’s placed in a holder in the middle of the coffee table between them. She’s not really sure why she’s here or what she wants, but she’s glad Caduceus asked her to come. Her gaze wanders over to the person in question, who has closed their eyes, leaning back, breathing calmly as if they’re taking a nap. Viveka doesn’t seem perturbed by it at all, picking up the menu to read instead, so Yasha decides not to question it either.

After a few minutes of quiet at the table, Pumat Sol comes over from behind the counter, a small notepad in hand. His voice is slow and drawling, like syrup. It might just be the most calming thing in the whole place.

“What can I get you lovely people on this fine, sunny Saturday afternoon?”

Viveka places the menu back down in the middle of the table. “I’ll have a chai, but with hemp milk please.”

“We can certainly do that”, Pumat replies, jotting down the order.

“I’ll have your seasonal herbal blend”, Caduceus says without opening their eyes.

“One Pumat Spring, a very good choice. And for you?”

Yasha looks at him, not really expecting to have to make a choice right at this moment. “I- uhm- a chai as well?”

“Of course. Would you like plant milk with that or cow milk?”

“Uh… Just normal milk, please.”

“Cow milk it is.” Pumat finishes up writing down their orders and shuffles back behind the counter so start making their drinks.

Caduceus finally opens their eyes again, smiling at Yasha.

“I figured you needed a break from everything”, they say. “I have a feeling about these things, usually. People’s moods and such. You’ve been feeling conflicted, haven’t you?”

Yasha squints at them. “Yeah…?”

“I figured”, Caduceus says, nodding. “I think we all get these feelings at some point, different as we are. You just have to realise that- you know- you’re different. And that’s okay.”

A bright smile, like sunshine, spreads across their entire face and Yasha can’t help but smile back. It doesn’t brush away all her worries, but for now she’s calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I will finish this fic at some point. I have plans. The burn is so slow I am almost sorry...


	13. happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time [Beau]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: _Yasha confesses to Beau that she likes girls and gets torn up over a single blue heart emoji. The Queer Society decides to march at the Zadash Pride Parade under the name of "The Taryon Darrington Queer Society". During the parade, Yasha feels lost and unsure about her place in the group, something even Molly's encouragements can't fix. Luckily, Caduceus knows just what to do when you're overwhelmed by everything - tea._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry early Christmas! I'm slowly getting places with this and I also have 2 weeks of holiday break from work, a certain amount of which I am hoping to spend writing for this. Definitely not throwing in the towel now. ;)

Zadash Pride is a blast. Beau has been to quite a few protests and raves, but never anything like this parade. She gets a nice amount of tipsy from the beer she keeps chugging and the mood is infectuous to the point that she joins Jester in dancing along to the samba drum line that’s walking in front of their group during the parade.

Jester is in a ridiculously good mood, bouncing between Fjord, Molly, Calianna and Beau excitedly. She’s giving away hugs and kisses like they’re extra change and just for a moment Beau wishes she could kiss her- kiss her properly- right there, in front of the King’s Hall, while a band is playing songs about how love is love, no matter what anyone says. But despite the fact that they’re kind of doing this officially now, with Fjord knowing and everything… Beau’s part of the relationship is not a public one.

So instead she watches Fjord and Jester kiss and tries not to look around for Yasha. Molly has disappeared with her into the crowd a few minutes ago and they haven’t returned yet.

She’s been thinking about what to do since their text conversation, over a week ago now. She can’t just put her moves on Yasha like she would with every other girl because- well, she’s awkward with Yasha. She would embarrass herself. So she tries her best _not_ to do that and instead act as normal as she can.

Except being normal takes her nowhere. She’s been attempting to get to know Yasha better, be friendly. It’s not an easy task with Yasha, who’s never around for long, not talking much, even when prompted. She seems to be so easygoing with Molly, but with everyone else there’s an emotional distance that none of them can bridge. Certainly not Beau who isn’t good at… emotional stuff.

Usually she would ask Fjord for help with the social stuff, but this stupid crush is the one thing she won’t tell him about. It’s bad enough that Jester knows and teases her about it on a regular basis.

Besides, she doesn’t know how that would fit into their current constellation. How would Yasha react to the fact that Beau is also in a relationship with Jester? Would she be okay, or want her to choose? And how would Beau know how to choose right?

Shaking herself out of her thoughts, she walks over to her friends, slipping an arm easily around Jester.

“Glad you made us do this, Jes”, she says, grinning at Jester.

“Not bad for a first pride”, Fjord adds from the other side.

Jester beams, her arms around both of of their waists. “I’m so happy you’re both here. My two favourite people. Aside from my Mama, obviousleee… but I wish she could be here too. I’m sure she’d love it.” Her face falls a bit.

“Wanna send her a picture?”, Fjord suggests.

Jester immediately perks back up, pulling her phone out of her back pocket and unlocking it before handing it to Fjord. “Take a selfie of us!”

Her boyfriend obliges, holding out the phone at an angle that includes the three of them, all squishing together to fit into frame. He snaps a few pictures and Beau tries her best to look friendly, which is something she’s always had an issue with. She has a resting bitch face and her smiles all look fake somehow.

“Now kiss my cheeks!”, Jester demands. “Both of you.”

It’s probably doesn’t come as a surprise that when Beau picks up Jester’s phone later at their flat to charge it alongside her own, her lockscreen is a slightly blurry picture of Fjord and Beauregard pressing their lips to the dimples in her cheeks.

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

They end up at their flatshare for an after-party of sorts. The King’s Hall is actually not too far away from the Innerstead Sprawl where they live, so it’s an easy walk and most of the core group joins them on Jester’s cheery invitation. They drag out their alcohol reserves, raiding the storage cupboards for any snacks they can find and someone has already made a call for takeaway.

The call for “Shots shots shots!” comes from the living room and the stereo has been turned on, maybe a bit too loud but their neighbours haven’t come complaining yet.

Beau is in the middle of it (although, surprisingly, not the person shouting for shots), drinking from a glass of some weird shit mixed together by Molly and waiting for the other people in the round to pick their white answer cards to her black card of ‘I drink to forget ______’ in a game of “Cards against Humanity”. To her surprise there’s some people in the round that rarely speak up during Queer Society meetings but pick some of the wittiest answers.

“Okay, everyone ready?”, she says, puts down her drink and throws a last look over to the kitchen where Fjord is leaning against the counter, a beer in hand, chatting with Caduceus who’s making some tea. Turning back around she looks at the round of people sitting at the coffee table, some on the sofa, some on the ground. “Hand in your cards.”

She gets a total of eight white cards and shuffles them immediately without looking at them. When she finally _does_ look, she can’t help but snort. “Wow, you people are mean as fuck.”

“Isn’t that what the whole game is about?”, Molly replies with a smirk.

Beau just shakes her head and starts laying out the cards she got. “Okay, so we got… an unsolicited dick-pic, tentacle porn, queerbaiting, ripping open a man’s chest and pulling out his still-beating heart, my inner demons, daddy issues, the Chroma Conclave and remembering that time Draconia existed. Oh man, I wanna forget so many of those things…” There’s a mixture of reactions in the group, ranging from laughter to groans as Beau lays out the cards on the coffee table. She takes another sip from her weird mix and tries to think of a winner to choose.

“To be fair, whoever picked the unsolicited dick-pic one- bravo”, she says. “I don’t ever wanna remember a dick-pic ever.”

“Fuck yeah!”, Nott loudly chimes in, slightly slurring her speech already. “Dicks suck!”

“I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to suck the dick and not the other way ‘round”, Caleb mutters quietly and then immediately turns beet red at realising what he just said, accompanied by the roaring laughter of everyone else.

“Dick-pic it is!”, Beau declares. “Who picked that one?”

Finley raises their hand and cheerily announces: “Me!”

Someone, who’s keeping track of the points, marks down one for Finley and the game continues, evil and rude as always. There’s more alcohol, they run out of snacks and order more pizza, at some point they turn on some crappy rom-com and start a drinking game over ridiculous tropes.

Nott is the first one to pass out, having drunk for way too long and way too much. Jester and Yasha pick her up easily, carrying her into Jester’s room and letting her snore on, curled up in the giant bean bag in the corner and covered by a blanket.

A few people take off, lowering the volume level of the flat to some degree, but it’s a surprise how tolerant their neighbours are, only coming over once to ask them to turn down the music a bit. In all fairness, Beau’s pretty sure the elderly lady living under them is deaf anyway, but they’re not trying to be complete arseholes.It’s just like any other lazy evening in their flatshare, except with more people and a giant cuddle puddle on the sofa.

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

At some point she scans the room and it takes her a few seconds to notice who’s missing from the group. Caleb has once again succeeded to blend in enough that he’s become practically invisible and just slipped off to who-knows-where. She wouldn’t give too much of a damn if it weren’t Caleb, who she knows doesn’t do well with crowds, who’s probably only come along because Nott asked him to, who is kind of her friend.

Beau wanders into the kitchen but there’s only Bryce, Finley and Keg chatting and eating pretzles. She checks Fjords room and the small bathroom next, but to no avail. The bedrooms are off-limits after all and so far, nobody has seemed to be willing to cross that line. Looking into her bedroom and then Jester’s confirms this, so there’s only one place left to check.

She knocks on the door of the main bathroom.

“Just a minute”, comes the strained answer.

Beau leans against her bedroom door and waits. Maybe he really did just need to use the toilet, but from what she knows about Caleb, he likes to hide.

It takes another half minute before eventually the door opens and Caleb steps out.

He looks horrible.

Even paler than usual, his eyes bloodshot, he barely meets Beau’s eyes. She notices his hands shaking as well, skittish like he’s about to run except there’s nowhere to go because Beau is blocking his path and she knows she could take him, easily.

“Come on”, she says, opening her bedroom door for him.

“ _Was?_ ”

“You look like you’re about to have a breakdown, I’m giving you an out.”

“Oh-”

He looks like he’s frozen in place so she reaches for his arm and pulls him into her dark room.

“Sit.”

She pushes him down onto her bed, turning on the bedside lamp that casts everything in a soft warm glow.

“What do you need?”, she asks. “Do you need quiet? Do you take any meds? Do you want me to get anyone else?”

Caleb just stares at the carpet, not really responding. Shutting down, which is not helpful at all right now. Beau crouches down in front of him, trying to meet his gaze but he just squeezes his eyes shut.

“What do you need, Caleb?”, she repeats, quietly but clearly so he can understand her.

“Nott?”, he finally croaks.

Beau thinks of Nott, passed-out drunk in the bean bag in Jester’s room. “Nott can’t help you right now. Sorry, buddy. Anyone else.” She tries to think of who would know how to help right now. “Jester?” A headshake, no. “Caduceus?” No again. “Your Zemnian buddy- what’s her name? Viveka?” She can see the tears glistening in Caleb’s eyes now and it’s so strange, seeing this boy- man really, as he is several years her senior- so helpless.

“Molly?”, she suggests as a final option.

It seems to be the right one, because Caleb nods, letting out a shaky breath. She doesn’t pretend to understand the complex relationships between her friends, so she doesn’t question Caleb’s choice in person. Anyone in their group is probably better equipped to deal with this than her.

“Okay”, Beau says. “Okay, uhm...” She grabs her thick fleece blanket from the foot of the bed and wraps it around Caleb’s shoulders, then presses a pillow into his arms. “Stay put, I’ll get Molly.”

She steps back out of her bedroom and makes her way back into the living room.

Mollymauk is lounging on the couch, leaning against Yasha and nursing a drink that looks very pink. She tries to catch their eye but with no luck. They’re too involved in a discussion that is happening, that Beau lost track of while she was checking on Caleb. She steps closer and flicks the part of them that in reach for her- their shoulder.

“Ouch!” They flinch and turn around to her. “What was that for?”

“I need your help”, she says, crossing her arms.

Molly eyes her curiously and the attention of the whole group they were talking to has shifted to her. “Are you coming on to me?”

“Ew, no! Why would you- no!” She pulls a face. “Can you just come with me for a second?”

“Why?”

“Can we not-” She throws a glance at the other people in the round and then groans quietly. “Just come with me. _Please._ ”

She’s getting kind of uncomfortable but she also doesn’t want to put Caleb’s problems out for everyone to know. Luckily, Molly lets out a sigh and then gets up to follow her.

“What’s going on?”, they ask again when they’re in the small hallway and away from everyone.

“How drunk are you?”, Beau asks in return, watching them carefully. “I need you to be sober right now.”

“I’m fine”, Molly snaps back, obviously annoyed by her acting so mysterious. “I can handle my liquor.”

“Okay. Because Caleb needs you.”

“Caleb?”

“He’s having a breakdown. I would’ve gotten Nott if she weren’t already passed-out. He agreed to get you instead- well, he kinda went non-verbal. I can’t deal with that very well.”

“Oh… Oh shit.” Molly immediately seems to sober up at this. “Okay, where is he?”, they ask, wiping their hands on their t-shirt quickly.

Wordlessly, Beau opens up the door to her bedroom again and steps inside.

“Hey Cay”, she says. “I got you a Molly.”

Caleb’s almost like she left him, sitting on the side of her bed, huddled in the blanket she put around him. He doesn’t even look up, his hands still shaking, his eyes fixed on the carpet. Beau doesn’t know what to do with him, but apparently Molly seems to have a better clue.

“Oh, Caleb...”, they sigh, and stepping past Beau and kneeling down in front of their friend. “What’s going on? Are you- can I touch you? Is that okay?”

Caleb nods and Molly reaches out, taking his trembling hands in theirs.

“Okay, can you breathe with me?”, they continue. “Deep breath in... and then let it all back out.”

Caleb follows their instructions after a moment’s hesitation and Beau takes this as her cue to leave the two them, stepping back out into the hallway and closing the door behind her.

She takes a moment, lingering in the small hallway in case Molly needs something else from her. When she doesn’t hear any calls from her room, she steps back into the living room. Their friends have returned to their conversation, not paying her any mind when she comes back, Only Yasha looks over at her and their eyes meet.

It hits Beau like a freight train when she realises she wants Yasha to look at her like that for a lot longer than just a few seconds. That she wants Yasha to look at her and think about her and care about her.

She blinks and Yasha is still watching her and her heart is racing now, so she takes the quickest way out and turns into the kitchen.

The people who were snacking here before seem to have migrated back to the living room or left entirely and the kitchen is blessedly empty. In lieu of a glass, which they are all out thanks to the group of people they’re having over, she grabs her favourite mug from the cupboard and fills it with water. If the situation with Caleb has shown her anything, it’s that she’s too drunk right now and she definitely doesn’t want to wake up with a pounding headache tomorrow morning.

“Everything okay?”

She almost drops the mug and it clatters when she puts it down on the counter top with a jittery hand.

“Jeez, don’t scare me like that”, she hisses and turns around to face Yasha, who’s standing in the doorway. “Everything’s fine.”

Yasha looks at her as if she can clearly tell that something is off, but can’t figure out what exactly.

“Where’s Molly?”, she asks.

“With Caleb”, Beau replies. “Emotional support.”

“Oh… okay.”

Beau picks up her mug again and drinks. She only realises how thirsty she’s been when she almost downs the entire thing in a few gulps.

Yasha still hovers awkwardly in the doorway as if without Molly, she’s unsure where she belongs in this space.

“Want a drink?”, Beau offers, because she’s standing in front of the fridge anyway. Yasha shakes her head. “Ice cream?”

“Huh?”

Beau opens the freezer portion of the fridge and pulls out a pint of Cookie Dough ice cream that has ‘BEAUREGARD’ written on it in black marker. “I’m willing to share if you want some.”

She wouldn’t have done this if she were sober. But she’s not, she’s tired and drunk and really not in a mood to join the chatty group back outside in the living room. Her bedroom is kind of occupied right now, so the kitchen becomes her hiding place.

“Okay.” Yasha steps into the kitchen and Beau looks up in surprise.

“Really?”

“I like ice cream.”

“Can you grab some spoons then?”

Beau gestures over at the drawers that are closer to Yasha than herself and the other girl finds what she’s looking for after a bit of searching.

In the meantime, Beau has, instead of taking the expected seat at the tiny breakfast table, slid down to the floor in front of the radiator on the wall. She doesn’t exactly know why she did that but when Yasha takes a seat next to her, their shoulders almost touching, she knows it was a good choice.

“Here.” Yasha hands her a teaspoon. “What are we eating?”

“Cookie Dough ice cream”, Beau says, showing the brand logo to her. “I might have already eaten some of it, I can’t remember.” She pulls the lid off the pint and there are indeed marks of someone having a few spoons full of ice cream. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

Yasha hesitates with her spoon in hand and Beau holds the pint out to her to take some ice cream. “Go ahead.”

She wouldn’t have expected her pride parade day to end like this, sitting on the kitchen floor and sharing a pint of ice cream with the girl she likes. They alternate taking spoonfuls of ice cream and Beau quickly learns that Yasha loves to dig around for the chocolate pieces while she herself carves into the dough parts.

“Did you have fun today?”, she asks after a while.

Yasha seems to contemplate this for a moment before answering. “Yes, mostly.”

“Mostly?”

“I’m not a party person. I’m sorry...”

“You don’t have to apologise for that”, Beau quickly interrupts her. “So you’re probably enjoying this here as much as Caleb right now, huh?”

“What’s wrong with Caleb?”

“He doesn’t like parties either.” That’s an understatement. Caleb is definitely coping far worse with this party-situation than Yasha is. “I’m sorry you got pulled into this.”

“I just want Molly to be happy.”

Beau cocks her head at that. It comes out almost like an automated answer and it catches her attention.

“You know you don’t have to do everything Molly says, right?”, she says. “Their happiness isn’t more important than yours.”

Yasha lowers her spoon and Beau freezes at the thought that she might’ve said something wrong. “I didn’t mean it to come out like that-”

“Molly is… They mean a lot to me”, Yasha says quietly. “My family is in Xhorhas, here I only have Molly.”

Beau didn’t mean for their conversation to suddenly go that deep but now they’re here, the ice cream in the pint slowly melting and neither of them continuing to eat.

“Yasha...”, she starts, trying to think of what to say. “You know we’re all here for you, right? You’re one of us. This weird group of people…

Yasha shakes her head. “I don’t really belong here.”

And oh, how that hurts. Beau tries to think of an answer but they all just get stuck in her throat. She knows what it’s like to feel like you don’t belong- to know like you don’t belong even. Beau has never belonged within her family, but here, now, in Zadash… She feels like she could at least belong in some way.

They have fallen silent, the chatter and laughter from the living room drifting in, the pint of ice-cream almost empty and still melting. Failing to find a fix to this problem, Beau decides that the ice cream doesn’t taste nearly as good any more. She puts the lid back on the pint and gets up to put it away.

“Beauregard?”

Yasha sounds confused, maybe even worried.

“You know, I’m not even gonna try and argue with you”, Beau says without turning around. “Say what you want about our friends, but we’ve never wanted you to feel like you’re not a part of the group.” It’s an asshole move but she’s never claimed to be good at making people feel better about themselves.

“I know”, Yasha replies, voice quiet. “And I do consider you all… friends. This- this is something I need to figure out on my own.”

Beauregard puts away the ice cream pint and then turns to lean back against the fridge, watching Yasha twist her fingers together like she’s nervous or something. She doesn’t want to argue with her, but at the same time she wants to make it clear to her that she belongs here, with them. She’s just doing a shitty job at it and she’s not drunk enough to let down all her walls, not yet.

“So what are you gonna do now?”, she asks instead. “Wait until Molly’s ready to go home?”

Yasha doesn’t respond, just stares at her hands. It makes Beau feel even more like a shit person but instead of sticking around and trying to fix it, she turns around and heads towards her bedroom to check on Molly and Caleb.

The living room contains surprisingly less people than before. Caduceus, Calianna, Bryce and Keg are still hanging around alongside Jester and Fjord, but the party seems to be slowing down. Beau doesn’t pay them much mind, instead slips into the hallway and knocks on her own bedroom door.

No response.

She decides that because it’s her room, she has reason enough to come in anyway and slowly inches the door open.

The light on her bedside table is still on, casting a light on Molly, propped up at the head of the bed by some pillows and squinting tiredly at Beau. Their arms are wrapped around Caleb, who seems already asleep with his head on Molly’s chest, his body halfway covering theirs.

Beau stares at Molly and Molly stares back at her and then they put a finger to their lips.

She nods and grabs the fleece blanket that has fallen off of Caleb, dragging it over the two of them. She knows how cold her room can get at night.

“Thanks”, Molly says, voice hushed.

“I’d rather you two didn’t freeze to death”, she replies, just as quiet. “Guess I’ll tell Yasha she’s staying over.”

She picks up her sleepwear from the foot of her bed and then, remembering something, pulls open the top drawer of her bedside cabinet and takes out a package of painkillers she always keeps handy.

“You’re gonna need this tomorrow”, she says when Molly gives her a curious look that turns into one of mock surprise.

“Do you _actually_ care about me?”, they ask with a smirk.

“Shut up, asshole.” She pulls out an unopened water bottle from her backpack that’s dumped next to her desk. “Just don’t want you complaining tomorrow morning.”

She sets the water bottle next to the painkillers and turns around.

“Night.”

“Night.”

Beau pulls her bedroom door shut behind herself and lets out a sigh. She’s long given up any pretence that she hates Molly, but the fact that she actually cares about them as much as she would about any of her friends, she still keeps that one close to her chest.

“Guess you’re sleeping over”, she tells Yasha when she comes back into the kitchen, dropping her sleepwear off on one of the chairs at the breakfast table. “Molly and Caleb are passed out on my bed.”

Not quite the truth yet, but close enough.

“Oh.”

“Unless you want to go home”, Beau quickly adds. “You don’t have to. I’m just saying, there’s probably room for you to sleep somewhere. Jester has a king size bed. It’s huge.”

“No- uh- that’s okay.” Yasha runs a hand through her hair, catching in the flower crown that’s still sitting on her head. She pulls it off and holds it in front of her, looking at it almost offended, and Beau can’t hold back the chuckle.

“Alright?”, she asks, lowering herself back on the floor next to Yasha.

“Yes, I- I forgot about this.”

And then she turns over and very gently rests the flower crown on Beau’s head. She might as well have zapped her with a taser because Beau’s breath hitches and she freezes- but then her heartbeat picks back up again and she’s still staring at Yasha, blinking.

“You look nice with flowers in your hair”, Yasha says, smiling softly.

Beau tries to formulate an answer but all her brain can do is scream ‘Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!’. It’s the perfect moment, it might even be… romantic? Yasha’s still smiling, her eyes those different shades of blue, and by Ioun, she’s beautiful.

Beauregard is about to lean forward when Jester barges in.

“Hey, do you guys- uhhhhh...”

Yasha flinches away and the spell is broken. Trying not to groan out loud, Beau turns around to face Jester, who’s standing in the middle of the kitchen, staring at them.

“What?”, she snaps.

“Where’s Molly?”, Jester replies, not even fazed by the sudden tension in the air.

“Sleeping”, Beau says. “In my bed.”

“Why?”

“Guess they were tired. Yasha’s staying over as well.”

“Yay, sleepover!” Jester claps excitedly. “Don’t worry, you two can sleep in my bed. I’m sleeping over at Fjord’s.” She waggles her eyebrows at them.

Beau dares to look over at Yasha with a grin, like nothing almost happened between them just now. “See? Told you it wouldn’t be a problem.”

Yasha nods, but Beau can tell she’s still a bit confused and unsure about the whole thing.

“Fjord can probably lend you clothes to sleep in”, Jester suggests helpfully. “You’re about the same size.”

“Okay...”

Someone calls Jester from the living room and she- still at this time of the night- skips over, leaving Beau and Yasha sitting on the kitchen floor in front of the radiator. But the moment is definitely gone and Beau doesn’t dare to make another move.

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

After the rest of their guests have left, Fjord lends Yasha a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that says ‘Menagerie Coast Marines’ on it, and while their last remaining guest gets changed in the bathroom, the trio reconvenes in the kitchen.

“Whoa, you guys, that was so much fun!”, Jester declares while Fjord is stocking the dishwasher with empty glasses, mugs and plates. How she still has energy left at this hour is an absolute mystery to Beau. “We should do this more often.”

“Ah, Jester, you’re overestimating the amount of people that can fit in this flat”, Fjord points out.

“We all fit tonight!”

“Barely. It was cramped.”

“I like it. It was cosy.”

“Well some people like a bit more personal space than that”, Fjord says and turns to Beau. “Speaking of, did you ever notice if Caleb went home?”

“Uhhhhm...”

“Oh, yeah, he like totally disappeared!” Jester seems to only realise this just now, knitting her brows together.

“He’s- uhm- actually also asleep”, Beau says, crossing her arms and leaning against the door frame. “In my room.”

“Oh”, Jester says and then putting two and two together. “Oh! With Molly?”

“Yep.”

“Did they- you know- herm herm herm?” She makes a very obvious and unmistakable gesture with her hands, that makes both Beau and Fjord cringe.

“Ew, no”, Beau immediately responds. “At least I hope not- I don’t know. Caleb wasn’t doing so well.”

“Oh no...” Jester frowns but quickly curls her lips into a cheeky grin. “Maybe Molly sucked his dick to make him feel better.”

Beauregard almost bursts into laughter because that is such a Jester thing to say, but when she notes Fjord freeze up for a second, she thinks better of it. Rightly so, as Fjord slams the dishwasher shut with a little bit more force than necessary.

“Jeez, Jester, can you maybe not make everything about sex all the time?”, he says, gripping the counter and staring at the spice rack. “Especially not when one of our friends is having a shit time at a party we threw?”

Beau can see Jester’s face go from surprise to shock to worry to defiance in a matter of seconds.

“Fine”, she snaps back. “I’ll be sleeping in my own room then. And think aaaaaaall about sex since I can’t do that in _your_ room.”

She whips around and storms off into the direction of her bedroom, leaving Beau and Fjord standing alone in the kitchen.

“She’s just drunk”, Beau tries, but Fjord shakes his head and walks past her, into the living room and then down the entry hallway to his own bedroom, the door closing with an audible thud behind him.

So much for happy pride. Beau lets out a sigh and goes to pick up her sleepwear. She briefly considers mediating but she’s tired and exhausted and Fjord and Jester are old enough to fix their own damn disagreements. Maybe some sleep will help.

Yasha comes out of the bathroom just as Beau walks past and she nods towards Jester’s door.

“We’re sharing with Jester”, she says.

Yasha looks like she wants to say something else for a moment but then thinks better of it and follows her into Jester’s bedroom.

The fairy lights hanging on the wall over Jester’s bed are on, although they don’t seem to disturb Nott, still peacefully snoring in the corner on the bean bag, covered by her blanket. Jester’s sitting on the edge of the bed, her head in hands.

“Come on, drunky-face”, Beau says, reaching for her. “Gotta get changed. Take off your make-up.”

“’m not drunk”, Jester mumbles but lets herself be pulled up by Beau.

“Pick a side”, Beau tells Yasha, whilst searching for Jester’s nightshirt in the heap of clothes next to the bed. “Take whatever blankets you need, we’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

Beau finds the nightshirt, takes all their sleepwear in one hand and drags Jester out of the room with the other, into the bathroom. She deposits the clothes on the rim of the bathtub and sits Jester down on the closed toilet seat.

Jester mumbles something she doesn’t quite catch while she’s looking around for cotton pads and make-up remover.

“What did you say?”

“I ruined everything”, Jester repeats, a bit louder.

Beau sighs, finding the make-up remover in one of the drawers and kneeling down in front of Jester. “Eyes closed.”

Thankfully, Jester follows her instructions and Beau, as little as she wears make-up herself, efficiently wipes Jester’s face clean. She follows with a damp face cloth that Jester struggles against for a bit.

“We’re all a bit tired and cranky”, she says, washing the cloth out in the sink. “It’ll be fine tomorrow. Come on, let’s get changed.”

She hangs Yasha’s flower crown on one of the towel hooks and quickly splashes her face with water, drying it off before pulling her tank-top over her head and taking off her bra as well. When she turns around to pick up her sleep shirt, she finds Jester staring at her.

“Do I really talk about sex too much?”, Jester asks, a whine in her voice, tears in her eyes. “I don’t want to do it all the time, it just happens...”

“I know, Jes, I know.” Beau pulls her sleep shirt over her head and then takes off the loose pants she was wearing all day to put on a pair of shorts for sleeping. “Maybe the dick thing was a bit too much.”

“I was just trying to be funny.”

“You were. Fjord just… didn’t appreciate it in the moment.”

“Fjord never appreciates my sex jokes.” Jester frowns. “Do you think he hates me because I talk about sex like all the time?”

“Oh Jester...” Beau kneels down in front of her, putting her hands on her knees and that’s all it takes to start the waterworks.

“He’s gonna break up with me, isn’t he?”, she sobs. “Because I think about sex all the time and I think about sex with _him_ sometimes and he’ll never have sex with me because he doesn’t _like me like that!_ ”

“Nonono, Jester, please don’t- there’s people sleeping okay?”

But Jester just cries, maybe a bit more quietly, her face in her hands, tears running down her cheeks. Beau decides that it can’t get much worse and starts taking off Jester’s clothes methodically, hanging her flower crown next to Yasha’s and somehow managing to wrangle Jester into her nightshirt.

“C’mon Jes”, she says. “Brush your teeth and then let’s get you to bed. Sleep off the alcohol.”

She hands Jester her toothbrush, already prepared with toothpaste and does a rather half-hearted attempt at brushing her own teeth as well. Jester somehow pulls herself together enough to brush her teeth, even though she looks like she’s about to fall asleep from exhaustion.

Beau has to practically carry her back to her bedroom, dropping her into the bed unceremoniously while trying not to wake up Nott. Yasha, who’s curled up under a blanket on the far side of the bed, gives them a curious look but says nothing. When Beau tries to push Jester into the middle of the bed however, the drunk girl whines: “No you take the middle.”

Not wanting an argument, Beau climbs over her, pulls the duvet out from under them and drapes it over Jester and herself before settling down in the middle of the bed. She doesn’t know which way to turn, whether towards Jester or Yasha, so she just lies on her back, staring at the ceiling while Jester shuffles around next to her.

“Good night”, Yasha’s quiet voice comes from her left.

“Good night”, Beau and Jester echo.

There’s some more shuffling from Jester’s side and then her cold hands touch Beau’s arm, almost carefully as if she’s scared that Beau will pull away. Jester’s never this cautious, she usually clings to Beau like an octopus, so something is definitely off.

Beau lets out a low hum and rolls over, taking Jester’s hand in hers. “What’s wrong?”

It’s a rhetorical question, in Jester’s world everything is wrong right now. She just had her first kind-of fight with her boyfriend, she’s sharing her bedroom with 3 other girls, she’s had way too much alcohol and is currently crashing from a very emotional high during the day.

“Cuddles”, is all that Jester mumbles and Beau obliges, despite being painfully aware that there’s another person in bed with them, a person Beau would rather cuddle too.

She pulls Jester close, tugging her under her chin even though she’s barely bigger than her, and closes her eyes. Jester’s soft breath against her collarbone is still shaky, soft sniffles accompanying it, so Beau runs her hand up and down the other girl’s spine in a soothing way.

In an ideal world, Yasha wouldn’t be lying so far away, but right behind her, her strong arms wrapped around Beau. In an ideal world she would be sandwiched between those two beautiful women and she wouldn’t mind at all. In an ideal world, Beau would let down her walls and confess her feelings, her hopes, her fears, anything.

But this world will never be an ideal one, not for Beauregard Lionett.

She takes a deep breath and swallows down the disappointment, her hand coming to rest between Jester’s shoulder blades. At least she has this, at least she has Jester. Even though sometimes it only feels like she got half of her, or even just a third. It’s complicated and she knows they’re still trying to figure things out. Everything was just so much easier before, when there weren’t clear lines drawn and expectations set, when they were just running with it.

Trying to cling to the moment and not let her mind run off with possibilities of the future, Beau tightens her arm around Jester and buries her face in those lovely blue curls that still smell of cinnamon and citrus fruits.

“Beau?” Jester’s quiet voice disrupts the silence.

“Yeah?”

“You’re squishing me.”

“Shit, sorry.”

She lets her arms around Jester slacken but Jester wiggles closer, one leg wedged between Beau’s and an arm thrown over her waist. With a resigned sigh, Beau rolls over onto her back, pulling Jester with her into a comfortable position that’s almost practised, Jester’s head on her (mostly) flat chest, Beau’s arms around her.

It’s comforting, the weight on her, the rise and fall of Jester’s breath. Her brain finally stops rattling and before she knows it, Beau has drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you might have noticed, there are lyrics from songs in every chapter title and I am collecting the matching songs in a [playlist on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/wiebke_grko/playlist/5LfiWgDEimqqemjkw5i6TK?si=MUYTmA_kRPuEmdQBZY7sFQ). Not all particularly matching to the point but close enough...
> 
> Also, [here's a surprise Christmas gift](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17160836)! To find out how Fjord and Jester deal with their first fight, I've written a small ficlet to accompany this story.


	14. so what's it gonna be? [Yasha]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: _Beau enjoys her first pride parade in Zadash. At the afterparty at the flatshare, not everybody seems to have a blast like her. Caleb has a panic attack in the bathroom, talking to Yasha is kind of good but also kind of weird and Jester and Fjord get into their first fight. Beau's just around to help everyone, apparently._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a while. The new year started out very busy and I didn't get to writing a lot. I'm still trying to get that work-life-balance right. So be patient with me, chapters are definitely gonna be spaced out a lot more like this.
> 
> On the bright side, here's ~6,800 words for you to enjoy! Including some quotes from Michael Ende's _Momo_ that are definitely not intended as a copyright infringement. ;) It's just one of my childhood favourites.

Yasha wakes up in a bed that isn’t her own, covered by a blanket that’s barely big enough for her and wearing clothes that don’t belong to her. She wakes, staring at a pastel pink wall, barely visible in the morning light, presumably dimmed by curtains. She wakes slowly, her brain trying to piece together the events of the previous day, and eventually comes to a few conclusions.

She’s stayed over at Fjord, Jester and Beau’s flatshare.

She’s wearing Fjord’s clothes.

There’s an arm wrapped around her stomach and someone’s entire body pressed to her back, cuddling her.

 

As much as it is familiar to her, due to bed-sharing with Molly, it still makes her freeze up. Because she’s not in a bed with Molly. She knows that much. This is Jester’s room and Jester’s bed and… The arm wrapped around her is a deep tan colour, definitely darker than Jester’s lighter olive skin.

Yasha carefully turns her head to get a glimpse at her cuddler and is faced with a mess of dark brown hair held together by a blue elastic. Beau’s face is almost completely buried against Yasha’s shoulders, her nose twitching when the braids around it move. She doesn’t wake despite the movement, so just as cautiously, Yasha turns back around, breath shallow and her mind racing.

How did this happen?

Does Beau know what she’s doing?

And most of all, _why does_ _this_ _feel so good?_

Yes, she likes it when Molly and her cuddle, it’s comforting and enjoyable when she’s in the mindset for it. But this is different. There’s a nervous energy coursing through her, it’s exhilarating but worrisome.

Beau’s arm around her is a sure and steady thing, her hand resting on Yasha’s stomach, but it only makes her worry what will happen next. For some reason she can’t really enjoy this, like she would with Molly, without knowing what is going on here.

Because having Beau wrapped around her like this, it’s only made her realise one thing: She’s very very gay and she’s pretty sure she’s got a crush on Beau, if that’s what a racing heart and the nervous energy indicate.

 

She doesn’t know how long she lies there. She’s not uncomfortable per se but her brain won’t stop panicking and leave her alone so she can rest. She tries to sleep but in reality she just lies there, very awake and very aware of Beau huffing soft snores against her back.

Eventually she decides that enough is enough, extracting herself from under Beau’s arm and sitting up in bed. There’s an unmistakable whine coming from Beau before she rolls over, unto her belly, spreading out into the warm space that Yasha has left despite the fact that there’s enough room on the other end of the bed. She doesn’t wake up though, luckily.

Jester seems to have already gotten up, but the blanket-bundle in the bean bag in the corner is moving and letting out a loud snore, indicating that Nott’s still there.

Yasha looks back down at Beau, halfway under the duvet that her and Jester seemed to have shared during the night. Her sleeveless shirt is riding up a bit, exposing a few folds around the waist, despite the fact that Beau normally looks toned and you wouldn’t expect any fat on her. It’s beautiful and for a moment Yasha finds herself fascinated with those exposed pieces of skin. She wishes she could be brave enough to do something. Anything. She doesn’t even know what.

Instead she just gets up, climbs over Beau and out of the bed, careful not to jostle her any further and maybe wake her in the process. Not really knowing what to do in a situation like this, she drags the duvet to cover Beau and then quickly turns around, picking up her clothes from the foot of the bed and quietly sneaking out of the room.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

It’s quiet in the flatshare and Yasha’s not entirely sure what to do. She can’t exactly leave, not without Molly. Instead she steps into the bathroom and locks the door behind her. Her first move is to undress, take off the t-shirt and sweatpants that don’t belong to her. She stares at herself in the mirror, her typical dark make-up smudged beyond recognition and her hair a mess.

She only feels a little bit intrusive going through the cabinet on the search for some wet wipes or make-up remover pads, finding the latter eventually. She tries fixing her make-up first but it just doesn’t work, so she takes everything off entirely, a blank face staring back at her in a mirror. It’s a tired face. A scared face. A worried face.

A face of someone who, for the first time in a long time has a crush. Maybe even their first crush.

She doesn’t really know if it compares to anything else she’s thought to be crushes before. It’s different. It feels serious, not like when she was telling her friend Zuella back in Xhorhas that she liked some boy whose name she can’t remember now, just because he’d been nice to her once. She can’t remember the boy but she can remember Zuella and her dark brown hair, always in a plaid that’d been falling apart, with rosy cheeks during the cold seasons and dirty hands from playing outside all day. She remembers huddling up in attic rooms, sharing a blanket and a torch to read books together. She remembers... She remembers Zuella and thinks to herself:

_Maybe I had a crush back then too._

 

There are steps outside the bathroom, someone trying the locked door, so she quickly puts on yesterday’s clothes, gathering the ones lent to her from Fjord before stepping outside into the corridor.

Caleb is hovering awkwardly in front of what Yasha recognises as Beau’s bedroom door.

“Oh”, she says. “Hey.”

“ _Moin_ ”, Caleb mutters, still hovering, not looking very awake. She steps into the doorway to the living room to give way and he practically bolts for the bathroom.

Not trying to think too much of it, Yasha makes her way through the living room- looking a bit messy and chaotic- and into the kitchen- surprisingly clean except for a few used glasses and dishes still standing on top of the dishwasher.

She’s been at the flatshare often enough to know where things are in the kitchen, but she’s never made breakfast here before. After some searching she finds the coffee and fills up the coffee maker to brew an entire pot. Something tells her that that’s what everyone will probably need this early in the morning.

There are only a few cups in the cupboard so she turns to opening and emptying the dishwasher that must’ve finished sometime during the night. Halfway through stacking plates into the cupboard, a shuffling behind her indicates another presence.

“Coffee’s almost ready”, she says without turning around.

“ _Thanks_ _._ ” Caleb’s voice sounds rough, hoarse, and he sits down in her periphery at the small breakfast table set up underneath the window.

“ _You‘re welcome_ ”, Yasha replies and only then realises they’re both talking Xhorhasian. She looks up at Caleb in surprise but he just yawns. “You know Xhorhasian?”

“ _A little bit._ Languages are… interesting. ”

“Which languages do you speak?”

“Grew up with Zemnian, fluent in Common, can hold a conversation in Sylvan and a bit of Xhorhasian.”

“Who speaks Sylvan?”

“Nerds.” Caleb shrugs his shoulders. “It’s a fictional language. I think Caduceus actually speaks it as well.”

“Huh.”

The coffee maker starts spluttering, slowly filling the pot underneath and sending out the tempting smell of freshly brewed coffee. Yasha takes out two mugs from the freshly refilled cupboard and opens the fridge.

“You take any milk?”, she asks Caleb, looking over. He shakes his head. “Sugar?” Another headshake. “Okay then.”

When the coffee maker is done, she fills one mug with coffee only, setting it down in front of Caleb before mixing her own coffee with milk and dumping a spoonful of sugar in there as well.

Caleb becomes a bit more alive with some coffee which essentially just means less yawning but a continuing awkward silence between them as they quietly sip their coffee.

“You have known Mollymauk for a long time?”, he finally asks, after clearing his throat, setting down his mug on the table with a clatter.

“Five years”, she confirms.

“So you know him very well?”

“I guess?”

“Okay.”

She blinks at Caleb but he’s intently focused on his mug of coffee. Trying to figure him out is forever a challenge. He’s good at hiding if he wants and Yasha knows she’s not the most perceptive of the bunch.

“How- how do you deal with all this?”, Caleb eventually asks.

“All this?”

“So many people. The noise. The crowd.”

“I… uhm...” How _does_ she deal with all this? “I go away? I don’t think I am the best person to give advice on this.”

Caleb huffs, maybe it’s a short laugh, she can’t really tell. “I tried to do that as well, leaving, but it’s always too late.”

“Well, you know… Molly helped you yesterday, right?”

“Yes?”

“I guess...” She’s just said she’s not the best person at giving advice but here she is, doing exactly that. “I guess you could do that? Ask someone for help? You know, maybe someone who is like… smart with people. Not book-smart.”

Caleb looks at her like she is talking absolute bullshit which might as well be.

“I am… not good with people”, he finally says.

“Oh… me neither.” She awkwardly scratches the roots of one of her braids where it itches a bit. “Usually they just… come to me… and talk to me. And when they ask questions I try to answer … you know? Just be polite.”

Caleb nods mutely and if he had a notebook with him, Yasha would be sure he’d be writing this down right about now.

“Do you- uhm- have any advice for… talking to Mollymauk?”, he asks after a moment of hesitation. “Specifically?”

She stops halfway to raising the coffee mug to her lips and cocks her head, a bit confused. People never ask her about Molly. It’s rather the other way around since Molly is so talkative and she is so... quiet. Mollymauk is just more approachable and easier to get to know than quiet, awkward Yasha. They are all-out-there and she is… a mystery to people.

“I guess- just ask them questions?”, she suggests. “They like talking about themselves. They love queer things. They are obsessed with tattoos. Oh- you could ask them to read you your fortune.”

“Read me my…?”, Caleb starts and then shakes his head. “Never mind. How do you… Which of his...” He seems to hesitate with the next question, maybe not quite sure how to formulate it. He leans closer, lowering his voice almost to a whisper: “How do you know which pronouns to use on which day?”

Of course. The one question Molly probably gets asked the most besides “So _what_ are you?” and “But what do you look like… _down there_?”.

“Well, you know they have this bracelet...”, she starts but Caleb quickly interrupts her. “Yes, I know about the bracelet. I mean like… right now. You are using neutral pronouns for him even though you don’t know if he- they are wearing their bracelet at the moment.”

“Oh… I just use the pronouns they used the last time I saw them.”

Caleb blinks at her, silent for a few seconds.

“Well, that was easy”, he finally says and then downs the rest of his coffee. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome?”

She resumes her coffee and they fall back into awkward silence.

 

They migrate to the living room at some point when Caleb starts looking for his bag and pulls out a very tattered paperback to read.

“You could watch something”, he suggests when he notices her hesitancy at joining him on the sofa, gesturing at the TV. “They have Netflix, I think.”

“Oh...kay.”

Yasha takes her place from the previous night and, after some fiddling with the various remotes, manages to turn on the TV screen and start up Netflix- luckily already logged in. Every member of the flatshare seems to have their own profile. Jester’s is signified by a unicorn, Beau’s what looks like some kind of ferret in a martial arts costume and Fjord’s a colourful blue-and-yellow fish. Picking Jester’s profile seems to be the safest choice, even though her list is full of things that Yasha wouldn’t watch.

Through some navigating she finds the documentaries and, for a lack of decision at this early hour, starts up “Planet Exandria”, turning down the volume to not disturb the other people still sleeping and Caleb reading at the other end of the couch. She means to pay attention, watching a female polar bear and her cubs tumble around in the snow. But as she makes herself comfortable in the corner of the sofa, the exhaustion from only having slept a few hours the previous night catches up with her and despite the coffee, before she knows it, the gentle voice of the narrator has lulled her back to sleep.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

She wakes with a crick in her neck, the background noise of the TV still playing and someone talking quietly in a neighbouring room. She wakes because something is stroking up and down her arm.

“Wake up, pumpkin”, Molly’s familiar voice says with a hint of contained laughter. “Rise and shine.”

Yasha groans, stretching and promptly hitting something.

“Ouch.”

She squints up at Mollymauk sitting next to her on the sofa and rubbing their temple.

“Sorry”, she mumbles, promptly followed by a big yawn. “Don’t surprise me like that.”

“Noted.”

She gets up into a more seated position and takes stock of the situation around her while rubbing her neck. Caleb is still at his end of the sofa, watching her and Molly over the edge of his book. When she catches his eye, he quickly looks away, busying himself with turning another page. There’s a shower running somewhere and the clanking of plates and cups comes from the kitchen. It seems that everyone has woken up around her.

“Did you spend the night on the sofa?”, Molly asks with a teasing tone in their voice, still perched next to her, fiddling with their silver bracelet.

“No”, Yasha mutters, a bit embarrassed. “Just took a nap.”

“Okay then.” Molly presses a kiss to her temple before rolling over on the length of the sofa and dropping their head in a very startled and intensely blushing Caleb’s lap, grinning up at him. “Hi.”

“ _Hallo_ ”, Caleb replies, frozen in motion, his book hovering over Mollymauk.

“Read me something?”, Molly says, their grin not wavering.

“It’s in Zemnian.”

“So read me something in Zemnian.” Molly nudges their toes into Yasha’s side. “Come cuddle, pumpkin.”

A bit confused by trying to figure out what Mollymauk is up to, Yasha obliges. She fits herself into the space between the back of the sofa, half on top of them, resulting in a happy hum from Molly and a pained groan from Caleb.

“You okay, Caleb?”, Molly asks. “Uncomfortable?”

Caleb just nods and Molly reaches for one of the pillows that have fallen off the sofa, fitting it between their head and Caleb’s lap. “Better?”

“ _Ja._ ”

“Good. Now read us something in Zemnian, please.”

“I’m in the middle of the book.”

“Don’t care, read please.”

Caleb huffs a breath but Yasha could swear she sees him smile just a little bit. He puts his book down on his knees and starts to read, quiet voice but word after word becoming more assured.

“ _Momo ging umher und betrachtete mit großen Augen all die Seltsamkeiten. Sie stand vor einer reichverzierten Spieluhr, auf der zwei winzige Figuren, ein Frauchen und ein Männchen, einander zum Tanz die Hand reichten_ ”, he reads. “ _Eben wollte sie ihnen mit dem Finger einen kleinen Stups geben, um zu sehen, ob sie sich dadurch bewegen würden, als sie plötzlich eine freundliche Stimme sagen hörte:_ _»_ _Ah, da bist du ja wieder, Kassiopeia! Hast du m_ _i_ _r denn die kleine Momo nicht mitgebracht?_ _«_ ”

Even though Yasha can’t understand anything of what he is reading to them, she can tell when he’s reading dialogue and when he’s reading story. His voice changes, mimicking different speech patterns and intonations. Shy and reserved Caleb Widowgast is an excellent reader and Yasha finds herself dozing off again, her face resting against Molly’s chest, their heartbeat a reassuring pattern in the background.

 

Molly’s fingers brush through her hair and she can hear them occasionally ask Caleb questions about what he’s reading, but it’s too far away. She’s drifting in and out of consciousness and realises that she feels safe like this, cuddled up on a sofa with Molly and Caleb. It’s a very different feeling compared to what she experienced upon waking up in bed with Beau.

She _wishes_ she could have this with Beau.

Her half-asleep brain does a well-enough job at replacing Molly with Beau, adding to it memories from that night where Molly and Beau got high, memories of Beau running her fingers through Yasha’s hair, making her pet Beau’s hair in return. Yasha can’t help but smile at that, turning her face more into Molly’s chest.

She was gay back then. She just didn’t know yet.

It’s like slowly but surely, the puzzle pieces are fitting together for her, of moments from her recent experience with Beau and from her childhood with Zuella, thoughts of girls she might’ve considered pretty at some point but never realised to be crushes.

 

_Click._

In an instant she’s back to consciousness.

She doesn’t know if she’s been asleep for half an hour or just a few minutes. Her face is still pressed to Molly’s chest, the softness of their breast tissue a nice pillow, and her left arm is thrown over them.

“Awww!”, Jester coos. “You look so cute!”

Yasha turns her head to look, spotting Jester with a bubblegum pink polaroid camera that’s currently in the process of printing out a polaroid picture. Caleb has stopped heading, his book dropped onto the sofa next to him, and Molly’s head still in his lap.

They’re both looking at Jester as well.

“Gimme”, Molly demands, removing one hand from Yasha’s shoulderblade and reaching out towards Jester. “I wanna see.”

“It’s not done yet”, Jester replies, stuffing the picture into the back pocket of her shorts. “You can see after breakfast.”

There’s the clattering of doors and Beau appears in the living room in her typical wear- a crop top and yoga pants, putting up her towel-dry hair in a bun.

“Morning”, she mutters and finally looks up, spotting the cuddle pile on the sofa and pulling a face. “What’re you people doing?”

“Cuddling and being cute”, Molly replies. “Don’t ruin the mood.”

Beau rolls her eyes and finishes with her bun. It’s not until she meets Yasha’s eye that Yasha catches herself staring. There’s a moment where she could swear that Beau can read her like an open book, her thoughts, her feelings, that she knows what happened this morning and how Yasha feels about it.

But it’s over in a second.

Beau turns around and heads into the kitchen, grumbling, and Yasha… Yasha feels a sinking feeling in her stomach.

“Yash?”, Molly’s voice disrupts her thought spiral. “You okay?”

“Yeah”, she mutters, pushing herself to sit up. “I’m fine.”

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

It’s strange, being part of the Queer Society when you know for a fact you’re queer- but nobody else knows. Well… almost nobody else. In her mind, her vague implications to both Molly and Beau are exactly that- vague.

She wants to come out, but at the same time she feels like coming out would essentially feel like putting her heart out there. Coming out is now too closely connected to her feelings for Beau and until she knows how to proceed in that area, she’s stuck in the closet.

 

With Brussendar come the first days of actual summer, where the Queer Society meetings turn into barbecues in front of the club house and people start stressing over the upcoming exam season in a few weeks time. It’s strange to think that she’s only known most of these people for 2, maybe 3 months.

She doesn’t feel so out-of-place most of the time, not when there’s always someone asking her how she’s doing or just talking to her. Nott turns out to be surprisingly chatty, once she’s starting to come out of her shell. Caleb is a quiet companion who will sit next to her with two cold drinks, one for her and one for him. Fjord is always curious to learn about Xhorhas and explain the traditions of Port Dimali in return. Yasha even lets Jester braid her hair one sunny afternoon before the group meeting.

And there’s Molly.

Molly, who calls her pumpkin, who will hug her at any convenient moment, who will help Jester with the hair-braiding and press a kiss to the crown of Yasha’s head when they’re done.

 

Of course it’s Jester who poses the question when the three of them are getting ice cream after lunch on a sunny Friday.

“So are you two, like, you know, dating or something?”

Molly and Yasha look at each other.

“No”, they say, almost simultaneously.

“I’m just curious, you know?”, Jester says. “You’re very cute together and you have cute nicknames and just, you know...”

“Well...”, Yasha starts. “Molly is my pumpkin.”

Molly snorts but Jester looks even more confused.

“I thought you were the pumpkin?”, she says, turning to Yasha.

“Yeah, Yash, who’s the pumpkin in this relationship?”, Molly adds, grinning and licking ice cream off of his spoon.

“Wait, so you _are_ dating?”, Jester squeals. “Molly!”

“Not dating”, Mollymauk replies. “We’re in a queerplatonic relationship.”

“Queerpla-”, Jester starts and then drops her spoon in her dessert bowl. “But you’re not aro. Or ace.” She looks back at Yasha. “Are you?”

“No.”

“I mean… I can’t speak for the aro-ace community but this is the closest description to the kind of relationship that Yash and I have”, Molly points out. “We’re more than just best friends. We always said we were family but that usually describes more than just two people. It’s… fuck, I’d marry Yash if it meant I could keep her safe.”

Yasha’s heart skips and then starts beating rapidly as she just stares at Molly, her eyes starting to well up. She’d always thought it was just a joke between them, getting married for a visa and permanent residency, but seeing him state it so earnestly towards Jester, it somehow makes it all much more real.

“You would?”, she echoes, barely a whisper,

“Of course”, Molly replies with a smile, putting his hand lightly on her elbow. “I plan on sticking with you for the long haul.”

Yasha doesn’t exactly know what he means with “the long haul” but it sounds like he means the future, so she just nods and then turns away, hastily wiping her hand over her eyes to erase any kind of hint that there might have been tears at some point.

“Aww!”, Jester coos. “That’s so cute!”

Molly’s quiet, his hand squeezing Yasha’s elbow and when she looks back at him, he gives her a soft smile that she can’t deny, slipping her hand into his and squeezing back.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

There’s a part of her that wants to tell Molly about her crush on Beau. He has trusted her with so many of his secrets, he deserves her trust in return. But she can’t quite find the right moment, doesn’t know how to best bring it up. Besides, Molly and Beau haven’t always gotten along as well as they do now, so she’s worried about his reaction.

At the same time, she’s still trying to figure things out for herself- like what she’s supposed to do now? How do you continue from awkwardly crushing on a girl to… dating her? She thinks that’s what comes next. At least that’s what happens in the books and the movies and apparently with normal people. Yasha’s never been in a relationship before. At least not a romantic one. The queerplatonic one with Molly… just kind of happened. But she’s pretty sure that’s not how it’s going to work with Beau.

The movies and books all tell her to just kiss the girl. An area Yasha doesn’t exactly have any expertise in. From reading it sounds kind of nice and often magical, like you kiss someone and you just _know_. Butterflies. Fireworks. The whole thing. It should really be a simple thing, pressing lips to lips. But how do you know which way to lean? How to instigate a first kiss? What happens after?

She turns the questions over and over in her head while trying to study for her exams and taking on extra working shifts at the restaurant. It doesn’t get any easier- the questions about Beau at least. In regards to her exams, she might be a bit more confident. She’s been doing well enough last semester and already handed in a few papers. She is only struggling a bit with the fact that she has an oral exam this semester. Talking isn’t exactly her forte.

 

Skimming through her flashcards on a slow night at the restaurant, she doesn’t look up until after the bell rings, alerting her of a new customer. She’s been taking a break from kitchen duty, even though she’s not the best at waitressing. Her co-workers knows this and only ask her to do it on days where there’s barely any customers around.

It’s a small restaurant of only five tables and their main income is from takeaway, but on occasion people do come in for a sit-down meal, even if the place is small and kind of cramped. The waitresses’ job is mainly making sure the salt-and-pepper shakers and the napkins on the tables are filled up and everything looks clean.

 

So, the bell rings and Yasha looks up and stops.

Because coming in from the slight summer drizzle, wearing running gear and the hood of her sleeveless hoodie pulled up, is Beauregard.

And there it is, that now-familiar skip of her heart before it starts racing, unwanted blood rushing to her cheeks.

Her stupid, wonderful, magical _crush_.

It’s at this moment that Beau spots her at one of the tables, her flashcards spread out, a cup of lemon and ginger tea that’s slowly turning cold. A lopsided grin sneaks onto Beau’s face and she pushes off her hood.

“Hey”, she says.

“Hi”, Yasha replies, putting down the flashcards in her hands because she’s unsure what happens next. How are you supposed to greet the girl you’ve got a crush on when she randomly walks into your workplace? “What are you doing here?”

“I was around the area and you told me to come by sometime, remember?”, Beau says, stopping in front of the table, hands stuffed in the pockets of her hoodie.

Oh. _Oh_. Yasha nods. Yes. She did say that. She never thought Beau would actually take her by her word.

“Yes”, she says. “Of course.” And then stumbles over her thoughts.

Because Beau is here and Yasha doesn’t know what to say. She knows she’s awkward most of the time, but now she feels it too. Beau doesn’t seem to think much of it, pulling out the chair across from her and taking a seat.

“You studying?”, she asks, nodding at Yasha’s flashcards.

“Yes”, Yasha replies and then realises that this might be the wrong answer and quickly tries to think of something else. “I mean- not right now. I don’t really… I work here.”

Her eyes flick over to Wessik, who’s tending the counter, which means reading the newspaper and side-eyeing Beau suspiciously.

Beau hasn’t even acknowledged his presence, looking at Yasha and her flashcards instead. “Is this a bad time?”

“No!”, Yasha quickly says. “This is… good. I don’t- do you want something? To drink? Eat?”

“Uhm… I didn’t bring any money.”

“It’s fine. I work here.” Yasha drops her flashcards on the table. “Just… just wait a minute.”

She gets up and quickly makes her way over behind the counter.

Wessik lowers the newspaper and nods over at Beau. “Who’s your friend?”

“Beau… Beauregard”, Yasha replies. “Can I get a drink for her? For free?”

She’s always allowed to drink whatever she wants, but she’s never been in the situation where one of her friends has come over to see her and she’s kind of responsible for them but at the same time… they’re in a restaurant? Wessik gives her an intense stare for a moment, then shrugs. “Water’s free.”

“Thank you.”

Yasha takes two glasses from behind the counter and fills them with filtered water from the tap while trying to think of what to do with Beau, with this situation, how to not be awkward and not let her crush show.

 

When she gets back to the table she finds Beau sorting through her flashcards.

“What are you doing?”, she asks, very confused, still holding the two glasses of water in her hands.

“Ah, sorry.” Beau drops the flashcards back on the table. “Just wanted to see what you’re studying for.”

“The advanced cultures of Issylra before the Divergence.”

“Oh-kay.”

Yasha sets down the glasses of water.

“Fuck, I’m sorry”, Beau says. “I didn’t want to mess up your... I just- y’know. I was on a run and I came by here and I was like hey, maybe Yasha’s working, haven’t seen her in a while, you know?”

“Yes, I… thank you. I- haven’t seen you in a while… too.”

“Hey… I could- I could quiz you.”

“Quiz me?”

“Yeah.” Beau grabs the nearest flashcard. “What were the main Gods worshipped in Othanzia?”

“All prime deities?”, Yasha replies, settling back down in her chair.

“Name five.”

“Kord, Bahamut, Ioun, Melora and… the Allhammer?”

“Correct. I would’ve also guessed the Raven Queen...” Beau turns around the flashcard to check for the right answers.

“She wasn’t a goddess at the time”, Yasha points out. “I think the sun goddess… what is her name again?”

“Sarenrae?”

“Yes, that one. They found an ancient temple dedicated to her in Vasselheim a few years ago, which means they must have worshipped her there too.”

“Huh. Cool. I mean, yeah, makes sense. Vasselheim is like _the_ city of religions.”

“The Cradle of Creation.” Yasha always remembers that description because it rolls so easily from her tongue. “I want to go there. One day.”

“Halfway around the world? Why?”

“To visit the Braving Grounds and the Trial Forge.”

Beau just looks very confused. “The what?”

“It is an entire district dedicated to the worship of the Stormlord”, Yasha explains.

“Huh. That’s pretty cool”, Beau says, taking a sip of her water. “Guess my goddess doesn’t have a cool hangout spaces except for libraries.”

“Ioun?”

“Yeah.”

Yasha thinks for a moment but she can’t really remember a place in the world that is particularly known for its following of the Knowing Mistress. Beauregard seems to take her silence as cue for her to continue reading her flashcards.

“What was different about Issylra pre-Divergence that gave it an advantageous position in Exandria at the time?”

“Religions?”

“Aside from religions.”

Yasha tries to wrack her brain, but this question is too broad and it could be pretty much anything. Especially Othanzia had been a cultural pioneer due to Vasselheim being the birthplace of a lot of religions. A lot of important things had been developed in that area, including the current calendar of Exandria, the first scriptures and an early political system that was not a kingdom or an empire.

“I don’t know”, she says. She tries to make a move to take the flashcard from Beau’s grasp to check the right answers but the other girl’s reflexes are quick and she pulls away with a smirk, leaning back on her chair.

“Nope.”

It’s almost a smile, but more teasing, something that Yasha’s used to from Molly but wouldn’t expect from Beauregard. Their eyes meet, Beau still tilting back her chair with that ridiculous grin and Yasha’s hand dropped to the middle of the table.

Yasha doesn’t do well with eye contact at the best of times but this- this is probably the worst. She immediately freezes up and here eyes quickly dart somewhere else- anywhere. They land on Wessik who’s now wiping the counter and staring right back at her. This she can do. Staring at Wessik doesn’t feel weird or awkward or like she’s putting her feelings on display. He blinks and then just slowly shakes his head before turning around and heading into the kitchen.

“Something wrong?”, Beau asks and turns around to see where Yasha was looking.

Unfortunately it’s in this exact moment that Beau loses balance on her chair, already tilted back and now tipping over, almost as if in slow-motion. Yasha just stares at Beau, flailing, trying to catch herself but eventually hitting the ground with a CRACK.

Silence fills the restaurant.

“Ow.”

Yasha leans over the table to see Beau, on the ground, chair still very much intact beneath her, rubbing her head.

“Are you okay?”, she asks.

“Yeah.”

“You hit your head.”

“Yeah.”

“Stay there, I will get some ice.”

 

Her heart is racing, as she gets up and darts into the kitchen. This is not how she thought her evening was going but at least now she’s got something to do, something she can do, something she’s good at- taking care of someone. She’s so agitated, she almost runs into Wessik.

“I need ice”, she says.

“Why?”

“Beau hit her head.”

“How?”

“She fell over with her chair.”

Wessik looks like he’s about to ask more but then just sighs. “Y’know what, fine. Get some ice and then get that girl home.”

“What?” She stares at him. “Wessik, I have to work, I-”

“I can cover for you”, he replies. “Don’t worry about it. Just get some ice and go.”

“Oh… okay.”

Yasha reaches for the freezer, taking out one of the ice packs they use for cooling food during delivery. She wraps a towel around it before nodding at Wessik.

“I owe you.”

Wessik rolls his eyes, picks up her backpack from the coat rack and holds it out to her . “Just go!”

 

It’s almost as if he wants to get rid of her. Yasha tries not to think too much about it as she exits the kitchen.

Beau has put up the chair again and sat back down but she’s still rubbing her head, so Yasha steps forward, holding out the ice pack for her.

“Here. Put that on your… your head”, she says. “I’m going to take you home.”

“What?”, Beau replies, frowning. “Noooooo. I just got here! We were having fun!”

Yasha huffs an almost-laugh. “You hit your head. You need to go home.”

She gathers her flashcards that are still lying on the table, as well as a few that have slid down to the floor, sorting them neatly into order and wrapping a rubber band around them. They find their way into her backpack, which she zips shut and throws over her shoulder before holding out a hand to Beau.

“What are you doing?”, Beau asks, squinting as she presses the ice pack to the back of her head.

“Helping you up”, Yasha replies, matter-of-fact. “You fell over, you got hurt. You might have a- what is it, when you hit your head really hard?”

“A concussion?”

“Yes, that. You might not be able to walk straight-”

“I’ve never been straight in my entire life.” Beau shrugs. “Sorry, had to make the joke. Continue.”

Yasha looks at her, slightly confused. “So- uhm- you need a hand?”

“You know...”, Beau says, leaning on the table a bit. “On second thought, I might not be able to walk. Since- you know- I might have a concussion.”

Yasha knows for a fact that Beau is probably fine and she’s just making this up, joking around despite the fact that she actually did hit her head. But it doesn’t annoy her, instead she smiles, shakes her head and takes her backpack back off, holding it out to Beau.

“Hold this”, she says.

“What? Why?”

“You are going to carry my backpack”, Yasha explains. “I am going to carry you.”

If Beau is in a joking mood, Yasha might as well play along, even though she knows that deep down she’s just doing this to… well… get close to Beau? At least if she’s carrying Beau, Beau can’t see the way she’s blushing. It’s a good plan.

Beau looks surprised for a moment and then her face splits into a pleased grin. “Okay!”

She shoulders Yasha’s backpack and then pushes herself up to standing, expectantly looking up at Yasha. Yasha just turns her back to Beau, lowering herself so Beau can climb on her back for a piggyback ride.

It’s ridiculous.

Yasha knows it’s ridiculous.

But apparently you do ridiculous things when you’ve got a crush on a girl who does some dumb shit on occasion.

“Comfortable?”, she asks as Beau winds one arm around her neck and shoulder to hold onto her, the other hand presumably still holding the ice pack to the back of her head.

“Yup.”

“Okay, then let’s go.”

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

When she gets home that night, Molly’s waiting up for her as he usually does, messing around with his deck of tarot cards on his bedroom floor.

“I got a text from Jester”, he says in lieu of a greeting, holding out his phone for her to look at.

There on the cracked screen is a video of Yasha, carrying Beau piggyback into the trio’s flat and carefully dropping her onto the couch. It’s accompanied by Jester’s laughter and Fjord’s voice coming from somewhere off-screen: _“What the fuck did you do this time, Beau?”_

The heat rises in Yasha’s cheeks, feeling like she’s been caught at doing something she shouldn’t do.

“Guess you really do like girls then”, Molly states with a grin.

Yasha opens her mouth, trying to formulate an answer and eventually just closes it again. She’s unsure how Molly got to that conclusion so quickly, but at the same time there’s no sense in hiding it any longer. If her actions don’t betray her, it’s definitely her blush and her racing heart and... she really shouldn’t be afraid to talk to her best friend and queerplatonic partner about this.

Molly drops his phone to the floor and gets up, holding his arms open for her to step into a hug.

“I’m so proud of you”, he says as he wraps his arms around her. “And so glad my queerness brushed off on you. Even though your choice of person could’ve been better.”

“Shut up”, Yasha mumbles, burrowing her face into his hair. She knows he doesn’t mean it like that, the twinkle in his eyes betrays him. “I need a shower.”

“Yeah, you smell like fried food- no offence.”

“Okay.”

Molly lets go of her, still smiling. “My little baby lesbian, taking her first baby lesbian steps. I’m like a proud gay mother hen right now.”

Yasha snorts at that image.

“I’m not little”, she gently corrects him. “Not a baby. Just a lesbian.”

Molly squeaks, clapping his hands. He almost sounds like Jester when he’s this excited about something.

“And I am not ready to come out to everyone”, Yasha says. “I… I need to figure some things out first.”

“Lesbian things? Beau things?”

“Beau things.”

“So you admit it?”, Molly says, his excited smile getting even wider. “You got a crush on Beau?”

Yasha just rolls her eyes at him. She really doesn’t think she needs to answer this one. “I’m gonna go take a shower now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gay gay gay gay GAY.


	15. don't make me wait another day [Beau]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on The Taryon Darrington Queer Society: _Yasha wakes up in Jester's bed with Beau cuddling her, resulting in some realisations of feelings and absolutely no more sleep for Yasha. Caleb wants advice on talking to Molly and Molly wants cuddles with both Yasha and Caleb. Jester finds out about Yasha and Molly's queerplatonic relationship and Yasha eventually confesses to Molly about her crush on Beau._

People expect Beau to be a slacker, probably due to her laid-back and don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. Only a handful of people actually know that she’s in fact on a scholarship and for good reasons. Reason number one: No financial dependence on her parents which really is all she could’ ve wanted. Reason number two: As a child, Beau wanted to become a secret agent but realised, that it took actual good grades and not just martial arts skills for that. Reason number three: Beau actually really loves to acquire new knowledge, as long as she finds it interesting and useful.

So while Jester spends her exam period working on finishing five different art projects, Beau and Fjord are the ones who have made the library their second home. Beau’s taken to joining Fjord on the Science campus rather than making her way to her own campus. Besides, the WiFi there is way better and that’s all Beau really needs to finish her paper on the the reformed political system of the city state Whitestone and study for her exam on Expansion of the Dwendalian Empire.

And Caleb works there.

 

That’s something Beau doesn’t find out until she’s been joining Fjord on his library trips for about a week and she’s having trouble accessing the printers with her student ID card, even though they have a city-wide system on all three campuses. So she curses, pulls herself together to not punch the printer and steps aside to let the people in line behind her get their stuff done. Fjord and her always use the secondary entrance at the back because it’s closer to their bus stop, so they never pass the help desk on their way in. She sprints down the flight of stairs because she hasn’t had any exercise yet today, and follows the signs leading her into the atrium of the library, straight towards the help desk.

“Printer doesn’t recognise my ID”, she says, slamming the card onto the counter.

“And hello to you too, Beauregard”, a familiar voice greets her.

She looks over the counter and immediately recognises reddish brown hair, a beard that is definitely more than a few days old and heavy dark circles under tired eyes.

“Oh”, she says. “’Sup, Caleb. You work here?”

“ _Ja_.”

“Sweet, can you fix my ID?”

“I can certainly try.”

He takes her ID from the counter and puts it onto a scanner, looks at his computer screen and frowns. He starts typing, then clicks a few things, then frowns some more. It’s typical Caleb behaviour, if anything, so Beau just patiently waits, tapping her foot against the counter.

“Stop that”, Caleb mutters.

“What?”, Beau says, holding her foot still for a few seconds.

“That.”

“That?” She starts tapping again.

Caleb groans and puts his head in his hands, making Beauregard grin. When he doesn’t react for a solid thirty seconds, she gives up, dropping the smile and the incessant tapping.

“Sorry”, she mumbles, half-heartedly.

Caleb doesn’t even answer, just drags his hands over his face and returns to the task at hand.

The longer she stands there, waiting for her problem to be solved, the more she takes notice. An array of empty coffee cups on the desk next to Caleb. The dark circles under his red eyes.

“Are you okay?”, she asks and almost flinches at her own sensibility. But something’s clearly off with Caleb and she doesn’t really know how to handle this right now.

“Just tired”, he mutters.

“You look like shit.”

“I did not need to hear that.”

“Did you pull an all-nighter or what?”

“Unwillingly.” He sighs. “Neighbours been keeping me up for days with their video games”

“Can’t you ask them to turn it down?”

“I… I tried that. It did not work.”

“Have you asked-”

“Can we please not… I would rather we did not talk about this.”

Beau opens her mouth again but Caleb puts her ID back on the counter.

“Should be working now”, he says and it sounds like that’s the end of the conversation, so Beau just nods her thanks, takes her ID and makes her way back to the desk she’s hogged on the third floor.

 

The memory of Caleb’s tired face doesn’t leave her brain for the rest of the afternoon and while Fjord decides to keep studying into the evening, Beau packs up her things to head home for dinner. When she stops by the help desk on her way out, a slight detour, Caleb is still there.

“When do you get off?”, she approaches him.

“At eight?”, he replies, confused.

“Okay, here’s the deal”, she says, leaning on the counter. “We’re friends and I can’t watch you suffer. You’re gonna pack an overnight bag, you’re gonna come over to our place, I’m gonna try and cook something decent but no promises, and you’re gonna crash at our place for as long as it takes to get you back on track. No arguments.”

Caleb looks like he really really _does_ want to argue but then thinks better of it, sighing and nodding.

“’Kay, see you later.”

Beau gives a salute and then quickly turns around, marching out of the library.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

She’s not the best at cooking but she’s learned a thing or two from Fjord, so she chops up some vegetables, sautés them in a big pot with some dried lentils and covers it with chicken broth, leaving it to cook. It’s not really the right season for lentil soup, but it’s easier to warm up again than pasta with tomato sauce.

Jester comes home somewhere halfway through, immediately curious and dropping her bag on the hallway.

“What are you cooking?”, she asks, already peeking into the pot on the stove. “ _Why_ are you cooking?”

Beauregard is sitting on the kitchen counter, scrolling through her Twitter feed, not even looking up when she answers. “Cause Caleb’s coming over and he needs to eat.”

“Why is Caleb coming over?”

“Cause he looked like shit?” She throws a brief glance at her flatmate.

Jester scrunches up her face. “That would mean that you would always have to invite him over.”

“He looked like shit for Caleb standards”, Beau remedies. “Y’know. Hasn’t slept in I don’t know how long. Too much coffee. Really needs a shower. All of your make-up couldn’t cover those shadows under his eyes.”

“That’s because we’re very different skin tones”, Jester says primly. “I have an olive complexion, while Caleb is just very white with a hint of red undertones.”

“Oh-kay.”

There’s a moment of silence and Beau returns to her phone, expecting Jester to be done with her inquisition and leave her alone.

“You know, that is very sweet of you that you invited him over because he’s having a shitty time”, Jester says, leaning against the counter next to her, trying to manoeuvre herself into Beau’s range of vision. “Veeeeery sweeeeeeet.”

“I just don’t want him to crash and burn, okay? It’ll totally ruin the group dynamic.”

“Juuuuust admit it”, Jester sing-songs. “You care about him. You care about aaaaall of them. Even Molly!”

“Fuck Molly”, Beau mutters, but it’s only half-hearted.

Jester seems to find it funny, giggling and wrapping her arms around her until Beau gives up, puts her phone aside to hug her back.

“Love you, Jester”, she mumbles.

“I love you too”, Jester replies and gets up on her tip-toes to press a kiss to Beauregard’s cheek. “Now excuse me, but I have a shower to get to.”

“Awww man, you dumping me for a shower?”, Beau teases. “We didn’t discuss that in our polyamory agreement.”

“You wanna join us?” Jester wiggles her eyebrows at her.

On any other day, Beau would probably take the bite, but today there’s soup and Caleb could be coming over and she’s been feeling kind of weird about the whole thing with Jester while she’s, admittedly at this point, got a big crush on Yasha. She doesn’t quite know how to deal right now.

“Nah, I’m good”, she replies.

“Okay.” Jester shrugs and turns around, skipping off towards her room.

When she can finally hear the shower turn on, Beau lets out a sigh. Jester always seems so easy to please, not minding at all when Beau’s not in the mood, just happily going along with whatever is happening. That would be all good, if Beau didn’t have the creeping feeling that Jester’s smile is probably covering a lot that she simply doesn’t want to talk about. It’s all very muddled and murky waters and Beau’s not sure if she actually wants to step into that, so she just… leaves it be.

 

Caleb arrives at 8:24 PM, a backpack slung over his shoulder and a tired, kind of anxious look on his face. Despite the warm summer evening, he’s got his typical long brown coat wrapped around him, his arms crossed in a distant, protective way. Beau lets him in with a raised eyebrow and a nod.

“I- _äh..._ ” Caleb hesitates in the hallway, his arms still crossed, looking increasingly nervous.

Before he can say anything else, Jester comes bouncing into the doorway to the living room, Kiri on her shoulder. “Caleb! You’re here”

“ _Ja- äh-_ I am...” Jester moves in to hug him but he immediately backs up, against the front door. “No, please no.”

“Please no”, Kiri echoes.

“Jeez, Jess, give the guy some room”, Beau says, gently pushing her back into the living room and following her to give Caleb space to take off his shoes and coat.

Caleb, on the other hand, does no such things, arms still wrapped around himself.

“I am sorry, I- touching is not good today.” He lowers his gaze, staring at his shoes.

“That’s okay, dude. No worries.”

“ _Ich…_ _Scheiße-_ there is no good way to explain this.” Caleb sighs. “I brought a cat.”

That’s… not what Beau expected and unhelpful as it is, her brain immediately jumps to making a pussy joke which it’s really not the right timing for, so instead she just stares.

“You have a cat???”, Jester squeals behind her and Kiri squawks at the raise in tone. “Since when? Why did you not tell us? Can I see it? Ohmygosh Caleb!”

Caleb sighs, finally opening his coat to reveal a small, orange-reddish kitten with darker brown spots all over its back. It squirms in Caleb’s hold but as soon as he starts petting it, it starts purring.

Jester coos. Beau just stares at the tiny kitten.

“Where’d you get a cat?”, she eventually breaks her own stupor.

“We- _äh-_ we found him”, Caleb says. “Nott and I. A few weeks ago, he was… he was just wandering around the library looking for food, we don’t know how he got in. I took him to the vet and they checked- he is not chipped...”

“And now you’ve been hiding a cat in your student dorm room?”, Beau guesses.

“ _Ja._ ”

There’s a moment of silence, only disrupted by Kiri’s occasional chirping and the kitten’s admittedly _very_ loud purring for such a small body.

“I assume you’re not allowed to have a cat in your dorm room?”, Beau eventually says.

“ _Ja._ ”

“And you brought it here so we will take care of it?”

“I- ja, kind of...” Caleb’s face drops in resignation, as if he’s convinced he’s about to get told off.

“Don’t worry, Caleb!”, Jester pipes up. “We will take super good care of your kitten! I love cats!”

Beau turns to her, frowning. “Jester, we-”

“No, we can totally take care of the kitten!”, Jester insist. “And you can come all the time and visit it and play with it and stuff, you know? We’ll be like its foster parents!”

“Kitten!”, Kiri screeches.

Beau lets out a groan and looks at the kitten in Caleb’s arm. It is- admittedly- very cute. And cats are way easier to take care of than dogs, they’re smart like that.

“Okay, fine”, she says. “What’s its name?”

“Frumpkin”, Caleb says very quietly. “He is a… a male cat.”

“Great.”

 

Frumpkin proves to take to his new environment easily. As soon as Caleb sets him down in the living room, he starts to explore, leading to Beau quickly closing all the bedroom doors. They set up a make-shift litter box in the smaller bathroom and some water and food, that Caleb brought, in the kitchen. Jester puts Kiri back in her cage after the bird tries to fight Frumpkin for his kibbles and eventually, the dinner table is set.

“It’s so nice that you’re here”, Jester declares while Caleb and Beau eat their soup mostly in silence. “You know, you should come here more often. Molly comes here aaaaaall the time.” She waggles her eyebrows at Caleb, who looks too tired to really show any kind of emotion in reaction.

“I am busy a lot”, he mutters. “I can not afford to- I have studies and work and...” He stops and raises his glass with a shaking hand to drink.

“Hey.” Beau reaches out to touch his arm but he flinches back. “Shit, sorry- right, no touching today.”

She looks over at Jester and sees some realisation dawn on the other girl’s face. Caleb and her might not be the same, definitely very different in character, but they both seem to have their issues. Jester once described it like a switch in her brain- one second she’s happy and the next she’s worrying about unnecessary things, not able to stop her brain from playing out scenarios.

Caleb seems to shift more gradually into anxiety, an underlying current of stress running through him at all times. He puts his glass back down, pushes away his bowl of soup, barely even touched. Beau has been noticing him eat less when he’s in this state of mind and it’s kinda shitty because he’s already just skin-and-bones and could really do with some additional weight.

“Caleb?”, Jester says, the worry in her voice obvious. “Do you want to go outside for a moment? Get some fresh air?”

“ _Ja…_ yes.”

“Okay, come on.”

Beau watches, maybe a bit surprised, as Jester leads Caleb to the small balcony and closes the glass door behind them. She can still hear their muffled voices as they lean onto the railing next to each other, their backs to the room.

It’s something she hadn’t expected.

 

Because she doesn’t want to feel like she’s intruding, she leaves the living room to clean up her bedroom a bit. They haven’t really discussed it but she’s planning on letting Caleb stay there as long as he needs. She can share with Jester, unless the other girl’s deciding to sleep over in her in her boyfriend’s room.

She clears the floor of all the clothes, dumping them into the laundry basket. Figuring she might as well be thorough, she strips her bed and dumps the sheets into the laundry as well before taking out some fresh linens from the storage box under her bed.

She tries not to think too much about how Jester of all people is the one calming down Caleb from an anxiety attack right now.

She tries not to think too much about how she’s not really jealous about Fjord’s relationship with Jester, but this platonic thing with Caleb right here, that’s where the envy blindsides her.

The sound of the balcony door opening again throws her back into action. She finishes making her bed and quickly sorts through the mess on her desk before picking up an array of things that she might need for a sleepover in Jester’s room. A quick last glance around the room before she steps back into the hallway.

 

She almost runs into Caleb, on his way into the bathroom. He looks like he’s been crying, his eyes red-rimmed, and Beau feels strangely thrown back to the Pride after-party, the last time he’d slept over here. Molly had been able to help then, but Molly isn’t here right now, so her and Jester have to do for some kind of comfort.

“You can have my room”, she says, very abrupt.

“Oh… okay.” Caleb sniffles. “ _Danke._ ”

“I don’t mind if you… if you take Frumpkin in there”, she adds. “Y’know, I heard that cats are like really good therapeutic animals or something.”

To her surprise, Caleb huffs something close to a laugh. “Or something”, he echoes.

Beau just nods and then opens the door to Jester’s room with her elbow. At this point, it’s almost her second bedroom, she’s become so used to the giant bed and the bird cage in the corner and the pillows absolutely everywhere.

She’s dropping her sleepwear and a change of clothes on the beanbag in the corner and sets down her reusable water bottle on the bedside table before taking a seat on the bed to compose her thoughts for a moment.

Kiri is hopping up and down in her cage, cocking her head at Beau and making curious bird noises.

“Fuck!”, she finally declares, drawing a chuckle out of Beau.

“Yeah, fuck.”

“What’s wrong?”

For a second, Beau is confused because Kiri definitely does not sound this much like Jester, but then she looks up and Jester’s leaning in the doorway, a curious look on her face.

“What’s wrong?”, she repeats.

“Nothing.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction and both of them know it.

Jester sighs, striding over and just straddles Beau, sitting in her lap and squishing her face between her hands to an almost comical degree. “Don’t lie to me stupid.”

There’s a surge of warmth in Beau’s chest and it confuses her even more because she’s not sure if these are really strong feelings of some kind that she has for Jester or if she’s just fucking horny. There’s an easy fix for the latter, but dealing with feelings is not her forte.

“Are you mad at me?”, Jester asks, releasing Beau’s squished face. “You don’t have to give up your room for Caleb, you know? He can stay in my room, or in Fjord’s… We always switch around anyway, you know.”

“No, it’s fine”, Beau grumbles. “I asked Caleb to come over, he can stay in my room.”

Jester mimics her frown, her pout a bit over-exaggerated, and then leans forward to press a quick kiss to Beau’s forehead.

There’s a noise from the doorway and they both turn to see Caleb standing there, awkwardly, holding a softly purring Frumpkin in his arms. Jester’s face turns into smile and she beckons him closer.

“C’mere”, she says without moving from her place on Beau’s lap. “We were just talking.”

Caleb’s blushing _hard_ now. “I don’t- sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Get the fuck in here, Widogast”, Beau interrupts him because she thinks she can see exactly what’s going on in his brain right now. He knows she’s a disaster lesbian and there’s a cute girl in her lap who just kissed her- albeit on the forehead- who also has a boyfriend. His brain must be in panic mode right about now.

Caleb very awkwardly shuffles into the room and sits down at the edge of the bed, leaving a visible amount of space between them.

“You look like you’re freaking out”, Beau states, pushing at Jester until she climbs off her lap, sitting in between them.

Caleb stares at the floor and pets Frumpkin. “ _Ja_ , well… this is very awkward.”

“It’s okay, Cay-leb”, Jester sing-songs. “Fjord knows about Beau and me.”

Beau almost immediately wants to do a face-palm. Not the smoothest way to break your polycule to your awkward and maybe a little bit stuck-up friend. Caleb instantly freezes up, his hand resting on the kitten in his arms who gives a meow of complaint.

“Technically it was Beau and me first, you know?”, Jester says very matter-of-fact. “Just, you know, having fun and stuff.” She leans closer to Caleb and stage-whispers: “Beau doesn’t really do the whole feelings thing.”

“We just fuck”, Beau says because really, there’s no beating around the bush here.

Caleb turns a vibrant shade of red and Jester looks almost offended. “Beau!”

“What? It’s true.”

“It sounds so rude though”, Jester says, pouting. “You’re also like my bestest friend, you know?”

Beauregard chuckles. “I don’t think Caleb’s worried about us being friends.”

“So, _äh…_ you are- how do you say it? Friends with benefits?”, Caleb asks quietly.

Jester nods very enthusiastically. “And then I had a crush on Fjord and Beau told me to just tell him and I did and now he’s my boyfriend.”

“But you are still...”

“With Beau? Oh, yeah.” Like that’s totally normal.

“And Fjord is... okay with that?”

“Yeah!” Jester grins like someone just told her she’s getting a real hamster unicorn for her birthday.

“It’s a poly thing”, Beau adds, trying to make the puzzle pieces click together a little more easily for Caleb. He just nods mutely.

There’s a moment of silence, which is astounding given the fact that Jester’s in the room, and finally Beau claps her hands together. “’Kay, now that we got that elephant out of the room, how about a movie to relax?”

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

Caleb comes back to the flatshare the next night. And the next. And the next. Beau remains true to her promise of letting him stay in her room for as long as he needs to.

“You know this can’t be a permanent solution, right?”, Fjord points out while he’s making dinner one night. Jester’s still out with Molly and Cali, and Caleb’s off at the library or something. Beau isn’t one to pry, she only knows that he’ll be back again tonight.

“Yeah, I know”, she says, seated on the kitchen counter and munching on a bag of crisps even though food is being prepared in front of her eyes. “We all know. Heck, even the cat knows.”

Frumpkin gives a pitiful _meow_ from his positiion circling around Fjords legs, where he’s apparently expecting food to drop down.

“Do you know if Caleb’s doing anything? Y’know, maybe figure out some alternative housing options that might be quieter and allow pets...”

“In Zadash, on a shoestring budget?”, Beau retorts. “Don’t make me laugh. He’s gonna go back to his dorm room and the cat’ll just have to stay here.”

“Guess I’ll have to stack up on allergy pills.”

“You said it wasn’t an issue!”

 

Of course in the excitement of getting a new, maybe possibly not-so-temporary pet, both Jester and Beau had completely forgotten about the fact that Fjord does in fact have a mild cat hair allergy. Lucky for them, he’d still had a package of non-drowsy allergy pills in his chest of drawers, which he’d immediately taken upon the first sneeze after entering the now infected flat.

It’s not exactly ideal and it’s become very clear that Frumpkin is not a happy indoor cat but made for wandering outside as well. Unfortunately they live on the third floor in a high-density residential area, so no chance to give the cat some outdoor space.

 

Which might be one of the reasons why Beau walks into Jester’s room one night to find her sitting cross-legged on her bed, staring intently at her laptop in front of her. She doesn’t even acknowledge Beau coming in, just picks up her phone to do something, maybe message someone, and then go back to her laptop.

Beau drops her training bag with an audible thud next to the desk. “What’cha doing?”

Jester hums but doesn’t really answer, which throws Beau even more.

“Should I… go?”, she asks. “It’s okay if you need privacy, I can-”

“No, it’s fine, it’s fine”, Jester suddenly says without looking up. “I’m just… I don’t know.”

It’s her distractedness that finally breaks Beau’s patience and she rounds the bed to flop down next to her friend and sneak a look at her laptop screen.

It takes her a few seconds to piece together the information presented in front of her to formulate another question: “Why are you looking at real estate?”

“For us”, Jester mutters, clicking at another advertisement.

“What do you mean us?”

“Us. The group. You, me, Fjord, Molly, Yasha, Caleb, Nott… all of us.”

This throws Beau for a moment. She doesn’t know where Jester got this idea, nothing like this has ever come up before except… Caleb’s staying with them now, and they’ve taken in a stray cat despite Fjord’s allergies and their flat definitely feels a little cramped with all seven of them around for Saturdays dinners at times.

“It doesn’t matter”, Jester adds hastily. “It’s not like we’ll be able to buy or even rent a house anyway. My mum’s not _that_ rich.”

“Yeah”, Beau agrees, getting up from the bed again to grab her water bottle from her bag. She tries not to think about how her parents would probably buy one of those houses that Jester’s looking at as a holiday home if Zadash were actually a desirable holiday destination. But she’s cut those ties, financially and all, she’s not going back to beg for money.

 

Jester sighs, her shoulders drooping, and she looks so small and sad that it shoots a pang of guilt through Beauregard. She sets down her water bottle on the floor next to the bed and slips behind Jester, wrapping her arms around her waist and putting her chin on her shoulder, breathing in the cinnamon and orange scent from Jester’s blue-dyed hair.

“It would be nice, I guess”, she carefully probes. “Probably very chaotic.”

“Yeah”, Jester says, a huffed laugh. “Absolutely.”

“Think we might need an adult.”

“To pay for the house?”

“I meant to take care of us, but yeah. That too.”

“Beau, we _are_ adults.”

“Are we?”, Beau replies, her voice more serious now. “We’re university students in our second semester, Jes. I only do my laundry when you remind me to. Fjord is the one person in this flat who’s learned how to cook properly. We’re barely functioning.”

Jester scrolls down the real estate website and clicks on another advertisement of what looks like an old farmhouse, half-timbered in red and white. _8 rooms_ , Beau reads in the details on the side. _3 bathrooms, 280 square meters_...

“Two thousand Platinum???”, she blurts out.

“I know”, Jester says. “We really do need an adult.”

Beau groans and buries her face in Jester’s neck.

“Do you seriously wanna do this, Jes?”, she asks when she doesn’t hear any reaction except a few soft taps on the keyboard. “We don’t have the money and we don’t have any connections… Fjord and I are surviving on scholarships! I have no idea what Molly does to afford all the bling he wears and Yasha, Nott and Caleb all scape by on part-time jobs.”

“I know, I know...” Jester lets out another sigh. “I think I just liked the idea and it would really help with… stuff.”

“Stuff like Caleb staying in my room?”

“Maybe. Also, you know, it would be fun.”

Beau grins to herself.

“Like a giant slumber party”, Jester adds. “Technically.”

“Technically”, Beau echoes.

“TECHNICALLY!”, Kiri screeches from her cage, making the two girls laugh.

After a few minutes of watching Jester open random ads and looking at pictures of properties for rent or sale, Beau speaks up again. “We would have to tell the rest of the group about our poly stuff.”

Jester simply shrugs.

“Everyone in the group is queer, I’m sure it’s gonna be fine.”

It sounds so easy to Jester and Beau is sure it would be. Molly certainly wouldn’t bat an eye and Nott would just scream about how she really doesn’t want to know about their sex life. Yasha however…

 

Yasha isn’t as easy to pinpoint. Maybe there would be some confusion about what polyamory means but then Yasha is friends with Molly, the queerest person they all know- and she went to that talk on relationship anarchy with the group.

Beau is more concerned about what Yasha would take away from such a revelation in regards to… this thing that is slowly developing between them. Because at this point it is a somewhat awkward and weird but definitely intentional _thing_. A dancing-around-the-point-thing, but a thing nonetheless. A thing that makes Beau feel and act all strange. Do things like _smile_ to herself and daydreaming. She’s been trying to clear her mind by taking up extra training with Dairon and even meditating, but to no avail. Yasha is always on her mind, even during exams or while making out with Jester.

Which brings her train of thought back to the original problem- Yasha and her hypothetical reaction to Beau’s relationship with Jester. Worst case scenario, Beau completely messes everything up and ends up with no-one at all. Ideal scenario, everyone agrees to get along, Beau ends up with two girlfriends and occasional threesomes. Although she’s not really sure about how she would feel sharing Yasha with Jester…

 

“What are you thinking about?”, Jester interrupts her thoughts, closing her laptop and sliding it further away so she can turn around and face Beau. “Are you worried someone’s gonna be weird about it? Maybe someone really cute and big and buff-” Her curious expression turns into a teasing grin.

Beau, to her own embarrassment, _blushes_. “Shut up.”

“I don’t think she will be”, Jester says, sliding one arm around Beauregard’s neck. “She’s… I...”

There’s a hesitation in her voice which tips Beau off. “What?”

Jester squirms in her hold, biting her lip.

“I can’t tell you”, she finally says. “But I know Yasha’s not- not new to unusual relationship forms.”

“Okay, that makes me even more worried”, Beau replies. “Did they have like harems or something in Xhorhas? Did she flee an arranged marriage?”

“What? Beau, that’s so racist!”

Jester pushes away from her, getting up from the bed even. Beauregard instantly feels the shame and regret wash over.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” She nervously scratches the back of her head, then drags her hand down her face. “I didn’t mean that, I don’t know...”

She watches as Jester wordlessly picks up her laptop, taking it over to her desk, shifting around a few things before eventually turning to face her again. If anything, she looks sad or even disappointed.

“You should _not_ say that to Yasha’s face”, she states. “Ever.”

“I wouldn’t. I- fuck- it just slipped out.”

“Do you really believe that though? That they have harems in Xhorhas, and arranged marriages?”

“No!”

“Good.”

Jester sits back down on the bed, across from her, looking at her as if she’s trying to determine how honest Beau is being right now.

“I mean, the possibility that someone gets into an arranged marriage in this part of the woods might be higher than in Xhorhas”, Beauregard adds nervously. “Who knows? I could’ve, you know… Ended up like that.”

This time it’s Jester’s turn to stare at her blankly. “What?”

“If I’d been… you know. The kid they wanted”, Beau mutters. “The son.”

“They would’ve told you who to marry?”

“Their only child? The heir to their family? Fuck yeah. I might’ve gotten like a selection handed to me but really isn’t that just the same?”

“Oh.”

“I mean, they were still… trying to set me up on dates with “eligible young bachelors” when I was living under their roof.”

“But they knew you where gay, didn’t they?”

“Hah, yeah! But that’s just a phase right?”, Beau retorts, sarcasm dripping from her words. “I just needed to find the _right one_.”

She scoffs and leans back on her hands. “Sorry, this was- we were talking about me being racist and I just ended up… Never mind.”

Jester just looks at her, her head slightly cocked, not saying anything. Silence falls between them, only disrupted by a resigned sigh from Beau. It makes her just a tic nervous when Jester is quiet. It either means that she is angry or scheming. But it doesn’t seem like either of those things now.

Finally, Jester scrambles over to her, takes her head in her hands and drops a kiss on her forehead.

“Don’t worry about Yasha, okay?”, she says. “You’ll figure that out when you get to it. Just be honest with her.”

Beau laughs and almost rolls her eyes at that. “Are you going all relationship-advice on me now, Miss I-have-a-boyfriend?”

“Communication is key!”, Jester croons. “And that’s Miss I’m-in-a-polycule to you.”

“Hah.”

“Don’t act like you’re not part of this too.”

“I’m not-”

“Because you’re just as important to me, Beau.”

Oh.

It’s not necessarily that Beauregard didn’t know, she just… never really thought of it that way. To her, it’s been Fjord and Jester first and Beau and Jester second, especially since her friends got together.

“I’m really glad you’re around”, Jester continues. “And you’re one of my best friends and I feel like it’s my duty to tell you what you told me months ago.”

“What?”

“You should tell Yasha.”

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

The bell to their flat rings and Beau groans, pausing Zelda and getting up to buzz in whoever‘s early for their Saturday night dinner upstairs. She doesn‘t even bother answering over the intercom, just presses the buzzer and opens the door, leaning halfway into the hallway. She hears the click of the building door and the shuffling of steps up the stairs, but can’t really determine from the footsteps who it is.

There’s a moment where a head of dark braids rounds the last bend of the stairway and Beau’s dumb heart skips a beat at the sight of Yasha, making her way up to their flat, eyes on the stairs, looking kind of pensive. But then she glances up and sees Beau and…

Beau is pretty sure she’s just imagining this and she’s found herself in a weird kind of dream, but Yasha _smiles_ at her.

“Hi.”

“Uhmmmmm...”

Yasha stops on the last step, still smiling softly, and they’re on eye-level, the perfect height really. Perfect height for kissing. But that would be weird, right? Just stepping up there and planting one on Yasha because she’s beautiful and wonderful and absolutely ripped and Beau’s got it _bad_ for this girl?

“Am I the first one here?”, Yasha interrupts her thought spiral.

“Uh, yeah.” Beau almost stumbles over her own feet, trying to casually lean into the doorway. “Fjord and Jester are actually still out getting last-minute stuff for dinner, so… Just you and me.”

“Okay, cool.”

Yasha slips off her backpack and starts unlacing her boots that she still wears even though it’s slowly turning to summer and it’s probably way too hot for those. Beau can’t help but stare as her dark grey tank top rides up as she bends over, exposing some very white skin. Gods, she should really push Jester on that trip-to-the-hot-springs idea.

“So… can I come in?”

Yasha looks up at her and Beau, realising she’s been caught staring, fumbles again.

“Yeah, sure.” She pushes herself off the door-frame and quickly walks off into the living room, trying to hide her blush, picking up her half-empty can of soda and downing it before plopping back down on the sofa.

 

She can hear Yasha’s footsteps following her but she just stares at the screen, not sure how to proceed. A bag gets dropped on the floor and a moment later the sofa dips down next to her.

“What are you- what is this game?”

“It’s Zelda”, Beau says, regaining her composure and picking the controller back up to continue the game. “It’s ahhh… an adventure game.”

Yasha hums next to her, leaning back and kicking her feet up on the coffee table. She watches for a while as Beau continues to play Zelda, running around in a fantasy world, occasionally collecting things or overcoming obstacles or talking to NPCs.

“So that’s Zelda?”, she asks eventually. “The person in the green clothes?”

“No, that’s Link”, Beau replies, absent-mindedly, half of her brain focused on the game. Zelda is way hotter.”

“So where is Zelda?”

“Off in her castle, being a princess I guess.”

“I don’t… understand this game.”

Beau pauses the game to look at Yasha. She seems about as confused as any normal person would be when they discover that the main character of “The Legend of Zelda” isn’t actually Zelda but some stupid punk called Link.

“You wanna play something else?”, she suggests. “I can put on Mario Kart.”

“Uhm, okay...”

It takes Beau a moment to save her game, switch to Mario Kart and connect a second controller for Yasha, but she finally sits back down on the couch, cross-legged. She hands Yasha the second controller and then turns her attention back to the TV screen.

They’ve played Mario Kart a few times, it’s an easy choice and they often play it after dinner. Unsurprisingly, Nott is currently leading with the high score, closely followed by Beau and Mollymauk. They have all decided, based on the scores, that they should never let Fjord or Jester drive an actual car. Yasha, who’s never played Mario Kart before meeting them, has gotten surprisingly good at it, for some reason she’d immediately figured out the perfect match of player figure and vehicle and is slowly but surely making up her way behind Molly and Beau on the score table.

“Oh, there’s not-Zelda”, Yasha says, more to herself but Beau still hears it and chuckles. Yasha’s probably never realised that Link’s actually in this game as well. She’s had a soft spot for Toad from day one, which is adorable.

“Ready?”, Beau asks when she’s done picking her character and bike combination.

Yasha hums, still scrolling through the glider selection before choosing one that looks like a flower.

In the beginning, Beau would usually pick the easier tracks when playing with Yasha since she hadn’t played the game as much, but now she leaves the choice of track completely to her. Knowing Yasha, her choice with the Flower Cup is almost predictable but Beau can’t help the smile at that.

 

Playing Mario Kart with Yasha, Beau almost forgets they’re actually racing each other. Yasha is not competitive, more of a fair player, still getting the hang of laying traps and never directly targeting Beau. She usually trails behind Beau a bit, but she’s not in the back any more like she used to. Sometimes a kart on its way to overtake Beau gets hit by a red or green shell, blasting it off the tracks, and there’s a soft chuckle next to her that elicits a weird bubbly feeling in Beau’s stomach.

She almost doesn’t realise what’s happened until they’re racing down the tracks of the Twisted Mansion and suddenly something zips past her kart on the screen and she realises that Yasha has overtaken her. Not only that- in a moment of total confusion on Beau’s side, her screen flashes and she gets hit by lightning, dropping her precious golden mushroom she’s been holding onto to use on a somewhat straight part of the track.

“What the fuck?”, she blurts out and Yasha lets out a sound that could be categorised as a giggle, as her screen flashes ‘1st place’.

“I won”, she states the obvious and Beau is too distracted by this fact to care that she only comes in 5th place. Yasha drops her controller into her lap and does a little satisfied wiggle, apparently a victory dance of some kind. It’s cute. It also shifts her a little closer to Beau on the sofa, but she either doesn’t seem to notice or to care.

Beau of course, can’t do anything _but_ notice. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to the swooping feeling in her stomach, the mixture of excitement and nervousness that spreads whenever she looks at Yasha or sits next to her.

She’s so fucking gone.

“Next track?”, Yasha asks, picking up her controller again.

She looks over at Beau, brushing a few braids out of her face, the metal jewellery adorning them clinking together. Her eyes, different hues of blue, reflect the moving images from the TV screen and Beau can’t remember when or how they moved so close to each other. They’re side by side on the sofa, almost touching, but not quite, and Beauregard is _definitely_ staring at this point.

But it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter because at this very moment, Beau’s brain decides to freeze and let her instincts take over, which are to lean in and kiss Yasha.

 

Her eyes slide shut just before her lips meet slightly chapped ones, unmoving at first except for a small, surprised gasp that lets Beau slide their lips together more assuredly. It’s a sweet kiss, something Beau isn’t really used to but given the fact that this is probably Yasha’s first kiss, it only makes sense. It feels good, right in a way that simply kissing hasn’t felt in a long time. Her hands blindly fumble with nervousness, reaching for Yasha, her arms, her shoulders, her cheeks, thumbs brushing over cheekbones and Yasha’s face is _so soft_ , she wants to kiss it everywhere.

Beau gives Yasha’s lower lip another soft tug and eventually pulls away, her eyes opening again reluctantly just to be faced with a pair of mismatched eyes staring back at her. She blinks again. The eyes still stare at her.

She’s not sure what she expected, except now her heart is racing at the same speed as her brain and fuck, she’s nervous about this, about Yasha, about her reaction.

“Wanna try that again?”, she blurts out and immediately wants to hit her head against a wall for being so _stupid_ , but Yasha is just as quick to react.

“Yes.”

“Yeah?”

Beau looks at her, surprised. This is good, this is… Kissing. Beau can do that. Relief floods her almost immediately and a grin spreads on her face, a real actual grin that doesn’t feel fake for once. Yasha mirrors her with a smile and for a few seconds, they just sit there, one of Beau’s hands still on Yasha’s cheek, her thumb brushing over the soft skin there before she leans in again.

Yasha doesn’t seem to be quite sure what to do with her lips yet, but Beau is more than happy to help her along, kissing her softly, following the movement of her lips. Yasha tastes like tea, something herbal and lemony, and Beau chases that taste, their noses bumping together a little awkwardly.

She’s about to reach for Yasha, draw her in, run her hands through her hair that she knows is oh-so-soft. But Yasha pulls back, blinking, far enough away that Beau’s hand drops from her cheek. They only sound between them is their breath, coming shaky and agitated.

“I...”

Yasha’s face doesn’t mirror hers any more, her smile has vanished. She looks anxious, something Beau knows too well from spending time with Jester. But with Yasha, she doesn’t know how to react.

“I need to go”, Yasha says, very abrupt, and before Beau can comprehend what this means, she’s gotten up, her controller dropped to the sofa.

 

It’s like Beau’s frozen in place as she watches Yasha practically dart out of the living room. There’s some shuffling in the hallway and then the front door falls shut. It all happens so quickly that Beau barely has time to react. She still sits there, the Mario Kart soundtrack playing in the background, staring at the door as if waiting for Yasha to come back.

“What the fuck?”, she finally mutters, grabbing the remote to turn off the TV because she really can’t handle the cheerful music right now. She leans back, just staring at the dark screen, trying to sort through her thoughts.

Something, somewhere went wrong. Maybe she’s been reading the signs all wrong. She must have, for sure. Maybe Yasha had changed her mind. Maybe she doesn’t like her like that. Maybe she’s realised that Beau really just is a stupid, dumbass lesbian and absolutely not girlfriend material. Beau’s mind very helpfully provides a list of all her characteristics that make her absolutely definitely undesirable. It confuses her even more, because she _knows_ she’s an asshole. She’s just never had a girl bolt from the room like that before.

_She’s never had a girl she liked this much._

“Fuck.”

Beau drags her hands over her face and they come away wet. She didn’t even realise she’d been crying.

“Fuck!”, she curses again, louder. She can’t sit still any more so she gets up, paces the length of the living room a few times, then storms into the kitchen, catching herself with the hand on the cupboard door that houses their alcohol stash.

No. _No._ She will not end up like her father, loud and aggressive whenever something doesn’t go her way. She knows better than this. She’s _learned_.

Deep breath in. Shaky breath out. And another. And another. She leans her forehead against the cupboard door, shaking, heaving breaths.

_Panic attack_ , her brain helpfully supplies. _You’re having a panic attack._

There’s the sound of keys and the front door opens. Beau quickly wipes her eyes again, turning to the sink to run her hands under cold water.

“We’re home!”, comes Jester’s cheerful voice. “And we brought a Molly with us!”

Beau doesn’t answer, silently turns off the tap and shakes the water off her hands before wiping them over her eyes again. Deep breath. _Compose yourself._

There’s shuffling behind her in the doorway. “Hey, there you are. Whose bag is this?”

“Uhm, what?”, Beau asks not daring to turn around. “What bag?”

“Oh that’s Yasha’s”, Molly’s voice comes from the living room. “Is she here already?”

Beau bites her lip, gripping the sink until her knuckles turn white. She can’t… she can’t deal with this right now. She wishes she could just vanish on the spot, sink into the ground. Instead she does her best to mentally build up the invisible walls around herself again.

“Beau?”, Jester asks, concern showing in her voice. “What’s going on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was a very long and unplanned hiatus. Sorry about that. I've been struggling with a bit of a depressive phase and just trying to survive a few stressful months at work due to big things (conferences on climate action) that were happening and are now thankfully over. I haven't even had the mindset to stay caught up with the show lately so I'm still behind a few episodes. Luckily for me and this fic, I got a pretty severe cold last week that knocked me out a few days. The doctor told me to stay home for the rest of the week and I actually for once got some rest that I desperately needed. I'm still coughing a lot now but a little more rested and back in the saddle than before. Hopefully enough to not keep you waiting too long for the chapter. Because obviously this is just where it gets interesting, isn't it?
> 
> Special thanks to my beta Ray (The Scarecrowlower) who's stuck with me through this hiatus with encouragement and support. They're the best.


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